“In the Year 2022 we made contact . . . too bad.” — When copywriters know it’s all crap and just give up
So, what do you get when you cross Ridley Scott’s Alien with Robert Aldrich’s 1967 war classic The Dirty Dozen? Oh, and what the hell, a little pinch from Escape from New York can’t hurt. Oh, and let’s pinch Hal (and fem and porn ’em up a bit) from 2001: A Space Odysseywhile we are at it. And since we can’t afford to pay twelve actors, we’ll get a dirty quartet. And the budget can swing a Lando Calrissian for a bargain and a song.
Saddle up, boys! Let’s make a movie! Yee-haw!
VHS image courtesy of ronniejamesdiode/eBayand trailer courtesy of You Tube. . . if it’s not deleted by now.
Commander Skyler (a sadly slumming Billy Dee Williams) offers four convicts (lead by the deserves-better-than-this Maxwell Caulfield) doing life at Earth’s New Alcatraz Maximum Security Prison the chance to have their sentences commuted for a “routine space salvage” mission. Of course, it’s all on a “need to know,” natch, and what they don’t know is that Captain Dorman (Jeff Conway, really hitting rock bottom) of the U.S.S. Holly became addicted to a virtual reality program run by the ship’s computer and he killed everyone on board.
Oh, and, in the grand tradition of Space Mutiny (yes, this movie also has a wealth of “rail kills”), Jeff’s space freighter interiors’ shoot-out was shot in the back of a wholesale warehouse (when you see the concrete floors and floor-to-ceiling metal shelves, you’ll see what we mean). Eh, why not. Let’s shoot inside a factory, too, since all of those pipes and valves look like the ship’s “engineering section.” Yeah, just tack up those corrugated metal sheets over there . . . and wire up some tube lights over there . . . hot glue some scrap metal and nobby-thingys over there. . . . Dude, where’s all of those leftover sets from Roger Corman’s Battle Beyond the Starswhen you need ’em? I mean, what the hell, Rog? You lent them out to Fred Olen Ray to make Star Slammer in 1994. (Oh, guess what . . . Alien Intruder was, in fact, shot inside an old Oscar Mayer meat processing plant in Los Angeles. So, there you go!)
My space ship has a first name . . .
Anyhoo, Commander Skyler, his four convicts, and their “Mother,” aka, a Postironic “Model 4” Android, hop on board the U.S.S. Presley and head off into deep space for the “dreaded G-Sector” . . . and, what the hell? We’re in the Wild, Wild West, then a reenactment of Casablanca, and then an old ’50s biker flick? Huh? Maxwell Caulfield is running in a pair of Speedos, riding a surf board, and taking soft-porn showers with a beach bunny? And why is ex-model-turned-actress Tracy Scoggins in all of these scenes, smoking? (Oh, and if the western scenes look familiar, that’s because it’s the same sets from CBS-TV’s Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman on the Paramount Ranch back lot.)
Oh, I get it . . . to help the crew cope with the stress of long space flights, they bed down in virtual reality simulators to live out their fantasies. Of course, the computer’s VR-self is Ariel, a seductress in the form of . . . yep, Tracy Scoggins (of the ABC-TV prime time soaps Dynasty and The Colbys; Captain Elizabeth Lochley during the final season of Babylon 5 in 1998). And, before you know it, the crew is at each other’s throats for her skin-tight, red-dressed affections. Oh, I get it . . . Ariel is actually an “alien organism-cum-virus” that exists in the “dreaded G-Sector” and reprograms any invading ship’s computer to kill everyone on board.
We think.
