Steve Guttenberg returns as Colton West in the sequel to Lavalantula. Once again, giant lava spitting spiders are killing people, but this time it’s in Florida, where Colton’s stepdaughter is on spring break. Guttenberg’s former Police Academy co-stars Michael Winslow and Marion Ramsey are back to help stop them including biggest lavantula of them all — the Gargantulantula.

When Steve Guttenberg gives his inspirational speech, saying “There are no aliens in Florida,” Tahnee Welch and Tyrone Power, Jr. are there They are playing their roles from Cocoon and Cocoon: The Return, a fact that is probably lost on everyone but maniacs like you and me.

SyFy and their damn movies got me to watch this by not only featuring Guttenberg, Winslow and Ramsey, but throwing in Martin Kove. Some people are suckers for their favorite hot actresses. I show up for Martin Kove in movies. Such is my lot in life.

If you want to watch a bad CGI giant monster movie about spiders that lay eggs in people and basically fart out fire, I can’t stop you. I can’t tell you not to make the mistakes I made. I can only wish you the best.

There’s only one reason why I watched this Sharknado-esque movie. It’s right there on the poster: featuring the cast of Police Academy.

Yes, Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow, Marion Ramsey and Leslie Easterbrook are in this. Obviously, my devotion to you, dear reader, and the legacy of Carey Mahoney knows no limit.

Guttenberg plays Colton West, a former movie star stuck in direct to streaming movies, who is now facing off with spiders that have come out of a volcano.

This is one of those “full of people” movies, with Patrick Renna (Ham from The Sandlot), singer Nia Peebles, Ralph Garman (a familiar comedy face) and Danny Woodburn all making appearances.

Here’s something that makes me happy. After the producers told Guttenburg he could choose any of his past colleagues to be in the film, he picked his Police Academy friends, along with Peeples from Tower of Terror and Patrick Renna from The Big Green.

There’s even a Blue Oyster reference and a short crossover with Ian Ziering playing his role of Fin Shepard from Sharknado. Most of the cast would also return for the sequel, 2 Lava 2 Lantula. Martin Kove is in that as well, so it’s like the filmmakers are basically demanding that I watch it.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

When it comes to the youth against authority genre, you really can’t go wrong with Neal Israel. Just look at his resume. Beyond directing  Bachelor Party, he wrote Police Academy, Moving Violations and Real Genius. Here’s a weird fact: he was once married to Amy Heckerling, but they divorced after making Look Who’s Talking Too together. You know what else helped? Israel believed their daughter, Mollie, was his until a DNA test proved that she was really the daughter of Harold Ramis.

Originally airing on NBC on November 23, 1986, this movie is all about Max Mendelsson (Keith Gordon, who seemingly was in everything) and Perry Barnett (Wally Ward), two pranksters who cause so much damage that a judge (Sherman Hemsley) sends them to Kirkland Military School.

There, they run afoul of Cadet Major Biff Woods (George Clooney!), who is trying to prove himself to his father, General Edward “Ed” Woods (Robert Culp) who runs the school along with Colonel Frierick (Jamie Farr).

I can hear you asking so let me answer. Yes, as this movie was made in 1986, Richard Moll is definitely in it. He and Keith Gordon being in the same movie, well…if Michael Caine had been there as well, the world would have ended. We got close with Dressed to Kill. This would be the other time that the world skirted so close to oblivion, with these multi-movie stars all so close to aligning and unleashing the end of all things.

It also has the late Dana Hill from National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Bernie Kopell (Doc from Love Boat), Dick Van Patten, Tina Caspary (Mac and Me, Teen Witch), John Ratzenberger and Marc Price (Ragman from Trick or Treat).

Before Neal Israel’s connection with Police Academy, you may have seen this movie as Combat High. It was renamed in syndication.

You can watch this on YouTube:

Although it is marketed in some regions as a sequel to The Hills Have Eyes and The Hills Have Eyes Part II under the titles The Hills Have Eyes III and The Hills Still Have Eyes, there are no actors, characters or even storylines from either of those movies. It does, however, have producer Wes Craven, whose son Jonathan wrote this movie.

It’s directed by Joe Gayton, who went on to write the movies Bulletproof and Faster.

Set in a remote desert location — hence the title The Outpost , as well as the tenuous connection to The Hills Have Eyes — where government scientists are trying to bring back suicides as superhumans, this movie is all about the dark side of experimenting on the dead. There is no good side of this, by the way.

Stockton (Lance Henriksen, who deserves better) is a scientist called in to help oversee the project. He’s joined by his son Scott (Giovanni Ribisi, who despite this being his first role, deserves better), daughter Wendy (Natasha Gregson Wagner, Urban Legend, who also deserves better) and her boyfriend Mark (Adam Solomon, who never made a movie after this, so maybe he didn’t deserve better). After all, an uncontrollable test subject named Thor is loose and must be contained.

This was one of the first movies shot in Bulgaria after the fall of Communism. I’m sorry, Bulgaria.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi. It’s also available with Rifftrax commentary on Tubi.

