Also known as American Force Ninja, the boss of this movie is Gordon, a ninja master who has renounced the ways of the ninja and is more concerned with selling heroin. You know he’s the bad guy because he has a swastika on his ninja mask.

His enemy is the so-called Lady Detective — what, is this like Suzy Bannion being called the American Girl? — who is being protected by the CIA Action Men and a ninja — a tame ninja at that — named Captain Scott.

Much of this movie takes place in a disco, which I’m good with, except that it has nothing to do with anything else in the film. Also: this reinforces one of the rules of the Godfrey Ho/Filmark Cinematic Universe: only a ninja can kill a ninja. This goes even further to prove that a ninja can shrug off bullets and grenades, unless thrown by a ninja.

The box art, however, is a million times better than this movie. I want to make whatever movie that it’s for so that I can watch that a million times.

Sadly, this doesn’t have much of the typical awesome bootleg songs on the soundtrack. But if one Godfrey Ho movie lets you down, he has like ten more. Or twenty. Maybe even more.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Also known as Kung Fu Rivals and the incredible title Kung Fu Emanuelle, Ninja In the Claws of the CIA was directed by John Liu, its star and the creator of the martial art Zen Kwun Do. In this film, that’s the fighting power that America’s CIA wants John, playing himself, to teach to their agents. Russia has already invented a strong fight skill and the Western powers believe that only Zen Kwun Do is strong enough to fight back. But that style means that its fighters must self-hypnotize themselves to forget lust and pain, something that Liu believes Americans can never do. But then they trick him into doing exactly that.

Once Liu — again, playing himself in a role where hushed world leaders stare at his karate magazine covers, which are as fake inside as pro wrestling magazines — is assigned to a base for training, he learns Pascho (Roger Paschy) is already teaching the men an art that makes them go insane. He saves one such fighter, Ho Wong (Casanova Wong) by giving him a rabbit in a box. It gets ripped to pieces and it seems that Ho Wong is unsaveable.

Yes, this movie is really weird and wonderful because of it.

It gets weirder.

Pascho doesn’t believe that Zen Kwun Do fighters can forget about sex. So he hires Gisete (Jolanda Egger, Playboy Playmate of the month for June 1983) to try and get him hard, all while Ho Wong keeps kicking him. He has to keep horse riding stance — used for practicing punches or to strengthen the legs and back — while she basically goes down on him. He stays soft because that’s how much of a man he is.

This all happens before Liu and CIA analyst Caroline (Mirta Miller, Blindman, Bolero, Santo vs. Dr. Death, The Shark Hunter, Eyeball; has anyone had a stranger and more amazing body of work?) go on the run. Or maybe he’s dating single mother Raquel Evans (Emmanuelle y Carol). Or perhaps he’s starting a martial arts school. But he’s totally fighting people inside a ceramic shop, which is an excuse to destroy pottery on the level that Hong Kong stunt teams would go on to smash glass in the 1980s.

None of this adds up, as scenes neither begin or end. They just appear. Cities are mentioned, locations are suggested, but this movie has a lack of logic that even Godfrey Ho wouldn’t be able to achieve. Liu is, as you may already know, the original director of New York Ninja, another movie that baffles the mind. He also made two other films, Dragon Blood and Zen Kwan Do Strikes Paris.

Oh yeah. John also has an identical twin brother who was in Vietnam but is now in a wheelchair. This is presented as a major story element and never really referred to again. Also: every woman who gets close to John dies. Don’t have sex with this man. Or try and blow him in the woods while he does martial arts moves.

That being mentioned, this movie does shine a light on the strange techniques the CIA tried to teach its agents. Of course, it’s hidden within a rambling martial arts movie that maybe ten people other than me are into, so while the truth is out there, the truth is hidden in a martial arts movie from 1983 that looks like it is a seventh generation VHS dub just placed into the wilds of the internet.

It also has a scene of John Liu doing martial arts in front of the Eiffel Tower just so you know that he really filmed some of this movie in Paris.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Made in 1984 but never released, Ninja Busters is the story of Bernie and Chic (Eric Lee and Sid Campbell), who go from getting their asses kicked to learning how to kick ass. Director Paul Kyriazi had already made Death Machines and The Weapons of Death. This differs from those in that this is a hangout film, where we get to know people, have fun with them, joke around and then the last part of the movie gets super violent and serious. I love that.

Discovered in a warehouse outside a California desert, brought back to New Jersey, screened at Exhumed’s Ex-Fest and then at The Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers, NY — and now directly to your blu ray player — this is a truly lost film, the kind of movie that those that talk about saving cinema would never consider worth rescuing. But it is worth it, just like Bernie and Chic, and so essential. We need to find movies like this, that remind us that there are still films that are out there waiting.

