Barry (Daniel Craig), a young man with a strange device that can paralyze people and play with their emotions, is hired by Touchstone Edwards ad exec Jacqueline Edwards (Ute Lemper). He starts by embarrassing creative Frank (Denis Lawson) and then gets revenge on his boss for Alistair Touchstone (Paul Freeman, Belloq!), the boss she ruined.

They tell me Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. He’s a strange guy. But that’s not why I called this meeting of the five families. The Tahacklies, the Bonettis, the others. The reason I called you all together is this. As Godfather of the Goreleone family, I say its time that we in horrorganized crime stop frighting each other! I want there to be peace amongst us. I want there to be a whole lot of pieces! Which is kind of like the young man in tonight’s tale. He wants a whole lot of something, too, in a nasty nugget I call “Smoke Wrings.””

The device will soon be used to sell more Chalmer’s Chocolates, Amazon Cola, Alanis Lipstick, and Quarter Moonlight Condoms. In truth, it’s all been a plan by Alistair and Jacqueline, who hypnotize their clients and soon, all of England, as they send the inventor to his doom.

Gayle Hunnicutt is in the cast. You may recognize her from Shadows In an Empty Room, The Legend of Hell House, Eye of the Cat and The Wild Angels.

This episode was directed by Mandie Fletcher (Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie) and written by Lisa Sandoval, an associate producer and script supervisor for the show who was also A.L. Katz’s assistant.

This episode was based on “Smoke Wrings” by Vault of Horror #34. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Reed Crandall. It has a man get seduced by a client and his ad idea being taken by her; a cigarette smoking billboard that she uses to kill him before one of the smoke rings kills her. The title makes sense for that story, but not this episode.

Jessica and a slew of passengers are forced to take refuge from a storm at a remote diner when one of the passengers is found stabbed in his seat on a bus to Boston.

Season 1, Episode 18: Murder Takes the Bus (March 17, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

JB is giving a speech to the Maine Sheriffs’ Association and Amos picks her up, only for his car to die. So why not take the bus?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Jane Pascal is played by one of my biggest movie crushes, Linda Blair. Do I have to tell you what movies she was in? I mean, I did a list of Ten Linda Blair films. OK, The Exorcist, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, Born Innocent, Sarah T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic, Airport 1975, Chained Heat, Savage Streets and so many more.

Sheriff Amos Tupper is, as always, Tom Bosely. Will this episode be the time he changes the title of the show to Amos, She Blew?

Ben Gibbons is Michael Constantine, Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Santa from Prancer and has roles in Thinner, Pray for Death and even a turn as The Sorcerer in Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

Steve Pascal is Terence Knox, who was in Children of the Corn II, From a Whisper to a Scream and the TV show Tour of Duty.

Professor Kent Radford is Larry Linville, of course, Major Frank Burns from M*A*S*H*.

Miriam Radford is Rue McClanahan, uniting two of the biggest old lady franchises of the 80s, as The Golden Girls and Jessica, kinda, sorta cross over.

Joe Downing is Albert Salmi, whose true love was the stage, not movies or TV. Yet he would be on Daniel Boone and play Alonzo P. Tucker on Lost in Space. He was also in Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Viva Knievel!, Caddyshack, Superstition, Empire of the Ants and more. Sadly, he died in a murder-suicide with his second wife, Roberta, who had a restraining order against him.

Don Stroud plays Carey Drayson. Stroud was the son of vaudeville star Clarance Stroud and singer Ann McCormack. After a Hawaiian beach childhood — his mother owned and operated the popular Embers steakhouse/nightclub where she performed — he was picked by Troy Donahue to be his double on Hawaiian Eye. He moved to Los Angeles, where he managed the Whiskey-A-Go-Go before Sidney Poitier got him into acting. He’s in a bunch of the Roller Blade films — he’s Kabuki Devil in Legend of the Roller Blade Seven — as well as showing up in movies like Sweet Sixteen, The Amityville Horror, The Choirboys and Von Richthofen and Brown.

Ralph Leary is played by Mills Watson, who was in Cujo and Up In Smoke.

