CBS LATE MOVIE: A Tattered Web (1971)

EDITOR’S NOTE: A Tattered Web was on the CBS Late Movie on August 7 and November 16, 1972.

This made-for-TV movie originally aired on September 24, 1971 and was soon on the CBS Late Movie. It stars Lloyd Bridges as Sgt. Ed Stagg, an older cop devoted to the daughter he raised alone, Tina (Sally Shockley). Tina’s mother cheated on him and disappeared, so he’s super worried about her new husband, Steve (Frank Converse), whom he keeps catching in the apartment of fallen woman Louise Campbell (Anne Helm). He warns him, he warns her, he shoves her into a wall, she dies. What’s a cop to do?

When he and his partner, Sgt. Joe Marcus (Murray Hamilton), are assigned the case, you can imagine what it does to his mental health. Even since the betrayal of his wife, he’s kept his daughter in the dark, trying to remove anything harmful from her life, keeping her almost as a child. Now that she’s living with her oil worker husband under his roof, he’s trying to do the same thing. Except that the neighbors of the dead Ms. Campbell saw Steve go in and out of her place; Ed’s also left his fingerprints behind on a glass.

So he does what any cop would. He finds a man on death row named Willard Edson (Broderick Crawford) and convinces him that he also killed Campbell. Everyone gets away with it, right? Maybe.

In 74 minutes, director Paul Wendkos and writer Art Wallace provide everyone with great material. Bridges isn’t doing comedy or being a nice old man in this. He’s a lunatic from the start. Converse and Hamilton shine, while Crawford makes a meal of the few moments he’s in the movie.

Like many TV movies, this played in theaters overseas. In Norway and Sweden, it was Alibi. In Spain, The Portals of Eden.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Are You In the House Alone? (1978)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Are You In the House Alone? was on the CBS Late Movie on September 25, 1981, December 9, 1983 and August 10, 1984.

Any time people wonder why women keep pushing harder and harder for their inalienable rights, you should force them to watch this movie, which shows how far our society has come since 1978. There’s a scene in here that literally made us start yelling at the TV set because of how insane it is. Yet forty years ago, this type of thinking was commonplace.

Originally airing on CBS on September 20, 1978, Are You In the House Alone? It is based on the 1976 novel of the same name by Richard Peck.

Gail Osborne (Kathleen Beller, Dynasty) is a high school student dealing with all the pressures of being sixteen, such as discovering her skills as a photographer and dealing with boys who only want sex. Her family has moved away from San Francisco to a new town to escape the dangers of the big city.

She starts dating a guy named Steve (Scott Colomby, Tony from Caddyshack), despite her overprotective parents (Blythe Danner and Tony Bill). Despite this young love blossoming, Gail continues to receive threatening letters and calls from a man who laughs at her. She asks her principal for help and is basically told that it’s probably all her fault for the way she’s treated one of her male classmates.

Gail’s life is pretty much falling apart. Her parents constantly fight, her dad gets back on the wagon, and he gets fired from his job without telling anyone. The letters and calls start to increase, and we have a red herring dangled in our snooping noses in the person of way too involved photography teacher Chris Elden (played by the incredibly named Alan Fudge, who was in Galaxis, My Demon Lover, and Brainstorm).

Surprise — it ends up being her best friend Allison’s (Robin Mattson, who was in Candy Stripe Nurses and a film remarkably similar to this, Secret Night Caller) boyfriend, Phil (Dennis Quaid, who is so young it’ll blow your mind). He attacks her while she’s babysitting the children of Jessica Hirsch (Tricia O’Neil, Piranha II: The Spawning), a lawyer who just happens to be dating the aforementioned Mr. Elden.

The shocking part we mentioned above is that when Jessica becomes Gail’s lawyer, she tells her that there’s a chance no one will put Phil in jail because she’s not a virgin anymore. The world may be a mess these days, but man, in 1978, it was a real mess.

While not technically a slasher — there’s no body count to speak of — the hallmarks of the genre, such as a babysitter being stalked and constantly threatened by a maniac, are all here.

Also, what was it with 1970s made-for-TV movie houses and plants? Every single home in this movie is abundantly lush with vegetation. Every plant is green and thriving, despite the absence of sunlight in any of these homes. How did they do it?

CBS LATE MOVIE: Someone’s Watching Me! (1978)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Someone’s Watching Me! was on the CBS Late Movie on January 21 and June 12, 1981.

John Carpenter was hired by Warner Bros in 1976 to write a script based on the true story of a woman who had been spied on inside her Chicago apartment. The script, High Rise, ultimately became a TV movie that Carpenter was also given the opportunity to direct.

“I thought it was a really, really good idea,” said Carpenter. “So I had my first experience with television. And my first union experience. I got into the Director’s Guild through that. I had a really good time on it, I have to tell you. I met my wife.”

