Based on the story by Stephen King and adapted by Michael McDowell (Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas), this Michael Gornick-directed episode has Bruce Davison as Richard Hagstrom, a man who has just inherited an upgraded computer from his nephew Jonathan. This computer is quite unique, as it has the power to grant wishes.
Richard’s life is rough. He has no real love for his wife Lina or son Seth Robert. The love of his life, Belinda, is married to his brother Robert, an alcoholic. And I should say was married, as Robert has driven their car off a cliff and killed everyone, including Jonathan, one of the few people who Richard likes.
This is one of the better Tales from the Darkside stories, a near-perfect adaption of King’s story on a small budget. Somehow, Richard is able to take this gift and use it to find a happy ending, something that rarely — if ever — happens with wishes.
Dino De Laurentiis made this so he could make a quick buck and then make Total Recall. De Laurentiis would eventually file for bankruptcy and sell the rights to Carolco Pictures, who would make the movie with Arnold, who Dino never saw as the lead in that Phillip K. Dick story.
As for Schwarzenegger, if he made this, De Laurentiis would finish out his contract.
I keep thinking back to Roger Ebert’s review* of this: “This plot is so simple (and has been told so many times before), that perhaps the most amazing achievement of Raw Deal is its ability to screw it up. This movie didn’t just happen to be a mess; the filmmakers had to work to make it so confusing.”
That’s true. All they had to do was watch Yojimbo. Or A Fistful of Dollars. Or Django. Or Il conto è chiuso. Or The Warrior and the Sorceress. It’s a simple story that can be told in any way, but this one, well…
At least it has Arnold.
Blair Shannon protects a mob informant with his life, a fact that causes his father — FBI Agent Harry Shannon (Darren McGavin) — to want only one thing: revenge. The object of that pound of flesh retrieval will be Sheriff Mark Kaminski AKA Joseph P. Brenner (Schwarzenegger), himself a former FBI agent who was kicked out for beating the life out of a suspect who sexually assaulted and murdered a young girl. The man who ruined his career — Marvin Baxter (Joe Regalbuto) — is now a special forces prosecutor looking into the same crime family who killed Shannon’s son.
Like some 70s paperback action hero, Kaminski “dies” in a chemical plant explosion and is reborn as the crook Joseph P. Brenner, ready to infiltrate the family — as an Italian it is my duty to inform you that the mafia does not exist and has been created by the mass media as a slander against my people — and has to keep up his fake identity which gets compromised nearly at the cost of Shannon’s life.
It’s a movie filled with character actor tough guys — Ed Lauter, Steven Hill, Dick Durock, Robert Davi and Sven-Ole Thorsen — but the amazing thing is just how brutalized Arnold is by every woman in the cast, in particular his wife Amy (Blanche Baker, Molly Ringwald’s sister in Sixteen Candles and also the daughter of Carroll), who has taken to their isolated small town life with bottle in hand. Yet Arnold remains devoted to her, not giving in to the urge to fall in love with gangster moll Monique (Kathryn Harrold, who was menaced by bats in Nightwing and a large opera singer in Yes, Giorgio).
Directed by John Irvin (Next of Kin — the one with Swayze, who was almost in this) from a script by Luciano Vincenzoni (For a Few Dollars More, Miami Supercops), Sergio Donati (Once Upon a Time In the West, the original Man on Fire) and Gary DeVore (Running Scared), this film seems like a rest stop on the way to Arnold owning Hollywood. However, Arnold has also said that he learned a lot here, referring to Irvin as “a real actor’s director.”
*Meanwhile, Gene Siskel said “it has essentially the same story as Cobra,” which is so wrong.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article originally was on the site on January 29, 2019. It has been updated for Arnold week.
You know what they say. If you can’t get John Milius, grab the dude who directed Mandingo, Soylent Green and the Neil Diamond remake version of The Jazz Singer, Richard Fleischer. That’s exactly what Dino and Raffaella De Laurentiis did here. It makes sense, though, as Fleischer had also directed The Vikings, one of the films that had inspired Milius as he created Conan the Barbarian.
This time, however, gore was out and humor was in. That said, the original story is by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, the comic book writers who were behind so many of Conan’s Marvel Comics stories.
Conan (Schwarzenegger) and his companion, the thief Malak (Tracy Walter, Bob the Goon from Batman) are tested by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas, Ursa from SupermanII). She has a quest for him and should he succeed, she will bring Valeria back from the dead. He must escort Jehnna, the queen’s virginal niece, to restore the horn of the dreaming god Dagoth (yes, Conan and HP Lovecraft aren’t far removed).