Thanks to our friends at Nickelodeon, Paramount Home Entertainment and Click Communications, we have one FREE copy of this new Spongebob DVD! Read through and find out how below!

SpongeBob SquarePants was created by the late marine science educator and animator Stephen Hillenburg for Nickelodeon. After the cancelation of Rocko’s Modern Life, he had been working on a book called The Intertidal Zone, that he hoped would teach his students about the undersea world. It’s also inspired by Ween’s 1997 album The Mollusk.

Tom Kenny was asked to be the voice for a character originally called SpongeBoy, which was changed as that name was already trademarked. Since then, it’s gone on to make over $13 billion — that’s right, billion — dollars worth of merchandise revenue for Nickelodeon.

The fifth-longest-running American animated series, it remains the highest-rated series to air on Nickelodeon and is ViacomCBS Domestic Media Networks’ most distributed property.

The series chronicles the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his aquatic friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. Beyond Sponge Bob, there’s his snail Gary, his goofy friend Patrick Star, co-worker Squidward Tentacles and Sandy Cheeks.

Bikini Bottom Bash is a compilation of party-themed Sponge Bob episodes, containing the episodes SpongeBob’s Big Birthday Blowout, Sun Bleached, The Slumber Party, Party Pooper Pants and Truth or Square. Other than containing the aforementioned Party Pooper Pants, this has nothing to do with the VHS compilation of the same name that was released in 2003.

While the Bikini Bottom gang was born years past my expiration date for watching Nickelodeon, I have to admit that it’s a lot of fun. Even David Hasselhoff, Eddie Deezen, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Gilbert Gottfried show up! I kind of love that a Peter Lorre-looking fish shows up, as if kids would have any idea of who that is. I loved the mix of live-action and animation, like seeing the real actors playing their roles. Plus, the tribute to Hillenburg was a nice touch.

You can grab this DVD today from Paramount Home Entertainment and Nickelodeon Home Entertainment at this Amazon link. It’s got a really great price and I think it’d be a great way to keep the kids inside and occupied while making sure that grown-up kids are entertained, too.

DISCLAIMER: Thanks to Paramount Home Entertainment and Nickelodeon Home Entertainment for sending this our way. Of course, our review is not impacted by their generosity.

To win: Just share this article on Facebook or Twitter, then enter a comment below! One random winner will get a copy sent to them absolutely free! As a reminder, the shipment of product and giveaway prizes may be delayed due to current world events. Good luck!

Back in 1998, before the Marvel Cinematic Universe was a thing, the best Nick Fury could rate as a TV movie on the Fox Network. And playing the man who put together the Avengers? Oh, you know. David Hasselhoff.

Written by David S. Goyer, who also worked on the Blade and Dark Knight films, and directed by Rod Hardy (who also remade High Noon), this is a blast from Marvel’s past that they hope you don’t remember.

The film concerns Nick Fury coming out of retirement to battle Hydra and the daughter of Wolfgang Von Strucker (Sandra Hess, Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation). Lisa Rinna shows up as Val, Fury’s one-time love and our hero also meets back up with old friends Dum-Dum Dugan and Gabriel Jones.

The actual Jim Steranko-written and drawn Nick Fury series takes the Eurospy genre and makes it even more cinematic and exciting on the comic book page. I’ve always had the dream that someday, someone would try and make something of these stories.

This would not be it.

That said, Hasselhoff is actually pretty good in this. The Agents of SHIELD almost had a Cannon film, but have done pretty well with their ABC series that ties into the movies. It just wasn’t the right time back in the mid-90’s.

You know how I’ve discussed how Eurospy films often feel like the United Nations, what with so many countries working together to make these movies? This American/French/Austrian made-for-television spy and anti-drug film — also known as Danger Grows Wild — was made with the United Nations themselves as part of a series of television specials designed to promote the organization’s work. It was produced by Xerox.

So how does it tie-in to Bond? Well, 007 director Terence Young is at the helm — he passed up Thunderball to direct this — and it’s based on a story by Ian Fleming.

In an attempt to stop the heroin traffic at the Afghanistan–Iran border, some United Nations operatives inject a trackable radioactive compound into a seized shipment of opium and let it go go back into the wild to try and find Europe’s top heroin distributor.

German-born Sente Berger — who is also in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. film The Spy with My Face and The Ambushers — is here, as is Stephen Boyd (Ben-Hur), Yul Brynner, Angie Dickinson, Georges Geret, Hugh Griffith (another Ben-Hur alumnus), Jack Hawkins (who took as many roles as he could late in his career before his three-pack-a-day habit stole his voice), Rita Hayworth (!), E.G. Marshell, “If I Had a Hammer” singer Trini Lopez as himself, Marcello Mastroianni, Amedeo Nazzari (a huge Italian star from before World War II and well afterward), Omar Sharif, Barry Sullivan, Nadja Tiller (Death Knocks Twice), Eli Wallach (who won an Emmy for his role), Grace Kelly (this is the only movie she made after retiring from acting in 1957) and Harold “Oddjob” Sakata. Truly, this is the very definition of a star-studded affair.

