I’m trying to put these movies in order before I get into this. The Bigfoot and Illuminati universe would be in this order:

• Bigfoot vs. The Illuminati
• Trump vs. The Illuminati
• Bigfoot vs. Megalodon
• Tickles the Clown
• Bigfoot vs. Krampus
• Van Helsing
• Xterminator and the AI Apocalypse
• Bigfoot Goes to Hell
• Bigfoot vs. Krampus 2

If you’ve been watching these movies, you know that the clone of Van Helsing lives in space with Bigfoot, Dr. Jekyll and Princess Kali. After Bigfoot vs. Megalodon, the Illuminati has been destroyed. Now, another race of aliens, the Atlantians, has called for help as they are being destroyed by a single fighter who ends up being Krampus.

Haven’t seen any of these movies? They’re directed and written by BC Fourteen and look a lot like cut scenes from video games, yet have a very interesting sense of humor and enough dirty words to keep this from being something for young children. They’re around an hour each and the story continues in each movie.

The attack of Krampus brings Aleister Crawley, General Stalin and the Illuminati out of wherever they’ve been hiding and attacking the allied forces. For some reason, Krampus looks like Immortan Joe and you know, the look is an improvement.

I also kind of adore that this movie randomly uses stock footage because you know Bruno Mattei had 5G, he’d have done the same thing.

And then Jack Pumpkinhead — yes, pretty much Jack Skellington — shows up. A Terminator, too. This movie just keeps adding characters and you know, I’m in the mood for all of it and more. This feels like the kind of movie kids really good at editing wrestlers on WWE 2k24 would make. Hell soon has an entire army of monsters and by the end, Krampus and Lucifer have united to destroy what’s left of humanity with only Bigfoot left.

I am left with so many metaphysical questions that I can only hope are answered by the next movie in this series.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This was originally a web series, edited together and uploaded to Tubi, where you will find it and expect to have a real movie but instead be given this.

Directed and written by Stephan George, this is the story of a series of seasonal suicides set up and set into motion by Santa. You can get it from the title, right?

There are a bunch of gorgeous young people in this — Adam (Daniel Francis-Swaby), Lee (Brian Law), Sarah (Khaleila Hisham), Tom (Ciaran Lonsdale) — and some long-held reasons for hunting down people, feeding them snake venom and then killing them while they’re still alive but can’t move and feel it all. That part reminds me of Paolo Cavara’s Black Belly of the Tarantula except that unlike a giallo, this gives away the killer as soon as the story starts.

I don’t think they had much of a budget for special effects because people get their wrists sliced open and blood should been literally spraying like that geyser of a kill in Tenebrae and instead, nothing at all.

It’s unfair for me to judge this digital video serial killer movie against giallo but that’s kind of what I do. You may enjoy this more than I did, as it seemed herky jerky — that can be explained by how they edited together shorts into one longer film, the same issue that Scorpion with Two Tails, a late entry from Sergio Martino that was put together from five 50-minute TV shows — but this just didn’t work for me.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This is my holiday tradition. Watching David DeCoteau-directed movies starring Vivica A. Fox.

There’s A Christmas Intern (with Michael Paré and Jackée, no less, and I wonder if they discuss how no one puts the accent on the e in their last names), A Christmas for Mary, Christmas Matchmakers, My Christmas Grandpa and A Christmas Cruise, A Husband for Christmas. They also made The Wrong… series together, which includes movies about an incorrect life coach, high school sweetheart, blind date, cheer captain, Valentine, Prince Charming, Mr. Right, fiancé, real estate agent, cheerleader coach, stepfather, wedding planner, house sitter, cheerleader, tutor, mommy, stepmother, boy next door, teacher, friend, cruise, man, crush, student, child and roommate.

Mariah Carey only thinks she’s the queen of Christmas. Has she been in Sworn Justice: Taken Before Christmas, A New Diva’s Christmas Carol (directed by Rusty Cundieff!), Dognapped: Hound for the Holidays (directed by Fred Olen Ray, as well as A Wedding for Christmas), Holiday Hideaway, A Cozy Christmas Inn, The Christmas Thief, 2nd Chance for Christmas (with Tara Reid and Brittany Underwood), Christmas With a View, Royal Family Christmas, A Royal Family Holiday, A Christmas Wedding, So This Is Christmas, Annie Claus Is Coming to Town, A Holiday Heist and Farewell Mr. Kringle or has she just put out an album? When it comes to basic cable holiday movies, Vivica A. Fox is the holiday diva.