What the frack is this feldergarb? No, we can’t blame this on Battlestar Galactica or Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (both which actually look better than this space romp, if you can believe that). No, we’re blaming this on Star Trek: The Next Generation, courtesy of that show’s Holodeck tomfoolery. But, you know what? As bad as it all is, Alien Intruder has a Space Mutiny-like fan base (and if you’ve seen that space ditty, you know what we mean); it’s fun to watch because the actors, while down on their luck, are giving it their everything. One fan, who runs the You Tube page bmoviereviews, went as far as to isolate several choice action sequences and dialog vignettes:
And it’s all courtesy of PM Entertainment, who brought us Anna Nicole Smith in all of her action hero bad-assness in Skyscraper (1996). If you need a heavy fix of movies starring Wings Hauser, Erik Estrada, Dan Haggerty, Traci Lords, Lorenzo Lamas, Sam Jones, and even more films starring Maxwell Caulfield, as well as William Forsythe, Micheal Ironside, and Jeff Fahey — basically all of the actors we love here at B&S About Movies — then look no further than the defunct PM Entertainment imprint (1989 – 2002). You can read up on the studio at their extensive Wikipage.
Now, if those clips and the trailer don’t do it for ya, you can free-stream Alien Intruder in its entirety on You Tube. And when you have a chance to see an alien Tracy Scoggins take a bubble bath, how can you not?
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Editor’s Desk: As result of their production synergies, we’ll also discuss the Star Wars-cum-Alien resume of Gold Key Entertainment’s nine direct-to-video/cable-telefilms, which includes the 1981-version of Lifepod.
“It’s a homage, not a remake.” — Tony Award-winning actor Ron Silver about his film directing debut
If you’re familiar with the classic, 1944 Hitchcock source material, you know that Lifeboat* was a World War II-set psychological thriller about a group of shipwrecked survivors adrift in a lifeboat — and they have to depend on a surviving Nazi officer to sail them to rescue.
This Fox Television sci-fi version — which aired simultaneously as a commercial-free Cinemax cable exclusive, was produced by Trilogy Entertainment, the studio that also produced Ron Howard’s firefighter drama Backdraft and Kevin Costner’s big screen Robin Hood romp — is written by Jay Roach, whose expansive resume has given us everything from the ’80s Animal House-inspired radio romp Zoo Radio to the Oscar-beloved Bombshell.
We’re so sorry, Uncle Albert.
This time out, our group of survivors (a great cast of Silver, Robert Loggia, C.C.H. Pounder, and Adam Storke, who you’ll recall as Larry Underwood in the ’94 TV adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand) are lost somewhere between Venus and Earth on Christmas Eve in the year 2169 on a shuttle craft jettisoned from an exploded spacecruiser. And they spend the rest of the film — in plotting that reminds of John Carpenter’s The Thing remake — bickering over who is alien-infected set the bomb that destroyed their ship and has already murdered one of the survivors.
So, do the Star Wars-inspired bells and whistles satiate the younger Starlog magazine subscriber-set in digesting Hitchcock? Well, courtesy of the remake homage’s financial and creative backing by Trilogy and Fox, the production values are high and the acting is top notch . . . but didn’t we see this film already? Wasn’t this fodder for an old ’80s Battlestar Galactica or Buck Rogers in the 25th Century episode? Weren’t Starbuck and Cassiopeia or Buck and Wilma lost on a lifepod with a gaggle of ne’er do wells before their series cancellations?
Me and Kristin DeBell stuck in a space pod? Sounds like heaven.
No . . . wait a minute . . . now I remember!
The “Glen Larson” Lifepod I am thinking of is the screenwriting and directing debut of go-to TV main titles designer Bruce Bryant (Salvage I) and his sci-fi remake (not a homage; this time) of the Hitchcock concept with 1981’s Lifepod. It’s this one, starring TV’s Joe Penny (Jake and the Fatman) and Kristin DeBell (Meatballs), made, by not by Glen Larsony, but by producer Allan Sandler for Gold Key Entertainment for the VHS home video shelves.
Yes . . . we are talking about the same Gold Key who gave us the early ’70s kid adventures of H.R Pufnstuff and Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. But, since this is B&S About Movies: Gold Key unleashed the likes of Amando de Ossorio’s Fangs of the Living Dead (1969), I Eat Your Skin (1971), UFO’s: It Has Begun (1981), Piranha(1982), and Don Dohler’s The Alien Factor upon the unsuspecting drive-in masses. (Is this the same Gold Key who also produced comic books; my beloved cheap jack Space Family Robinson issues bought in a three-pack off the comic rack at my local strip mall bookstore, in particular?)
