April 18: Heavy Metal Movies: Pick a movie from Mike McPadden’s great book. RIP. List here.

Jason Jones (Robin Askwith from the Confessions Of… movies) is a burned-out would-be rock star on his way to Brittlehurst Manor, a health escape that has also drawn in Judy Peters (Vanessa Shaw), who is looking for her aunt.

It’s no surprise or spoiler that this is really a…Horror Hospital!

Yes, Dr. Christian Storm (Michael Gough), Judy’s aunt (Ellen Pollock) and evil dwarf Frederick (Skip Martin) have been drawing hippies her and either turning them into brainwashed, motorcycle-helmet wearing zombies or outright killing them.

There’s even a band, Mystic, who play the movie’s theme “Mark of Death!” Their members are James IV Boris, Alan “The River” Hudson and Simon Lust. Those are some great stage names! The cross-dresser who is singing for them is co-writer Alan Watson. And Mystic is really the psychedelic group Tangerine Peel, who at one point had songwriter/producer Mike Chapman, who promised Blondie that he would make Parallel Lines into their biggest album. It includes “Heart of Glass” and he said of the album to Rolling Stone, “There’s loads of hits, it’s a great album, but who gives a fuck. It’s easy, you see. When we go into the studio, we go in and make hit records, and it just happens. We don’t think about it. If you’re going to be in the music business, you gotta make hit records. If you can’t make hit records, you should fuck off and go chop meat somewhere.” He also produced albums for The Knack, Suzi Quatro, Toni Basil, Pat Benatar, and more.

Vanessa Shaw is really Phoebe Shaw, who was mainly in commercials and dated Askwith after this. She also dosed the entire cast and crew at the wrap party with the cake she made. Ah, 1973!

This was directed and written by Antony Balch, who in addition to bringing all sorts of incredible movies to England — Don’t Deliver Us from Evil, Supervixens, Truck Stop Women — also directed one of my favorite movies ever, the mummy starring Secrets of Sex AKA Bizarre.

This movie is a total mess. Who cares? I loved it.

In Italy, this was known as Diario proibito di un collegio femminile, which means Forbidden Diary of a Girls’ Boarding School. That’s the type of title that gets you into the theater.

You can watch this on Tubi.

April 17: Bat Appreciation Day –Watch a movie with a fake bat in it.

The work of Dr. Paul Carruthers (Bela Lugosi) has earned his company millions and all they give him is $5,000. But didn’t he take a buyout early instead of being a partner? Isn’t that the way corporations work?

So why wouldn’t he grow giant bats and have them kill anyone who wears a new aftershave he’s created? He’s destroying the CEO class, the elite, well, really everyone. He’s got Devil Bats — big, bad rubber bats that scream right at the camera — he leads the first horror film from the poverty row Producers Releasing Corporation studio, a movie that played along with Man Made Monster.

Carrruthers destroys everyone that owned the company other than Mary Heath (Suzanne Kaaren), the daughter, who is saved by Chicago Register reporter Johnny Layton (Dave O’Brien) and the aftershave lotion gets dumped all over Carruthers, his bats attacking their master, following the way that he killed those who held him in chains.

Or maybe not, as he speaks from the shadows in the non-horror sequel, Devil Bat’s Daughter. There was also a 2015 movie, Revenge of the Devil Bat, with Lynn Lowrey in the cast. Another PRC movie, The Flying Serpent, is almost the same movie.

Director Jean Yarbrough’s career went all the way into the days of television. He also directed one of my favorite movies, Hillbillys In a Haunted House, as well as Footsteps In the Night, She-Wolf of London and The Creeper. Based on a story by John T. Neville, the script came from George Bricker, who also wrote an early wrestling movie, Bodyhold.

More movies should have fake bats in them. I recommend A Lizard In a Woman’s Skin, as man, that bat attack was so good it ended up on the U.S. poster.

You can watch this on Tubi.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

This is the last Filmirage movie on my list. Now, I’ve seen all of them and part of me is sad yet part of me feels good that I did it.

What if Filmirage made Henry & June? THEY DID. Well, a rip-off, at least.

I love that this was their chance to do a high-end period picture! Black Emanuelle — Laura Gemser — made the costumes! Peter from Stage Fright is Henry Miller! Martine Brochard from Eyeball is Anais! Her husband Franco Molé (who was in Notturno con grida) directed it! A Gabrielle Tinti cameo! Shot by Giancarlo Ferrando who did Troll 2, Devil Fish and Torso!

Slow down, Sam.

Anais Nin (Martine Brochard, whose career is in non-classy movies made for me like The Nun and the Devil, Murder Obsession and Savage Three) comes into the lives of Henry Miller (David Brandon, Caligula… The Untold Story, Eleven Days, Eleven Nights and many more Joe D’Amato films) and his wife June (Linda Carol, Reform School Girls) and no one will be the same.

