Gregory Widen has had a great career, creating Highlander, Backdraft and this movie, which is a pretty great record. This was the first film he directed and man, it’s stayed with me since I first saw it more than 25 years ago.

Thomas Dagget (Elias Koteas, who somehow can be in a kids movie like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Crash) is a Catholic seminary student who loses his faith after watching a battle between angels and becomes an LAPD cop just in time for Simon (Eric Stoltz) to enter his home, tell him that the war between angels is here and get attacked by Uziel, an angel under the command of Gabriel (Christopher Walken).

Seriously, Walken owns every frame he’s in and he actually has some great company in this one. That said, the cast is packed with heavy hitters like Virginia Madsen, Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer and Amanda Plummer.

None of them would deliver lines like Walken: “I’m an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now until kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why.”

Then again, Mortensen does get this one: “Little Tommy Daggett. How I loved listening to your sweet prayers every night. And then you’d jump in your bed, so afraid I was under there. And I was!”

Well, when the cops do an autopsy on Uziel, who has been killed by Simon, and learn that the body has no eyes, both sexual organs and the blood chemistry of an aborted fetus. Yeah, this is the kind of movie that drops those strange bits of knowledge on you just to see if you’re paying attention.

I got the opportunity to speak to the film’s producer, Joel Soisson, who said, “The idea was that these Hallmark angels in the Old Testament were not nice at all. They were brutal. And they just take you down. And I looked at it as they hated humans and then we have these predatory angels and nothing had been done like this before. Now, TV is starting to do things like Legion but in 1995, nobody was doing this.

The producers didn’t get it. They really liked the story but said, “What if instead of angels, they were zombies?” And we answered, “Well, that’s not the story.”

When I look back at all the genre things I did, that’s the one that I would remake or make another sequel. Gregory made something as engrossing as The Bible and it’s just as full of paradoxes as The Bible. So whatever you believe, you don’t have to be Christian, you can interpret so many things out of the Scriptures. And the angels are mysteries that we can’t understand and it’s fascinating to me.

I love that we find this conflict between the angels, with Walken’s Gabriel leaving Heaven and trying to start a new Hell, but Satan comes to Earth and says, “Not on my watch.” And Satan helps humanity! There’s humanity and even some John le Carré espionage.”

This is one of my favorite films because it’s so unashamed to be as weird as it gets. If this movie was only the scene where Walken hung out with school children and yelled out, “Study your math, kids. Key to the universe!” it’d already be one that I adore.

It’s years ahead of its time and still feels fresh.

As for the four sequels, well, stay tuned.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Don Michael Paul has made a ton of sequels like Jarhead 2: Field of Fire, Sniper: Legacy, Tremors 5: Bloodlines, Sniper: Ghost Shooter, Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell, Death Race: Beyond Anarchy, The Scorpion King: Book of Souls, Jarhead: Law of Return, Bulletproof 2 and Tremors: Shrieker Island.

So if Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to be Detective John Kimble anymore, I guess you get Dolph Lundgren to be an FBI agent, team him with Bill Bellamy and just make the entire movie over again.

At one point in his life, writer David H. Steinberg served as editor-in-chief of the Duke University law review. This prepped him for writing American Pie Presents: The Book of Love I guess. We can all agree that making sequels is more fun than being a lawyer.

But seriously: This is the same movie, minus the tumor line, in a fancier school, with Dolph in it. I really can’t believe that this was made and that anyone outside of me would watch it. Perhaps by reading this, I’ve sated your curiosity. I know that you lay awake at night with all of the unanswered questions that Kindergarten Cop left you with.

You can watch this on Tubi.

With apologies to Don Henley:

Remember when Julian Sands was Warlock
And made lots of Christians die?
Didn’t have a care in the world
With Satan as his daddy standing by
Cutting out Mary Woronov’s eyes
And making Lori Singer look all old
But this time, there’s one small detail
Since Julian Sands had to fly

Oh, we can all wish that he didn’t go
But we have to get used to Bruce Payne
Yes, Damodar from those movies about D&D
And the Passenger 57 bad guy
You can lay your head back on the couch
And let your taste fall all around you
Offer up your best defense
But this is Warlock 3
This is the end of the innocence

Actually, for a third movie in a series, much less one made in a Roger Corman studio in Ireland, this is way better than it has any right. Director and writer Eric Freiser has some skills, so it’s sad that he didn’t get to make too many movies. He did make another sequel, the TV movie Another Midnight Run.

