SLASHER MONTH: The Halfway House (2004)

Look, you can talk all you want about your new movies that everyone on Film Twitter is gushing about and I’ll just hide in my little corner of the web and discuss really aberrant dumb things like 2004’s The Halfway House, a movie so dumb that it couldn’t spell Mary Magdalene correctly and smart enough to place Mary Woronov in the central role of a nun who has turned away from God because she discovered the Elder Gods who lie waiting beyond the veil of time. Also: tentacle attacks.

Young girls are disappearing in and around the Mary Magdalen — yeah, that’s how they did it — Halfway House for Troubled Girls. Larissa Morgan goes undercover to infiltrate the Catholic-run institution and find her sister, but what she discovered is Woronov’s Sister Cecelia presiding over a world of debauchery, like a quasi-women in prison movie mixed up with Lovecraft.

Kenneth J. Hall has made creatures that’ve upset people for years, like the CrittersGhoulies, the Bio-Monster in BiohazardCarnosaur, the creatures in Willy’s Wonderland and more. He also wrote Dr. AlienEvil Spawn, Nightmare Sisters and directed Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout. So there you go — he has the sensibilities you’re looking for when you want your mind and eyes tickled.

Thirtysomething teenagers, sex scenes that border on the hard end of softcore, chainsaw mutilation, a priest that smacks offered behinds while yelling “The power of Christ compels you!” and so much nudity that the term gratuitous becomes challenged.

If church was this much fun, more people would go.

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