Luden Sandelton (Bruce Davison) makes soap for a living as the CEO of Dermasmooth. When the new campaign — created by his wife Willa (Cristi Conaway), who has also been cheating on him — fails, he has to fire her. That doesn’t go over well. Yet even after he’s killed, Luden has a way of coming back up the drain, so to speak.

“Greetings hack and field fans! I hope you’re in the mood for a little fiendly competition. It’s that time of fear again. The annual All Crypt Die Cathalon! I’ve been working out like crazy to get ready. This year I’m really going for the cold. Kind of like the woman in tonight’s tale. It’s a putrid portrait of an up-and-coming young artist that’s sure to leave a nasty taste on your palette. I call it “99 & 44/100% Pure Horror.””

The title for this one comes from the old Ivory Soap advertising slogan that their soap is 99 and 44/100 percent pure. In the 70s, Marilyn Chambers — before acting in Beyond the Green Door — was a model on a box of this soap, which was quite ironic once she became famous.

This was directed and written by Rodman Flenderm, who also made The Unborn, Leprechaun 2 and Idle Hands. He also directed “Food for Thought” in season 5.

This episode is based on “99 44/100% Pure Horror!” from Vault of Horror #23. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis. In that story, a man kills his boss and takes over his job. He hides the body in the soap itself, which ends up causing his demise.

Two Soviet ballet dancers on tour in the States are wanted following the murder of a man backstage during their debut performance. Was Jessica in the audience? Oh, you know she was.

Season 1, Episode 8: Death Takes a Curtain Call (December 16, 1984)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Leo Peterson invites Jessica to Boston to see a Russian ballet. What they don’t know is that Natalia and Alexander, two of the dancers, are planning to defect. Then, there is death.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Vicki Kriegler is Natalia. She was also in the TV movie Deadly Lessons.

Alexander is played by George De La Pena, once a soloist with the American Ballet Company.

Irina Katsa, another of the ballerinas, is Kerry Armstrong.

Claude Atkins and Tom Bosley are in this as Jessica’s local love interests, Captain Ethan Cragg and Sheriff Amos Tupper. Ethan is upset that Jessica is going to the big city and not serving him pie; I think we all know what he means. I don’t want to be crass and say these dudes wanted to make the author of The Umbrella Murders and The Stain on the Stairs airtight, but I guess I just did.

Dane Clark is FBI agent O’Farrell. He played the sheriff in Blood Song and has appeared in many TV shows.

Besides being in Bill Van Ryn’s dreams, William Conrad is best known for playing Cannon and Nero Wolfe. He’s Major Anatole Karzof. Conrad also narrated plenty of movies and TV series, including Chamber of Horrors, Zero Hour!, Hudson Hawk, Manimal, the Buck Rodgers TV series, Tales of the Unexpected, The Force of Evil, the famous “Crying Indian” TV commercial, The Fugitive TV series, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Also, he directed Two On a Guillotine, Side Show and several TV shows.

Hurd Hatfield is Leo. He was the lead in the 1945 film The Portrait of Dorian Gray, which also starred Angela Lansberry.

James Carroll Jordan, who is Skip Fleming, would be in three more episodes of the show.

In small roles, Palmer Eddington was Paul Rudd (no, not that one), a protestor named Velma was Jessica Nelson, Dewey was Patrick Thomas, Russian heavy Serge was Anthony De Longis (Blade from Masters of the Universe!), Nagy was played by Adam Gregor, Steve Arvin was a reporter, Read Morgan was a cop and Gary Bohn, Robert Cole, Camille Hagen, Paul LeClair, Farrell Mayer, Henry Noguch and Jeff Viola all had extra roles.

What happens?

Jess soon snoops and finds that Leo has a secret message in his program, and before you can “Jessica is sure around a lot of killing,” a KGB man is dead, and William Conrad is on the hunt for the murderer. When he finally meets Jessica, the Cold War heats up because he’s never met a detective woman like her in Russia. He’s also a big fan of her books and asks if she’ll help investigate who killed Berensky.

The Russian follows Mrs. Fletcher back to Cabot Cove, driving Ethan crazy and continuing to flirt with JB. At the same time, the defecting dancers- yes, that’s what Leo’s message was about- are also in town, so there are many sitcom moments. And breakfast between Jessica and Anatole.

Who did it?

Irina Katsa, the other Russian dancer, is upset that Alexander and Natalia are in love and hopes to force them to return to Russia.

Who made it?

Another episode was directed by TV vet Allen Reisner. It was written by Paul W. Cooper.

Some facts…

This is Ethan’s last appearance.

