EDITOR’S NOTE: This was first on the site many holidays ago on December 23, 2017.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I love Joe Dante’s films. They’re all unique and all somehow straddle the line between being mainstream pieces of cinema and anarchic bites against the very hand that feeds them.

Gremlins is a great example. On the surface, it’s a cute film for the kids, complete with a cute lead character (Gizmo the Mogwai), a Christmas setting and plenty of product placement. Bubbling beneath the artifice is a film brimming with darkness and doom, a world of slime-covered monsters, dead fathers in chimneys and a town packed with money woes and depression, a place where even the lead heroine claims that there are some folks who, when “everybody else opens up presents, they’re opening up their wrists.”

Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) is an inventor who has great ideas that work great the first time, then start to fail. “Fantastic ideas for a fantastic world. I make the illogical logical,” he claims, but the majority of his inventions seem like more trouble than they’re worth. Like the Bathroom Buddy, a Swiss Army knife for those that travel often. Or the sound system he’s made from an artichoke. Or the egg smasher, mega juicer and super blender that turn every meal into a mess.

While on one of his many trips to try and sell his products, he goes to Chinatown in the hopes of finding a gift for his son, Billy (Zach Galligan, Waxwork). In a strange store, he discovers a small, furry beast called a mogwai (which is Cantonese for monster, one of the many in-jokes in a film nearly overflowing with them). However, the owner of the store, Mr. Wing (Keye Luke, “Number One Son” in the Charlie Chan films) refuses to sell it to him. However, his grandson has no such qualms, selling it with three rules: no bright lights, never get it wet and never, ever feed it after midnight.

Returning to the idyllic Kingston Falls, the mogwai is given the name Gizmo and becomes best friends with Billy. Billy spends his days working at a bank where his dog Barney (Mushroom the dog, who also was in Pumpkinhead) constantly runs afoul of the evil Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday, Flo from TV’s Alice).

One night, while hanging out with his friend Pete (Corey Feldman, The Lost Boys), a glass of water spills on Gizmo, leading to five more mogwai being born — an incident which causes great pain to the cute little creature. Whereas Gizmo is a cute little beast who loves to sing and make people happy, these mogwai are already evil before they eat before midnight — which they accomplish by chewing the power cord to Billy’d alarm clock fooling him into thinking it’s earlier than it really is.

Once they transform into gremlins, they become even worse. They murder Billy’s high school teacher, Mr. Hanson. Then, they torture Gizmo and come after Billy and his mother.

Pure chaos ensues, with gremlins being blended and destroyed by other methods, as well as gremlins killing townsfolk left and right. Soon, only Stripe is left, but he dives into the pool at the YMCA and creates a whole new army in an awesome sequence filled with smoke, fury and colored light.

Billy and Gizmo rescue his girlfriend, Kate Beringer (1980’s sex symbol Phoebe Cates, she of the rising from the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High) from a gremlin attack on a bar, after which she reveals why she hates Christmas: a long speech about her father dying inside the chimney while trying to be Santa Claus. This burst of pure bleakness stands in marked contrast to the comic chaos that populates the film.

Meanwhile, all of the gremlins are in a movie theater. “They’re watching Snow White. And they love it!” Billy exclaims. This is a scene where Dante reveals the true joy of watching a film, as the gremlins begin screaming “Heigh Ho!” the song of the Seven Dwarves. The theater is blown up and only Stripe survives, making his way to a Montgomery Ward where he tries to spawn another army.

However, Gizmo arrives in a toy car and opens the skylights, melting the villain.

Mr. Wing makes his way to Kingston Falls, where he takes Gizmo back, scolding the family that they are too careless and not ready for magic yet. However, he is happy to given the gift of one of Randall’s smokeless ashtrays and hints that Gizmo may return another day.

Gremlins was a spec script by Christopher Columbus, who heard an army of mice every night in his apartment and wondered what they would look like. In its original form, Gremlins was even meaner and darker than it ended up being. Billy’s mother is killed and her head flung down the steps, Barney the dog gets eaten and Gizmo actually becomes the monster, an idea that producer Stephen Spielberg vetoed.

I am always amazed at how many more genre films were released in the 1980’s. Gremlins proves my point — it came out the same weekend as Ghostbusters, but still was able to be the #4 movie of 1984, behind that film, Beverly Hills Cop and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

The dark center of this film, as well as the gore in Temple of Doom, gave birth to the PG-13 rating, which was suggested by Spielberg as a way of dealing with the controversy of these two films. This is referenced in Gremlins 2 when a mother yells at Paul Bartel about the content of the film. During a screening of Gremlins, a mother really did scream at Joe Dante, walking out of the theater during the kitchen gore scene. The daughter ran away from the mother during the argument and hid in the theater for the rest of the film.

