A Wiseguy Christmas (2021)

After watching this movie, I have some slim inkling of how African-Americans may have felt after hearing Amos ‘n Andy on the radio. I mean, sure, I’m only half Italian. I’m also half Polish, which means I made myself an offer I couldn’t understand, but after hearing the incredibly loud and near braying Italian accent of Nino Cimino, who plays Tony Pantera, the mobster protagonist of this story, I felt like I finally understood why The Federation of Italian-American Democratic Organizations protested The Untouchables (I also understand that group was started by Anthony Anastasio, vice president of the International Longshoremen’s Association, controller of Brooklyn Local 1814, the boss of the Brooklyn docks and oh yeah, Gambino family associate).

Before you can say “Forget about it,” Tony has been relocated to Los Angeles in the witness protection program after his partners turn on him. So he finds a bar, starts getting laid and ends up fighting everyone he meets before they fall in love with him.

Also, Tony hates Christmas. I mean, he hates it more than me.

Cimino (Amityville Cop, the American Mobster movies) wrote this as well and you know, I kind of think I got the same Stockholm Syndrome — maybe Salerno Syndrome? — as everyone else he meets and found myself laughing by the end of the movie and hoping that Tony would get to bring an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house of LAPD officer Natalie (Jaclyn Marfuggi).

Anyways, this was directed by the same guy who made Samurai Cop 2 and Amityville Cop Gregory Hatanaka, who has also made a modern take on Emanuelle — using the D’Amato spelling — The Awakening of Emanuelle.

Bonus points for casting Lisa London, who was Rocky in the Andy Sidaris films Guns and Savage Beach.

Will Tony find love? Will he find the true meaning of Christmas? Will I get used to his accident? Will I adopt it and follow my wife around the house screaming things at her from this movie?

I think we know the answers.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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