Cyrus Leffingwell is David Wayne, Dr. Amos Weatherby from House Calls. He was also in the movie version of It’s a Bird… It’s a Plane… It’s Superman! In a Golden Girls moment of trivia, he was Blanche’s father, Big Daddy Hollingsworth, on the show.

John Davis Chandler (Bleak from Adventures In Babysitting) is Gilbert Stoner.

Charles Bazaldua has the role of man. Just a man.

What happens?

If you’re on a bus with Jessica Fletcher and can hear the Psycho music, you are going to die. Everyone on this bus — which Jessica and Amos got on after their car broke down — has no clue. But it’s raining so hard that they decide to stop at the Kozy Korner Kitchen, one of those diners in the middle of nowhere that are open all night and only on TV shows.

One of the men on the bus is a recently released convict who has already battled with Steve Pascal, so is anyone surprised when that criminal ends up dead back on the bus? The crook had been in jail for 15 years. One of his partners died during a robbery and the other has never been seen after the shootout.

Jessica tries to clear her head and goes to play a video game. In a past episode, it was established that Jessica loves arcades.

Amos is on the case. When Jessica tells him that the woman killed by the convict has the same last name as the bus driver, he tells her that he already figured it out. Amos really wants to get going and win a TV set at the police event, but they’re stuck here. Maybe if he solves a case on his own, Jessica will finally give up her Cabot Cove.

Amos is right. The bus driver did stab the guy. But he was already dead.

So who is the killer?

The phone is out, but the CB is working. And yet, someone has a CB radio here, and that too gets destroyed. It gets shot. So everyone is cut off, by the rain, by the lack of phone, by the CB being blown up and now, a killer is loose.

Who did it?

Amos was right. The bus driver did kill the convict. He just tried to make everyone think they were in a giallo.

Who made it?

Another episode directed by Walter Grauman. It was written by Michael Scheff (who wrote Airport ’77) and his wife, Mary Ann Kasica.

Does Jessica get some?

Don’t you think she should show Amos some Happy Days because he finally got it right?

Does Jessica dress up or act drunk?

No, but she does wear a fashionable Burberry trench.

Was it any good?

I mean, this has a fantastic cast. I’ll say yes.

Any trivia?

Salmi is the only Murder, She Wrote suspect who ever really killed someone.

Is there a TV Guide ad?

Yes! Finally!

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Oh, did you reach them?

Sheriff Amos Tupper: Yeah, said we’d be there about 8:00. Probably miss the hors d’oeuvres.

Jessica Fletcher: Well, no serious loss, I’m sure.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: Ms. Fletcher, the Main Sheriffs’ Association lays out the finest spread east of the Alleghenies.

What’s next?

While in the hospital with a fractured leg, Jessica investigates the murder of a doctor.

Elliot (James Frain) has discovered how to read the memories of the dead and to test this theory, he and his girlfriend Arianne (Siobhan Flynn) break into the crypt of a serial killer by the name of Valdemar Tymrak (Roger Ashton-Griffiths), who sold his soul to the devil. Not the best memories to use.

“Greetings, hack-riculture fans. I’ll be with you in a moment. I’ve just got to finish with the Artie-chokes. Come on, Artie, die already! Now, a little water and some fear-tilizer, and before you know it, I’ll be horror-vesting my own little field of screams. You didn’t know your pal the Crypt Keeper had a green thumb, did you? Well, I do. And the rest of me is pretty damn moldy, too! Which brings to mind tonight’s tale. It’s about a scientist who’s a bit of a scare-cropper himself. I call this one “Report From the Grave.””

Directed and written by William Malone (Feardotcom, House On Haunted Hill), this has Elliot become convinced that Arianne is stealing his work, so he kills her with Tymrak’s memories. But then he learns that she was on his side all along and now her spirit is being kept prisoner on the other side of death itself. And that’s how things end, with him unable to save her without bringing back the maniac. He kills himself and Arianne spends the rest of eternity tortured by Valdemar.

In the remake of House On Haunted Hill, Valdemar Tymrak is one of the guests who were invited to the house.