This is a film packed with references to other films, a hallmark of Dante:

In one scene where Randall calls home, we can see the Time Machine from the George Pal film disappear in the background while Robby the Robot says, “Sorry miss I was giving myself an oil job. This question is totally without meaning. Pardon me, sir, stuff? Thick and heavy? Would sixty gallons be sufficient? I rarely use it myself, sir. It promotes rust.” This dialogue always makes me laugh my ass off because it makes little to no sense and Robby says it with such gravitas.

The movie theater is showing A Boy’s Life and Watch the Skies, the original titles for E.T. and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Eddie Quist’s smiley face from The Howling shows up on the Peltzer’s refrigerator.

There are also cameos from Spielberg, composer Jerry Goldsmith and Looney Tunes creator Chuck Jones.

And man, I almost forgot that Dick Miller shows up in here, as he does in every Dante film!

Gremlins is packed with sheer joy, from its art direction to character design and devotion to showing just how messy the gremlins can get. Sure, it references It’s a Wonderful Life, but it also shows Invasion of the Body Snatchers as another film within the film. It’s a film worth watching any time of the year — in fact, it came out in the summertime despite its holiday setting.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was originally on the site on December 22, 2017.

We love portmanteau movies. Tales from the Crypt, Asylum, Tales that Witness Madness, really anything that Amicus ever did? Yep. However, modern versions tend to be seriously lacking, substituting gore and shock for storytelling and proper use of the form.

LIke A Christmas Horror Story. It skirts the very thing that makes the anthology film tick — it has a framing device, but instead of using it to start the story, every single installment seems like it’s happening at the same time. The better way to do this is for each story to have its moment in the sun, as narratively this film feels like cut jump city.

The main thread of the film is Dangerous Dan (William Shatner, The Devil’s Rain!), who is doing his annual holiday marathon radio show. Meanwhile, all holiday hell is breaking loose:

STORY ONE: Three high school kids break into their school — which was once a convent — to investigate the murders that happened in the basement last year. One of their friends was supposed to go, but she had to go out of town with her parents. We’ll get back to her later. Anyhow, everyone ends up locked in the basement, one of them gets possessed and tries to have sex with everyone. Turns out that the ghost is a pregnant teenager who had a virgin conception that nuns killed when they tried to take it out of her body. The ghost just wants her child to be born, so it gets the girl knocked up, kills the boy and lets her go.

STORY TWO: A police officer illegally chops down a Christmas tree for his family, but his son disappears for a while. When they find him, he’s never the same again. The owner of the woods calls the wife and tells her that he is a changeling and that they need to return him. Of course, the kid kills the dad and decorates him like a tree before the mom brings it back, kills the master of the woods and gets her child back.

STORY THREE: Remember that girl who didn’t get to go along with her friends? Well, she’s heading to visit aunt Etta, who scares everyone with her tales of Krampus. On the way home from the disastrous family holiday, they crash their car and are chased by Krampus. Turns out that this is the worst family ever, filled with sins. Luckily, the oldest daughter is able to kill Krampus before transforming into the beast and killing her aunt.

STORY FOUR: Santa Claus has issues — everyone in his life has become a zombie. He fights a horde of his loved ones to the death before battling Krampus, but it turns out that he is really Dangerous Dan’s weatherman and he’s had a nervous breakdown. He’s really been killing people in the mall and the police arrive and gun him down.

This film all takes place in the town of Bailey Downs, where both Ginger Snaps and Orphan Black originate. That’s because they share the same directorial team — Grant Harvey, Steven Hoban, and Brett Sullivan.

I will say that the special effects are really nice for the budget. But sadly, the film feels rote. There are few moments of surprise or wonder that things happen the way that they do. Some of it feels made for the Hot Topic hipsters of the world, those that scoff at Christmas while celebrating Krampus because it makes them feel cool and edgy to do so. And yet there are a few cool moments and it’s not like I wasn’t entertained. But I wanted more. I wanted a narrative thread I could follow, I wanted a reason for these things to be happening versus them just happening.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe Amicus spoiled me. But I felt like I had just eaten several handfuls of Christmas cookies and was left with a stomach ache.

If you want to watch it, it’s on Netflix and Shudder.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was originally on the site on December 25, 2017.

This is the absolute bottom of the holiday barrel, a trip through hell that one can never prepare themselves for. You think you’ve known pain? You’ve known nothing, to quote Samhain.