This is the only movie that Gianni Silano ever scored and wow, it sounds like the old organ store at the mall. Maybe that makes you remember the past, but it sure is weird music for what is supposed to be a sophisticated sex movie.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

Also known as Instinct, this has a box that promises an erotic thriller.

Seeing as how it starts with a naked woman being killed by a radio in the bathtub, I can see why.

In 1994, Joe D’Amato would direct the Rocco Siffredi-starring adult Marco Polo, China and Sex as Robert Yip, The House of Pleasure, Chinese Kamasutra as Chang Lee Sun, Il labirinto dei sensi, Marquis de Sade (yes, Rocco), Fantasmi al castello and Sexy caccia al tesoro and Ladri gentiluomini – Donne, gioielli… e culi belli with The Return of the Exorcist director Luca Damiano. He also shot several of those as Fred Slonisko, as well as the adult Erotic Dream of Aladdin X and producing the Siffredi-directed Panna montata.

Joe D’Amato was a busy guy.

He also made this movie that year, working with Claudio Bernabei and Daniele Stroppa. Well, James Burke was the name he used, but we all know how much he loved his many names.

One of the last Filmirage movies, this is about Frances (Gala Orlova, Legittima Vendetta), a woman seeking her lost sister who is, you knew it, the naked girl killed in the bathtub. She gets mixed up with the same guy her sister was involved with, the gigolo Sonny Everett (Theo Losito), after she buys the same house her sister lived in by real estate agent Maurice Poli, who was also in Frankenstein 2000 and Black Cobra.

The cast also includes Walter Toschi (the pilot from Concorde Affaire ’79) as a cop named Perkins, Susanna Bugatti (P.O. Box Tinto Brass), Maurizio Panici (Dark Bar), Elisabeth Rossler, Emy Valentino, Jean Hebert, Vira Silenti and Marlene Weber.

Shot in Austria, this had Joe’s son Daniele Massaccesi behind the camera. It looks nice, probably better than it deserves, and the soundtrack is actually pretty good. It also has stunts by Ottaviano Dell’Acqua!

After this, Joe wouldn’t really look back, making lots of porn. A lot of people complain online — of the 2-3 people who have reviewed this — that this movie is all sex. What did you expect? You do know the assignment Joe had, right? What movies are you people watching to be shocked by that?

Also: I love Joe so much that I spent $12 to get this and do not feel bad at all. I have skipped meals to save money and gone thirsty so I didn’t spend too much on drinks when I was out of the house, knowing I had refreshments at home. Yet, here I am, just plopping down money to get a movie that I know won’t be great, but I need to watch every Filmirage movie, no matter the quality. My life is a success.

 April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

We as film nerds often get very high and mighty when it comes to our favorites.

Then again, as we all know, Joe D’Amato was making movies to make money.

Of course he made a breakdancing film.

His came six years after Breakin’, however.

Directed by Gerry Lively (the cinematographer of Friday, Angel 3, Children of the Corn 3, Hellraiser: Bloodline, Return of the Living Dead 3, Necronomicon, Motorhead’s video for “Hellraiser,” Hellraiser III, Waxwork and the director of two direct-to-video Dungeons and Dragons movies) and written by the always working 90s Italian screenwriter Daniele Stroppa — and produced by Joe D’Amato with costumes by Laura Gemser — Hot steps – passi caldi has two dancing squads squaring off in the Hot Steps contest at the Neptune disco.

Set in Florida but shot in New Orleans, this movie asks you to “Feel the Heat!” Rico (Kirk Rivera, also in Salsa and Cop Rock) leads one crew while Kevin (also in Salsa, as well as a movie called Sketch Artist II: Hands That See) is in charge of the other. There’s also Nancy (Lindsley Allen, a Goddess dancer in Showgirls, as well as someone in The Time’s “Jerk Out” video), Kevin’s little sister who nearly died and has come back to dance, baby.

Kevin coaches his team by saying things like “We have to be awesome if we want to win!” and he’s rich and we can assume his co-opting culture. He better watch his sister, because if she and Rico are making moves like that on the dance floor, you can only imagine what they’re doing when they get behind closed doors. Cha-cha-cha…

How does Kevin get back at his enemy? By sleeping with one of his dance team, Mayra (Dianne Granger).

Will true love win? Will Nancy’s legs stop working again? Is that Terri from Boardinghouse, Elizabeth Hall? Did they decide to have composer Tiromancino write more than two songs? Yes, no, yes and it sure doesn’t seem that way.

