As a large ship drifts into New York City, you may wonder, “Am I watching Zombi?” No, you’re watching Contamination or Alien Contamination, but the similarities may be international. Both films shared the same production offices and director Luigi Cozzi (Starcrash, Hercules) was so impressed that he wanted to hire the same cast, but only ended up with Ian McCulloch.
The ship is packed with large containers of coffee, which really hide green eggs that pulsate and make droning sounds. The crew of the ship is more than just dead. They’re in pieces and the rescue team soon discovers why. The eggs tend to explode, spraying acid all over the place that’s toxic to anything human. As soon as it touches them, they explode in glorious slow motion bursts of red food color and Karo syrup.
The military soon links the green eggs with a recent mission to Mars that caused one astronaut to disappear and the other, Commander Hubbard (there’s Ian McCulloch!) to become a drunk. He joins Colonel Stella Holmes and New York cop Tony Aris (Marino Masé, The Red Queen Kills Seven Times) on the case, which takes them all the way to a Columbian coffee plantation (well, the movie was funded by Columbia cocaine dealers) and Hubbard’s old partner, who is now in the thrall of a gigantic alien cyclops (!).
Originally intended as a straight sequel to Alien, this movie enters James Bond territory at times and is not afraid — at all — to wipe out characters left and right. It also has a scene where a green egg menaces a girl in the shower, which should be frightening yet comes off as hilarious. That said, this has a loud Goblin soundtrack that makes this seem like a much better movie than it is.
But hey — who can hate a movie with dialogue like this?
NYPD Lt. Tony Aris: Jesus Christ, the whole world is going to be wiped out and all this broad’s worried about is getting changed!
Colonel Stella Holmes: Listen, Aris, if I have to die with the rest of the world then I want to have a proper dress on and clean underwear.
That’s better than the first few minutes of the film, where almost the entire dialogue is muffled. But hey — you can either choose great dialogue or awesome gore. Guess which one you get here?
Want to see it for yourself? Shudder and Amazon Prime both have this streaming and you can get the Arrow blu ray at Diabolik DVD.
UPDATE: You can also watch this with commentary from Joe Bob Briggs on Shudder.
I’ve recently been reading the book Satanic Panic: Pop Culture Paranoia in the 1980’s and reminded of my own misspent youth. In sixth grade, a teacher knew that I was religious and thought I could warn my fellow classmates about the dangers of evil music and movies. He gave me a mimeographed sheet of heavy metal (and non-metal) bands to study and by the time I got to Black Sabbath, my soul was sold to rock and roll.
By eleventh grade, I was squarely in the devil’s camp in the eyes of my teachers. My love for bands like King Diamond and Danzig, along with my predilection for drawing Leatherface in class, marked me as a subject of interest. Obviously, I was doing drugs and black mass rituals — I could easily discuss Dungeons & Dragons, too. I was to be more feared the dead-eyed athletes who would soon realize their lives were peaking at 17 while mine hadn’t even started yet.
It’s to those times in my youth, when I wanted to escape my hometown and sat in my room blaring Samhain’s “November Coming Fire” and reading Fangoria, that this movie perfectly fits in. It is disgusting. It is unrepentant. It has no moral or social value. It is filled with the kind of gore than makes churches throw VHS tapes into a blazing bonfire. In short, it is everything amazing and wonderful and metal about horror movies.
The movie starts with two Germans exploring a beautiful Greek beach. Someone emerges from the ocean and murders them. Meanwhile, five travelers are joined by Julie (Tisa Farrow, who some may know as the sister of Mia, but we all know her as Anne from Zombi 2), who asks for a ride to the island. However, Carol (Zora Kerova, Cannibal Ferox, The New York Ripper) uses her tarot cards to learn that something bad will happen. No one listens to her.
The pregnant Maggie (Serena Grandi from Delirium) stays behind on the boat and is abducted by the killer, who quickly beheads a sailor.
The island is in ruins and completely abandoned, except for a woman in black, who writes go away in the dust. Upon finding a rotting corpse that has been eaten, everyone runs back to the boat, which is floating unmanned, then goes to the house of Julie’s friends. There, only the family’s blind daughter Henriette has survived.
