April 21: Gone Legitimate — A movie featuring an adult film actor in a mainstream role.

Directed and co-written by Francis Creighton (who also played Rev. Fakkar), this isn’t your daddy’s Dracula, and it certainly isn’t your sister’s Twilight. This is a neon-soaked, high-fructose corn syrup nightmare that feels like someone dropped a tab of acid at a 1960s beach party and forgot to come down for thirty years.

We start with the titular vampires. Are they lurking in gothic castles? Nope. They’re clad in neon bikinis, in the sun and shaking it on the Malibu sands to the strains of “Beach Blanket Bingo.” Then, we discover three heroes, I guess, who all have issues: 

• Colonel Oliver West (Rod Sweitzer): A Marine who looks like he’s lost his way to a GI Joe convention, who is Ollie North.
• Congressman Terry Upstart (Marcus Frieshman): Your typical greasy politician.
• Reverend Tim Fakker (Creighton): A televangelist working alongside Pammy Faye (Gretchen House) and—I am not making this up—a troupe of tap dancers.

Here in this movie, a vampire bite doesn’t turn you into a creature of the night; it turns you into an honest person. Once bitten, our three leads lose the ability to lie, which absolutely wrecks their careers in the military, politics and the pulpit.

The vampires include Kelly Galindo as the chairperson, Christina Walker as the vice-president, Mimi Spivak as a vampire in charge of our country’s money, Anet Anatelle as a “wanna-be Cher,” Cherie Romans as “girl who failed her SAT,” Yvette Buchanan — Baby Doll from Night Eyes — as a rocket scientist, adult actress Jeannie Pepper as a brain surgeon, Becky LeBeau as a census taker and even Angelyne as a Barbara Bush impersonator.

I can definitely say that this movie is not good in any way.

You can watch this on CultPix.