Although this is a sequel, this Warlock is not related to the Julian Sands one. But hey — you probably already rented this on a big stack of five for $5 for five day movies and you won’t know that until you get home.

You can watch this on Tubi.

You may notice that so many of the sequels we’ve covered this week are past their expiration date. By that, I mean the time to make a sequel to Basic Instinct was a few years after that one came out in 1992, not in 2006.

You may also remember that so many of these movies are troubled production. Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction is no different. MGM had planned this movie to come out in 2002 — still late, but somewhat better — but then decided they had no interest in making the movie. That’s when lead actress Sharon Stone filed a lawsuit claiming she was guaranteed at least $14 million for her commitment to the sequel, even if the movie never got made and as much as 15% of gross receipts if the film were released.

By 2004, the lawsuit was settled and director Michael Caton-Jones (Doc Hollywood, The Jackal, Memphis Belle) got the job. He was broke and needed to make a movie, but called making this movie a “poisoned chalice” and said that “It was horrible. And I knew before I started that it wasn’t going to be a particularly good film. Which is a very, very painful thing.”

The movie starts in London with novelist and possible serial killer Catherine Tramell (Stone) using a passed out soccer player’s hand to get herself off while speeding through the streets, finally crashing into the Thames river. It was at this point that I began laughing uncontrollably as the athlete gazes upon Tramell like she’s some kind of vision and then drowns while she swims away.

It turns out that the soccer star was all pilled up and couldn’t even move, but Scotland Yard is unable to make any charges stick. But she has to report to court ordered sessions with Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey), who she of courses beds and starts writing about for her new novel, a story in which real people all around them are being killed in both prose and real-life ways.

Unlike the original movie, which seems to only hint at the fact that Tramell is a killer or can manipulate any man or woman into doing what she wants, in this one it’s beyond obvious and there’s even a square up reel at the end showing all the murders and how she talked Glass into it.

I kind of love the reasons why no man was good enough for this movie. Michael Douglas? Too old. Robert Downey Jr.? Possession charges. Kurt Russell? Didn’t want to strip down. Pierce Brosnan? Didn’t like the sleaze. Bruce Greenwood? Potential actor strike. Rupert Everett? Calling a pervert who American audiences wouldn’t accept by the MGM CEO. And Benjamin Bratt? Sharon Stone didn’t think he was a good actor. Let that one set in.

Remember when Nigel Tufnel confusingly asked, “What’s wrong with being sexy?” I kept hearing that same question throughout this movie but it’s just a cavalcade of shocking scenes that by 2006 were no longer shocking. This is the kind of movie that demanded to be made by someone demented, someone willing to tell Sharon Stone that she’d have to dress like a cat and urinate in a litter box on camera or fart into jars and sell them to people if she wanted to shock someone. Instead, her scene of knowingly looking into another man’s eyes while engaging in an orgy is positively quaint. It’s like finding out your mom’s best friend is on Fetlife. You’re not all that surprised and you really don’t want to know the details or see any pictures, but you can be happy for her and wish her well.

Speaking of that, Stone wanted to make a third one and even offered to direct. Please make this happen.

After watching this movie, I have some slim inkling of how African-Americans may have felt after hearing Amos ‘n Andy on the radio. I mean, sure, I’m only half Italian. I’m also half Polish, which means I made myself an offer I couldn’t understand, but after hearing the incredibly loud and near braying Italian accent of Nino Cimino, who plays Tony Pantera, the mobster protagonist of this story, I felt like I finally understood why The Federation of Italian-American Democratic Organizations protested The Untouchables (I also understand that group was started by Anthony Anastasio, vice president of the International Longshoremen’s Association, controller of Brooklyn Local 1814, the boss of the Brooklyn docks and oh yeah, Gambino family associate).

Before you can say “Forget about it,” Tony has been relocated to Los Angeles in the witness protection program after his partners turn on him. So he finds a bar, starts getting laid and ends up fighting everyone he meets before they fall in love with him.