The young girl panics and attacks Daniel, but when she is calmed, she tells everyone of the maniac that is stalking the island. Daniel is wounded and needs medicine, so Andy and Arnold head to town. Meanwhile, Daniel flirts with Julie, which causes Carol to run into town and Julie to follow her. While all this drama is going on, the killer rips out Danel’s throat.
Everyone travels to a mansion that belonged to Klaus Wortman, who died along with his wife and child in a shipwreck. This caused his sister, the woman in black, to lose her mind. And to hammer that point home, we soon see her hang herself.
Everything seems like its going to get better when a boat rifts to shore. On board, Julie finds Klaus’ journal. It turns out that he is alive…and the killer! Soon, Maggie is confronted by him and we learn that it’s George Eastman, who is in so many awesome Italian movies, such as Baba Yaga, 2019: After the Fall of New York, The New Barbarians, Blastfighter, Rabid Dogs, Hands of Steel, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, oh man! So many amazing films! This is his star-making role though and he really goes for it. He has a flashback where we learn how he accidentally stabbed his wife while trying to convince her that they should eat their dead son to survive. After eating his family, he went insane. Soon, Klaus breaks out of his flashback reverie, stabs Arnold and rips out and eats the unborn baby inside Maggie’s belly. Holy fucking shit, this movie!
I wish that those teachers who thought I was a Satanic terror in 1988 could see me now, jumping up and down with glee at 2:44 AM on a school night screaming “GEORGE EASTMAN!” while drinking a beer and holding a small dog.
What follows can’t really top that, but fuck it if Eastman isn’t going to try, including eating his own intestines after Andy hits him the stomach with a pickaxe! That’s commitment to your role!
The American version of this film, The Grim Reaper, has 35 cuts in an attempt to get an R rating. That’s correct – nine minutes are missing, including the baby being devoured and the killer eating himself. It just ends when he is stabbed in the stomach. It also replaces the electronic Italian score with the music from Kingdom of the Spiders.
Director Joe D’amato and George Eastman would return in a spiritual sequel called Absurd. You better believe we’ll be getting to that one soon. This is a rough film, but isn’t that why you’re this far down in the review, reading this? You know it. And you can check it out in sadly edited form on Amazon Video. If you want the real deal, you probably know how to find movies on iOffer, right?
EDIT: You can forget the end of the paragraph above and just grab the insanely awesome Severin Video rerelease and stop bothering with edited crappy looking versions of this movie.
Danny Steinmann started his directing career with the adult movie High Rise and worked on the films Savage Streetsand Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning along the way. After that film, he was injured in a bicycle accident and was unable to return to directing. He also produced the Gene Roddenberry made-for-TV movie Spectre. Today, though, we’re here to discuss his 1980 effort The Unseen.
Keep in mind — Steinmann had his name removed from the movie as he was upset with the final cut. He’s credited as Peter Foleg.
Jennifer (Barbara Bach Lady Starkey, the wife of Ringo Starr who also was in The Spy Who Loved Me, Black Belly of the Tarantula and Short Night of Glass Dolls) and Karen (Karen Lamm, the wife of Beach Boy Dennis Wilson), along with their friend Vicki, are in Solvag, CA to cover a folk rock show and town festival. A mix-up over their reservations leads the girls to stay with Ernest Keller (Sydney Lassick, Skate Town U.S.A., Lady in White), the owner of a museum.
Jennifer is in town to report on the town’s parade and festival, but has to deal with her soon to be ex-boyfriend Tony (Douglas Barr, TV’s The Fall Guy‘s Howie, as well as Deadly Blessing), who wants to talk about their relationship. Ugh.
Meanwhile, Vicki just wants to get naked while creepy old men stare at her through vents. Sadly for her, The Unseen pulls her through one of those vents and slams it down on her beck, killing her. Soon after, Karen is also killed. Their bodies are discovered by Ernest’s wife Virginia (Lelia Goldoni, who was in Cassavetes’ Shadows and the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers).
That’s when we learn the secret: Virginia and Ernest are husband and wife, as well as brother and sister. He killed their father two decades ago and they’ve lived here ever since, along with Junior (Stephen Furst, the guy from Animal House in the role one wonders if he was born to play), their inbred son. Ernest is keeping up the cycle of abuse that his father started, beating his son and keeping wife/sister in submission. Now, Jennifer must die to keep the secret.
