Lovelines (1984)

Lovelines has a central conceit that I love so much. High schools are connected and informed by a telephone service run by J.D. Prescott (Michael Winslow!) that helps teens to fall in love while also sponsoring a battle of the bands, which seems like the kind of business model that I’d love to see someone explain to a loan officer.

Those two kids destined to fall in love are Piper (Mary Beth Evans, Kayla from Days of Our Lives) and Rick (Greg Bradford, who was in Zapped!Let’s Do It! and some other movies without exclamations in the title like Skatetown U.S.A.). They go to rival schools at war with one another, Malibu High School and Coldwater Canyon High, and they are the lead singers of their bands, The Firecats and Racer. Now, as teen movie fate would have it, they’re about to face off against one another in the finals and no one wants them to stay a couple.

Don Michael Paul, the guy who would direct sequels to movies you didn’t know had sequels, like Kindergarten CopJarheadThe Scorpion King, the last three Tremors movies, SniperLake Placid and non-sequel fare like Half Past Dead and Who’s Your Caddy?, shows up in this. So does Tammy Taylor, who was Bondi in Don’t Go Near the Park. And Godzilla, Piper’s maniac old brother, is Frank Zagarino, who was in everything from Where the Boys Are to Ten Zan Ultimate MissionStriker and Shadowchaser.

Lovelines was directed by Rod Amateau, who made some baffling films along the way like The Statue, one of the few movies Roger Ebert ever walked out on, as well as High School U.S.A., the movie that convinced Joel Robinson to leave Hollywood, plus Son of Hitler, a Peter Cushing movie that never played outside of Germany and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. That track record should explain exactly what kind of movie Lovelines is.

Really, you should watch this movie to see Miguel Ferrer show up for a split second and play the drums. That’s my review right there. If this comes out on blu ray someday, that’s the quote I want on the cover art.

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