On Mars, Momar and Kimar are worried that their children, Girmar (Pia Zadora, who also sang the horrifying song “Hooray for Santa Claus,” but let’s forgive her because she was in The Lonely Lady) and Bomar are watching too much Earth TV. The big thing they’re all excited about is a live interview with Santa. But the kids have some pretty big issues — their education is fed directly into their brains with no individual thought.

The wise ancient Chochem has seen this coming for centuries and says that Mars also needs a Santa Claus. The Martians are all pretty much assholes, so they decide to steal Earth’s Santa instead of creating their own.

Along the way, the Martians kidnap two Earth children along with Santa. Voldar, a Martian hardliner, disagrees with this idea and keeps trying to kill Santa and the kids. Yes, in a holiday movie meant for children, Santa faces death. Sadly, this film is so painful, children very well may cheer for Santa’s doom in the hopes that this movie ends sooner.

Then there’s the wacky Martian named Dropo, who will challenge your will to live. There are all sorts of badly made toys, wacky hijinks and murder plots. The fact that parents would subject their kids to this travesty upsets me to this day.

Dell even had a comic tie-in, so kids could relive the ennui and forced humor of this film again and again.

It gets worse. There was an album version, so kids could listen to the shrill theme song until they puked! I’ll do you a horrible favor and share the song with you right now!

If you can make it through this movie, you get whatever you want for Christmas!

You can watch this on Tubi.

Made 24 years after Bachelor Party and having nothing at all to do with it, this was directed by James Ryan and written by Neal Israel, Pat Proft and Jay Longino from a story by Bob Israel.

Ron (Josh Cooke) is going to marry Melinda (Sara Foster), as long as he makes it through the bachelor party. Her brother Todd (Warren Christie) thinks Ron isn’t good enough for his sister, so he makes sure that that party gets Ron in trouble. Maybe he’s right, because all of Ron’s friends are pretty dumb: the do-nothing Jason (Greg Pitts), nerdy Seth (Danny Jacobs) and three-time marriage failure Derek (Harland Williams).

That said, nice girl dancer Eva (Emmanuelle Vaugier, Addison Corday from Saw II and Saw IV) is really the right girl. But whatever — this movie is so set in its ways. Audrey Landers is the mom, so that’s kind of cool, I guess. You could do better and watch her and her sister Judt in Deadly Twins.

I mean, the height of wit in this is that the guys end up sleeping with Aryan strippers. Should I expect anything of a past its expiration sequel to Bachelor Party? Yeah, I should. That movie had not just. Tom Hanks, but Tawny Kitaen, Michael Dudikoff and Ginger Lynn. Come on, Israel and Proft. You guys made, well, Moving Violations and Surf Ninjas. Ah, never mind, Neal. But Pat, you wrote Police Academy, Real Genius and Naked Gun. Come on, dude.

Directed and written by Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley (Horrible Bosses, Game Night), Vacation has Ed Helms as the grown-up Rusty Griswold and married to Debbie (Christina Applegate), with whom he has two kids — James (Skyler Gisondo) and Kevin (Steele Stebbins).

To recapture the fun of his childhood vacations, he rents a Tartan Prancer and puts his family in the car for a trip to Wally World. Unlike his father’s trip, it’s his son James who keeps running into his dream girl, Adena (Catherine Missa). Well, there is a scene where Rusty does flirt with another mystery woman (Hannah Davis Jeter) but she quickly wrecks into a truck.

They also meet up with Rusty’s sister Audrey (Leslie Mann), who is now married to anchorman Stone Crandall (Chris Hemsworth) and his parents, which is a nice use of Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo.  Actually, the guest roles are way better than the cast, as Charlie Day is great as a suicidal river guide, Norman Reedus is a trucker chasing the Griswolds and when Rusty and Debbie try to make love where Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico meet, they are almost busted by Tim Heidecker, Nick Kroll, Kaitlin Olson and Michael Peña.

It’s a movie with a few funny scenes but come on. This is a Vacation movie. It needs to be more and there was no way it could be as good as the past, just like your childhood vacation.

Jean Shepherd started working on this movie in 1989 after wrapping up production on the TV movie Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss and realizing that he was making more off the replays of A Christmas Story than trying to create TV shows or films. The cast of that film was now too old to oplay the roles, other than Ralphie’s teacher, Miss Shields, who is played again by Tedde Mills.

A year after the first movie, Ralphie Parker (Kieran Culkin) is now battling with a new bully, Lug Ditka (Whit Hertford), with former bad guy Scut Farkus (Chris Owen) now just another student. The two battle spinning tops and most of the movie involves Ralphie trying to find the perfect top to defeat Lug. Randy is played by Kieran’s brother Christian.