Does Jessica get some?

You tell me.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No.

Was it any good?

It’s fine. The show is still finding its way here. There would be another defection in season 3.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Major Anatole Karzof: So, farewell, my dear Jessica. I look forward to your next novel.

Jessica Fletcher: I’d like to send you a signed copy if it won’t compromise you in the Kremlin.

Major Anatole Karzof: Sometimes, a man likes to be compromised, eh?

Yeah, he got his belly on her.

What’s next?

A hypnotist is killed. Robert Loggia is in it!

Colonel Parker (Michael Ironside) and Sergeant Burrows (Bruce Payne) are two veterans who have come to the Alaskan wilderness to hunt, guided by Jeri Drumbeater (Vivian Wu). But these two have a dark past and some evil reasons for being on the hunt.

“Ah. Oh, hello, creeps! It’s your old pal, the big scare-huna, enjoying a little surf and sand. Hey, babe, want me to rub a little sun tan lotion on you? Mm. Boy, do I love the beach. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, you, watch it! Boy, I hate getting sand kicked in my face. I’m not your average 98-pound weakling, you know. For one thing, I don’t weigh that much. I tell you kiddies, I’m going to get that guy! Which brings to mind the two men in tonight’s terror tale. They’re on a little shriek and destroy mission of their own, in a nasty undertaking I call “Comes the Dawn.””

What Jeri doesn’t know is that they’ve already killed her ex-girlfriend, Mona (Susan Tyrrell), who tried to turn them in to the police for being poachers. But what they don’t know is that Jeri is a zombie, killed in Desert Storm by an artillery strike called in by Parker. She’s been waiting for him for years, living among the vampires that make Alaska their home.

This episode was directed by John Herzfeld, who directed and wrote 2 Days In the Valley. It was written by Scott Nimerfro, who also wrote ten other episodes.

It’s based on “Comes the Dawn!” from Haunt of Fear #26, which Otto Binder wrote and Jack Davis drew. The synopsis is close: “A man barricades himself in an Arctic cabin to hide from the vampire outside…but there’s no daylight.”

Jessica goes to visit relatives and ends up mixed up with a nasty scheme involving a theme park creator.

Season 1, Episode 7: We’re Off to Kill the Wizard (December 9, 1984)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Horatio Baldwin, the inventor of a theme park, invites Jessica, her niece and her nicce’s children to see his latest rides. He wants to make an entire park of Jessica’s books, but then gets murdered.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Horatio Baldwin is played by James Coco, whose acting career had led to an Emmy Award, a Drama Desk Award, a Cable ACE Award and three Obie Awards, as well as nominations for a Tony Award, an Academy Award and two Golden Globe Awards.

His wife Erica is played by Christine Belford, who was also in Christine, tons of TV and three other episodes of this show.

Laurie Bascomb was played by Kim Darby, who you should have seen in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark and gotten killed by The Shape in Halloween VI. She also says a line in Better Off Dead that I repeat all the time: “French fries, French dressing, French bread and to drink — ta-da! — Peru!”

Michael Gardner is George DiCenzo, who was the voice of Hordak and Captain Lou Albano in cartoons.

Nils Highlander is Gene Evans, Papa Doc from Devil Times Five.

Arnold Megrin is Richard Sanders, better known as Less Nessman from WKRP In Cincinati.

The cops, Captain Davis and Detective Donovan, are played by John Schuck from McMilan and Wife and James Stephens, who was Father Philip Prestwick on Father Dowling Mysteries. 

Kristoffer Tabori, who played Phillip Tabori, is the son of Viveca Lindfors and director Don Siegel. He’s also directed a series of movies called Murder, She Baked.

Smaller parts include Carol Donovan as Anne Kerry Ford, Eric Server as Ned O’Brien, two of the Phoenix siblings — Joaquin and Summer — show up, Harry G. Sanders from Killer of Sheep and Child’s Play 3 is a skycap, Vince Howard is in the first of five extra roles on the show, Laura Leyva is a clerk and Ivan Saric, Jack Molina from The Howling, is in the cast.

What happens?

Jess is in Chicago, visiting her niece, when Horrible Horatio shows up. He owns several theme parks and he wants her to design a haunted house and then to make an entire park around her books. She turns him down and he treats his employees badly, ending when he locks himself in his office and is soon killed.

In normal Murder, She Wrote murder fashion, a gun goes off, someone hears it and shows up to discover what looks like a suicide.

As you can already figure out, everyone wanted Horatio dead. Michael Gardner, an assistant, and his wife Erica, were having an affair. He was horrible to Laurie the secretary, who at least has Jessica as an alibi, but he was also blackmailing Laurie, so the police have a motive.

