Peter Hewitt directed Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, Garfield and Thunderbirds, so who knows what he got into when he made this, the fifth Home Alone movie, made for the Disney Channel. It’s written by Aaron Ginsburg and Wade McIntyre and doesn’t have the McCallister family but instead a new kid named Finn Baxter (Christian Martyn) who plays video games all the time.

The bad guys are three thieves, Sinclair (Malcolm McDowell), Jessica (Debi Mazar) and Hughes (Eddie Steeples). I remember when I was young and I believed that McDowell was someone who brought prestiege to a movie. Now I realize that much like the man whose role he assumed for Rob Zombie, McDowell is the Donald Pleasence of today. I mean, he’s not Eric Roberts, but very close.

This was going to be called Home Alone: Alone in the Dark which sounds way too dark, right? It also references to all the other films even though its character is in no way connected to them, so it makes you wonder why you’re watching this movie instead of those movies, which is not how a sequel should leave you feeling.

One day in the woods, Moni (Ivana Baquero, Pan’s Labyrinth), Koldo, Peti, Eugenio and Tito discover that a woman in a Santa suit has fallen into a pit. That woman is bank robber Rebeca Expósito (Maru Valdivielso) who they decide to keep as their secret. They decide to start feeding her and trying to get her to tell them where the millions she store are, but soon, she’s escaped and she has an axe.

Luckily, they have the training they’ve picked up from a childhood of watching horror movies on VHS, like the film within this film Zombie Invasion which looks a lot like The Gates of Hell. It also has Elsa Pataky from Beyond Reanimator and Fast and the Furious. Oh yes! She’s also in Argento’s Giallo.

As the Santa with an axe chases the kids, only what they have learned from those films — and The Karate Kid — can save them. Maybe. Maybe not.  This has a dark ending with a little bit of hope, as at least one of the kids gave her actual food and not just junk. Also, she didn’t shove something into her eye like she was some kind of Fulci-obsessed lunatic.

Películas para no dormir means 6 Films to Keep You Awake. They include Blame by Narciso Ibáñez Serrador (Who Can Kill a Child, The House That Screamed), Spectre by Mateo Gil, A Real Friend by Enrique Urbizu, The Baby’s Room by Alex de la Iglesia (El Dia de la Bestia) and To Let by Jaume Balagueró (Rec). This story was Paco Plaza (who also directed Rec) and written by Luiso Berdejo (Quarantine).

This is a great watch and I loved the other ones I’ve seen, so I need to hunt them all down.

This really could have been made in 1979 or earlier and I’d say, “Yes, I can see that.”

Lee Benton plays The Girl — oh man, she’s Donna from the absolutely deranged female softball players vs. redneck maniacs movie Blood Games under her other name Shelley Abblett — who is looking for a record store and finds Scrooge, who is played by Jack Elam. She has a crystal ball that allows them to watch music videos from bands like Three Dog Night, Merilee Rush, Paul Revere and the Raiders, The Association, Bobby Goldsboro, the much hated Mike Love, Dean from Jan and Dean and a singer named Bridget that everyone talks about like she’s about to be the next big thing.

Who is this Bridget?

Lou Tedesco was an old school TV guy and directed this, while it was written by producer Rex Sparger. I have no idea how this was made, because back to 1984, you had MTV, whose top videos were “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince, “Jump” by Van Halen, “Eyes Without a Face” by Billy Idol and “Round and Round” by Ratt. This seems like something from a completely different era.

Jack Elam is pretty good in it, however.

Someone tell me who Bridget is.

Bridget, are you out there?

You can watch this on Tubi.

As much as I dislike every Home Alone movie, this one…this is the darkest timelime. Kevin McCallister (now played by Mike Weinberg) is now a child of divorce and his mom Kate (Clare Carey taking over for Catherine O’Hara) crying while she watches It’s A Wonderful Life and his father Peter (Jason Beghe from Monkey Shines taking the role from John Heard) getting married to the rich and gorgeous Natalie Kalban (Joana Going). Gideon Jacobs and Chelsea Russo are Buzz and Megan, who don’t really figure into this.

I mean, I can see why they got divorced, after leaving Kevin at home twice they had to have Child Services called on them and had to deal with all sorts of issues. Now dad has two servants — Mr. Prescott (Erick Avari) and Molly (Barbara Babcock) — and a hot lady and why would he ever go back?

Filmed in Cape Town, South Africa — not the most wintery of locations — this movie couldn’t even get Daniel Stern to play Marv. He called the movie “an insult” and “total garbage.” They had to get French Stewart for the role, yet he dresses like Harry, which is somewhat confusing but maybe the filmmakers never watched the first movie. Anyways, Marv has a girl named Vera, played by Missi Pyle. And you knew it, Kevin has to fight them off again inside the mansion.

Directed by Rod Daniel (Teen Wolf) and written by Debra Frank and Steve L. Hayes, this was supposed to become a series. That’s why the original ending that had Kevin’s dad staying with Natalie and his mother dating a police officer who turned out to be Marv’s younger brother was changed. The parents had to stay together if they were making a show, I guess.

