April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Also known as Arrriva Dorellik, this stars Johnny Dorelli as Dorellik, a character that he played on the television show Johnny Sera that is obviously inspired by Diabolik. His Eva Kant is Baby Eva, played by Margaret Lee, who was a big Eurospy star, appearing in Our Agent Tiger, Agent 077: From the Orient with Fury, Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die, Dick Smart 2007, Secret Agent Super Dragon and OSS 117 – Double Agent. She also somehow made it through 12 movies alongside Klaus Kinski, as the pairing of the two was quite popular.

This movie actually came out before Danger:Diabolik and the producer of the movie, Dino De Laurentiis, sued the makers of this film and made them change the title (which means Here Comes Dorellik) to How to Kill 400 Duponts. What’s funny is that this film’s Inspector Ginko, known as Police Commissioner Green, is played by Terry-Thomas, who ended up being in the De Laurentiis-produced movie.

As for the story, Dorellik must kill everyone with the last name Dupont if he wants to inherit a large fortune. It’s all rather silly instead of a true Eurospy movie, but the ending, where Dorellik and Green switch faces to their surprise is pretty funny.

Director Steno was a brand name for Italian comedies for years. The script was written by Franco Castellano and Giuseppe Moccia, who wrote fifty movies together and directed twenty.

April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Directed by Michael Cort, who wrote it with Alistair McKenzie and Christopher Neame, The Love Factor is also known as Zeta One. It’s about secret agent James Word (Robin Hawdon) telling his boss W’s Ann (Yutte Stensgaard, Some Girls Do) about his latest adventure just as we also meet Zeta (Dawn Addams, The Vault of Horror) and her cadre of alien women from the planet Angvia — get it, it’s an anagram for vagina — who are trying to find new girls for their planet while also fighting off Major Bourden (James Robertson Justice) and his henchman Swyne (Charles Hawtrey).

Zeta has a formidable force of extraordinary magnitude, including Brigitte Skay (Isabella Duchess of the Devils), Anna Gael (Nana), Wendy Lingham, Valerie Leon (Queen Kong), Kirsten Betts (Twins of Evil) and Carol Hawkins (The Body Stealers).

Released in America by Film Ventures International four years after it played England as Zeta One, it was first shown as The Love Slaves and the next year was renamed The Love Factor. It was produced by Tigon and Vernon Sewell directed some of the scenes.

This is like Bond, Barbarella and pop art mixed with pasties, go go boots and the kind of humor that has the secret agent show up late and just want to make love to the many, many aliens he’s battling. It doesn’t make much sense, but who cares? It starts with a thirty-minute strip poker scene that really goes nowhere as well, but when you’re having fun, who is looking at the run time?

April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Instead of having that who is your favorite Bond discussion, we should all talk about who our favorite remix remake ripoff Bond is or which movie is best. Man, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is a pretty good one, even if it has some of the most laddish louts I’ve seen in one of these.

Based on Kommisar X, a popular series of crime novels from Germany, Kommissar X is a private detective and FBI Special Agent named Joe Walker, who is played by Tony Kendall. He’s paired with New York City police captain Tom Rowland is played by Brad Harris).

This is just the first of seven movies in this series of films. In 1966 alone, this movie, Kommissar X – Drei gelbe Katzen (Three Yellow Cats AKA Death is Nimble, Death is Quick) and Kommissar X – In den Klauen des goldenen Drachen (So Darling, So Deadly) all were released, followed by Kommissar X – Drei grüne Hunde (Death Trip AKA Kill Me Gently) in 1967, Kommissar X – Drei blaue Panther (Three Blue Panthers AKA Kill Panther Kill) a year later, Kommissar X – Drei goldene Schlangen (Three Golden Serpents AKA Island of Lost Girls) in 1969 and finally, 1971’s Kommissar X jagt die roten Tiger (FBI: Operation Pakistan AKA Tiger Gang).