You can watch this on YouTube.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

Directed and written by Mino Guerrini (The Third Eye), this is the story of Stefano (Alessandro Freyberger, The Wild Beasts), a mechanic who dreams of being a boxer. It’s also a love story, as he falls for Giulia (Claudia Vegliante).

This is totally Lemon Popsicle in Italy and I love it, because it’s filmed by Aristide Massaccesi and has Michele Soavi as an assistant director. As if that’s not enough, Bob — Giovanni Frezza  — is in the cast.

I have no idea of anyone other than me that would care even the least bit about this movie, but such is my love for Filmirage. This obviously never came to America, where its translated title may have been When the Sun Shines…Let’s Go to the Beach but probably would have been given an insane name like Beyond the Sun or The Punch of Love.

You can watch this on YouTube.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

Panasonic (Kiro Wehara, Thong from The Blade Master) has been sent by his master, General Electric, on a mission to protect the last place left on Earth that can create life, the Interzone. He soon meets Swan (Bruce Abbott, Re-Animator), the Max Rockatansky of this rip-off, and a slave girl named Tera (Beatrice Ring, Zombi 3). But this wouldn’t be an end of the world pastarmageddon movie without bad guys, who are led by Mantis (Teagan Clive, another obsession of mine, the bodybuilding blonde star who was also in Vice Academy Part 2, Alienator, Sinbad, Mob Boss, Obsession: A Taste for Fear, Jumpin’ Jack Flash and Armed and Dangerous. She also wrote the “Power Café” articles in Iron Man magazine, as well as episodes of Acapulco H.E.A.T. and Conan the Adventurer, plus she’s in the video for “California Girls” by David Lee Roth) and Balzaka (John Armstead, Error Fatale).

Is there a treasure to be found? Will it explain to Panasonic the truth of his name? You know it.

This was directed by Deran Sarafian, who also made The Falling, To Die For, Death Warrant, Gunmen and Terminal Velocity. A year after this, he’d be in Zombi 3. It was written by James L. Anderson and Clyde Anderson, so you may think this is an American movie. But then, there it was, produced by David Hills, who is Joe D’Amato, who is Aristide Massaccesi. And who is Clyde Anderson? Claudio Fragasso and Rossella Drudi. And is that Laura Gemser as Panasonic’s sister-in-law?

Shot outside of Rome, I learned from Matty at The Shlock Pit that Sarafian and Ring were engaged, which explains them being in Zombi 3.

This is not the best Road Warrior movie you’ll see, but you know, Teagen Clive’s interpretative dancing is all I need. I’m so easy.

April 15: TV to Movies — Let’s decry the lack of originality in Hollywood. But first, let’s write about a movie that started as a TV show.

It’s hard to explain to people today how big a show The Fall Guy was. Everyone had that Heather Thomas poster up in their house; my grandfather had one way into the 1990s. This movie doesn’t require you to know anything about the show.

Directed by David Leitch (John Wick) and written by Drew Pearce (Hotel Artemis), this starts with stuntman Colt Seavers (Ryan Gosling) breaking his back on a stunt as he doubles for Tom Ryder (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). More than the pain, the idea that he isn’t indestructible ruins his ego and he ghosts on life, leaving behind his girlfriend Jody Moreno (Emily Blunt).

18 months later, Colt is called to the set of Metalstorm, Jody’s first movie, which is really her working out her feelings about him. He’s been hired by producer Gail Meyer (Hannah Waddingham), but he thinks Jody wants him back. In no way is that true. Yet there’s a more significant problem: Tom Ryder is gone and without him, there’s no movie. Colt doubles for him while trying to find the missing actor, who shows up dead in a bathtub, yet his body disappears before the police get there.

Working with personal assistant Alma Milan (Stephanie Hsu) and stunt coordinator Dan Tucker (Winston Duke), he learns that Tom has killed his stunt double in a brawl gone wrong. Before he can show the police the evidence, the phone is destroyed and Colt is taken by henchmen. Soon, it’s revealed — man, spoilers, right? — that Tom also broke Colt’s back, upset that he felt that his double was stealing the spotlight. He plans on setting Colt up for murdering his double, but of course, everything works out, love wins out and Metalstorm gets made with Jason Momoa.

And hey — there’s Lee Majors and Heather Thomas at the end.

This movie is a love letter to stunts—there’s a world record car roll in it—and action movies. Yep, Metalstorm comes from Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn and its tagline, “It’s High Noon at the End of the Universe,” is from Oblivion 2. I also love that the hero in that movie is named Space Cowboy, which is very George Peppard from Battle Beyond the Stars.

Plus, it has Endeavor 42, the actual boat from Miami Vice, exclamation-pointed with the show’s theme song, Seavers wearing a crew jacket, and sound effects from  The Six Million Dollar Man.

I loved this. It’s a big dumb action movie, complete with Hal Needham credits at the end!