Ouija Shark 2 (2022)

You know that addiction to Amityville movies and the demon that cursed me?

I also have one that gave me the Ouija jinx.

Yes, I watched Ouija Shark so of course I watched the sequel.

Like I said, I have a curse.

Directed and written by John Migliore, who also plays the hero Anthony Struggle, who died to stop the Ouija Shark in the last movie. But now, he’s beset in the underworld by demonic goggle-wearing apes and bikini women. And oh yes, Master Caldura (Simon Wheeldon) and his even more powerful Ouija Shark. Luckily, he has Dr. Strange-like magic skills and the help of his ex-wife Cressida, (Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith), who was also the mother of Jill (Sabrina Migliore), the heroine of the last movie, along with magic user  Illyana (Kylie Gough) and her estranged necromancer mother — yes, that is a thing, I just wrote it — Terra (Lena Montecalvo).

This has it all, if by all you mean puppet sharks, a puppet gator — this was called Ouija Shark vs. Tarot Gator originally and man, I adore that title — dancing bikini girls doing a music number, stock footage mayhem, family dynamics dealt through surrogate mothers and daughters, magic users yelling out their powers like Shaw Brothers fighters declaring their fighting styles, a kaiju battle between stuffed animals, a great title and an even better poster. I’m fascinated by people who give these movies bad reviews on IMDB and Letterboxd, as of course this movie is going to have a low budget and be ridiculous. Why are you dumping Ouija sharks and tarot gators in a barrel and shooting at them? Is your life that boring and small that you gain pleasure from slapping around the slappable?

As for me, I love that I live in a world where I can instantly watch a variety of bootleg Ouija movies that are way better than the official ones despite having the budget of a trip to Costco. Sure, I laughed at this movie, but it was a joyous chuckle and the feeling of being alive, not one of feeling superior to the movie that I was clearly enjoying.

As a contrast, my wife’s review: “This movie made you dumber.”

You can watch this on Tubi.

Amityville Ripper (2023)

Amityville Ripper starts with a news segment of people hating Amityville movies, the original house being burned down, an auction of items that were in the house, multiple UFO abductions, the Spider podcast, a commercial for Alien Mingle and another for Steve Martin’s (not that one) Video Store. At some point, I was wondering if this was using Pond 5 footage like every other Amityville movie and just trying to pad a runtime with all of this footage, but then as the movie went on, surprise, this actually gets why I watch these movies.

Not just because a demon cursed me to watch all of them and would ruin our web traffic if I stopped.

This takes place in 2000 — the Y2K bug is a thing — and Marianne (Kelsey Ann Baker) and her brother — or step-brother — Nichols (Hunter Redfern) wake up to their parents going away on vacation for New Year’s Eve. Marianne — known as M — had something big planned with her best friend Annie (Angel Nichole Bradford). And no, not lesbian stuff, as her brother and his wheelchair bound friend Chapman (Ryan Martel). Instead, she has had the knife of Jack the Ripper sent to her from that auction. And her friend Tony, who is now in Hollywood, said it’s real because “he lived that Ripper lifestyle.”

What is a Ripper lifestyle?

Also, Marianne has dreams of slow jams playing over stock footage of a jet ski, which makes her even more endearing to me and not just because she’s a goth girl with shaved sides of her hair and looks a lot like Rainbow Harvest. She also mentions that she really wanted the clock from the house, but an architect — Jacob Sterling, right? — got it first.

While everyone — including way too nice cheerleader Liz (Anna Clary) — is partying and playing Sugar Ray, Marianne and Annie go up to her room and have a seance with a Ouija board, some tarot cards, Jack the Ripper’s knife and plenty of candles. Also: If M is so goth, why is she wearing an N’Sync shirt when the rest of her room is full of Universal Monsters pillows, a black metal poster and a Killer Klowns poster? At least her closest is all full of black shirts.

Director and writer Bobby Canipe Jr. has obliterated the fourth wall in this movie, as the characters even find the script, not that it keeps all of them alive. Just look at the dialogue:

Annie: Everything that happened in the Amityville house was true. And can you just imagine if this knife of Jack the Ripper’s became imbued with the power of the Amityville house? It’d be like we had some sort of Amityville ripper on our hands.

Marianne: True, but I think that’s kind of the point. I’m pretty sure that the name of this movie is Amityville Ripper.

Then The Ripper (Josh Allman) comes to life, wearing a Dracula costume, and also aliens.

There’s a line that sums up this entire movie, as well as all Amityville sequels.

“Brother, it’s an Amityville sequel. Shit’s different here.”