This episode is based on “Report from the Grave” from Vault of Horror #15. A new undertaker must go through an initiation to join the Vault-Keeper’s Club by digging up a recently departed member. It was written by Al Feldstein and WWilliamGaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Jessica sets out to clear the name of a friend who is a prime suspect in a murder case.

Season 1, Episode 17: Footnote to Murder (March 10, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Being friends with Jessica Fletcher is like shaking hands with death itself.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Vincent Baggetta plays Frank Lapinski. You may know him from his other two appearances on this show, as well as playing cops on Days of Our Lives, Renegade, the TV movie Shakedown On Sunset Strip and T.J. Hooker.

Debbie Delancey? That’s Martin Balsam’s daughter Talia, who was also in Mad Men, The Kindred, The Supernaturals, Crawlspace and The Initiation of Sarah. She was also married to George Clooney once.

Tiffany Harrow is played by Morgan Brittany, who was Baby June in Gypsy, as well as Katherine Wentworth on Dallas and appeared in Sundown: The Vampire In Retreat, Death Car On the Freeway, The Initiation of Sarah — making this a reunion, kinda — and was Mary in Sunn Classics’ In Search of Historic Jesus. You may ask, “Why does the Virgin Mary have to be so hot?” Because Sunn Classics knew that despite their movies being G-rated four-walled family movies, they still needed something for daddy. She also did stunts for Fighting Back and The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood. I also love this credit on her IMDB. Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer James Bond Style Speedboat Commercial. You can see it here. Who knew PBR could be so fancy?

Lucinda Lark is played by Constance Forslund, who was in the remake of Village of the Damned, Uncommon Valor and took over the role of Ginger for The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan’s Island.

A.D.A. Mel Comstock? That’s Pat Harrington, forever Schneider from One Day at a Time. He would be in four episodes of this show. He was also the voice of The Atom and Speedy on the Aquaman 1960s cartoon!

Kenneth Mars is Helmsley Post. Speaking of voice work, he was Triton in The Little Mermaid and Grandpa Longneck in The Land Before Time. He was also the mayor in Police Academy 6: City Under Siege and appeared in the Bruce Willis cartoon—yes, he had his own cartoon in 1996—Bruno the Kid: The Animated Movie.

This time, the law is Lt Meyer, played by Ron Masak. Masak would become a regular on the series after season 5, playing Sheriff Mort Metzger.

Diana Muldaur plays Alexis Post. Did I cast this episode? She has also starred in The Swimmer, Imps*, Maneaters Are Loose! and Chosen Survivors.

Hey! It’s Mr. Brady! Robert Reed plays Adrian Winslow. If you only know him from being a TV dad, hunt down his TV movies like SST: Death Flight, Secret Night Caller, Pray for the Wildcats and Haunts of the Very Rich.

Paul Sand as Horace Lynchfield, the presumed killer.

In the more minor roles, there’s John C. Bechner (Dr. Molinaro from Gremlins) as an eye doctor, John Brandon as Ernie, Mark Harrison as an assistant DA, William McDonald as a bailiff, Michael Kearns as a reporter, Nancy Marlow listed as a lady, Bigg Yeager as a cop, Lana Schwab as a clerk, and Larry Carr, Bart Greene, Sam Haggin, Shirley Lang, Richard Niehaus, Norman Palmer, Kimberly L. Ryusaki and Roger Trantham as background characters.

What happens?

Jessica is in New York City to get a Gotham Book Award for being a crime writer. She hangs out with another writer, Horace, a downer, and Kenneth Mars, a jerk. Does Jessica have better writer friends? Are all writers total losers? Hey — don’t answer that so soon.

Horace is getting drunk, another would-be writer named Debbie Delancey keeps trying to get Jessica to read her story, and people just seem to hate one another in New York City (say that like Lazlo from What We Do In the Shadows). She has to break up a fight between some of the writers and wakes up with Hemsley’s umbrella, so she goes to return it. When she gets there, he’s dead, and Downer Horace’s umbrella is stuck in the guy’s chest.

This is where Jessica should just go home.

Of course, this is where she starts to solve the murder.

Somehow, Horace was in bed with Lucinda Lark — can you believe it? — and has an alibi. Lucinda wrote a book called Women Unleashed so we can only assume that she pegged the butt out of Horace. Or hope.

