This is the only movie Bruce Marchiano has directed, and man, he hit it out of the park the first time out.

Alison (Chanel Marriott) is trying to get an abortion, but as fate would have it, Jesus (also Marchiano) is the janitor who alternates between being chill and just breaking down in tears. Only she can see him, but so can other people who each get their own version of the Son of God.

This is a film that counters pro-choice arguments at every stage. And then there’s Ricky, who pressures Alison into this. Jesus even tells him to be a man at one point, but Ricky may be the greatest of all monsters. There’s an abortionist who refers to her child as a growing lump of tissue and a nurse who only cares about her three cats. She’s just celebrated her abortion 5,000; one wonders if you get a loyalty card.

There’s a fantastic moment when Alison gets to interview Jesus, whose favorite song is “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” and whose favorite movie is Ben-Hur. No matter what, mankind will never make anything better than the chariot race. We should just give up.

You can watch this on Tubi.

IMDB says: “Basically the Christian version of Rocky.

Also according to that movie site, Chip Rossetti “has dedicated his career to making movies ONLY in the Christian, Faith-Based and Family genres, and has written, directed and/or produced over 70 feature films and TV shows in these genres.”

Jake Taylor (Tommy Lee Thomas) was once a boxer, but he screwed up and left the sport of kings. Now he sells furniture, and it’s not going well. His wife is ready to leave him, and her mother is basically paying for her to stay away. 

Arnold’s best friend, Franco Columbu, is in this. So are T.C. Stallings (also in War Room), Jeremy London (how did I see two movies with him in them in the same day?), and Donald James Parker, CEO of Sword of the Spirit Publishing and Gramps from Gramps Goes to College.

If you have ever seen a single boxing movie, you know what happens in this. Also: If you pray hard enough, God gives you the power to demolish weaker people with your fists.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This film begins with firefighter Mark Taylor (Chris Nelson) rescuing everyone from a crackhouse fire, except for one small boy. Ever since, his PTSD has manifested itself as horrific dreams. He refuses to take his meds, retires and struggles with only his wife, Mary Jo (Karen Boles), able to help. 

Every night, he dreams that a demon is trying to drag him to Hell. His wife prays for help and receives it when God talks to her husband, telling him that Donald Trump will be the President. Unfortunately for Mark, Barack Obama got the office instead. 

A decade into his PTSD journey, Mark meets a new doctor, Don Colbert (Don Brooks). He feels well enough to share his dreams with him and ends up speaking with his wife, Mary (Paulette Todd). From here on out, it’s Mary’s movie, as she gets her phone tree activated and works to pray Trump into the White House using a shofar, an ancient horn, to pray into. 

Trump wins, and that’s when the movie turns into “a panel of world leaders, those being notable conservatives and evangelicals, answering political questions.” Those would include Michele Bachmann, David Barton, Lance Wallnau and William G. Boykin. There are also several music videos inside the narrative.

A true story, this is based on Taylor’s book The Trump Prophecies: The Astonishing True Story of the Man Who Saw Tomorrow… and What He Says Is Coming Next. If you’ve ever wondered why Israel is such a big deal, well, the prophecy said that Trump would unite the U.S. and the country. 

Producer Rick Eldridge pitched the idea of a film adaptation of Taylor’s book to Stephan Schultze, who was the executive director of Liberty University’s Cinematic Arts group. The program had previously been involved in the making of five feature films, as it attempted to incorporate one full-length movie every year into its curriculum.”

Prophecy has always been a big thing, but now, it has a name, a Pentecostal evangelical movement called the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). C. Peter Wagner, who coined the term, called it “the most radical change in the way of doing church since the Protestant Reformation.” On the other side, the Southern Poverty Law Center said that NAR is “the greatest threat to American democracy that most people have never heard of.” NAR follows dominion theology, which believes that in order for Jesus to return, the world must turn Christian. Trump’s moving of the Israeli embassy is another step towards fulfilling the dominion theology.

Director Stephan Schultze did special effects on Tremors and craft services on The Abyss before directing movies like this and God’s Compass. 