Ernest lures her into the basement where she finds her friends’ bodies. She panics and runs into Junior, who she discovers probably didn’t mean to kill anyone. Ernest tries to kill her, but Virginia tries to save her. This leads to a family fight and Ernest kills his son with a board with a nail through it.
Just as Ernest is ready to off Jennifer with a hatchet, her stupid ex saves her. Well, he tries to, but an old leg injury flares up, Oh, you inept moron! It’s up to Virginia to save the day by shooting her husband/brother and going back in the house to hold her dead son.
The Unseen was originally written by Kim Henkel and Michael Viner. While Henkel is best known for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Viner was a producer and audiobook pioneer who also assembled the Incredible Bongo Band, whose song “Apache” is one of the most sampled songs ever. Their screenplay was adapted into the book Deadly Encounter by Richard Woodley.
Bluntly put, this movie is all over the place. The reveal of The Unseen stays on the monster so long that you wonder why this movie is called The Unseen. It starts with so much promise, but by the end, you may find yourself staring at the time left, hoping that it ends quickly.
Sunn Classic Entertainment may have made Grizzly Adams, but they were really known for four-walling theaters, renting them and making all of the money. The films they showed tend toward conspiracy theories, starting all the way back in 1975 with The Outer Space Connection and continuing with In Search of Noah’s Ark, The Lincoln Conspiracy, In Search of Historic Jesus, The Bermuda Triangle and so many more. They expanded to producing films with Tim Conway, The Boogens, Cujo and this one, based on the late 1970’s fascination with our government’s alien cover-ups (this was a big part of the end of every episode of Battlestar Galactica – “U.S. Air Force’s 1969 Project Blue Book findings that UFOs are not proven to exist and are not a threat to national security.”).
Suffice to say that I was constantly scared shitless of U.F.O.’s throughout 1979, 1980 and into 1981. A big part of that fear was this TV commercial:
There was even UFO Candy that listed out different sighted UFO’s on the inside. Yes, this fat kid got sugared up and then read all about alien abductions and then tried to go to bed. No dice.
Hangar 18 is all about the government covering up an incident where an astronaut is killed on the Space Shuttle, which is witnessed by two other astronauts: Steve Bancroft (Gary Collins, whose show The Sixth Sense was syndicated alongside the superior — and best show perhaps of all time — Night Gallery. Plus, he hosted beauty pageants and talk shows for years) and Lew Price (James Hampton, The Longest Yard).
As the government works to keep things under wraps, the men make their way to Arizona. Price is killed, but Bancroft finally makes it to the Air Force base that has the damaged UFO. On board were two pilots and a woman in suspended animation. Plus, the ships have ancient languages on them and a record of all of the surveillance the craft has done on our planet. Even scarier — this may have been a shuttle and a larger ship is out there.
Darren McGavin shows up, as does Robert Vaughn as Gordon Cain, a government agent who is out to erase all of the evidence. He does so with a remote controlled jet, but Bancroft and a few scientists survive, as they were inside the UFO. This is conveyed via voiceover, which is the least dramatic way to end a movie (there’s also an alternate version called Invasion Force with a different ending).
Interestingly enough, Hangar 18 was one of the very few American films to be theatrically shown in the Soviet Union. As one of the only science fiction and action films shown at that time, it was incredibly popular amongst Russian youth. If they only knew what they were watching was basically a TV movie with little to no excitement!
As for me, knowing that the real Hangar 18 was at Wright-Patterson (originally Wright Field) AFB in Dayton, Ohio — close to my Pittsburgh home — gave me even more sleepless nights and dreams of being taken away to my true home planet.
If you are in a 1980’s slasher movie and have kids, never let them see you have sex. Chances are, you are either going to die or they are going to grow up to be complete maniacs. Possibly both!
Cathy (Jenny Neumann, Hell Night) is one of those kids. When she was little, she caught her mom having sex in a really weird position that didn’t look plausible. And then, her mom’s boyfriend was making out with her while they drove in the car. She tried to get them to stop. However, she caused her mother’s death in a car crash, with a piece of glass ending up in her throat.
Sixten years later and Cathy has become Helen. She’s an actress in a play called Comedy of Blood, but everyone keeps getting killed with shards of glass. There’s no real guesswork here — you can pretty much figure out the killer from the first few moments of the movie.