Writer Jay Cipriani also wrote A Christmas for Mary, Carole’s Christmas, A Winter Wonderland, A Christmas Cruise, Sharing Christmas, Sleigh Bells Ring, A Husband for Christmas, Christmas Land, 3 Holiday Tails, A Golden Christmas and A Golden Christmas 3.

Ava (Anna Marie Dobbins) has pretty much been dumped by her boyfriend Dean (Anthony Carro) for his career. She decides that she’s going to spend the holidays in Tinsel, the most Christmas place ever, a small town that reminds her of her days as a little girl. She’s lured in by an ad that Mia (Rylie Coe) has placed in the hopes of finding a new wife for her widowed dad Mason (Marc Herrmann).

Vivica plays the next door neighbor Viv who encourages the love match in this.

Mason has no lens in his glasses but Ava does have a cute dog, which seems to work into the plan Mia has to get a dog of her own. Everything works out, as you knew it would, and we’re off to another holiday movie for DeCoteau and Fox.

You can watch this on Tubi.

School of the Holy Beast is a sacrilegious blast of exploitation that combines pinky violence, nunsploitation, Bava-esque colors and some of the wildest moments you’ve ever seen in a movie maybe ever. Japan is not Christian or even Catholic, yet somehow they love to make nunsploitation films. This movie proves that they come close and may even go further than their Italian moviemaking competition.

Maya Takigawa (Yumi Takigawa, Karate Bearfighter) has become one of the sisters of the Sacred Heart Convent to learn why her mother was whipped and hung herself before in death giving birth to Maya. I’m sure you can figure out that the Abbess Sadako Matsumara (Yoko Mihara) was the one who was always jealous of Maya’s mother Michiko and that the man who was her father is the blind Father Kakinuma (Fumio Watanabe). Yet this movie embraces style — and excess — and delivers everything you come to these movies for and more, include self-flagellation, sinful nuns, a nun forced to drink salt water and be held over a portrait of Jesus to see if she’s possessed and will urinate all over it, evil nuns falling through trap doors and getting launched out windows and being impaled on a fence and a scene where the nuns all whip another with roses after she’s tied up with rose thorns and small motion petals dance in front of the camera and blood slowly makes its way, as red as any fake hemoglobin that Mario Bava committed to screen against the lush green of the vines. Has blasphemy ever looked so gorgeous?

It all ends on Christmas night, as the priest makes love to his daughter — he didn’t know until its too late — before being stabbed with a crucifix by the ghost of Maya’s mother and then the camera spins and sails into the ceiling to show him dead in the shape of an upside-down cross

Norifumi Suzuki is definitely going to Hell but at least he left this behind to corrupt more souls who will join him in eternal torment. He made fifty more movies, including the incredible Hoero Tekken,and Karei-naru tsuiseki as well as another movie filled with sleaze, Sex and Fury.  Suzuki also directed the ten-movie Torakku Yarō series in which Momojiro Hoshi and Kinya Aikawa race around Japan in dekotora or highly decorated trucks. I need to watch everything he made. He often worked with his co-writer on this movie, Masahiro Kakefuda.

Imagine if an Italian Gothic horror film, a giallo and a nun film all got together, got high and talked about the issues behind everything man has endured. That gives you a clue of just how wild this movie gets, except it may even defile — not a typo for defy — your expectations so much further.

You have to love a heroine who literally destroys an entire convent and then just walks the street of the city, away from this secret world and back in the world of the living, no one knowing the things that she’s seen or what she’s done.

The last Animagic movie by Rankin/Bass Production, this is based on The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus by L. Frank Baum and is not tied to any of the continuity of the other Rankin/Bass specials such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town, Frosty’s Winter Wonderland, Rudolph’s Shiny New Year and Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July.

I can only imagine how this movie — made in the middle of the Satanic Panic — went over. It starts with the Great Ak telling the Immortals the story of Santa Claus so that they will keep him alive forever. Yes, Claus was once an abandoned baby given to the lioness Shiegra before he was stolen by a wood nymph named Necile.

In the world of humans, Claus tries to spread joy but has to battle the dark Awgwas who make children do bad things. Eventually, the Angwas attack Santa so many times that the Immortals get involved and destroy them, even telling Santa that they have perished. This is a show for kids. To bring that point home, this ends with Santa on his deathbed, asking his friends to decorate a tree to remember him, just as the Immortals decide to allow him to join them.