Our heroes are joined by basketball star Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata, the leader of the royal guard, who has orders to kill Conan as soon as the gem is secured. To combat the wizard who has the gem, Conan brings back Akiro the Wizard (Mako) from the last movie. And soon, they save Zula (Grace Jones!) from some villagers and she joins their quest.
They come to the castle of Thoth-Amon, who is played by former pro wrestler “Judo” Pat Roach. Roach is in a ton of movies that you know and love and you know exactly who he is, but may not know him by name. He’s the flying wing mechanic in Raiders of the Last Ark, the bouncer in A Clockwork Orange and General Kael in Willow. He turns into a giant bird and kidnaps Jehnna and then turns into a monkey man inside a hall of mirrors. His death destroys the entire castle. This whole sequence makes the movie!
When they return, Taramis’ guards attack (Sven-Ole Thorsen, who played Thorgrim in the first film is one of them, this time called Togra), but Bombaata claims to have no idea why. Jehna starts to fall for Conan, but he explains his devotion to Valeria to her. Soon after, they learn that Jehna will be sacrificed to awaken Dagoth, who is played by Andre the Giant!
Everything works out for Conan and he decides to leave his companions behind for further adventures. Sadly, despite years of promising, no new Arnold starring film has reached the silver screen.
Despite this being a toned down film, it’s packed with great scenes. If only it was all as awesome as the sequences where Conan battles Thoth-Amon, including the mirror battle. Still, it’s way better than Red Sonja and any Conan project that would follow.
“Inside the Closet” is one of the more famous episodes of Tales from the Darkside as it’s the first thing that was directed by Tom Savini. While writer Michael McDowell died at the too-young age of 49, he left behind scripts to films like Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Thinner.
It’s a very simple story: Gail (Roberta Weiss) needs a room so she can keep studying in college and ends up finding one from Dr. Fenner (Fritz Weaver), a professor whose daughter is away at college and wife has just died. Or so he says…
In 22-minutes, with two actors and sets, as well as little to no budget, Savini transforms the basic into one of the most frightening — and sweet, oddly — tales in this series. I’ve seen Lizzie up close and in person and it’s just as eerie in real life.
I’d rather not spoil too much, other than to say that Gail is not alone in the house and all of her fears are very, very real.
Michael Gornick, who directed this episode, ran camera on The Amusement Parkand Knightriders, is the voice of Barry the talk show host in Martin, was the DP of that movie as well as Dawn of the Dead, Creepshowand Day of the Dead and went on to direct episodes of this show, Monsters and took over from George Romero for Creepshow 2.
In this installment, he’s working from a script by Mark Durand and Michael Kube-McDowell to tell the story of Rich Hall (David Patrick Kelly, Jerry Horne from Twin Peaks), is a commercial artist who begins to fade away. The company he just interviewed with doesn’t remember him, his wife Elaine (Kerry Armstrong) doesn’t even have his name on their car and even his mother no longer knows who he is.
These things could all happen at once and it’d be fine, but the succession by which they’re happening means that something supernatural is behind this.
The idea that you could disappear — not physically, but literally go away — is one of the most frightening things ever considered on this show. Some of the episodes get silly, some just have a rubber suit monster, but this one understands how to terrify you with a nearly real concept.
Justine Bateman (FamilyTies) stars as Susan “Pookie” Anderson, the twin sister of Kevin “Mookie” (Ron Asher). Sadly, Mookie has a terminal disease yet he is able to place his mind into his beloved computer, something their parents Harold (George Sims, who ran camera on Cassavetes’ films Faces and Love Streams) and Ruth (Tippi Hedren!) can’t seem to understand.
This episode was directed by Timna Ranon, who did two other episodes of this show and was on second unit for God’s Gun. It was written by Marc Fields and Dan Kleinman, who wrote the only post-apocalyptic movie starring Mescach Taylor, Ultra Warrior.
It’s a pretty simple concept and perhaps not the darkest of all episodes, but consider this one a palate cleanser.
Tommy Vale (Danny Aiello) never skips a chance to bet. So when a dead man comes back — Bill Lacey (Tom Noonan) — and wagers that Tommy will be dead in 24 hours, he takes that bet. And then we wait.
This episode feels almost like a stage play with Aiello’s quiet dignity even in the face of his corrupt life and the fact that he’s never been taken advantage of when betting up against a man who he thinks is Lacey’s son but who could very well be a ghost.