This eighteen-day shoot allowed Carpenter to test many of the techniques that he’d use weeks later when he started work on Halloween.

Originally airing on November 29, 1978 on NBC, this movie concerns Leigh Michaels (Lauren Hutton), who has moved to Los Angeles to escape New York City. As she begins her new career at television station KJHC with new friend Sophie (Barbeau) and a relationship with college professor Paul Winkless (David Birney, who went on to be quite the reader of audiobooks).

However, she’s soon dealing with phone calls and starts receiving unlimited calls. She calls the police, but there’s nothing she can do except wait for the voyeur to come to her.

Fans of Halloween take note: Charlie Cyphers shows up as a cop.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Linda (1973)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Linda was on the CBS Late Movie on September 29, 1975, May 24, 1977 and June 12, 1978.

John D. MacDonald had several of his books turned into movies. The Executioners was filmed twice as Cape FearSoft Touch inspired Man-Trap, plus the novels Darker Than Amber, The Girl, the Gold Watch & EverythingCondominium and A Flash of Green were all made into movies. Even this story was turned into two TV movies with the second starring Virginia Madsen as Linda.

Linda Reston (Stella Stevens) has a bad marriage with Paul (Ed Nelson, The Devil’s Partner), who is daydreaming of leaving her when she suddenly shoots their friend Anne Braden (Mary-Robin Redd) and turns the gun on Anne’s husband Jeff (John Saxon!) while at the beach. Paul calls the cops and when they arrive, Jeff is alive and the twosome accuses Paul of killing Anne.

As you can tell right away, Linda and Jeff are working together to get rid of their spouses and make a new life for themselves. Luckily, Marshall Journeyman (John McIntire, who replaced both Ward Bond on Wagon Train and Charles Bickford on The Virginian when both of those actors died), an elder lawyer, takes on his case and starts to investigate Linda and Jeff.

Paul sneaks out of his cell and soon learns that his wife has been conspiring with Jeff, which leads Journeyman to get the cops in on a scam to call her and try and get a confession. She’s too tough but man, Jeff folds right away. She tells him he’s spineless and also informs her now ex-husband that she won’t be in jail long.

Originally broadcast as the ABC Saturday Suspense Movie on November 3, 1973, this was directed by Jack Smight, who made one of my wife’s favorite movies, No Way to Treat a Lady, as well as Airport 1975The Illustrated ManThe Traveling Executioner, Number One with a Bullet and Damnation Alley.

Stella Stevens is quite wonderful in this. She’s so cold and has everything figured out, yet as she laments, she’s never been able to find a man who isn’t spineless. Her husband can’t even bury a dead animal without having a nervous breakdown, and her lover gets her arrested for murder. I’d love a sequel where we learn how she takes over prison.

Tales from the Crypt S7 E12: Ear Today…Gone Tomorrow ( 1996)

One episode away from the end.

Directed by Christopher Hart (Eat and Run) and written by Steven Dodd and Ed Tapia, this is the story of Glynn Fennel (Robert Lindsay), a safecracker whose hearing is going, which leads to him screwing up his jobs. Mob boss Malcolm Lawson (Richard Johnson) spares his life, on the advice of his wife Kate (Gretchen Palmer). When Malcolm leaves on business, Kate reveals that she has been given the eyes of a cat and can get Glynn the ears of an owl, as long as he breaks into her husband’s safe. She’ll split the money and he can pay his debts.

“Look, lady, I’m sorry if the product made your skin fall off. But we never do ax-changes on sale merchandise! Next! Some people. Maybe at Doom-ingdales the ghost-omer’s always fright. But not here. Attention all Slay Mart choppers! Interested in tonight’s boo light special? (no longer in the microphone) It concerns a couple of crooks who are about to learn the benefits of dying wholesale. I call this bit of gash-and-carry: “Ear Today… Gone Tomorrow.”

The new ears work so well that Glynn shoots Kate and takes the money for himself. Except that now, she has nine lives. Good Lord, shudder, choke…she and her husband are using criminals like him to harvest these animal organs.

In the original EC Comics story, which was in Haunt of Fear #11, two men own a fertilizer factory next to a cemetery and decide to start digging under the graveyard and use that dirt, including some of the bones of dead people. When they go on vacation together, a field of corn comes to life and kills them. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

CBS LATE MOVIE: I, Desire (1982)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I, Desire was on the CBS Late Movie on August 5 and 23, 1988..

When you see the name John Llewellyn Moxey on the credits of a movie, you know you’re getting into something extraordinary. Just look at The House That Would Not DieA Taste of EvilThe Night StalkerNightmare In Badham CountyDeadly Deception and, well, just about everything he did. I didn’t even mention The City of the Dead and Psycho-Circus!