So, the Penny-DeBell one is set 22 years after the Ron Silver one, in the year 2191, with the maiden voyage of the Whitestar Lines’ (know your British nautical history) new Arcturus cruiser in jeopardy on the way to Saturn (yes, this is better, at least in script, than Saturn 3).
Hey, wait a minute . . . this is SST: Death Flight all over again! No, wait . . . Starflight One (where’s Lee Majors?)**. Ugh, don’t you follow along, B&S readers: Lifepod ’81 is the same, but different: we have a talking “Mother” computer, like Alien, natch, who alerts everyone to abandoned ship . . . so instead of planting a bomb, the ship’s “main cerebral” is sabotaged. See, different. Oh, no! Wait . . . the ship was originally intended as an interstellar exploration vessel and the greedy corporation refitted the Arcturus into a pleasure cruiser . . . so, what we really have here is Hitchcock meets Kurbrick, aka a confused Hal has another temper tantrum over mission directives. But since there’s more than one lifepod bouncing amid the stars, we also have a touch of James Cameron’s Titanic in the pinch-o-rama spacestakes.
So, that’s that. There’s no there there, Joe. Uh, what?
Oh, by the Lords of Kobol . . . there’s another Lifepod movie! Is Glen Larson committing sci-fi larceny, again? Roger Corman, are you making more cheapjack sci-fi cable movies? Ugh, not more footage and sets from Space Raiders, again. Please, spare us the Buck Rogers plastic sets, Glen.
Aka, Lifepod. What, no “3” suffix, Mr. Distributor?
While it’s not a Larson or Corman flick (Oh, no! There’s a “Roger Corman Presents” title card!), this is, in fact, a third Lifepod flick, one that’s also known as Circuit Breaker and Inhumanoid in various markets. In this version of the battle of the Lifeboat/Lifepod sci-fi homages remakes reboots, this one was released direct-to-video in 1996 and stars Richard Grieco (Raiders of the Damned) and Corin Bernsen (The Dentist).
Ah, oh, okay . . . I see, it’s not the same, but different (you know, like when Within the Rock clipped Armageddon and Creature), since, in addition to Lifeboat, they’ve also ripped the 1989 Sam Neill-Nicole Kidman starring Dead Calm — with Richard Grieco as the star-stranded galactic serial killer, aka the Billy Zane role, and Corbin in the Sam Neill role.
Whatever.
I refuse, on principle, to never watch it: ever, as I have my limits on how much galactic feldercarb I can swallow a secton. Hey, wait a sec . . . yep, ol’ Rog is copycatin’ again! Event Horizon, which started out with the pitch of “Dead Calm in space” (and became something completely different by the time it hit the big screen), came out in 1997 — and it starred Sam Neill. Bravo, Rog! You beat ’em to the punch, again!
2001: A Space Boat Odyssey.
Gold Key Entertainment in Space!
I have, however, watched the 1981 and 1993 Lifepod flicks, and truth be told: they’re really not that bad and both are solid on the production and acting fronts — the ’81 Penny-version over the ’93 Silver-version for me.
So, does this mean the rest of Gold Key Entertainment’s Kessel Run are just as good as their version of Lifepod: a series of pumped-out-in-quick-back-to-back-succession sci-fi flicks by writer-director-producer Allan Sandler and his partner, Robert Emenegger (he’s the point man, here, as he wrote them, directed six, and by Atari and Casio, scored them all) between 1979 to 1981.
As far the order in which these were made or released: your guess is as good as ours. It’s possible — since it’s the best looking of the nine films and has the stronger, best-known cast — Lifepod ’81 was probably the last film produced. However, we’ll defer to the order in which the IMDb lists the films. Some are more easily available to purchase or stream, than others:
Captive (1980) — Two survivors of an alien spaceship crash-land on Earth and hold two people hostage. Cameron Mitchell stars with ubiquitous TV actor David Ladd.