Not all the humor hits perfectly, but who cares? This is way better than nearly any other Amityville sequel, which isn’t saying much, but it does try. Which is, again, way more than almost every other sequel not made in Canada or by an Italian director.

You can watch this on Tubi.

SUPPORTER WEEK: I Saw What You Did (1988)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

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This made for TV movie is based on Out of the Dark by Ursula Curtiss but its title comes from the first movie made from it, the 1965 William Castle directed, Joan Crawford starring I Saw What You Did. Director Fred Walton is going back to familiar territory, as he made When a Stranger Calls, one of the movies that took Black Christmas‘ idea that the calls are coming from inside the house. He also directed April Fool’s Day, The Rosary Murders, When a Stranger Calls Back and The Stepford Husbands. This was written by Cynthia Cidre, who was a showrunner for the 2010s Dallas.

Lisa Harris (Tammy Lauren, Wishmaster) might be popular, but she could care less about school. Kim Fielding (Shawnee Smith, The Blob) is a smart kid who never gets to have fun and is always babysitting her sister Julia (Candace Cameron from Full House). When her father goes out for the night, Kim tries to invite over the more popular Lisa, who just wants a place to meet her boyfriend Louis (Patrick O’Bryan, 976-EVIL). While she’s waiting for him, she decides to show Kim and Julia how to be bad and starts prank calling people and talking sexy or saying, “I saw what you did and I know who you are.”

One of the people they call is Adrian Lancer (Robert Carradine), who has already killed his girlfriend Robyn (Jo Anderson) and is about to try and set his brother Stephen (David Carradine) on fire. Kim thinks they’re flirting but he’s trying to find out who she is because he’s sure she knows he’s a killer.  She ends up at his house and things get pretty tense to say the least. And the whole thing ends with Stephen calling Kim and saying,  “Kim, I know who you are. You killed my brother.” And he seemed so normal.

Originally airing on May 20, 1988 on CBS, this isn’t as good as the original — you figured that, right? — and the role that Crawford played is barely in it. But hey, it’s pretty decent for a late 80s TV movie.

SUPPORTER WEEK: Black Market Baby (1977)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

Would you like to have me write about the movies of your choice? It’s simple!

  1. Go to our Ko-Fi site and donate. There’s no set amount and I won’t tell you what to do. In fact, if you just keep reading for free, we can still be friends.
  2. Join as a monthly member for just $1. That makes you a Little B&S’er.
  3. As a Medium B&S’er at just $3 a month, if you pick a movie or a director, I’ll write about them for you. In fact, I’ll do one for each month you subscribe and even dedicate the post to you.
  4. For $5 a month, you basically get some major power. As a Big B&S’er, I’ll write an entire week on any subject you’d like. How awesome would that be? In fact, I’ll do it for every month you’re a member. Do you think any of your other movie sites will do that for you?

Brut Productions was a film production company that — if the name doesn’t clue you in — was part of Fabergé cosmetics. Run by George Barrie — who in addition to creating the Brut fragrance also was nominated for the 1973 Academy Award for Best Original Song with Sammy Cahn for “All That Love Went To Waste” and in 1975 for “Now That We’re In Love” — it had Cary Grant on the board of directors and Roger Moore was an ambassador at large.

Their films include Cry for Me, Billy; Night Watch; A Touch of ClassBook of NumbersWelcome to Arrow BeachMiracles Still Happen; Hangup; Mean Johnny Barrows; Whiffs; Sweet HostageHeddaHugo the Hippo; I Will, I Will… for Now; Nasty Habits; Thieves; Fingers; The Class of Miss MacMichael and The Dream Merchants along with this film. Fabergé sold their interest in 17 films in 1982 for an undisclosed amount to Ted Turner.

Directed by Robert Day (SheThe Man With Bogart’s FaceThe Initiation of Sarah) and written by Andrew Peter Marin from the book by Elizabeth Christman, this stars Linda Purl (Visiting Hours) as Anne Macarino, a young woman who falls for Steve Aletti (Desi Arnaz Jr.) and doesn’t realize that he’s part of a scheme by medical student Herbert Freemont (Bill Bixby) to get an Italian Catholic baby that has some intelligence to replace the child that was lost by Jessica Walter as Joseph and Louise Carmino (David Doyle and Jessica Walter). Everyone is in on this, even the kindly obstetrician Dr. Andrew Brantford (Tom Bosley) who is seemingly helping her. Now, knocked up, she can’t tell her good Catholic family that she’s with child (Allen Joseph, Mr. X from Eraserhead is her father), Steve is ignoring her and she’s trapped in a home for expectant single mothers.