Originally called I, Desire and airing November 15, 1982 on ABC, who knew this little vampire film would be amongst the best ones I’d find for our vampire week? There’s a great cast — David Naughton from An American Werewolf In London makes for a fine lead, as well as Brad Dourif as a priest, Barbara Stock as the bewitching vampire, Dorian Harewood (he was in Sudden Death!) as a cop, Marilyn Jones as Naughton’s fiancee and even an appearance from Not Necessarily The News‘ Anne Bloom (or Frosty Kimelman in that long-lost HBO program).  Oh yeah — and Marc Silver, who was the guitarist in Ivan and the Terribles, the ill-fated band in Motel Hell.

There are some great twists and turns in this one, as well as an incredible vampiric apartment at the end that I wish I could live in. I’ll assume it’s just a studio set so that I don’t get sad that I can never go back in time and see it for myself.

You can watch this on YouTube.

MILL CREEK BOX SET RELEASE: Documentary Now! (2015-2022)

Whether you believe that this is a series in its fiftieth season or a mockumentary show created by Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, and Rhys Thomas, you just have to watch it. Through four seasons, all hosted by Helen Mirren, you will meet the sisters who live in “Sandy Passage,” which is totally Grey Gardens; experience the VICE-sorta “DRONEZ: The Hunt for El Chingon,” the Errol Morris parody “The Eye Doesn’t Lie,” “Gentle & Soft: The Story of the Blue Jean Committee, Parts 1 & 2,” which reminds me of how Hader is obsessed with how Eagles play soft music yet swear and tried to kill one another at times; “Final Transmission,” which somehow gets in a Talking Heads, The Band and Tom Waits parody all at the same time; a Robert Evans parody; a pisstake on Marina Abramović; a multi-Herzog doc; dodgeball with rocks and so much more.

In the book that comes with the box set, Armisen said, “I remember hoping that someone somewhere would find this show way in the future, without context, and then take it seriously.”

That’s why it works so well.

Plus, you get contributions by John Mulaney, Tim Robinson, Mike O’Brien, Cameron Crowe, Chuck Klosterman, Peter Bogdanovich, Faye Dunaway, Mia Farrow, Peter Fonda, Anne Hathaway, Owen Wilson, Michael Keaton, Cate Blanchett, Mr. Brainwash, Alexander Skarsgard, Tom Jones and so, so many more people. It’s really something how rich this show was and how high the quality stayed for all four seasons. It’s something like SCTV and Mr. Show that I will keep coming back to.

That’s why I’m so excited that this box set has come out. There are so many jokes and moments that you need to just keep watching these shows and they demand more than just one viewing. This is as perfect as comedy gets these days.

The Mill Creek box set of Documentary Now! has 2 hours of bonus features, including an IFC Emmy panel discussion, behind the scenes footage, deleted scenes, trailers and promos. It also comes with a 28 page book and 8 mini posters. You can get it from Deep Discount.

Murder, She Wrote S1 E21: Funeral at Fifty-Mile (1985)

Jessica has to unravel the secrets and threats at the funeral of a friend in Wyoming.

Season 1, Episode 21: Funeral at Fifty-Mile (April 21, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote

We’ve made it through the whole first season of Murder, She Wrote. Jack Carver has died, Jessica is in town to pay her respects, and of course, there’s a mystery.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Doc Wallace is played by Noah Beery Jr., Grandpa from Walking Tall; he also was Mordecai in the Sunn Classics’ Greatest Heroes of the Bible TV series.

Mary Carver is Kathleen Beller, Prince Alana in The Sword and the Sorcerer and Gail from Are You In the House Alone?

Bill Carmody is played by J.D. Cannon, Peter J. Clifford from McCloud and the D.A. in Death Wish 2.

Carl Mestin, who shows up with a hot new wife, is Clu Gulager. Man, Clu! Do I even have to expound on how incredible this man was?

Tim Carver is Donald Moffat, Garry in The Thing.

Art Merrick is Jeff Osterhage, who was in the 1989 version of Masque of the Red Death.

Sheriff Ed Potts, who shows off his gun to Jessica like he’s about to unleash his penis, is played by Cliff Potts.

Sally Mestin? Stella Stevens! Stella Stevens on Murder, She Wrote, I do declare!

Attorney Sam Breem is William Windom, the President in Escape from the Planet of the Apes.

In minor roles, Brooke Alderson is Alice, Edith Diaz is Emma, Efrain Figueroa is Jesus (not The Son of Man, a man named Jesus), Archie Lang is a minister, and Larry Carr and Charles Cirillo are funeral guests.

What happens?

Jessica attends the burial of Wyoming rancher Jack Carver with his family, friends and fellow war vets, but soon learns from lawyer Sam Breen that Jack died without finalizing his will. This means that his brother Tim won’t get the ranch, and his daughter Mary gets everything. But then Carl Mestin and his wife show up, and he claims that when he saved Jack’s life in Korea, he was given all of this in the will. But guess what? He’s soon swinging from a noose, and the cops think it was Mary’s fiancé, Art, who did it.