PSI Factor (1980) — Aliens from another dimension appear on Earth as a scientist tries to learn of their intentions. The first Gold Key’er for Gretchen Corbett, alongside go-to TV bad guy Peter Mark Richman (one of his films was Jason Takes Manhattan).
Killing at Outpost Zeta (1980) — A team is sent to a remote planet outpost to investigate two missing expeditions. Jackson Bostwick, aka TV’s Captain Marvel from the ’70s Saturday morning series Shazam!, stars. Yes, that’s Paul Comi, aka Lt. Stiles, from Star Trek: TOS: the first season episode, “Balance of Terror” (and this almost plays like an old ST episode-arc). This one is still out there in 2023 on Tubi!
Beyond the Universe (1981) — A scientist tries to save the Earth after two atomic wars. Familiar TV actor Christopher Cary of Planet Earth (1974) with John Saxon, stars.
Escape from DS-3 (1981) — A man framed for a crime he didn’t commit breaks out of a satellite-based security prison. Jackson Bostwick returns (then he’s off to the Future Zone with David Carradine), alongside Cameron Mitchell’s son, Jr., who had a small role in the even-cheaper, somewhat similar production stumble, Space Mutiny (1988), that starred his dad, and sister, Cissy.
Lifepod (1981) — Our space-take on Hitchcock’s Lifeboat.
Warp Speed (1981) — A psychic is dispatched to an derelict vessel in space to discover what happened to her crew. Cam Jr. returns, his sister Camille is on board, along with Adam West, and early roles for TV actors David Roya (Law & Order franchise) and Barry Gordon (Archie Bunker’s Place).
Time Warp (1981) — An astronaut returns from space only to discover he somehow traveled through a “time warp” and is now one year into the future — rendering him invisible. Gretchen Corbett, Cam Jr. and Adam West, returns. As result of the Adam West-connection: Time Warp and Warp Speed are available as a double-feature DVD — and the only other of the series on Tubi. (Even after the likes of Adam’s work in Omega Cop and Zombie Nightmare, which are, well, you know: this is a major step down for him.)
Laboratory (1983) — Aliens kidnap a group of humans in order to perform experiments upon them. Camille Mitchell returns, alongside Martin Kove (John Kreese from The Karate Kid.)
Based on these film’s syndicated UHF-TV, pay cable plays, and VHS quick releases and common-cast actors threaded throughout — including many more, very familiar ’70s TV actors in support — there’s LOTS of stock prop, set, and footage recycling — courtesy of Steven Spielberg’s sister, Ann, as the Production Designer.
So, after Lifepod: Warp Speed my interest as the best of the bunch — as far as acting, sets, and script; it reminds of a cheaper Silent Running. Then, Killing at Outpost Zeta, since — even though it’s ripping Alien and foreshadowing Aliens — has some nice cinematic atmosphere that reminds of Mario Bava’s Planet of the Vampires (1965). But it is still pretty bad, with its motorcycle space helmets and flexi-hoses.
Let’s put it this way: Are you into Alfonso Brescia’s five Italian space operas that we covered with our “Drive-In Friday: Pasta Wars” tribute? Are you hankering for Filmation’s Ark II, Jason of Star Command, and Space Academy Saturday Morning “Star Wars” homages? Have you wondered if there were pseudo-sequels (at least in style and tone) to the Canadian Lucasian rip that is The Shape of Things to Come? Did NBC-TV’s plastic Kessel Run hopefuls The Martian Chronicles and Brave New World capture your imagination? Well, then, you’ll have yourself a fun-filled weekend of it-ain’t-George Lucas-or-even-Glen Larson-it’s-Allan Sandler sci-fi watching to occupy your time adrift on that intergalactic lifepod that Alfred Hitchcock built.
Oh, yes, there’s stock footage, sets, props, and costume recycling adrift in those there stars, keep looking up, young warrior!
Back to the Lifeboats, er, ah, Pods!
You can stream the 1981 Joe Penny-version on Amazon Prime and You Tube, and the 1993 Ron Silver-version on Amazon Prime and You Tube. If you absolutely must defy the Magic 8 Ball’s heeds beyond the trailer or skimming the upload . . . you can watch the 1996 Richard Grieco-version on You Tube.