Even a really young Annie Potts shows up, so it has that going for it. It’s her first movie. She plays one of the other mothers who reveals that she’s selling her child and that’s when Anne loses it. Then she stays with the Carminos without knowing that they want her child.

This movie is essential if you think that David Doyle and Tom Bosley are the same person.

Back to that house for mothers. It’s owned by Mrs. Krieg, who is played by Lucille Benson, who will forever be Mrs. Elrod from Halloween II.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Tales from the Crypt S3 E10: Mournin’ Mess (1991)

Directed and written by Manny Coto, who still writes for American Horror Stories and directed Star KidDr. Giggles and Zenon: The Zequel, “Mournin’ Mess” is about Dale Sweeney (Steven Weber), one of those drunken and scummy reporters that movies always have. He works for The Evening Globe who has assigned him to cover the Grateful Homeless, Outcasts, and Unwanteds Layaway Society and the new cemetery they are opening. He has the hots for their spokeswoman Jess Gilchrist (Rita Wilson) and buys int their goal of giving dead people a proper burial.

“Ah, there you are! You’re just in time! I’m trying out a few recipes from my new Betty Croaker cookbook. I hope you like shish-ka-bob. Damn! It isn’t ready yet! Bob’s still moving! Tonight’s foul feast will begin with mashed potatoes, then move onto some shrieking duck, and finish with a nice kill-basa. I call this tasty tidbit: “Mournin’ Mess.””

The issue is that Dale is a mess. He loses his job and soon meets an unhoused man named Roebuck (Vincent Schiavelli) who tells him that all of the city’s poor are being targeted by a serial killer. As it is, Roebuck is the prime suspect, but he claims that if Dale goes to the new cemetery at night, he will discover the truth, which will allow him to get his job back. Dale of course screws all this up and gets Roebuck killed and buried in that same cemetery, as he was too busy sleeping with Jess to meet him. He also loses his house and has to beg his old boss Elaine Tillman (Ally Walker) for his job.

That’s when he realizes that the Grateful Homeless, Outcasts, and Unwanteds Layaway Society spells ghouls and they eat his ear as he escapes. He finds Jess and tries to save her, only for her to eat his face.

Oh Dale. If you just stayed in the cemetery and met him Roebuck, you could have had the story that let you expose everything and be a success all over again, Roebuck would clear his name and you’d both be alive. Hope that sex was worth it.

The original story was in Tales from the Crypt #38 and was also called “Mournin’ Mess.” Written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Ingels.

SUPPORTER WEEK: Mongo’s Back in Town (1971)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

Would you like to have me write about the movies of your choice? It’s simple!

  1. Go to our Ko-Fi site and donate. There’s no set amount and I won’t tell you what to do. In fact, if you just keep reading for free, we can still be friends.
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  3. As a Medium B&S’er at just $3 a month, if you pick a movie or a director, I’ll write about them for you. In fact, I’ll do one for each month you subscribe and even dedicate the post to you.
  4. For $5 a month, you basically get some major power. As a Big B&S’er, I’ll write an entire week on any subject you’d like. How awesome would that be? In fact, I’ll do it for every month you’re a member. Do you think any of your other movie sites will do that for you?

Lieutenant Pete Tolstad, the character played by Telly Savalas in this made for TV movie, feels like the early version of Kojak before that show would air in 1973. Tolstad grew up in the same neighborhood that is now his beat. He’s never had a real Christmas. He just does his job.

Directed by Marvin J. Chomsky (TankEvel KnievelRoots) and written by Herman Miller and based on the book by E. Richard Johnson. Johnson was a convicted armed robber and murderer who wrote all eleven of his books from his cell at Stillwater State Prison in Minnesota. He started writing to pass the time in prison and his novel Silver Street won the Mystery Writers of America’s Edgar Allan Poe Award for 1968 and the follow-up, which this movie is based on, was considered an even better book. Despite his success, he got into drugs while in prison. He escaped and went back into crime before being recaptured and stayed in jail until 1991.

Everyone is interested in the reasons why Mongo Nash (Joe Don Baker) is back in town and why he’s spending time with a young girl named Vikki (Sally Field) who has just come to town from West Virginia. Is he in town to do a hit for his brother Mike (Charles Cioffi)? Or does he just want left alone?

This has a great cast. Martin Sheen plays Tolstad’s partner Mike and Anne Francis is a gangster’s moll who Savalas has a flirty scene with. Baker is great and somehow makes a killer into someone that you feel some level of empathy for and the way he treats Vikki. Ah yes. He is a killer. On the way to the brutal ending, we have people get acid thrown in their faces and everyone is fair game for murder including kids.