Can our girl Jessica just enjoy one vacation without having to put in some work?

Man, this one has some twists and turns. There’s even a Giallo moment when someone leaves a noose outside JB’s window. She totally doesn’t sell it, because she figures out who the killer was pretty easily.

Who did it?

Everyone. Carl was a rapist who got Mary’s mother pregnant and her father did the honorable thing by marrying her and raising her daughter. When he came back to town to try and get the money, they decided to finally kill him. They confess to Jessica, and she promises not to tell Mary the truth.

Who made it?

Another episode for Seymour Robbie. This was written by Dick Nelson, whose career was mainly in TV.

Does Jessica get some?

I’m getting tired of these episodes where no one tries to give Jessica back shots, and I’m not shy about it.

Does Jessica dress stupidly or act drunk?

Not yet!

Was it any good?

A satisfactory ending for the season, if a downer ending.

Any trivia?

Of course, William Windom is familiar. Starting next season, he’ll be a regular as Jessica’s friend Dr. Seth Hazlett.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Attorney Sam Breen: But there’s no way on God’s green earth Mary will ever know the reason why, not from any of us.

Jessica Fletcher: Nor from me, Sam. She’s been hurt enough already.

What’s next?

The show has been running regularly until now, but once it’s a proven success, it’s time for Jessica to get wacky. Like next week, episode one of season two: She masquerades as a wealthy widow at a luxurious tropical hotel in order to trap a murderer. John Phillip Law shows up!

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Garfield: His Nine Lives (1988)

June 23-29 Cat Week: Cats! They’re earth’s funniest creatures (sorry chimps, you’re psychos).

Based on the 1984 book, Jim Davis decided to show us all the past lives of Garfield — the one we know is life eight — and also depress us along the way. The book has Vikings, a dinosaur Odie and even a version where he goes primal and kills his elderly owner. On November 22, 1988, this CBS special adapted six of the stories from the book — “Babes and Bullets,” which is also from that book, was its own special — and added a few new stories.

Did you know Garfield was Handel’s cat and that he invented jazz? That he was a stunt cat for Krazy Kat and died when bricks crushed him? Or, if we’re to believe the last story, is Garfield Himself God?

This also has the saddest story ever, Diana’s Piano, all about a young girl who has a cat for her whole life, and it dies. Why is this in a child’s cartoon? Why did I put myself through it when I haven’t gotten past the loss of my best friend, Andy the cat?

However, we do learn how Odie once saved Garfield’s life and discover that someday, a very old Garfield will have children, so that’s kind of cool.

I know that Garfield is a very commercialized character, but I love him. Kennywood here in Pittsburgh used to have a dark ride — a water one, no less — that had Garfield in it, and everyone hated it. They hated it because it went on for years past, and no one cared about Garfield, and people wanted it to be the Old Mill again. Those people are losers. This was an entire ride where you were in Garfield’s head, and I would ride it again and again, yelling things out in Garfield’s voice. I loved it so much that the cover of my writer’s sample book was a picture of me waiting in line to ride it again. I love that Garfield hates human beings so much, that he despises Mondays, and that he loves human food. He is very much an honest cat, one that feels real. People love hi,m and he doesn’t need them.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Tales from the Crypt S8 E11: Confession (1996)

Warhol Evans (Eddie Izzard), a horror screenwriter suspected of beheading women and keeping their craniums as trophies, is being questioned by Jack Lynch (Ciarán Hinds), who is the kind of tough homicide detective that every cop wants to be.

This is one of those episodes that gets very meta, referring to a book, The Satanic Scriptures, written by Alan Katz and Gill Adler, the producers. There’s also a line where Lynch goes on IMDB and looks up the writer’s credits, asking what Tales from the Crypt is. “Ancient history,” replies Evans, “That was years ago. It’s been canceled now.”

“Okay, that’s enough. I think I see what the problem is. Your eyes are in terrible shape. Probably from watching too much Tales From the Crypt. To fix it we’ll require cohacktive lenses, maybe even radio scare-totomy. Although, there is another test I could perform. We’ll start by turning out the lights and making you look at this. It’s a nasty nugget about a writer who’s pretty fear-sighted himself. I call this one “Confession.””

Directed by Peter Hewett (The Borrowers) and written by Scott Nimerfro, this has a cop so good that — spoiler — he can kill people and get others to confess to it. Then again, Warhol isn’t exactly clean — he was acquitted for molesting a child, he has a ton of weapons in his house, and he does call home to get his girlfriend to get rid of another severed head.

This episode is based on “Confession” from Shock SuspenStories #14. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Wally Wood. The story and ending are similar, but the occult and severed heads are absent.