The two men meet and come together to figure out why a scientist named Bob Carroll was killed. It. turns out that a rich villain named Oberon (Nikola Popović) who was stealing gold from his partners by irradiating it and having Carroll fix that at the cost of his own life when he became sick.

With a theme song called “I Love You Joe Walker,” you know that he’s going to be one of those spies that swing.

I kind of wonder how every Eurospy villain has an army made up of women with go go boots. And somehow, Joe Walker can turn any of them to his side with just a kiss. One can only imagine if he can do that vertically, what he does when things get horizontal.

Director Gianfranco Parolini went from peplum to westerns to Eurospy with ease, making three of the movies in this series, as well as The Three Fantastic Supermen, If You Meet Sartana…Pray for Your Death, the three Sabata movies, God’s Gun and the fantastic Yeti Giant of the 20th Century. He wrote the script along with Giovanni Simonelli (Jungle Raiders, The Crimes of the Black Cat, The Face With Two Left Feet, A Cat In the Brain), based on the books by Paul Alfred Müller AKA Bert F. Island.

This movie is a total blast, made in the time when ironic and cynical films did not seem to exist.

April 15: King Yourself! — Pick a movie released by Crown International Pictures. Here’s a list!

The song in this movie, “Chevy Van” by Sammy Johns*, is a lie, because the protagonist of The Van, Bobby (Stuart Goetz), drives a 1976 Dodge B200 Tradesman customized by George Barris.

As for me, I grew up with two Ford Custom vans, one a basic panel van that I used to be a landscaper and the other a fully customized one with tables and chairs and shag carpeting. Yeah! 9 miles to the gallon!

Crown International Pictures took what worked for American-International Pictures and their beach party movies and added sex and drugs. This movie comes from the days before AIDS, before women truly being characters with agency in movies (well, not all the time) and even before Porky’s.

What it does have is Danny DeVito as Bobby’s friend Andy. And such well-known vans that two of the automobiles from this movie, Straight Arrow and Van Killer, were released as toy cars.

Bobby wants Sally (Connie Hoffman) but she’s already dating tough guy Dugan (Steve Oliver). So he tries to get with Tina (Deborah White), who is way too good for him, before racing Dugan and rolling his van. He survives and moves on vanless.

Director Sam Grossman only directed this film. Writer Robert J. Rosenthal also wrote The Pom Pom Girls, Malibu Beach and Zapped! while Celia Susan Cotelo was also a writer on Malibu Beach.

If you liked this, I can also recommend Van Nuys Blvd. and, of course, Supervan.

*Nine other songs by the artist are in this: “Early Morning Love,” “Jenny,” “Rag Doll,” “Hang My Head and Moan, “Country Lady,” “You’re So Sweet,” “Peas in a Pod,” “Bless My Soul” and “Hey, Mr. Dreamer.”

April 15: King Yourself! — Pick a movie released by Crown International Pictures. Here’s a list!

CIA killing machine Cross (Burt Lancaster) is retiring, but not before he trains his replacement, Jean Laurier (Alain Delon), alias Scorpio, to replace him. The CIA wants Scorpio to kill Cross for suspected treason and working with the enemy, but Cross pays him off and takes him back to America.

Cross’ Soviet counterpart Sergei Zharkov (Paul Scofield) helps him to get away from a trap and into Vienna, but Cross wants to rescue his wife Sarah *Joanne Linville) too. Unfortunately, the CIA gets to her first, which means that he decides to get revenge on the man who ordered the hit, McLeod (John Colicos). That makes the CIA throw even more money at Cross to pull off the job on his teacher.

It turns out that Cross has really been making money by playing every side against one another and even has Scorpio’s girlfriend on the payroll. The young agent kills her with no remorse and tracks down Cross, who tells him that he needs to always watch his back, because after he’s killed, they’ll be looking to clear up any loose ends. Spoiler warning. He’s right.