Who did it?

Debbie, who got the famous author to look at her book, was surprised when he tried to show her more than she wanted. Whoops. His death is an accident.

Who made it?

Director Peter Crane worked on nine episodes of the show and episodes of Moonlighting, Darkroom, Knight Rider and Voyagers! The Script was written by Robert E. Swanson, who assembled 87 scripts for it.

Does Jessica get some?

You would think that with her waking up with a man’s umbrella, the answer would be yes. But no. She also doesn’t dress up or act drunk, despite actually drinking.

Was it any good?

I like it when Jessica stays home, but she should get out every once in a while.

Any trivia?

Helmsley Post, the manly writer of war books, and Adrian Winslow, the nonmanly writer of historical novels, are supposed to be writers who hate one another, like Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal. Get it? Post? Mailer?

John C. Becher and Lansbury were in the original Broadway cast of Mame together.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Horace Lynchfield: Now, what I need is some cigarettes and a stiff drink. Let’s get out of here, okay?

Jessica Fletcher: Oh! At the risk of sounding like a nag, Horace, you’re gonna have to do something about your drinking.

Horace Lynchfield: Are you saying to cut back? That would be like depriving a race car of its gasoline.

What’s next?

A great episode is on the way. Jessica is forced to take refuge from a storm at a remote diner when one of the passengers is found stabbed in his seat on a bus to Boston.

Daniel (Steve Coogan) comes to the rescue of Teresa (Julia Sawalha), a homeless pregnant woman with whom he soon falls in love. However, when her baby (Alexander Arcay) is born, he begins to resent the child and contemplates how to dispose of the infant. He even considers selling her to child traffickers. When the baby goes missing, he attempts to acquire another one, seemingly believing that a mother wouldn’t be able to recognize her own child.

“What? Are you blind?! That ball was on the line, pal! Oh, hello, kiddies. I was just warming up for the Wimbletomb Tennis Tournament. Normally I love a bit of stiff competition, but this guy is driving me nuts! Still, the match isn’t over yet. We’re playing beast two out of three. Which brings to mind the man in tonight’s tale. He’s about to play a little die-breaker of his own in a sickening hacks-hibition I call “Kidnapper.””

Directed by James H. Spencer (who spent most of his career as a production designer but was the 2nd unit director on Gremlins 2) and Robin Bextor from a script by John Harrison and Scott Nimerfro, this is the worst-rated episode of the show on IMDB.

Daniel steals another baby, and it ends up being Teresa’s child. His heart was in the wrong place, even if he’s dead now.

Jessica uncovers the ugly side of sportsmanship when she inherits part-ownership of a football team.

Season 1, Episode 16: Sudden Death (March 3, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica knows nothing about football but everything about murder. Guess what happens when she gets to own part of a team?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Potential new owner Web McCord is played by John Beck, Moonpie from Rollerball.

The coach, Pat Patillo, is Warren Berlinger. He was in everything from The World According to Garp to Thunder Alley and The Girl Most Likely To…

Dick Butkus is defensive captain Tank Mason. After a career playing for the Chicago Bears, Butkus has been in many movies and TV shows.

Brad Lockwood is David Doyle, who was Bosley on Charlie’s Angels.

Zak Farrell is played by Bruce — now Caitlyn — Jenner.

Hey! Gary Lockwood from The Farmer! He’s Harris Talmadge!

James McEachin plays Groundskeeper Grover Dillon. He was Lt. Brock on the new Perry Mason TV movies and appeared in Fuzz and Play Misty for Me.

Kathy Farrell is Jan Smithers, Bailey from WKRP In Cincinnati.

Phil Kreuger? That’s Allan Miller from Cruising, the chief of detectives. His wife in this, Mavis, is played by Elizabeth Savage.

Lt. Clyde Pitts is the cop this time, and he’s Tim Thomerson! Yes, Jack Deth! Did you know he used to do stand-up?

In minor roles, we have George Golden, David Lewman, Eric Mansker, Arthur Tovey, Ralph Clift, Albert Lord, Marcianne Warman and Arnold F. Turner.