All I have to recommend this movie on is that Brian May did the soundtrack and that it is also called Stagefright, but you’d be much better off watching the Soavi film of the same name. It’s so much better that at the end of this movie, I kept wondering, “Why am I not watching the real Stagefright?”
After failing to sell Halloweenproducer Irwin Yablans on his pitch for a movie, director Paul Lynch ran with the suggestion that he set his film during a holiday. A prom seemed like a pretty big event and it tied in well with a story writer Robert Guza had created that was all about childhood trauma coming back to haunt people. Once Jamie Lee Curtis signed to be in the film (Brady Bunch star Eve Plumb was also up for the role), all that was left was to make the movie.
The film starts in 1974, when Wendy, Jude, Kelly and Nick are playing some weird game that seems like hide and seek but has them screaming, “The murderers are coming!” Maybe this is a game that kids play in Canada that teaches them that if they are not polite, they will be killed.
Another girl, Robin, tries to join in but they start chasing her while yelling, “Kill! Kill!” They back her up toward a window which she falls out of to her doom. Instead of telling the police, the kids make a pact to never reveal the truth. After Leonard Mench, a sex offender, is caught in the area, he is blamed and jailed for the crime.
Six years later, Robin’s family celebrate the memorial of her death while her twin brother Alex and teenage sister Kim (Curtis) prepare for the prom. Their parents will also be at the prom, as Mr. Hammond is the school principal He’s played by Leslie Nielsen, adding some star power before everyone would only know him as a serious actor. In fact, Airplane! would come out the same month as this movie.
Kelly, Jude and Wendy (Anne-Marie Martin, billed here as Eddie Benton, former wife of Jurassic Park creator Michael Crichton) have all started getting obscene calls while Nick never answers the phone. They’re all too worried about the prom, after all. Kim and Nick have been dating, Jude is going with goofball Slick Crane and Kelly is going with Drew (and he cannot wait for afterward, so they can have sex). Wendy used to date Nick and now, she is going to the prom with school bad boy Lou to embarrass her former friends.
There are so many bad omens: the locker room mirror is cracked and a shard is missing; Leonard Mench has escaped; and Wendy, Jude and Kelly have discovered their yearbook photos stabbed with glass and placed in their lockers.
Everyone still goes to the prom, where most of the drama is the triangle between Kim, Nick and Wendy. Disco was still somewhat around — it’s never really died to be honest — when this was released. Dig that dancing goodness.
Kelly and Drew are getting hot and heavy, but she refuses to go all the way. He leaves just in time for a giallo-style black-clad killer to slit her throat with a shard of the mirror. This same killer kills Jude and Slick after they share a joint and do some dancing — horizontal style — in his van.
The sex offender has been caught, so the police stop scrutinizing the prom. Yep, three kids are dead under their noses and they just move on. Maybe this really is a giallo with a police force this bad at their jobs!
Actually, that number is increasing, as the killer has an axe and he chases Wendy through the school, finally killing her just after she finds Kelly’s corpse.
Will Prom Night only be a slasher movie? Nope. It’s going to have a Carrie scene as well, in addition to trying to be Saturday Night Fever! Kim and Nick are just about to be crowned king and queen when Lou and his gang tie up Nick and steal his crown. Lou gets ready backstage and the killer thinks he’s Nick and well, his head rolls as the prom dancers run in abject terror.
Kim frees her boyfriend and they run from the killer, who only attacks him. She grabs the axe and hits the masked man in the head before realizing who it is — her brother! Turns out he watched the kids kill their sister and has been waiting for revenge. She tries to stop the cops from shooting him, but the axe wound does him in and our heroine cries at the death of her brother.
Wow. Who knew Canadians were so nihilistic? What a dark ending! Prom Night is a great slice of 80’s fun that really has nothing in common with any of its sequels. But that’s fine.
There were tons of deleted scenes that actually revealed that Alex and Robin were twins and others that made Mr. Hammond look like the killer. To pad the running time and make up for censored gore, many of these missing scenes and characters were added back into the film for the TV version.
If you really think about it, Halloweenstarts with Jamie Lee Curtis’ sister getting killed and then her brother ends up being the killer. The same thing happens here — except no one would know the family relationship between Laurie Strode and Michael Meyers until 1981’s Halloween 2.