Scorpio was written by David W. Rintels and produced by Walter Mirisch, at least until director Michael Winner wanted to change the script and United Artists picked him over Rintels and Mirisch. What ended up on screen is a lot like another Winter movie, The Mechanic.

Even though the CIA are the bad guys in this movie, Winner was permitted to shoot in their headquarters in Langley, Virginia. It was the first movie ever shot there, even after Winter showed them the script. Even odder, Cross’ home is really CIA Director Richard Helms’s house. Perhaps they were allowed to do so because Lancaster asked Senator John V. Tunney if he could get them into the building.

You can watch this on Tubi.

April 15: King Yourself! — Pick a movie released by Crown International Pictures. Here’s a list!

Their orders: LOVE your enemy…then KILL HIM!

Major Stony Stonewall (John Ericson) has been given a mission: kill off a group of Japanese officers while they’re in a brothel in the Philippines. That means it’s time for a dirty one-third dozen: a sex worker on the run from organized crime by the name of Cindy Lee Dawson (Crystin Sinclaire, Crazy Alice from Caged Heat and Libby from Eaten Alive), the sexually overcharged killing machine known as Rose Carson (Nory Wright, Cover Girl Models), a Scandinavian nurse named Anna Oleson (Johanna Raunio) with a death sentence thanks to a terminal illness and Sonya (Liza Lorena), who was assaulted by Japanese troops after they murdered her entire extended family. 

They’re aided by Lieutenant West (Karen Ericson, wife of the hero in actual life) and a rebel leader named Paco (Ramon Ravilla). Seeing as how this as made in the Philippines, this has Vic Diaz in it, of course, but my favorite character is the Japanese admiral who is nothing like the animals that the propaganda has led the girls to believe that he may be.

Set in the 40s but feeling like it’s the 70s — outside of the big band music that plays during the training — this movie promises sleaze and only has women talking about how much they want sex and not getting it. Director Cesar Gallardo also made Bamboo Gods and Iron Men and somehow in this film, he figured out a way to make attractive women turned into killers boring.

April 14: Tiger Style — Grab a Shaw Brothers film and write about how great it is.

At once a Shaw Brothers film, a Eurospy action movie and kind of like the Hong Kong Danger Diabolik, Temptress of a Thousand Faces is why I watch movies.

Officer Chi-ying (Tina Chin-Fei) is trying to hunt down the Temptress, who she publically dares to come after her. The Temptress agrees to this by stealing her identity, flirting with an entire club full of men and cleaning out a jewelry store while wearing Chi-ying’s face. Our heroine’s name gets cleared by her photographer boyfriend Inspector Yu (Liang Chen), who ends up being the one in peril when dealing with the titular villainess and her army of henchwomen.

Yes, the Temptress really does have a thousand masks, maybe even more, as well as an unlimited supplies of knockout gas and scantily clad women ready to answer her every command. This is a movie that at once has a strong female heroine and antagonist, but also one that has fan service aplenty, like the Temptress appearing being bathed by her handmaidens and Chi-ying fighting barefoot in a near see-through gown, but the men around them are such morons that they can’t help but shine, no matter how much of the male gaze gets thrown their way.

There’s a bomb that gets deactivated with seven seconds left — just like Goldfinger — as well as a volcano base — just like You Only Live Twice — and even the Bond theme playing just because, well, this movie is a riot and unafraid where it’s taking stuff from. That’s how good it is.

It all ends with Chi-ying battling the Temptress after she wears the face of our heroine and makes love to her man while she’s forced to watch. A twin adversary kung fu spectacle, topped only with our heroine and her reclaimed man shooting near thousands of bullets and wiping out an entire base full of dedicated domina female supertroopers.

I may not have any power over Arrow, but I know another Shawscope box set has to be coming. I dream that this and Infra-Man end up on it, movies that show that the Shaw Brothers made more than just their typically amazing kung fu movies.

You can watch this on YouTube.

April 14: Tiger Style — Grab a Shaw Brothers film and write about how great it is.