Our heroes may start the movie lying to women about training Bruce Lee when really all they do is work in the Dragon Imports warehouse. But they lose that job when their boss Santos gets mad at them. Then bikers beat them up. You’d think they’d go home at that point, but they decide to go watch women do karate, because why not? But that school and its teachers, Master (Gerald Okamura) and Junior Master Romero (Carlos Navarro) are able to turn them into better fighters and people, even if one of the bikers, Sonny (Frank Navarro) decides to enroll and says that when they are all black belts, he’s going to beat them up again.

Years later, that fight does happen, but everyone has become friends. But when Chic and Bernie learn that Santos has hired ninjas and is the midst of a weapons deal, they may not make it to the end of their own movie.

Also: aerobics, breakdancing and pizza.

You can buy this from Garagehouse Pictures.

Leonard Miller (Michael Todd) created Robot Ninja, a comic book that makes lots of money for his publisher Stanley Kane (Burt Ward) — named for two men who did the exact same to artists, Stan Lee and Bob Kane — but none for him. They even turn his violent comic book into a cartoon for kids.

As he grows depressed, he witnesses several crimes. When he tries to stop one, he’s put into the hospital, which leads him to seek out a way to become his creation in real life.

Directed and written by J.R. Bookwalter (The Dead Next Door, Ozone), the story finds Leonard going to Dr. Goodknight (Bogdan Pecic) for weapons and powers, then going out into the world and acting like a 80s grim and gritty black and white comics explosion vigilante hero — think Tim Vigil’s Grips, shout out to Matty Budrewicz for calling out how this is similar to Vigil’s layouts in his article on the essential The Schlock Pit — along with tons of gore and violence.

This was produced by Dave DeCouteau, who it seems like is behind nearly every other movie that I watch.  He was able to get Linnea Quigley for this.

I knew a dude in art school that spent some time trying to police his old high school, somewhere in the suburbs of Pittsburgh, wearing a Batman costume under his street clothes, waiting for the time when he was needed. He’d broken up with his girlfriend and had what I only figure was a break with our world and went into his own. I asked him why he told me his origin story, as I wondered if what if I was his arch enemy and he’d told me exactly what I needed to know to strike at his loved ones. He tried to throw me against a wall like he was Frank Miller Batman, except that, well, he didn’t have any training or strength. I just laughed, to be honest. I thought that this was really funny at the time, but today that I’m older and look back on my younger days with a mixture of sadness and headshaking cringe, I feel very upset for him. If you stay away from reality and think that comics — or movies — are real, this is what happens.

Unless you decide to become a Robot Ninja.

That’s totally fine.

You can watch this on Tubi.

You can buy the comic book and blu ray at MakeFlix.

During the Japanese occupation of Shanghai — this is a Taiwanese film directed by Tso Nam Lee by the way — Wu Siu-Wai (Elsa Yeung) has just come back, having been studying to be a ninja for most of her adult life. We see her final graduation battle, in which she uses ninja magic to appear as a dancing woman, confusing all the fire shield-carrying ninjas, and also has something like the ear that sees. Yet as she becomes a ninja, she is told her father is dead at the hands of the man she loves, Lee Tung. Or he’s her brother. I mean, if this was Italian, he could be both.

Let’s just say he’s her fiancee.

He’s also so evil that he gets “The Imperial March” from Empire Strikes Back for his theme song.

To get her revenge, she begins to train a team of women in the deadly arts of the ninja. What took her nearly twenty years to learn, she will teach to a kung fu fighter, an acrobat and a sex worker in just a few montages. Within those, you will see upskirt shorts, the camera at crotch level and mud wrestling. I always wonder about movies that are about female empowerment and then show us non-stop male gaze, but this movie gets fun when we learn that the former prostitute — her name is Chi Chi — can seduce men, then teleport behind them and kill them with a shuriken.

There are a lot of sub-bosses in this and that’s where I fall in love, as there’s a samurai with a big scorpion tattoo on his face, a guy with a whip, a sword fighter who throws webs and a female fighter who has to be mad that she can’t be part of this cool girl ninja gang. There’s also a battle in a water-logged wrestling ring that seemingly comes out of nowhere.

For some reason, this is set in the time of World War 2, yet everything including the cars and the clothes looks like 1983. There’s also a ninja helping Wu Siu-Wai with a skull mask and he can shoot fire out of his hands and man, this movie.

At the end of the movie, the true final boss is revealed and he’s able to tunnel into the Earth and fight underground. However, Wu Siu-Wai has the ninja magic of splitting into three people, so you can probably guess who wins.