On December 20, 2003, NBC ruined many Christmas holidays by fostering this mess of a movie — directed by Nick Marck and written by National Lampoon publisher Matty Simmons, who at one time was the Executive Vice President of Diners Club. He is not John Hughes, Doug Kenney, Henry Beard or Michael O’Donoghue, as this film will show. I don’t know — maybe I just hated this movie so much that I am minimizing his contribution. Maybe he was a good writer. This movie doesn’t prove that.

Look, we all love Cousin Eddie. Do we love him enough to watch him as the main character for an entire movie, along with his family, which includes Catherine (Miriam Flynn), Clark the third (Jake Thomas), Audrey Griswold (Dana Barron, the first time someone has played a Griswold kid more than once) and Uncle Nick (Ed Asner). They even got Eric Idle to show up for a bit, bringing back his character from National Lampoon’s European Vacation.

Eddie gets fired by Fred Willard because he’s dumber than a chimpanzee, who then bites him and earns his family a settlement that turns into a Hawaiian vacation guided by Muka Luka Miki, who seems Hawaiian but is not, but neither is South Korean actress Sung Hi Lee.

It’s a rough watch and one that makes you wonder whether this needed to be made. Eddie is the steak sauce on the prime rib that are two of the three Vacation movies, but a steak covered in A1 tastes horrible. Follow that rule and avoid this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I am so sorry. This was on the site on December 15, 2017.

In 1978, we had no idea when we’d see a new Star Wars. We didn’t have them every single year, like we’re all celebrating right now. No, we had our comics and toys, but no other new media. So it was with great excitement that my three-year-old brother and my six-year-old self gathered in front of the TV on November 17, 1978 to get a whole new adventure.

It’s Life Day — the Christmas of the Star Wars universe. Chewbacca just wants to get home, but the Empire is on his tail.

Meanwhile, on his home planet of Kashyyk, Chewie’s family hopes for him to be there. His wife, Mallatobuck, scans for starships and calls Luke Skywalker and R2D2. Yes, everyone from Star Wars is in this, even noted crank Harrison Ford.

She also gets in touch with Saun Dann (Art Carney from The Honeymooners? Yes. Don’t freak out just yet.) and tells him to look for Chewbacca and Han. Meanwhile, Chef Gormaanda (Harvey Korman from The Carol Burnett Show) teaches her how to cook via a hologram.

Saun brings Life Day gifts for everyone, including virtual reality porn featuring Diahann Carroll as an alien for Attichitcuk, Chewbecca’s dad. This sequence will bend your mind and make you humble. Keep the Force strong and your fast forward button handy, as the song in this scene, “This Minute Now” invites the wookiee to have a fantasy and experience the alien woman.

Let me reiterate what just happened: kids tuned in for Star Wars and got to see Chewbacca’s dad polish Vader’s helmet. He was shooting womprats in Beggar’s Canyon. Releasing the Special Edition. Dare I say, jumping to de-light speed. Communicating with Red Leader One. You know what I’m saying. And I think you do.

Han and Chewie land on the planet, but the Imperial army is looking for them. They get distracted by food and Jefferson Starship singing a song called “Light the Sky on Fire” — again, yes, I am not shitting you — while Chewbacca’s son Lumpawarrump goes to watch a cartoon.

Ths cartoon — produced by Canada’s Nelvana — is the best part of the show. This is the first appearance of Boba Fett, who acts as if he is a hero. It’s short and sweet, with stylized artwork and plenty of action. It’s the best part of the show, which isn’t much of a feat. It’s said that the animation was based on the artwork of Jean “Mœbius” Geraud at the request of George Lucas. Mœbius was part of the crew that Alejandro Jodorowsky had assembled to create his version of Dune, along with Dan O’Bannon, who helped create the effects for Star Wars. Interestingly, many believe that Lucas stole Jabba the Hutt’s design from Jodorowksy’s idea of what Baron Harkonnen should look like.

Harvey Korman shows up again, then the Empire shuts down the planet Tatooine. We return to one of the best parts of Star Wars, the Mos Eisley Cantina, where we meet the owner, Ackmena (Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls. Yep. Bea Arthur.) and Harvey Korman shows up again! And Richard Pryor is there, too!

Then, in defiance of the Empire’s curfew, Ackmena sings “Good Night, but not Goodbye” with Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes, the cantina band. If you can make it through this part of the special, you must have a high midichlorian count. Of note, Greedo is in the bar showing no ill effects of being shot at first, as well as one of the rats from The Food of the Gods.

Chewbacca’s son runs from the Imperial troopers but is saved by his father and Han. Then, everyone goes to the festival at the Tree of Life. Everyone appears and a song about Life Day, which somehow has the same theme as the Star Wars theme, is sung by Princess Leia (Fisher demanded that she be allowed to sing in this special). We sit through b-roll of the original film and then see the wookiees eat dinner.