Want to watch it for yourself? Grab the Synapse blu-ray or watch it on Shudder!
Oh Canada. Your horror movies are so strange, so unlike anywhere else, as you remain such a polite country, our neighbor to the north. What strange horrors have you brought to me today? Oh look — it’s 1980’s Funeral Home, otherwise known by the much better title Cries in the Night.
Heather (Lesleh Donaldson, Curtains, Happy Birthday to Me) is spending the summer in a small town with her grandmother, who has turned her home, which was once a funeral home, into a quaint inn. Her husband’s been missing for several years, so she also makes ends meet by selling artificial flowers. She even has her own handyman, Billy, who is mentally challenged.
The only problem is that when people check in, they end up missing. Like that unmarried adulterous couple. And that real estate developer. And when Heather comes home at night, she hears her grandmother talk to someone who isn’t there.
Well, it seems like Heather’s grandfather was having an affair with Helena Davis, which her grandmother denies to everyone, including Helena’s husband (Barry Morse, the Inspector from TV’s original The Fugitive) — who is soon murdered with a pickaxe.
Heather and her boyfriend Rick start investigating, finally finding the corpse of her grandfather. Now, Maude speaks with his voice and comes after them with an axe. Luckily, the police arrive just in time.
As the credits roll, the cops explain all of it to us. It’s such a weird ending, with an overly long explanation fighting for screen time with the names of the gaffers.
This movie just felt like a slog. I continually kept checking to see how much more time was left. I hate when movies make me do that.
Sure, I may not have enjoyed Funeral Home. But you can check it out for yourself. It’s on Shudder and Amazon Prime.
Oh, and if you’re a purveyor of films with ripped off artwork, then check out Through the Fire, which steals Funeral Home‘s theatrical and VHS artwork. Becca, the “B” of B&S About Movies, chimed in with her insights as part of the film’s inclusion on Mill Creek’s Chilling Classics box set.
Jamie Lee Curtis. A train. A murderous slasher. And David Copperfield. Yes, Terror Train is unlike any other slasher that ever came before or since.
Directed by Roger Spottiswoode, who was also in the chair for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, this movie was totally conceived as Halloween on a train. Jamie Lee had just finished filming Prom Night, so she jumped back on the slasher, err, train one more time.
Much like Slaughter High, a prank puts all of this in motion, as Alana (Jamie Lee) is coerced into pulling a joke on frat pledge Kenny Hampson that uses a female corpse, because you know, humor. Kenny doesn’t get the joke, goes nuts, gets put in a mental asylum and then, of course, breaks out and kills nearly everyone.
But what about David Copperfield, you may ask. Well, he’s all over this movie, both doing illusions and being a red herring. His scenes with Jamie Lee make the screen smolder with pure sex. I’m totally lying to see if you’re paying attention.
Ben Johnson, Captain Morales from the original The Town That Dreaded Sundown shows up as a train conduction. And hey! There’s Vanity (credited as D.D. Winters) years before she’d meet up with Prince, star in Action Jackson and Tanya’s Island, then got heavy into drugs and dating Rick James, Adam Ant (who wrote the song “Vanity” about her on the Strip album), Nikki Sixx and Billy Idol. After that, she went into renal failure, found God and later died because her body had endured a lifetime of drug abuse.
I really like the killer’s gimmick of continually switching masks. It’s pretty effective and leads you to wonder who really is behind things, even if the opening totally gives the identity away.
Shout! Factory re-released this on blu-ray recently, but it’s already out of print! Oh man! If you find a copy, grab one!
Did Roger Corman sit in a room screaming, “Make me more amphibian monster movies NOW!” into the telephone? Because this week, that’s the feeling that I’m getting. This time, Barbara Peeters got the call (Joe Dante turned this one down), although the final film was nothing like she wanted it to be and she tried — and failed — to get her name removed from the credits.
Fishermen catch what looks like a monster. Then, the son of one of them is dragged under the waves by an unseen beast. Another fisherman fires a flare gun that sets the whole boat on fire, killing everyone. Pre-credits, this movie is already meaner and better than most of what we’ve watched this week.
Jim Hill (Doug McClure, TV’s The Virginian) and his wife Carol (Cindy Weintraub, The Prowler) see the boat blow up and then their dog gets eaten (and his remains thrown up on their porch). So yeah. Things are off to quite the start.