** Be sure to check out our “Lee Majors Week“ tribute of film reviews. Also check out our month-long “Star Wars” tribute blowout rife with over 50 space opera droppings and clones reviews, as well as our “Space Week” tribute of films from the ’50s and beyond. And we got all your Alien-rips, too, with our “Ten Films that Ripoff Alien (and more)!” feature.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes forB&S About Movies.
An invisible woman — actually, Invisible Woman as played by Michelle Yeoh — is stealing newborn children who are destined to be world leaders for her boss, the Evil Master. He needs to be stopped, but Invisible Woman owes him her life after leaving behind an abusive father. Luckily, she has two other heroes to push her to the path of righteousness — Wonder Woman (Anita Mui), who is the mild-manner wife of a cop by day and a sword and knife-wielding heroine by night and Thief Catcher (Maggie Cheung), a motorcycle-riding, bomb-throwing mercenary struggling to also find her good side.
It was produced by Ching Siu-tung (who directed A Chinese Ghost Story) and directed by Johnnie To, who also directed its thematically different sequel, Executioners.
Let me be clear: this movie is a unique blend of monstrous bad guys, unstoppable women, and kinetic martial arts. It’s a perfect mix of style and substance, which is exactly what I’m looking for in a film.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a ghostwriter of personal memoirs for Story Terrace London and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxldn
I saw Iron Monkey for the first time during its 2001 U.S. release.
Settling into my seat, I knew relatively nothing about it other than it was considered a modern classic Kung Fu film. When I realized it was about young Wong Fei Hung it was like opening a surprise gift. Being a big fan of Once Upon a Time in China with Jet Li and being familiar with the long, rich cinematic history of the character in HK movies made Iron Monkey even more enjoyable than it would have been otherwise.
I patiently waited for the Wong Fei Hung theme music to kick in. When it never did, I realized it was because the film had been re-scored for the American release. The cinematic equivalent of watching a James Bond film without the classic theme. That being said, the music in this version was actually pretty good when compared with some of the criminal hack jobs Miramax perpetrated on to other Asian films in the ‘90s. Quentin Tarantino’s name in the credits no doubt had something to do with the overall respect shown here. That it was given a wide release in North America with subtitles is a glorious thing.
Iron Monkey tells the story of a Dr. (Yu Rong Guang) who dons a mask during his off-time to steal riches from corrupt village officials and give the money to the poor. When a pre-teen Wong Fei Hung (played in the grand Cantonese tradition by a female – Angie Tsang) and his legendary father Wong Kai-Ying (Donnie Yen) come to town, it makes for one of the best Kung Fu movies I’ve ever seen. Each fight is better than the last and the final battle, which takes place mostly on top of wooden poles over a burning fire is truly a thing of beauty. Younger audiences will be familiar with Donnie’s amazing fighting techniques from Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. The equally talented Yen Shi-Kwan (Iron Robe Yim from OUATIC) plays the main baddie.
Every time I read a discussion centered on this film, everyone always goes on and on about Yuen Woo-Ping. He is indeed a brilliant artist. However, I feel just as much of the credit for the success of Iron Monkey should go to Producer/Writer Tsui Hark. I have viewed other films from roughly the same time period of both men and have to say that I have consistently enjoyed Tsui Hark’s body of work more than Yuen Woo-Ping’s. Iron Monkey is a great collaboration and should be viewed by all who are even the slightest bit curious about Kung Fu films.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a ghostwriter of personal memoirs for Story Terrace London and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxldn
To understand the intense lead performance in The Untold Story, we must first learn about the performer. Anthony Wong Chau-Sang was born on September 2, 1961, to a Chinese mother and a British father. His father later abandoned the family, leaving Wong the man of the house.