My favorite part of this movie is the montage of numerous Christians reacting to the news that God wants them to pray for Trump, as well as the prayer chain scene on an airplane where a man laughs throughout, and everyone makes fun of religion, but we just know Trump is going to win. This doesn’t get into what he did in office, how he lost the next election, January 6, or anything after that. But you don’t need to think too hard. You just need to give in, give up and get God. 

There is little difference between low-budget horror and this movie. They both have absurd plots, flat lighting and 20 minutes thanks to the credits.

You can watch this on Tubi.

I watched this and had no idea that Pastor Dan was Anakin Skywalker. 

Dan barely lived through a car crash, and while people thought he was dead, he was really visiting Heaven.

This was directed by Michael Polish, who usually works with his twin brother Mark. 

Anyways.

“Pastor Don Piper died January 18, 1989, when a semi-tractor truck crushed his car. Declared dead by the first rescue workers to arrive on the scene, Don’s body lay under a tarp for the next 90 minutes. Don’s soul, meanwhile, was experiencing love, joy, and life like he’d never known before. Don was in Heaven.”

That’s what they say, and who are we to tell them any differently?

He may have spent 90 minutes in the afterlife, but this movie is two hours long.

Kate Bosworth is in this, too. She’s the director’s wife.

What’s wild is that Common Sense Media gave this two stars out of five. I love this quote: “…he’s diagnosed with double pneumonia, a seeming death sentence. As the audience hangs on what may come next, neither the breathing nor the pneumonia are ever mentioned again.”

This was produced by Family Christian Entertainment, founded by Rick Jackson, owner of Family Christian Stores, the largest Christian retail chain in the United States.

This is one of my favorite IMDB notes ever: The song “I Hope You Dance” was performed and released by Lee Ann Womack in the year 2000; the movie takes place in 1989.

This doesn’t cross over into the everyday Christian film moments where the world is against believers and non-Christians are played by total idiots. There’s a great scene where Dan tells a teenager in a wheelchair that he understands, so if that’s what this movie gave me, good. However, so many characters just show up, something important happens, and we never hear about them — or the moment — again.

You can watch this on Tubi.

After a career in stage musicals (West Side Story) and choreography, David Winters directed Alice Cooper: Welcome to My Nightmare, The Last Horror Film and Thrashin’ before directing, producing and distributing movies for Action International Pictures, the folks who unleashed Space Mutiny and Blood On the Badge. He also dated Linda Lovelace for some time. 

But of all those things, Dancin’: It’s On! may have brought me the most happiness.

Wendi Carson comes from the reality shows So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars, where she was the partner of Cody Simpson, season 19 winner Alfonso Ribero, Chris Soules, Carlos PenaVega, Von Miller, Vanilla Ice, Chris Kattan, Frankie Munoz, Chris Mazdzer, Mile Manheim, Kel Mitchell, The Miz, Wayne Brady, Danny Amendola and season 34 winner Robert Irwin. Here, she’s a college student, Jennifer Gabriella August, getting to spend the summer at the Hit Parade Hotel with her estranged father, Jerry (Gary Daniels, yes, the martial arts star of Fist of the North Star). He runs a fanciful hotel that seems to feature cosplayers in scenes from movies and lots of dancing. Jennifer has no interest in seeing her dad again, but her mother (August 1986 Playboy Playmate of the Month Ava Fabian) tells her this could be good for her.

She meets a young man named Ken (Chehon Wespi-Tschopp, also from So You Think You Can Dance), an orphan who works as a dishwasher at her father’s hotel. Of course, her father hates him because he’s of a lower caste, which is a lot like Dirty Dancing, as is the dance competition at the end. Her dad would rather she date Danny (Matt Marr, who was on So You Think You Can Dance Canada), a rich kid who belittles Ken, calling him an orphan in dialogue that feels like Charles Dickens, but if Charles Dickens were really David Prior, of all people, who co-wrote this.