Director James Steven Sadwith is probably best known for the Sinatra and Elvis miniseries that he directed. He co-wrote this with Carole Lucia Satrina, who also wrote three of the Cannon Movie Tales, Red Riding Hood, Puss In Boots and Beauty and the Beast.
The joy of this episode is seeing Aiello and Noonan act opposite one another. This is one of the rare episodes of this show with some restraint in the storytelling instead of a monster of the week and that makes this quite an enjoyable twenty plus minutes.
Harvey Turman (Lou Jacobi, a Canadian comedian who released “Al Tijuana and his Jewish Brass,” a comedic take on Herb Albert as a Yiddish bandleader and yes, that’s a real thing) has non-stop back pain that Dr. Roebuck (Farley Granger) believes is all caused by Harvey’s wife Nadine (Peggy Cass) and that if he kills her, he’ll heal up.
The truth is a bit more complicated — or a twist ending — but writer Haskell Barkin must have had a rough marriage himself. His career is interesting, though, writing tons of Hanna Barbera cartoons like Jabberjaw, Yogi’s Space Race, The Jetsons and episodes of The Love Boat. He also contributed to the 80s version of The Twilight Zone and Monsters, the follow-up to Tales from the Dark Side.
Director Armand Mastroianni has a great horror background, making The Supernaturals, He Knows You’re Alone, The Clairvoyant, Cameron’s Closet and episodes of Friday the 13th: The Series and three other episodes of this series.
This is more of a throwaway comedy episode, but at least it has a moment where the couple watches Night of the Living Dead on TV, which was a public domain film that cost nothing to add to the show. More importantly, it was created by the show’s producer, George Romero.
Seven In Sight was directed by Pedro Galindo III, who also made some other great movies you should track down right now like Vacaciones de Terror 2, La Muerte del Chacal and Trampa Infernal. It was written by Carlos Valdemar, who has 200 scripting IMDB credits like Zindy the Swamp Boy and Cyclone, and Gilberto de Anda who has a hundred and was the man who write Mi Fantasma y Yo and Tijuana Jones.
It’s pretty much a western but instead of a ruthless gang that has just come into town on horseback, they all have facepaint and mohawks and ride motorcycles and I’m in love with this. The sheriff (Mario Almada, who made a million or more movies where he appears on the cover brandishing a gun) tries to treat Vikingo and his Zulu gang like human beings and tells them to just keep moving. They don’t — one of them assaults and accidentally kills a woman — so one of the deputies steals a gun from a mechanic, kills the suspect and doesn’t let on that he just led an innocent man to jail. The bikers demand justice and take a bar and a school — I mean, what else is important in a Texas border town? — and threaten to kill everyone unless they get their hands on the mechanic. And then the townspeople go nuts and demand the death of the bikers. It falls to the sheriff and his brother Marcos (played by Mario’s brother Fernando) to beat, shoot and bullwhip this gang seemingly from a post-apocalyptic future into the ground.
Intrepidos Punksand its sequel La Venganza de los Punks are obviously better versions of this same story, but just like how seven different Mexican regions offer different twists on food that all just called Mexican food north of the border, this has notes and flavors worth experiencing and savoring, like a scene where a hostage is introduced to steel fan blades face first.
The next movie gets even wilder, but there’s lots to like here.
Frank De Palma directed eight episodes of Tales from the Dark Side and one of its spiritual sibling Monsters. For a series that had some major directors — I mean, George Romero is right there — it was a brave move to pick his episode to start the show with.
The script is from Mark Durand, a writer for The Week InBaseball, from a short story by Barbara Owens.
This episode gets dark. Vic Tayback is a reformed alcoholic turned hard working real estate salesperson, someone who turns down a celebratory drink from his boss to make sure he keeps on the straight and narrow. Then, his son Jerry shows up to see his dad. The only problem is that he doesn’t have a son.
Actually, he has two, with Petey at home with his wife Sharon. His angry dismissal of this reality he doesn’t understand upsets his wife, who is sure he’s back drinking. But what is Jerry? A demon? A sympton of his alcoholism? An actor hired so that his wife can get out of their marriage? Probably the first one, as when the protagonist is replaced with another office drone, his son Jerry arrives at the end of the Friday workday.
That’s a bleak story to start with but welcome to Tales from the Dark Side. They didn’t call it Cute Animals Dance All Day Long you know.
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