Baum introduced the Forest of Burzee in his short story”The Runaway Shadows or A Trick of Jack Frost” before using in The Life & Adventures of Santa Claus, “A Kidnapped Santa Claus,” “Nelebel’s Fairyland” and Queen Zixi of Ix. Burzee is in the same universe as Oz. Some examples include Queen Zurline of the Wood Nymphs and Queens Lulea and Lurline of the Fairies probably all being the same person and in The Magic Cloak of Oz, embassies between these universes are created and Santa becomes the ambassador to Oz.

It may also freak you out when you realize that most of the cast of this comes from Thundercats, so yes, Santa has the same voice as Mumm-Ra — Earl Hammond — possibly the most Satanic of all 80s cartoon characters.

Common Sense Media said, “Of possible concern for the youngest viewers are the several mentions that Santa’s going to be visited by the spirit of death, some mildly scary monsters and a sad scene in which Santa talks about his mortality fading and that he wants decorating Christmas trees to be a kind of memorial to him. Fantasy violence includes a battle with magical powers to defeat the monsters once and for all. The ending is happy and safe, but be prepared to offer reassurance and answer questions about death and immortality.”

Who is going to do that for me?

The translated title for this movie is Look at Me. It’s a Mexican horror film — yes, you will need to read some subtitles — that just debuted on Tubi.

Lalo (Axel Alpuche) is having issues with the death of his father. His mother has already packed away all of his dad’s possessions and shipped him off to Mexico to live with his grandmother Elena (Leticia Huijara). The only thing he has left of his father is his wristwatch and he has to adjust to a new school where he becomes the bullied outsider.

If only the real world was all he had to deal with, as Lalo finds that the watch is showing time backward and he also begins to see the ghost of a young girl everywhere he goes. He starts to worry that she wants to take him into the realm of the dead but he feels like he can’t escape her.

While he gains a friend named Rana (Regina Reynoso), he worries about telling her what he’s seeing. When he learns that a girl from their school has also gone missing, he starts to search for her, which brings him closer to not only solving the mystery but potentially being the next victim.

Lake Xochimilco, which was once part of five lakes that were drained to prevent flooding, features into this story. Today, it is mainly used as part of large urban parks in Mexico City, with beautifully decorated rafts called trajineras carrying people through the canals. It presents an otherworldly look that is so different from movies made in the U.S.  Xochimilco is also home to La Llorona and Isla de las Muñecas, an island made from thousands of broken dolls, created by Don Julián Santana Barrera, who found a drowned girl there and for fifty years, he would pay respect to her ghost by decorating the island.

Mirame is directed by Pavel Cantu, who started his career as a storyboard artist, and who wrote this with Veronica Angeles Franco and Ernesto Murguía. It has a great look but I wish that it went deeper into the legends of the area instead of just using them for scenery. That said, for an early effort — he has mainly done recreations for documentaries like TV documentaries and a short — this feels quite confident. I’d love to see what happens next for him.

This movie begins with the words, “Facing the unknown can be terrifying, but you cannot live it any other way.” This could speak to the occult or it could also be about dealing with loss. It seems like we can’t live through the loss of people and while we are changed, we must go through it in order to grow. We have no other choice.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Ethan (Ethan Randall who would grow up to be Ethan Embry) and Hallie O’Fallon (Thora Birch) want their parents Catherine (Harley Jane Kozak) and Michael (Jamey Sheridan) to get back together. Ethan has a plan, Hallie has Santa Claus (Leslie Nielsen). To keep mom from marrying Tony Boer (Kevin Nealon), it will take mice, an ice cream truck and help from Stephanie (Amy Oberer).

With appearances by Lauren Bacall and Andrea Martin, this was directed by Robert Lieberman (Fire In the Sky) and written by Thom Eberhardt (Sole Survivor, Night of the Comet and the original director for this movie) and Richard Kramer, who has mostly worked in TV.

This feels like The Parent Trap. Maybe the parents aren’t right for each other, you know?

Roger Ebert really disliked this movie, saying “All I want for Christmas is to never see All I Want for Christmas again. Here is a calculating holiday fable that is phony to its very bones — artificial, contrived, illogical, manipulative and stupid. It’s one of those movies that insults your intelligence by assuming you have no memory, no common sense and no knowledge of how people behave when they are not in the grip of an idiotic screenplay.”

Leslie Neilsen was Santa in more movies than I knew. In addition to this movie, he was Santa in Chilly Beach and Santa Who?