This has never been broadcast again or sold, as George Lucas sees it as a major source of embarrassment. Then again, he created the prequels, too.

If you’re wondering why the wookiees speak only in their native language and it’s never translated, thank Lucas. He fought for this against the wishes of writer Bruce Vilanch. Yes, that Bruce Vilanch. This means that for minutes at a time, all you hear are yells and grunts instead of English.

But this wasn’t the last Star Wars Christmas project. In 1980, Meco Monardo, who recorded the amazing combination of disco and science fiction entitled Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk, created Christmas in the Stars, an album that found C-3PO and R2-D2 travel to a droid factory that makes toys for S. Claus. It’s also the first audio appearance of Jon Bon Jovi, singing on the song “R2-D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

If you truly love Star Wars and the holidays, you have so many other ways to spend your time. Don’t give in to the forbidden fruit that is the Star Wars Holiday Special. My brother and I had no idea of the horrifying monstrosity we’d face back in 1978. Imagine the feeling Grand Moff Tarkin had watching the Death Star explode, except our pain went on for two hours. Two hours is a long time when you’re three and six.

It hasn’t gotten any better with age. In fact, it’s all curdled with time, like a glass of Thala-Siren milk that’s been left out overnight.

This Jean Shepherd story isn’t about a holiday but is about summer vacations. But first, work. Ralphie (Jerry O’Connell), Flick (Cameron Johann) and Schwartz (Ross Eldridge) are working a horrific first career at Scott’s Used Furniture Palace — run by a character played by Shepherd — while dreaming of having a few days off. Before that, the family dog Fuzzhead (Shepherd’s real life dog Daphne) goes missing and ends up living in a mansion.

The trip to get to the trailer park of the title is described in the words of Shepherd as a journey “beset on all sides by strange creatures, the lost mariner searches and searches, in the Sargasso sea of life.”

James Sikking, who plays The Old Man, is also in The Night God Screamed, which is pretty awesome casting. Mom is played by Dorothy Lyman, who depending on when you watched TV was a pretty big deal. For those who watched soaps in the afternoon, she was on a ton of soap operas, including A World Apart, The Edge of Night, as Gwen Parrish Frame on Another World, Rebecca Whitmore on Generations, Bonnie Roberts on The Bold and the Beautiful and most importantly, she was Opal Sue Gardner on All My Children. If you watched TV at night, you knew her as Naomi, the daughter-in-law on Mama’s Family.

Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss was co-producted by Disney, public TV’s American Playhouse and Boston public TV station WGBH. While funded by Disney, they had nothing to do with production. After airing on their channel, it moved to public television.

This was the last film Shepherd made for television. He wanted to turn his stories into a series, but by 1988, he was making from the reruns and home video sales from A Christmas Story and decided to make another movie. That would be 1994’s It Runs in the Family: My Summer Story or as it is better remembered today, A Summer Story.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Originally airing on February 11, 1985 on PBS’ American Playhouse, the fourth feature film of the Parker family starts in a movie theater as an older Ralphie (Jean Shepherd, who wrote these stories) relates that seeing a movie by a Polish director reminds him of Josephine Cosnowski (Katherine Kamhi), the neighbor who became his first serious love.

Barbara Bolton and Jay Ine return as mom and Randy, but young Ralphie is Pete Kowanko and The Old Man is played by George Coe, a castmember of season one of SNL. Sadly, James Broderick, who played the role in The Phantom of the Open Hearth and The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters died of thyroid cancer in 1982.

The Old Man always said, “There has to be a God if there’s beer. All that goodness just ain’t accidental.”

This made me think about my father, lost a week or so before Thanksgiving, and as Ralphie takes his little dog up the steps and he remembers, his old self weary through time, that there was no better holiday than before being an adult and when Thanksgiving really meant something, that it was something to look forward to and now, all of life is just appointments and time moves so fast as we march to our destiny. It made my eyes burn I cried so hard, my very own little dog next to me with no idea just how much I missed being a kid and knowing my father was one door away.

Directed by Richard Barlett and written by Jean Shepherd, who also wrote the original stories that these were based on. You will probably know A Christmas Story, but Ralphie Parker had several adventures before and after that film.

James Broderick returns as The Old Man, Barbara Bolton is back as mom and Shepherd again plays the older Ralphie, who starts the story visiting South of the Border and buying fireworks. In the actual movie, he’s played by Matt Dillon and Jay Ine is Randy.

Ralphie is high school aged here and excited to meet his friend’s attractive cousin named Pamela, a date he eventually botches. That said, the main part of the story is all about his father’s obsession with fireworks and his mother’s chain letter that keeps wash rags coming to their house.

If A Christmas Story has its holiday, so does this. The only downer is the repeated reference to fireworks as dago bombs, but I guess it was the 1940s and that’s how people referred to Italians. It was how my grandmother did until her death a year or so ago, despite my dad being, yes, Italian.

You can watch this on YouTube.