Who did it?

Philip Carlson, who had an argument and accidentally killed his boss. That said, he killed a bunch of other people to cover it up.

Who made it?

Walter Grauman directed tons of TV, including The Old Man Who Cried Wolf, V and 50+ episodes of this show.

Series creator Peter S. Fischer and Gerald K. Siegel wrote the story and Fischer wrote the screenplay.

Some facts…

James Coco and Angela Lansbury made their respective Broadway debuts in playwright George Feydeau’s Hotel Paradiso.

Yes, that is future star Jocquin Phoenix along with his sister.

Does Jessica get some?

No.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No.

Was it any good?

This establishes something that we will know by the of this series: Jessica has relative everywhere and when she shows up, someone dies.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Horatio Baldwin: My dear Mrs. Fletcher, how good of you to come.

Jessica Fletcher: How could I refuse? I had two loaded children pointed at my head.

What’s next?

Jessica goes to the ballet and someone dies.

Directed and written by Larry Wilson (Beetlejuice, The Little Vampire), this episode has Charlie (Travis Tritt) and Richard (Hank Azaria) working the night shift as security guards who get mixed up with the body stealing Dr. Orloff (Austin Pendleton). The lesson in this episode is to never murder a friend for a mad scientist.

“Yeah, kids these days with their long hair. You can’t even tell the boils from the ghouls. And when they do want a cut, they go to one of those fancy salons like Jose Slay-ber or Videad Sassoon. It’s enough to make you terror your hair out. Hmm. I guess that towel was a little too hot. Still, I think it’s a good look for you. Once it’s groan out, I’m sure you’ll love it. Which brings to mind the young men in tonight’s terror tale. They’re about to try a new scare style as well, in a delightful little die-job I call “Doctor of Horror.””

Ben Stein shows up as the bad boss and while this doesn’t have much of a story, it does have some gore. Sometimes, that’s enough.

This was based on “Doctor of Horror” from Vault of Horror #13. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Engels. It’s a different story, as Professor LeMonet digging up corpses to get more students into his class. By the end, though, he’s gotten greedy and starts paying criminals to murder people instead of waiting for bodies to expire.

Jessica and the police are baffled when a car with no driver runs down a visitor to Cabot Cove who had fired local inventor Dan O’Brien.

Season 1, Episode 6: Hit, Run and Homicide (November 25, 1984)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

We go back to Cabot Cove just in time for a murder.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Claude Atkins is back as Captain Ethan Cragg. I wish he’d stuck around more than one season. He’s joined by Tom Bosley as Cabot Cove’s other lawman, Sheriff Amos Tupper.

Edward Albert, the son of Eddie Albert and Mexican dancer Margo, plays Tony Holiday. He has appeared in Sorceress, Ellie, The House Where Evil Dwells, Butterfly, Galaxy of Terror and The Fool Killer.

Kate Simmons is June Allyson, the wife of Dick Powell, who was Jo in 1949’s Little Women.

Leslie Ander is played by Patti D’Arbanville, who, in addition to being the subject of the song “Lady D’Arbanville” by Cat Stevens on his album Mona Bone Jakon, was once Don Johnson’s lover.

Daniel O’Brien is Van Johnson, the inventor in the middle of this mystery. He made three appearances on Murder, She Wrote. Still, he’s in movies like Delta Force Commando II: Priority Red One, Killer Crocodile, Taxi Killer, Concorde Affaire ’79 and 23 Paces to Baker Street.

Charles Woodley is Stuart Whitman, who some folks could tell you was in some big movies. Still, for me, he’s in some of my favorites: The Monster Club, Demonoid, Guyanna: Cult of the Damned, Ruby, The White Buffalo, Shadows In an Empty Room, Eaten Alive and Emanuelle – A Woman from a Hot Country AKA Fury. This is the first of four Murder, She Wrote rolls for Whitman.

Dean Merrill is played by Bruce Gray, the bride’s father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Eliza Bates is Lois Foraker, Nurse Merrin in Exorcist III and Sgt. Frazer in Child’s Play 3.

Lois Hoey? That’s Paddi Edwards, who, outside of voiceover work, is a secretary on Halloween 3.