Also, Tony hates Christmas. I mean, he hates it more than me.

Cimino (Amityville Cop, the American Mobster movies) wrote this as well and you know, I kind of think I got the same Stockholm Syndrome — maybe Salerno Syndrome? — as everyone else he meets and found myself laughing by the end of the movie and hoping that Tony would get to bring an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house of LAPD officer Natalie (Jaclyn Marfuggi).

Anyways, this was directed by the same guy who made Samurai Cop 2 and Amityville Cop Gregory Hatanaka, who has also made a modern take on Emanuelle — using the D’Amato spelling — The Awakening of Emanuelle.

Bonus points for casting Lisa London, who was Rocky in the Andy Sidaris films Guns and Savage Beach.

Will Tony find love? Will he find the true meaning of Christmas? Will I get used to his accident? Will I adopt it and follow my wife around the house screaming things at her from this movie?

I think we know the answers.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Did you know that Druids have stopped the rise of Satan’s son using six magical rune stones that create light to vanquish the darkness since, well, the beginning of everything? While the Druids perform a ritual upon a woman Satan has selected to be his concubine, Christians who feel their work is Satanic kill them and scatter their runestones. Way to go, Christians.

This was directed by Anthony Hickox, who made the criminally underrated Waxwork and Waxwork II. Julian Sands is back as the Warlock and he’s being challenged by the son of Druids, Kenny Travis, and the daughter of Christians, Samantha Ellison. Again, the Warlock is pretty much the star of the show, being born in one night in a virgin birth, then killing his mother, using her body to speak to Satan and turning her skin into a map. I mean, the dude is a party.

This movie also has a generous serving of character actors, like Steve Kahan, R.G. Armstrong, Charles Hallahan and Bruce Glover.

Supposedly, Frank LaLoggia (Fear No Evil, The Lady in White) was going to direct this movie, but was let go by the studio when his ideas proved to be too expensive.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The first ever non-binary led Christmas film, this is the story of Pace (Socks Whitmore, an agender/gender non-conforming singer, voice and stage actor, lyricist-composer and writer), who is sent on an adventure to find a tree by her boss, who was once mean but has now been visited by not just three ghosts of Christmas but four.

That journey brings Pace to an elf named Buddy (Ky Mullen) and sparks fly. I’ve already seen one upset review on Amazon about this, saying that it wasn’t appropriate for a teenager, but I think that review may have come from someone who was morally upset by what they just saw.

I mean, it is Christmas. Or the holidays. Or honestly whatever you want to call it. This is a cute and silly little movie, a bit of fun, and if the worst we deal with is watching some non-gender-conforming elves and humans find love, then why are we even singing carols and giving gifts?

You can watch this on Tubi.

Steve Miner is a secret success story, between directing Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III, House and yeah, sure, Lake Placid and Halloween H20. Here, he’s working from a script from Pitch Black creator David Twohy and telling the story of a male witch who has come to our time to destroy our world for Satan. He’s blasted through a time portal and is followed by the witchhunter Giles Redferne (Richard E. Grant).

Julian Sands is that Warlock and man, the movie is great because of him, as well as some deft writing and a great cameo by Mary Woronov.

Satan has told the Warlock to reassemble The Grand Grimoire, a spell book separated into three pieces which can unmake Creation when united, because that seems like a good idea. In his way is not just Giles, but Kassandra (Lori Singer), a woman who the magician has rapidly aged.

If you watch this and think, “Man, that age makeup is horrible,” you’re not alone. Singer was allegedly hard to deal with and turned down the makeup of FX artist Carl Fullerton, despite it being fully tested and approved. On the day of shooting, she refused to be made up as a forty-year-old woman and would not wear any prosthetics, so Fullerton had to use stippling, shadowing and a gray wig. The sixty-year-old makeup needed prosthetics, which Singer agreed to, but refused to have any near her nose or eyes.

New World Pictures was suffered financial difficulties when this was made and that led to the movie being shelved for two years. It was released by Trimark and ended up making them some cash.

You can watch this on Tubi.

You know what blew my mind? There was a video game!