Cheng Jung (Derek Yee) and Wong Lai Fen (Leanne Liu) work at the same police station and start dating. One evening, as they camp on an island, she hears a strange noise and investigates, only to discover a strange green light. Somehow, she knows the island despite never being there and the light eventually knocks her out. When she wakes up, she attacks the kids near their camp with a fork and tries to drown one of them.

Yes, things aren’t normal.

May goes back to being a cop and is placed on a serial killer case by Inspector Wong (Hua Yueh). Somehow, May is able to not only catch the criminal, but shoot him with a bullet that reverse course after being fired, which leads reporter Koo (Ken Tong) to think she’s a superhero. Her new reckless attitude gets her taken off the case, but the two cops that replace her end up falling down an empty elevator shaft.

Everyone that ever was in May’s way must now pay. Like the horney superior who she takes disco dancing and then castrates with a crab. Yes, a crab. Or the holy man whose bird is destroyed and whose face is covered with boils before he’s launched down the strairs. Even an attempt at exorcizing May ends up with her drinking vomit from a toilet and sending a knife into the throat of her aunt.

The spirit that is inside her? Well, she died as a child after being sold to another serial killer, who smothered her with a pillow and then tore her insides out, at which point another completely different guy sold her dead body as goat meat.

Director Yang Chuan also made Hou wang da zhan tian bing tian jiang. If you haven’t seen that, well, get ready. This movie — like that one — is packed with bloody murder, insects, worms, slugs, neon lights and fog, death by toilet paper, nurses killed in showers, ghosts riding people in photographs…it packs in so much that by the end, you’ll be exhausted in the best of ways.

April 14: Tiger Style — Grab a Shaw Brothers film and write about how great it is.

Tu Chang (Peter Chen Ho) has a problem.

His boss Yeh Kuang Lung (Liu Kei) thinks so much of him that he’s prepared to give him the ultimate compliment by awarding him his beloved daughter Jenny (Betty Ting Pei, she whose apartment is where Bruce Lee scandalously died within) in marriage.

The problem?

Tu Chang has already made company typist Lan Fen (Pat Ting Hung) pregnant.

Even worse, she promises to tell the boss unless he does the right thing.

That means killing Lan Fen and going all Poe on her, walling her dead body into an abandoned house.

Yet this is a Shaw Brothers movie and the dead never stay quiet in their stories.

Unlike many of their movies, this was directed by a Japanese filmmaker, Shima Koji, and is a remake of his movie Kaidan otoshiana. It’s a bit slow, but it looks gorgeous and man, that poster, right?

April 13: Kayfabe Cinema — A movie with a pro wrestler in it.

Billy Drago spent four hours or more getting into makeup every day for this movie but man, Drago was an intimdating guy even without the latex. Here, he’s Adrian Dunn, the former partner of Cameron Grayson (Roddy Piper). He killed Cameron’s wife and was sent to a jail on the moon, because this movie takes place in 2009 and director Peter Svatek and writer Mark Sevi (Scanner Cop II, Class of 1999 II: The Substitute, Dream a Little Dream 2) thought that man would be living there within 13 years. Well, right now it’s 2023 and I am not writing this from the moon.

But man, this movie goes past expectations by starting with Drago fighting another convict with buzz saws, killing that criminal and then ripping some alien virus out of his face and putting it into a hole he’s cut into his arm. He dies, but really he becomes monstrous and is sent back to Earth as a corpse that wakes up and instantly assaults and infects a woman.

Now, every woman that Dunn sees looks like Cameron’s dead wife and he keeps knocking them up with alien virus creatures. Luckily, Dr. Kirbie Younger (Jayne Heltmeyer) is around to help figure out how to stop the virus. She also looks just like — you know it — Cameron’s dead wife.

This is a perfectly fine straight to video science fiction movie that makes good use of Piper. I can always watch more movies with Drago as the bad guy, too.

You can watch this on Tubi.