Man, this is a weird place. It’s run, sort of, by The Captain (Russell Ferguson, winner of So You Think You Can Dance season 6). You get picked up at the airport by a mime, which is more terrifying than being picked up in a rainstorm on the way to the Tanz Akademie. 

The Hit Parade Hotel has a website, made just for this movie and looking very 1995, much less 2015. It says, “Everyone who works at our resorts and at our restaurants is an entertainer. Our waiters are great but they are also great singers and dancers. Our bartender can mix great drinks but they can do magic while juggling the bottles and the mixers. When our chef cooks your crapes or your jumbo shrimp both vegetarian and not, they fly through the air, spinning and surrounded by rings of fire. The food is delicious and we encourage you to play with your food. Our bellhops, the concierges, the receptionists, the porters and even our cleaning and security staff all provide great services but they also go out of their way to entertain you and to make your stay pleasant, enjoyable and exciting. Your kids will love it and you will feel like a kid again, as you are serviced by staff dressed in costumes and acting out scenes from your favorite movies. We also provide ample opportunity for you to participate in the fun and to appear in one of our television programs, music videos and films that we are producing on premises almost every day.” 

Ken is in love with Jennifer in like, a second, so he forgets all about his dance partner Shotsy (Jordan Clark, the winner of So You Think You Can Dance Canada season 4 and if you’re like me and prefer redheads, well…you’ll be debating Ken’s life choices), who he’s supposed to dance with in the Florida Statewide Dance Contest. Jennifer is jealous that Shotsy dances with Ken, so she decides to dance with Danny, but Hal Sanders (Winters) is a vet who has late-night flashbacks of helicopters exploding and oh yeah, he also used to be a dancer. He decides that Ken and Jennifer should be a dancing couple and choreographs their routine.

This movie has moments like Ken breaking out into an angry dance that goes on seemingly for hours, as well as Jennifer’s sad walk through the tourist town of Panama City, surrounded by giant penguins and SUVs that pull up and start instant salsa dance parties. She’s also crying in public, and the mime shows up and cries too. Wow. I don’t think I’ve genuinely laughed this hard in decades.

We also get a Panama City travelogue moment, and I think more movies should do this. There’s even a song about the city, which made me think they might have gotten a discount for shooting there. In fact, that’s probably exactly what happened.

The dialogue is all looped; Ken yells things like, “You wouldn’t know the first thing about dancing!” and Winters looks like Butcher Vachon, which makes his dancing even more lovely. And why does the dad open all of his daughter’s gifts instead of letting her? Is he that much of a control freak? Did the dance contest move so many people that Dad likes Ken, Mom gets back together with Dad, and even Danny becomes a nice person? Can dance do all of that?

Or how about the song, “Proud To Know I Love Ya?” It may have lyrics like this: “I know you’ve had a history of lovers / I hear it’s turned you off all the others / But I’m the one you’ve been waiting for / I see you scream at people all the time / When you get mad it makes me hot inside / Don’t make me sleep outside your door! / Cuz baby I know, you know, you’re scared to be alone / I’d run five hundred miles to prove I love ya! / I’d hold you in my arms till my final day / I’d kiss your lips all the time to prove I love ya! / I would give up my life / If it’s the last thing I do / Just to prove, Just to prove I love ya!” but Ray Isaac accidentally gave the film the demo version, in which the lyric “I would even try being a lesbian” is sung. This is a family film about the power of dance.

Best of all, this was almost called East Side Story. This is from the man who named his company West Side Studios.

More movies need angry dance scenes where dudes throw chairs into the pool.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The best Letterboxd reviewer, pd187, summed this one up: “nicki clyne (age 21, playing a lollipop-sucking raver teen) married allison mack & now runs the NXIVM cult – the only one who didnt go to prison.”

Imagine a world where everyone wears JNCO jeans and skateboards, a place where an aging stoner can raise Zolar (Jordan Hoffart, a pro skateboarder who now owns Black Plague Brewing), an alien who looks like a blue version of Capricon from Get Street Smart: A Kid’s Guide To Stranger Dangers. If you got that reference, you’re with friends.