What happens?

Jessica’s Uncle Cyrus has died, and she’s told by Bradford Lockwood that she’s the part-owner of the Leopards, a football team that seemingly plays in a stadium the size of a high school field. She’s nearly killed by one of those giant helmet vehicles before she even gets to learn more. It’s driven by Jill, the deaf daughter of Zak, a pre-transition Bruce Jenner. We meet them and Zak’s wife, Cathy.

Then we learn that the football team is in trouble. Are you surprised? Morale is low, and people are threatened if they keep losing. Jessica’s co-owner, Phil Kreuger, tries to buy her out for 30 grand. For an NFL team? Sure. Coach Pattillo then offers her 60, and she finds out that a group of investors owns 48%, Kreuger owns 48%, and she just has 4%.

Then Krueger offers her $150,000 and makes a threat on her life.

After a party, of course, Krueger is the one dead in the training room hot tub. Because the last time someone saw the victim was at the party, where Zak was yelling at him, he’s the suspect. After all, someone was making crank calls to Zak’s house, and he blamed Krueger.

When Jessica starts getting too close to the truth, giallo-gloved hands lock her in the steam room and nearly kill her. Grover saves her and then tells a lot of exposition, like how he used to be a player before he got hurt because of Krueger and how if Zak goes to jail, he won’t be on the team, and there will be more money for everyone.

Jessica calls home and talks to Amos. Are they a couple? Well, I have some thoughts on that. Stay tuned…

Who did it?

Web, who wanted to buy the team and killed Krueger. His blazer was wet in a photo, and that’s how Jessica figures it out.

Who made it?

Director Edward M. Abroms worked extensively as an editor—Blue Thunder, Street Fighter, Cherry 2000—and also directed TV shows like Nero Wolf, Man from Atlantis and “Something In The Woodwork” on Night Gallery.

Does Jessica get some?

Oh man, does she. I have photo evidence.

This is where it started, with her dancing with Tank…

And this is how it ends up, with her staring at him nude for an extended period.

One imagines they did some bump and run. She was his ball carrier all the way to completion. And there was plenty of unnecessary roughness.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No.

Was it any good?

Other than the fact that no NFL team would have facilities this poor, yes.

Any trivia?

When Jessica tells how she caught the murderer, she tells the police that she gave him a false clue involving a brass button, saying, “This really wasn’t an original idea. When I was in Los Angeles, a button actually did trip up a killer.” That comes from another episode this season, “Hooray for Homicide.”  That’s funny, because she’s staying at the same hotel in this episode, the Sheraton Universal Hotel, which is on the studio backlot.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Coach Pat Patillo: Mrs. Fletcher, I think you just put my defensive captain on the injured reserve.

Jessica Fletcher: Does that mean that he’s not dead?

Coach Pat Patillo: Not quite.

What’s next?

One of Jessica’s friends is the suspect in a murder. 

After losing their friend Cutter (John Salthouse) in a heist gone wrong, Ford (Ewan McGregor) and Cammy break up. Cammy gets a new lover named Jimmy (Colin Salmon), but Ford isn’t ready to let her go.

“Relationships aren’t about who’s right or wrong. Look, do you remember how you felt about each other when you were newlybleds? Do you want to feel the same way you felt at your marriage scare-emony? Good. Then let go of what you find eerie-tating about each other before it gross too far. Which is the kind of advice the young couple in tonight’s tale should take. They’re fiends and lovers whose relationship is clot between a rock and a horrid place. I call this one “Cold War.””

Directed by Andrew Morahan (who directed the videos for Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” and “Last Christmas,” “Careless Whisper” for George Michael, “November Rain” for Guns ‘n Roses, “West End Girls” for Pet Shop Boys, “Get That Love” by Thompson Twins, “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and so many more videos) and Robin Bextor from a script by Scott Nimerfro, this pulls the classic EC Comics move of setting up one character as a monster only for the other characters to also be supernatural, as Jimmy is a vampire while Ford and Cammy are zombies.

This is based on “Cold War” from Tales from the Crypt #43, which was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Jack Kamen. In that tale, a man marries into a clan of zombies.