Growing up in Hong Kong with mixed lineage was difficult. His classmates teased him and eventually quit high school. His career as an actor began purely by accident when a friend asked him to accompany him to an audition at the ATV television studio. Ironically, Wong got in and his friend didn’t. He then attended the prestigious Academy of Performing Arts. His film debut appearance was in 1985’s My Name Ain’t Suzie. 1992 would be the turning point in his career when he appeared intwo highly recognizable roles opposite Chow Yun-Fat in Ringo Lam’s Full Contact and John Woo’s Hard Boiled. In 1993, he made a big splash (literally and figuratively) with his role as real-life Macau serial killer Wong Chi Hang in The Untold Story. The film justifiably propelled him to stardom in Asia. The performance is exceptional. For his efforts, Wong won the first of many acting awards and would lay the foundation for an exemplary career.
Don’t watch this expecting a re-hash of its contemporary cannibal thriller Silence of theLambs. Being a Category III film, The Untold Story is a far more painful a film to watch. Wong Chi Hang is far less charismatic than Hannibal Lecter. The viewer often walks the line between hating Hang and actually feeling a bit sorry for him as he withstands beating upon beating at the hands of Macau police. Danny Lee plays the Chief Inspector who shows up with a new woman on his arm in every scene. Rather than being sympathetic like Clarice Starling, he’s almost as loathsome as Chi Hang himself. The realism comes to a crescendo when Anthony Wong vomits noodles for real on cue. Both the actor and director Herman Yau verified this on the audio commentary track of the special edition DVD. A splash indeed.
After days of questioning, Wong Chi Hang finally confesses. He not only killed a lot of people, but he disposed of their remains by grinding them up and using them to make “Human Barbecued Pork Buns” or Cha Siu Bao (a tasty little Dim Sum item made from fluffy dough with a savory BBQ pork filling.)
This film is not for the squeamish by a long shot. The flashback scenes at the end where we get to see what Chi Hang did to his victims are probably some of the most brutal of the ‘90s and include incredibly sadistic acts of sexual violence.
If you can stomach it, it’s definitely worth watching for the great acting and creepy realism. Although many films have now eclipsed it in terms of violence, gorehounds will probably enjoy this Category III classic. Chopsticks will never be the same. Ever.
Lian Nichang, the main character of this film, comes from Liang Yusheng’s novel Baifa Monü Zhuan, which also served as source material for Wolf Devil Woman. However, director Ronny Yu saw this film as more of a romance than a fighting movie, believing that the central story was truly about the struggled against fate and the need to fulfill heroic duty.
Zhuo Yihang (Leslie Cheung) is a swordsman raised in the world of chivalry, charged with leading the eight major martial arts schools against an evil cult led by cojoined twins named Ji Wushuang. Those very same twins have raised Lian Nichang (Brigette Lin), a wolf-girl orphaned as an infant, making her one of the strongest martial artists of all time.
Can two enemies find love despite being raised to hate one another? And when forced to turn upon one another, can anyone survive?
This is a gorgeous film that demands to be watched. It’s like a moving painting, a film that’s just as much a romance as one devoted to wire work and swordplay. And for people like me who demand those types of things, there is stil plenty of fight scenes.
You could say that this movie looks like a dream, but I’ve never had one quite so vivid.
Paula and Robert Sims (Park Overall and Robby Benson) are in a bind. Their twelve-day-old baby has been kidnapped and they beg the public for help. Sadly, their daughter is soon found dead to great sympathy. But when the same thing happens three years later, well, that’s when the law — Sheriff Frank Yocom (Frank Forrest) and Agent Jimmy Bivens (Brion James) — get involved.
Originally airing on CBS on September 28, 1993, this was a ripped from the headlines movie based on the book by Charles Bosworth Jr. and Don W. Weber. It’s directed by Peter Levin, who also brought us A Killer Among Us, Deadly Nightshade, The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana and plenty of episodic TV.
This has a really solid supporting cast with Richard Thomas, Eileen Brennan, Nancy Cartwright, Robyn Lively (top that, TeenWitch!) and Cliff DeYoung.
Robert Sims comes off as a maniac, forcing his wife and daughters to sleep in the basement because of their smell and continually growing angry because he can’t have sons. And he’s the innocent one!
