NORTH OF THE BORDER HORROR: Funeral Home (1980)

Oh Canada.Your horror movies are so strange, so unlike anywhere else, as you remain such a polite country, our neighbor to the north. What strange horrors have you brought to me today? Oh look — it’s 1980’s Funeral Home, otherwise known by the much better title Cries in the Night.

Heather (Lesleh Donaldson, CurtainsHappy Birthday to Me) is spending the summer in a small town with her grandmother, who has turned her home, which was once a funeral home, into a quaint inn. Her husband’s been missing for several years, so she also makes ends meet by selling artificial flowers. She even has her own handyman, Billy, who is mentally challenged.

The only problem is that when people check in, they end up missing. Like that unmarried adulterous couple. And that real estate developer. And when Heather comes home at night, she hears her grandmother talk to someone who isn’t there.

Well, it seems like Heather’s grandfather was having an affair with Helena Davis, which her grandmother denies to everyone, including Helena’s husband (Barry Morse, the Inspector from TV’s original The Fugitive)  — who is soon murdered with a pickaxe.

Heather and her boyfriend Rick start investigating, finally finding the corpse of her grandfather. Now, Maude speaks with his voice and comes after them with an axe. Luckily, the police arrive just in time.

As the credits roll, the cops explain all of it to us. It’s such a weird ending, with an overly long explanation fighting for screen time with the names of the gaffers.

This movie just felt like a slog. I continually kept checking to see how much more time was left. I hate when movies make me do that.

Sure, I may not have enjoyed Funeral Home. But you can check it out for yourself. It’s on Shudder and Amazon Prime.

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