In minor roles, Cora McIntyre is played by Dee Croxton, a gas attendant is played by Doug Stevenson (who shows up in The Prowler and Iced), Harry Stevens is in one of three small parts on the show, GR Smith plays a deputy, Roger Price was a local, Ed Morgan shows up (he was the first assistant director on The First Nudie Muscial), Juen Allyson’s wife David Ashrow has a minor part, Betty Jeanne Glennie was a passerby (one of her many crowd roles), Crystal Jenious is there, as is Paul LeClair (who shot second unit on Blood Diner and Night Patrol), Michael Rodgers and Steven Ameche.

What happens?

Charles Woodley came from Boston to Cabot Cove hoping to meet inventor Daniel O’Brian, who used to work for him. He’s nearly killed by a car with no driver—The Car? — and he’s not the last to get run over. There’s also Katie, who is trying to hire Daniel for a job and a couple named Tony and Leslie, who are in the middle of a new relationship.

Dean Merrill, Woodley’s partner, gets to town just in time to be the next victim of the car. Daniel is the main suspect, as he designed a car just like that in the past. So of course Jessica goes looking for the car while she jogs every morning and finds it almost immediately. Then she does a total Jessica move: she gets in the car and is nearly killed.

There’s also a moment when Ethan plays Spy Hunter and tries to get Jessica to leave him alone. Video games being in small neighborhood grocery stores is such a memory of when life was better. Jessica takes over his game and figures out the case, all while we get a POV shot from inside the machine, which is pretty good for an 80s network TV show.

Who did it?

Woodley, along with Leslie and Tony, because Daniel has designs which could keep the company in business. Woodley gets all the money without his partner, which he will share with his conspirators.

Who made it?

British director Alan Cooke worked a lot on TV in his homeland and America.

Writer Gerald K. Siegel wrote nine episodes of this show and episodes of Darkroom and Salvage 1.

Cinematographer Dennis Dalzell shot this (and 33 other episodes). He also worked on V, Vampire, and Bustin’ Loose and was the cameraman on Ginger In the Morning and Necromancy. His father, Archie R. Dalzell, also shot an episode of this show, as well as Cruise Into Terror, The Boy In the Plastic Bubble and The Trip.

Some facts…

Captain Joshua Wayne, the founder of Cabot Cove, was a pirate who fought for the British during the Revolutionary War.

At least when this episode happens, there are 3,560 people in Cabot Cove. Many of them will be murdered.

Lois Hoey is also in the pilot.

Jessica doesn’t have a driver’s license.

Does Jessica get some?

No, but the way she and Ethan argue, I can only imagine they have really rough sex. I mean, as rough as older people sex would be, which in my experience is going into it without taking aspirin before and using Mineral Ice after. I would go further and explain which position I think they’ll enjoy but I think we need to leave some of Jessica’s secrets secret.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No. She is dumb enough to get into a murder auto.

Was it any good?

This is a fun episode, but it’s strange that Elliot Silverstein, the director of The Car, did episodes of Murder, She Wrote but not this one with a killer car.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Captain Ethan Cragg: I’m sorry to eat and run, Jess, but they’re having a tournament on that arcade game, and since I am the current record holder, I feel obliged to defend my title.

Jessica Fletcher: Well, dishes can wait. Would you mind if I competed?

Captain Ethan Cragg: You? It really would be kind of a waste of a good quarter.

What’s next?

Jessica goes to the theme park. Someone dies. You knew that, right?

Ray Wells (Adam Storke) is ready for his father Desmond (Rance Howard) to die so he can inherit that land where a house once burned own and killed a bunch of partying teens. Ray barely hears his father’s pleas as he cuts off his air and goes to claim his property, only to find a house there and some partying teens, led by Frank (Jake Busey) and Josie (Clare Hoak).

“Greetings, thrill shriek-ers! Care to join me on the scare lift? Good! Your pal the Crypt Keeper’s quite the ex-scream skier. I just love the feeling of going fester and fester. Talk about hack-xhilarating! Which is kind of how the man in tonight’s terror tale feels. He’s just started down a black die-mond run of his own, in a nasty nugget I call: “Surprise Party.””

Ray wastes no time getting in bed with Frank’s girl before killing him and then her when she won’t stop screaming. He never stopped to wonder why his father was so freaked out by this property, but when the dead come back to life, he gets his own reasons to be afraid.

This episode was directed by Elliot Silverstein (who sure, did four episodes of this show, but also directed The Car) and was written by Tom Lyons and Colman deKay.

“Surprise Party” comes from “Surprise Party!” from Vault of Horror #37. It was drawn and written by Johnny Craig. It has a man named Jerry Adams finding a house party in the middle of nowhere, where he romances the hostess, even if the band only plays one song. That’s because in 1884. everyone died at this party and they’ve been waiting for revenge. Jerry happens to be the ancestor of the man who killed them.