Now that I spoiled this, you can watch it on YouTube.
No, this isn’t a VHS retrofit of ABC-TV’s 1984 TV movie The Calendar Girl Murders starring Tom Skerritt. Haven’t you been following along at all this week?
So, we have Lee Majors starring in a watered down TV giallo for the USA Network (that eventually replayed on HBO) that grafts Baywatch onto Friday the 13th as a bunch of nubile young ladies frolic across the island sands à la Agatha’s Christie’s oft-used Ten Little Indians as plot fodder. Hey, what’s not to like when Lee’s costars are Adrian Paul from Highlander . . . and Jennifer O’Neill!
So, what do we have here? Ugh, do you really want to know?
Ah, you gotta love those generic VHS potboiler covers of yore.
Well, piggish Rex Kingman (cast-against-type Lee Majors) is a magazine mogul none to happy that one of the models “he made” has giving him the professional brush now that’s she’s a TV star. And she’s quickly dispatched via straight razor by a Halloween-masked marauder (Richard Nixon, is that you?). And . . . off we go to some tropical island to save the King’s ready-to-go-under-can-only-be-saved-by-a-swimsuit-edition magazine with a hot, ponytailed photographer (Paul) and Lee’s right-hand madam, oh, we mean editor and ex-lover, Kate Brannigan (O’Neill). But guess what? Our rubbery ex-president is also on the island, fully equipped with rifle scopes, explosives, and shiny implements of giallo destruction. Oh, snap! That establishing murder wasn’t real? What? That was Kate’s nightmare? Oh, so, nix Richard Nixon . . . and cue the red-herring creepy groundskeeper — the one in need of a bath, a shave, and a few treadmill sessions — before settling down with a nice cigar as he jerks to those Polaroids of the girls he taped to the wall next to his cot.
This is a film where, deaths be damned, the magazine must be saved, so it’s a kill-and-camera snap world. And since this a cable TV giallo, the slash is lacking, the blood is missing, and (plot spoiler, stop reading!) it’s all a big dupe set up by Kate — with the models in on the scam — to push the tyrannical Kingman over-the-edge. So, not only do we have ol’ Aggie in the script model, we have a soupçon of oh, Henry James’s Turn of the Screw — only with the always pleasurable-to-see Bobbie Phillips in a bikini draped across tree trunks, riding horses and jet skis, and running in slow-mo montages to pad out the film’s lack of plot and short run time.
Seriously, this isn’t all that bad — in a porn, uh “adult thriller,” kinda way. In fact, if you used this USA potboiler’s production values — and cast a bunch of known porn-to-mainstream actresses, like Michelle Bauer, Marilyn Chambers, Traci Lords, Linnea Quigley, Moana Pozzi, and Teri Weigel in the cast — and upped the skin quotient in a direct-to-DVD release model, we’d be onto something other than this red, white and blue blade-dull giallo.
While it would be very cool to see Lee Majors in a real, bloody Neapolitan insect-and-junk-science-driven-killer romp, you’ve seen worse watered down U.S. telefilm horrors. Check it out for yourself on You Tube. Oh, and be sure to check out our review of Lee and Jen’s other film we reviewed this week, the much better he-man actioner, Steel.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
RoboCop 3 presents an astounding and completely science fiction conceit: a robot police officer built by a corporation decides to stop serving the interests of law, order and the establishment and throws in with a bunch of homeless multicultural people. Read this line and get it: RoboCop gets shot by a bunch of white supremacist cops, realizes ACAB and gets woke. Then he gets a jetpack and fights robot ninjas.
Obviously, this movie is amazing.
Director Fred Dekker has an interesting career, writing House and House 2, as well as writing and directing The Monster Squad and Night of the Creeps. The original script was written by comic book writer and artist Frank Miller*, who also did the previous film in this series. He was so upset by the way his screenplay was treated — comparing it to dogs urinating on a fire hydrant — that he left Hollywood until Sin City.