This is also known as Chinese Super Ninja 2 but it is not a sequel to Chinese Super Ninja, which is the American title for Chang Cheh’s Five Element Ninjas. This is not as awesome as that movie, but man, between the anachronism, sleaze factor and fun villains, there’s still a lot to enjoy.

You can watch this on Tubi.

When Mr. Hansen comes to Hong Kong, he is attacked in moments by ninjas, as often happens. Please understand that I have never been to Hong Kong and I base this thought on the fact that I have watched ten Godrey Ho movies in two days. But anyways, Hansen as a briefcase filled with diamonds handcuffed to his wrist and the ninjas just slice it off, killing him.

Back in their ninja base — or lair — Mr. X laughs about their big win and offers wine for all his ninja friends. They’re sure he’s poisoned it, but he drinks some himself, so they figure it’s safe. Nope. Only Allan — yes, Allan the ninja — doesn’t drink. He steals the briefcase and runs, ending up at the birthday party for his girlfriend Rose.

This is where Godfrey tempts the gods of music copyright law, using not just one but two different versions of “Happy Birthday” back when you had to pay for it. More on music later, but suffice to say that Godfrey Ho feels the same way about copyright law as Negativland. Or maybe he just doesn’t care at all. Definitely, actually.

Mr. X calls the cops on Allan and he gets arrested. Near immediately, his brother Ken makes a move on Rose, which I think is worse than poisoning your ninja brothers. Allan spends years in jail and gets out with revenge on the brain. Also, obviously, everything in this part of the story is from a completely different already-made movie.

Meet our other hero: Rex (Stuart Smith). He’s in a hotel room working out when his girl — and surprise Mr. Hansen’s daughter — Tina (Christine O’Hara) end up making love in a way that feels voyeuristic to me, the viewer, in a way that does not make me comfortable. Who says things like, “It’s not fair. You’re so fit and strong.” while getting made love to?

They’re in Hong Kong to find the real killer and cross over with Allan but never actually meet because they’re in two different movies. Allan is really in Chester Wong’s The Outlaw (his Queen Bee’s Revenge had already been remixed by Ho as Ninja: American Warrior).

What they do, however, is capture one of the ninjas that attacks them and spend an inordinate amount of time studying a guide on acupuncture and stabbing him with multiple needles — after waterboarding him and using a cigarette lighter on his balls — to get the answers they need. Oh yeah. They’re Americans.

According to some sources, this isn’t Godfrey Ho — he used the name Tommy Cheng — but really Cheng Kei-Ying, who was once an actor. It feels just like the typical Ho movie if not more mean spirited in all the best of ways. I mean, when else will you see the heroine put rocks in her purse and beat the stuffing out of the final boss? Or one that ends with the hero taking away the villain’s ability to ever be a ninja again, which causes him to commit seppuku as blood sprays everywhere?

Now, to the music.

Ninja In Action has some great selections, including “The Sun Always Shines On TV” by a-ha, “Cuba Libre (remix)” by Modern Rocketry, Dirty Harry soundtrack by Lalo Schifrin, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan soundtrack by James Horner and “Love’s Gonna Get You” by Freeez.

According to nts.live, Modern Rocketry was “a hi-nrg disco band featuring Ken Kessie, active from 1983 to 1988. They’re not very well known — in fact they’re downright obscure — but what little fame they enjoyed was probably due to their 1985 release, best described as the gayest disco song ever. “Homosexuality,” with its b-side of ‘Thank God For Men,” followed in the well-trodden footsteps of Patrick Cowley’s “Menergy” and Boystown Gang’s “Cruising In The Streets” with massive gay audience appeal. A hit in gay clubland, it’s not uncommon to hear it nowadays.”

Hear it in a ninja movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Shout out to the AAV Creative Unit. They came up with the story here, along with Bill Hu, and they gifted this to Godfrey Ho. Also buried inside it is a completely other movie, 1979’s Young Dragon, which was made by Joseph Velasco who is also Kong Hung and Joseph Kong. His movies were mainly Brucesploitation films with titles like, yes, Young Dragon, but also Bruce and the Shaolin Bronzemen, Enter the Game of Death, Enter the Game of Shaolin Bronzemen and The Clones of Bruce Lee.

We have entered a lawless land, a place where things like intellectual property and copyright no longer matter, where films can unseamlessly blend into one uncohesive narrative, where music from across genre can appear without warning, where characters and storylines float about you. These movies are the closest thing to capturing my dreams and my dreams are often horrifying vistas of being following, chased and taunted by aliens, so just imagine.

First off, this isn’t even a sequel. There is no Zodiac America that came before it. Supposedly, it’s part of a trilogy with Zombie vs. Ninja and Kickboxer from Hell, but this movie doesn’t just not make sense when compared to those films, it doesn’t make sense within the confines of itself.

But let’s try.