Meanwhile, Jerry and Peggy (Lynn Schiller, Without Warning) are swimming and fooling around, but Jerry ends up torn apart and a fishman rapes the girl, causing the director to want to leave the picture. Seriously — they kept her name on the film. Time’s up, Roger Corman.
That scene is repeated with Billy (future ventriloquist David Strassman) and Becky, with yet another fish on female rape. All manner of folks are attacked, but Peggy somehow survives.
Meanwhile, Canco is opening their new canning operation in town. It turns out that the monsters that are fucking everyone to death are the result of Canco using HGH on salmon that were in turn eaten by larger fish who then turned into humanoids. From the deep? Yes. Humanoids from the Deep.
Luckily, Jim and Dr. Susan Drake are on the case. Their big plan? At the town’s fish fest, when the beasts attack, they dump gasoline in the lake and set it on fire. So not only is there no safe zone for women, fuck the environment, too. While all this is going on, Carol is attacked by two monsters but survives. Oh yeah! Vic Morrow is in this mess, too. And if you think Peggy is going to give birth to a fish baby, then you haven’t been watching this film.
Actress Ann Turkel chose to do this film — originally titled Beneath the Darkness — because: “It was an intelligent suspenseful science-fiction story with a basis in fact and no sex.” She was enraged as well at what the final film ended up being.
Corman remade this film for Showtime in 1996, with the sex and violence scaled down. That said, he of course reused the Salmon Festival footage for the remake. Why actually shoot something new?
Well, if you’re looking for a grimy, fishy film, this is it. It’s certainly more entertaining than the last two Roger Corman fish films I suffered through. You can watch the Shout! Factory release to get the best possible version. It’s also on Amazon Prime.
I was watching Amazon Prime the other night and thought I was watching Demon Seed with Julie Christie. Nope. I was really watching this film. I thought with the end of the rental era that box art would never confuse me again! I was wrong!
Lana (Lana Wood, elder sister of Natalie, who is better known as Plenty O’Toole from Diamonds Are Forever) is in a loveless marriage with Carl (Don Galloway, Detective Sergeant Ed Brown on TV’s Ironside). He treats her like absolute shit, as most 70’s husbands tend to do in occult movies.
So she does what you or I would do: she starts fucking Satan.
This movie is basically an excuse to get Lana Wood naked and having sex with an invisible demon. That demon eventually becomes a man played by Kabir Bedi, Gobinda from another James Bond movie, Octopussy.
A quick story from my childhood — I used to love how at the end of movies, it’d say, James Bond will return in… I was watching For Your Eyes Only on HBO while the rest of my family was outside. At pure excitement and mania, I ran as hard as I could for the porch to tell them all that James Bond was coming back (I hadn’t yet grasped the fact that everyone already knew that Bond had a movie every two years, but come on, I was nine). The problem was that my sentence, “JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN Octopussy!” started inside and when I got outside, all anyone heard was “PUSSY!” Suffice to say I got smacked in the mouth pretty hard, as kids tended to get smacked a lot in the early 1980’s.
Britt Ecklund from Asylumand The Wicker Man also shows up as the psychic friend of Lana, Ann-Marie. She’s barely in it, looks great and gets top billing.
Later in the film, Anne-Marie introduces Lana’s husband to the priest that comes to talk to her psychic group — it was the late 70’s/early 80’s and again, these things happened — and I was thinking, man, this priest role is perfect for Joh Carradine. At that very moment, the priest turns to the camera to reveal good old skinny Dracula himself!
Also known as Dark Rage, Demon Eyes, Fury of the Succubus and Incubus, this movie is pretty much The Entity if the sex was consensual. And enjoyed. And more graphic. And happened more often.
I’m basically telling you that if you love movies about possession and demons having sex with attractive former Bond girls, this is pretty much the movie for you.
Writer/director James Polakof brought over several folks from this movie to make Swim Team, which also has original Buck Rogers/Flash Gordon Buster Crabbe in it. So there’s that. And he also did The Vals, a Valley Girl rip-off with Chuck Connors, Sonny Bonny, John Carradine and Tiffany Bolling in it. Of course, you know I’m going to track that down now.
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