The biggest change is that Peter Weller decided to make Naked Lunch** and the lead role was played by Robert John Burke, who was the Dust Devil in the movie of the same name, as well as the lead in Thinner. Dan O’Herlihy also didn’t return to lead Omni Consumer Products. And spoiler warning, but Nancy Allen’s Officer Lewis gets killed minutes into the film.
OCP is calling in the bill on Detroit, using Paul McDaggett and his team of Urban Rehabilitators to forcibly move out the residents of Cadillac City, killing anyone who disagrees. The Kanemitsu Corporation also works to move this plan forward, replacing the police with their violent Otomo robots.
When RoboCop and Officer Lewis try to stop the Rehabs from killing civilians, they are gunned down and our hero’s fourth directive forces him to stop defending himself. He’s rescued by the very people he wanted to save, including Nikko, a young robotics genius who has somehow turned ED-209 into a good guy.
As RoboCop is rebuilt, he joins with the underground, led by Dr. Marie Lazarus (Jill Hennessy) and Bertha (CCH Pounder). Seriously, this movie is cast so well, with Rip Torn as the OCP CEO, Mako as the leader of Kanemitsu, Stephen Root and more.
Look, I get it. RoboCop is the best of this series and this one really cuts down on the violence. Dekker admits that the hero’s journey of Officer Murphy/RoboCop was complete by the end of the first movie, but you know, I kind of like the idea that a human in a robot shell who has only been a cop can see the errors of his mindset. He’s no longer acting like Judge Dredd shooting everything in his path. Instead, he has to connect with people beyond his fellow officers.
It also looks pretty good, thanks to director of photography Gary B. Kibbe, who Dekker chose after seeing his work on They Live, which this movie is very similar to, and Prince of Darkness. Dekker called John Carpenter to ask for his blessing to use Kibbe and after telling him the premise, Carpenter joked, “Homeless people taking up arms. That’s real left wing.”
This is way better than it should be and when seen in 2021, it’s an even better film. If Dekker could have gotten to do the things he wanted to do — adding in more Hong Kong style martial arts, an extended jetpack sequence and an ending where Officer Lewis becomes a cyborg, it would have been something people other than me remember.
*Otomo is similar to Miller’s comic Ronin and CCH Pounder’s Bertha Washington is a reference to his character Martha Washington.
**To his credit, Weller met with Dekker and explained why he wasn’t doing the movie in person, which is a pretty stand up way to act.
In this film Albert Pyun posits a future in which an arcade called Dante’s Inferno has a new virtual reality arcade game called Arcade. It’s being test-marketed by a company man who is handing out free samples of the home edition and hyping the thing up like he’ll die if it doesn’t sell, which is not far off.
The problems start here. The arcade has a cool name and the game has a really boring one. Arcade? Let me see the creatives who sold that one and I imagine their balls have their own independent orbits. Also, what arcade allows someone to hand out home systems that will keep players out of their establishment?
Alex Manning (Megan Ward, Tentacles II, Amityville: It’s About Time, PCU, Encino Man) is a troubled kid whose mom killed herself last year and only finds herself through video games. To make things even better — or worse for the characters — Arcade was once a little boy who — VR Pinocchio kinda sorta — has been used as the brain for this game.
As silly as this gets, the cast is good and game. Peter Billingsley (yes, Ralphie), John de Lancie (yes, the original Q), Seth Green, A.J. Langer (who the rest of the world knows from My So-Called Life and I know as Utopia from Escape from L.A.) and Don Stark (who is in everything from That ’70s Show to Switchblade SIsters, Evilspeak and Santa With Muscles) all do the best with what they’ve got.
This film is filled with CGI and would have had light cycles in it, but Disney caught wind and sued the puppet-sized pants off of Full Moon. Oh Disney, so willing to sue daycare centers and small-budget films, yet so unwilling to go after racist rednecks that at will steal the Punisher logo and tarnish the Marvel brand.
This was written by David S. Goyer, who may have started his career in Charles Band land, but would move on to write movies like Dark City, Blade, 2014’s Godzilla, the Nolan Batman films and even the new Hellraiser, which is in production.
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