Meanwhile, mom (Mary Steenburgen) is dealing with a movie theater giving away the same gravy boat every week — the same story is in The Phantom of the Open Hearth — while the Old Man (Charles Grodin, trying to do a grunting approximation of Darren McGavin) is battling an even bigger Bumpus clan.

Directed again by Bob Clark, this was released as It Runs In the Family but released on video as My Summer Story. It’s a cute enough movie — the moment where Ralphie realizes he’s now a man are really poignant — but you can see why the studio changed the name of the film so it wouldn’t be compared to A Christmas Story.

Starting around 1983, cinepanettoni movies started to be released every Christmas in Italy. The name means cinema and panettone, a sweet bread traditionally given during the season. A lot of these movies are about Italian families abroad getting into hijinks. The holidays — just as over here — are a great time for people to get out of the house and into theaters.

If you’ve only seen his films Arcane Sorcerer, Nine Deaths a Week, Zeder and The House with the Laughing Windows, you may not think director and writer Pupi Avati is someone filled with the Christmas spirit. Yet he made this, a film in which Christmas night is spent amongst a group of former friends — Gabriele (Alessandro Haber), Stefano (George Eastman), Ugo (Gianni Cavina) and Franco (Diego Abatantuono) — who get back together after years of distrust. They want to be friends again but are unsure how to do it. Perhaps ripping off the rich and mysterious Avvocato Santelia (Carlo Delle Piane)  in a game of poker is the way to make their lives come back together.

Each of them is at a bad place in their lives. Gabriele is tired of his newspaper job and just wants enough money to be able to write about what he really loves, the films of John Ford. Stefano is struggling to keep up his heterosexual ruse but truly loves men. Ugo is divorced and ugly at love. Only Franco is rich enough to get Santelia to play a game of poker. However, he’s now the owner of a cinema and doesn’t want anything to do with Ugo. His secret is that his life seems rich and powerful on the outside but he must answer to so many people. Money could help. Can’t it always? Uggo promises that he will make up for a past slight to Ugo, who still doubts his former associate.

Franco and the lawyer are the ones in the lead as the game begins and as we see the cards play, we also learn what happened in the past: Franco’s first wife Martina — the only woman he has loved — made love to Uggo. As the stakes go higher, the true reasons for the evening will become known.

This was so popular that in 2014, Avati made a sequel, La rivincita di Natale, with the same cast. That film even has a scene that discusses the Martyrdom of Saint Sebastian, the work of art that The House with the Laughing Windows is based on.

It’s so odd to see a smiling ladykiller George Eastman in this movie, playing cards instead of doing what he’s better known for, ripping into a woman’s stomach and eating her unborn baby.

The ninth American Pie movie and the first with no Eugene Levy — finally too big for these movies — or any female nudity, American Pie Presents: Girls’ Rules invents the original film and has four girls — in case you missed the title — by the names of Annie (Madison Petis), Kayla (Piper Curda), Michelle (Natasha Behnam) and Stephanie Stifler (Madison Broadway) who all make a pact to get what they want.

What do that want? Annie wants to lose her virginity. Kayla wants to know that she’s the only woman for her boyfriend. Michelle wants to find a boy that can deal with her love of Presidents and sex toys. And the female Stifler is dominating her principal. They all kind of want the nice guy Grant (Darren Barnet).

Director Mike Elliott is a sequel master, producing The Terror Within II, Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight, Bloodfist IV: Die Trying, Bloodfist V: Human Target, Casper: A Spirited Beginning, Casper Meets Wendy, Addams Family Reunion, Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish, Beethoven’s 5th, American Pie Presents: Band Camp, WarGames: The Dead Code, Beethoven’s Big Break, American Pie Presents: The Book of Love, Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball, Death Race 2, Blue Crush 2, Death Race 3: Inferno, The Little Rascals Save the Day, The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power, Kindergarten Cop 2, Honey 3: Dare to Dance, Bigger Fatter Liar, Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack, Bulletproof 2, Honey: Rise Up and Dance, Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell, Death Race: Beyond Anarchy, The Scorpion King: Book of Souls, Grand-Daddy Day Care, Undercover Brother 2, How High 2, Unbroken: Path to Redemption, The Prince & Me II: The Royal Wedding, Timecop: The Berlin Decision, Au Pair II, Turbulence II: Fear of Flying, The New Addams Family, Caged Heat 3000, Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom, Munchie Strikes Back, In the Heat of Passion II: Unfaithful, Carnosaur 2, The Unborn, Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III, Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger and Blackbelt II.

After the success of American Pie Presents: The Book of Love, writer David H. Steinberg was hired to write American Pie Presents: East Great Falls, a movie about four new male students at East Great Falls High School who all want to date the same girl. In 2017, Blayne Weaver was hired to gender swap everything.