A bunch of skater kids add him to their group, and yes, that’s Nicki Clyne playing Keiko, the girlboss of this. She slept with Keith Raniere for ten years and got a green card by marrying Allison Mack. Oh yeah, she was also on the new Battlestar Galactica. Jason Ellis was in this way before he tattooed his whole head. And I have no idea how they talked C. Thomas Howell into being in it, much less playing an evil alien.

Directed by Carl Goldstein and written by John Derevlany, this is all part of the grand awakening project, where we’ll all be fine with aliens coming here, because they can be rad and shred. But they won’t. They’ll eat us.

This was on Kids WB, and remember when there was a network with a singing frog? The WwwwwwwwwwwB!

You can watch this on Tubi.

Pete Vinal made a vanity project: a movie he directed, wrote, produced, and stars in as Pete Weaver, once the most excellent break dancer in the world. But now, he needs to get his daughter an expensive medical treatment, or she’ll die, and he just lost his dad, who has finally invented something amazing, but then bled to death after a heart attack just before they were about to go get ice cream.

It’s time to dance.

Also, to compound all of this, Pete gets fired from his job because a corrupt coworker steals his invention — not the new administrative assistant, whom he keeps yelling at for smoking — and claims it as his own. To make things worse, he then claims Pete stole it from him.

This movie doesn’t understand how patents work: Pete did patent his invention, the Drink Genie, but instead of speaking up, he just gets fired. If you’re wondering, did the real Pete Vinal invent a genuine Drink Genie? You get it. 

Meanwhile, instead of getting a job, he reunites his old dance crew. He doesn’t tell his wife — “because you know how women are” his words, not mine) — and she thinks she’s cheating. When she worries, she calls a friend who basically tells her she’s wrong and that, because Pete goes to church — although he later claims to be lapsed, yet he prays throughout the movie — there’s no way he could ever cheat on her.

Of course, Pete is vindicated. He isn’t cheating on his wife. His invention belongs to him, and he’s been rehired, but his enemy has just been demoted, which is weird because now he and Pete have to work together. And then his crew has a twenty-minute-long dance competition with Ice Man and his crew. Ice Man may be younger and, reasonably, black, so one would assume he’d defeat Pete. And then he does, except that he donates his prize money to Pete’s family, but then a charity organization pays for all of Pete’s daughter’s hospital bills, so none of this mattered. Pete could have done nothing, and we’d be back here.

However, the end of this movie is horrifying.

We discover that it’s all been a painting that we saw someone starting in the park at the beginning of the story. Yes, every life, every soul, it’s all erased when it’s painted over. And look at Pete’s face. He knows. The cosmic erasure of this is a fate worse than death.

Pete went through a Jobian nightmare of death, disease, dancing and despair, only to be erased, as if he and everyone he loved were never born.

According to Dove.com, “Through it all, Pete never gives up hope or loses his faith. Prayer and reverence for God are both frequent elements. However, there are several sexual innuendoes in the film, as well as 19 inappropriate uses of God and Oh God. If these references were removed, the remaining proper references to God will uplift the human spirit.”

A religious movie with a hero everyone wants to have sex with for his ability to breakdance, dressed like The Nutty Professor. I am so glad this found its way to me.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Zhong Jian (Alexander Fu Sheng) drives a carriage, but mostly he gets into fights, trying to be on the side of justice. Everyone in town is sick of him because, even with the best intentions, he ends up causing so many problems. Even his martial arts teacher tells him to stop fighting.

However, the fighting lessons of Choy Li Fut will make him a better man.

This even starts with a short history of the style, with Fu Sheng performing it and discussing its origins and how it evolved.

I loved the last battle because, unlike so many movies that have training sequences, here you actually get to see the training footage matched with how Zhong Jian fights and how what he learned has made him the fighting master and hero that he is now.

Chang Cheh, you did it again.

This Eureka release has a commentary track by East Asian film expert Frank Djeng (NY Asian Film Festival) and martial artist and filmmaker Michael Worth. You can get it from MVD.