Mr. Wu and Blackstone are running opium into Hong Kong. Only the robotic Catholic priest Father Luke Daniels and the Young Dragon can stop them. Or maybe a group of the dorkiest white guys can. Also know that Father Luke and Young Dragon come from different films, different stories, different film stock and different years of creation, all spread across a chasm of storytelling madness.

For some reason — they wanted me to watch this and this is all part of a conspiracy to get me to write about it thirty years later so you watch it and it unlocks your third eye — hopping vampires and clown ninjas also make appearances.

I’m not going to make it seem like you’re going to learn the secrets of your existence watching these movis, but to be honest, you just might. They’re the height of exploitation, made simply to sell movies with strange phrases and keywords like ninja and hopping vampire to people like, well, me. And they all do that well, proving that movies can be made with what seems like no plan, no endgame and no narrative cohesion and I’ll become fascinated and start trying to watch every single movie by the people who made them.

It goes without saying that hardly anything on the poster for this movie happens.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Igano Kabamaru is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Yū Azuki. It’s hero is a young ninja whose real name is Kagemaru, which means absolute shadow. However, every calls him Kabamaru — hippo’s mouth — because all he wants to do is eat.

After the death of his ninja teacher grandfather, he moves to Tokyo and must adjust to living in the urban landscape of Tokyo after a life spent in Iga Province, a more rural area of Japan where the actual ninja that exist in our world first came from.

It’s an intriguing idea, having this country boy in the big city. As of 2017, eleven million people live in the countryside areas of Japan while one hundred seventeen million live in the cities. My Japanese accent — ugh, my Japanese is horrible! — sounds like I come from the areas outside Osaka. I was excited to learn this, as that was the first city I spent time in.

I was told, “No, you sound like how people in America think people from West Virginia sound.”

Igano Kabamaru is to stay with Ran Ookubo, who always loved his grandfather, and attend her Kin’gyoku  ninja school. As an orphan, he bonds with Mai Ookubo, Ran’s granddaughter and also someone who has lost her parents, but she sees him as a rude person and has no interest.

The main thrust of the story is the rivalry between Kin’gyoku School and Ōgyoku School, which is, well, kind of like Meatballs in a super generalized way. I mean, it’s the poor kids versus the rich ones, slobs versus snobs. But with ninja magic, which makes it better. The Ōgyoku have also recruited the orphan that Igano Kabamaru spent most of his young life training alongside, Hayate Kirino, which adds plenty of drama.

The original manga was published from 1979 to 1981, with total 12 volumes of books released, and a sequel began in 2015. The anime aired from October 20, 1983, and March 29, 1984, around the same time that this movie was released.

The movie concentrates on the five-part competition between the schools, with such events of falling off of balloons, swimming, horseriding throwing star target practice, an eating contest that somehow Kabamaru loses and staying on a car while an enemy from the other school drives it.

Made by Toei and the Japan Action Club a group founded by Sonny Chiba — who is in this! — to bring elite stuntmen to Japanese film and TV.

This movie is frequently ridiculous but that’s what I was looking for.

A purple ninja named Cobra (Stuart Smith) is making big bets on fight club ninja battles involving pink and white ninja Gordon (Richard Harrison, who told Nanarland that he thought he was making one movie for director Godfrey Ho and “I have no idea how many films they made from my last filming, but some say as many as ten. I put a lot of trust in friendship, so it hurt more than just professionally.” He also claimed that this experience made him stop making movies.), who is training some ninjas named David, Kirk, Benny and Chester. Chester is the one who ends up mixed up in organized crime with his mother killed and his siter kidnapped. There is also talk of a ninja challenge card.

With Joseph Lai credited as director — Ho’s all over this — and the AAV Creative Unit, Stephen So and Ho credited as writing the script, this is another remix from multiple sources, in this case being footage from 1978s Kaa maa jaak meuang na-kon.

There’s also a scene where a girl named Rose is belittled because she never finished school and all she knows how to do is cook, how stupid cooking is and how stupid she is for continuing to cook.

I want to know just how secret these ninjas are, because Cobra just goes to a betting office — an OTNB (Off Track Ninja Betting)? — to place wagers on battles between pajama wearing karate fighters. Then again, this is a movie that has a ninja named White Dolphin wearing all black and a plot that wishes it was just confusing but is so many steps beyond simply being incomprehensible, so I don’t know why I ask these things.

The Ninja Commandments have been broken. That’s what I really need to worry about.

As always, the music in this movie is jarring. This time, I was able to watch “Main Attraction” by Italian-American post-disco recording artists B. B. & Q. Band, “Johnson’s Aeroplane” by INXS and “Set Controls for the Heart of the Sun” by Pink Floyd.

You can watch thion Tubi.