All of them were paid $1 each to be in this film, with Young working for free.

One of the producers, Edgar Rosenberg, was of course the husband of Joan Rivers. This is the movie where Joan would meet Hayworth and write that she was demanding and incoherent, yet still glamorous. That said, it’s possible that Hayworth was already beginning to suffer from the effects of Alzheimer’s Disease.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Quinn Martin (The Fugitive, The Streets of San Francisco, Barnaby Jones) produced this failed pilot, which stars Roy Thinnes (The Invaders, The Norliss Tapes) as Diamond Head, a secret agent who must stop double agent from stealing a chemical weapon.

He also goes by Johnny Paul, with his cover of being a gambler and ladies’ man living in Hawaii. The double agent, known only as Tree, ends up being Ian McShane.

France Nuyen (Alma from Battle for the Planet of the Apes) is in this, which is ironic, as she was also in the 1963 Charlton Heston movie Diamond Head. She’s joined by Zulu (Kono Kalakaua from Hawaii Five-O), Ward Costello (Bloody Birthday), Eric Braden (Victor from The Young and the Restless) and Eric Christmas (The Changeling).

It was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, whose strange resume saw him making all manner of movies from The Devil’s Daughter, Bug and Jaws 2 to Somewhere In Time, Supergirl and Santa Claus The Movie.

You can watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this movie on Amazon Prime and Tubi. It’s also on YouTube.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This James Bond-influenced made for TV movie/pilot features Bette Davis and is totally worth watching. We originally posted it on December 4, 2018 and have edited it in this post and added new links so that you can stream it for free.

Originally broadcast on January 15, 1972, this film emerged at the tail end of the superspy craze to present a truly insane idea for a weekly series that was never to be: Bette Davis as a villainous vixen who commands an army beneath the Scottish highlands to do her bidding. Imagine if Dr. Evil were the lead in his own show and you have a vague idea of how completely bonkers this movie is.

Arming her men with sonic weaponry and possessing the ability to implant memories that make people do whatever she wants, what the titular vaguely Asian spider lady wants is to get her very own nuclear submarine.

Helping and hindering her in this plan is Anthony Lawrence (Robert Wagner), whose father was a past lover/adversary of Madame Sin. She’s helped by Malcolm De Vere (Denholm Elliot) and a huge army of sycophants, including numerous women who dress like nuns.

If it seems like I am describing a dream I had that is my best film idea ever, this is close. Imagine if Bette Davis were a villainess on The Avengers, but one that — spoiler warning — wipes out every single person who faces her and even dares to imagine kicking the British Royal Family out of Buckingham Palace.

While intended to be an ABC in the U.S. and ITC in the U.K. co-production, this film sadly wasn’t picked up. It’d be hard to see this level of quality continued week in, week out, such as shooting everything at Pinewood Studios.

Madame Sin was directed by David Greene, who was also behind the film version of Godspell and big TV event movies like Roots and Rich Man, Poor Man. One of its writers, Barry Shear, was the director of Wild in the Streets.

Ah the 1970’s, when spy movies like this would just show up as Movies of the Week and then disappear into the ether, only to remain in our subconsciousness or perhaps a replay on the CBS Late Movie.

You can get this from Shout! Factory. Or watch it for free on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

Originally airing March 17, 1976 on ABC, this forgotten third Derek Flint movie sadly deserves to be that way. A pilot for a weekly series, luckily it wasn’t picked up, if the quality of this effort was to be any indication of how bad the show would be. Dead On Target indeed.

Ray Danton — who became a director for TV after this (he also helmed Deathmaster and Psychic Killer) — is Flint. He had a long career in Eurospy films like Secret Agent Super Dragon, Code Name: Jaguar and Lucky, the Inscrutable. This would be his last acting role.

What the film fundamentally gets wrong is the fact that Derek Flint is a man continually looking to better himself and seek a higher plane. Why would he decide to become a normal everyday private investigator? Maybe he was following in the footsteps of Matt Helm, whose Tony Franciosa-starring TV series had him become a gumshoe.

Well, he does exactly that, helping Benita (Gay Rowan, The Starlost, the Robert Fuest-directed Revenge of the Stepford Wives) learn to be a private dick and battle the terrorists known as B.E.S.L.A. (Bar El Sol Liberation Army). They’ve kidnapped an oil tycoon named Wendell Runsler, who must be rescued, which again seems like something Flint would probably have an issue with.

There’s a blink and you’ll miss it appearance by a nascent Kim Cattrall as a secretary. Otherwise, I can’t find much here to recommend to you. Truly, this is the lowest of the low where the Flint movies are the highest of the high.

One of Flint’s lines is “It’s like the blind man said when he passed the fish market. “Hello, ladies!”” That makes no sense. This movie being so horrifically bland doesn’t either.