Originally airing on CBS on December 10, 1971, this is also known as Steel Wreath, which is a strange title and probably one that makes more sense once Johnson and his books were forgotten. Perhaps they didn’t want people to think this was a Blazing Saddles sequel, which there was one that is forgotten and was a TV series.

You can watch this on YouTube.

SUPPORTER WEEK: Telethon (1977)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

Would you like to have me write about the movies of your choice? It’s simple!

  1. Go to our Ko-Fi site and donate. There’s no set amount and I won’t tell you what to do. In fact, if you just keep reading for free, we can still be friends.
  2. Join as a monthly member for just $1. That makes you a Little B&S’er.
  3. As a Medium B&S’er at just $3 a month, if you pick a movie or a director, I’ll write about them for you. In fact, I’ll do one for each month you subscribe and even dedicate the post to you.
  4. For $5 a month, you basically get some major power. As a Big B&S’er, I’ll write an entire week on any subject you’d like. How awesome would that be? In fact, I’ll do it for every month you’re a member. Do you think any of your other movie sites will do that for you?

Telethons were a big deal in the 1970s. So much so that more than one movie got made about them — besides this, there’s Americathon from 1979 — and the Easter Seals and Jerry Lewis MDA telethons were marathon events that we all watched because, well, we didn’t have that many channels.

A Las Vegas hospital is running out of money and the chance to have their annual telethon unless they raise $8 million this year. Filmed in and around the Dunes Hotel — which closed January 26, 1993 after a time where it became a shadow of itself and also had a series of arsons — this is like a disaster movie, in that it has a huge cast whose stories are all interconnected, mostly with Marty Rand (Red Buttons), the entertainer who has hosted the event every year being considered too old. His illegitimate daughter is also coming to Vegas to tell him that she’s his daughter,  Matt Tallman (Lloyd Bridges) saves Elaine Cotton (Janet Leigh) in the midst of a brawl — Vegas seems beyond Sin City here and not the family destination that it became — and you get people like Jimmie Walker, Sugar Ray Robinson and David Burton all playing themselves.

Plus you get Jill St. John, David Selby, Randi Oakes, Polly Bergen, Dick Clark, Eve Plumb in an adult role, Kent McCord, Edd Byrnes and John Marley all in the cast. Yes, the mob is involved and when isn’t it in Vegas?

Director David Lowell Rich is one of the kings of the TV movie, as well as the disaster film. After all, he made SST: Death Flight, The Horror at 37,000 FeetThe Runaway TrainAdventures Of the Queen and the theatrical disaster that was The Concorde … Airport ’79. He also directed Satan’s School for GirlsThat Man Bolt, Scandal Sheet and episodes of Naked CityRoute 66The Twilight ZoneMannix and Cannon.

It was written by Roger Wilton, who is a one and done writer.

Originally airing on November 6, 1977 on ABC, Telethon is a caught in amber view of what Vegas was like in 1977, a dangerous and violent place where you could win big money or lose it all just as easily.

You can watch this on YouTube, complete with commercials from Las Vegas, which makes the experience so much better.

SUPPORTER WEEK: The Strange Monster of Strawberry Cove (1973)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

Would you like to have me write about the movies of your choice? It’s simple!

  1. Go to our Ko-Fi site and donate. There’s no set amount and I won’t tell you what to do. In fact, if you just keep reading for free, we can still be friends.
  2. Join as a monthly member for just $1. That makes you a Little B&S’er.
  3. As a Medium B&S’er at just $3 a month, if you pick a movie or a director, I’ll write about them for you. In fact, I’ll do one for each month you subscribe and even dedicate the post to you.
  4. For $5 a month, you basically get some major power. As a Big B&S’er, I’ll write an entire week on any subject you’d like. How awesome would that be? In fact, I’ll do it for every month you’re a member. Do you think any of your other movie sites will do that for you?

Originally broadcast on NBC as a two-part episode on The Wonderful World of Disney on October 31, and November 7, 1971, The Strange Monster of Strawberry Cove is a very live action Disney film in that kids are making a monster, an adult thinks that it’s real and a sheriff doesn’t want to believe them.

Every year, schoolteacher Henry Meade (Burgess Meredith, not yet Mickey or Satan himself) takes his students out on the lake to be part of nature, but this year, he sees what he thinks is a monster, which scares the kids and gives Mrs. Pringle (Agnes Moorehead) the chance to finally get him fired.

To try and save their favorite teacher’s job, Tippy (Annie McEveety) Scott (Jimmy Bracken) and Catfish (Patrick Creamer) make their own sea monster and plan on sending it out on the lake so everyone believes Meade. Except they run into smugglers — yes, this is a lot like Mystery of Dracula’s Castle — and that brings in the sheriff (Bill Zuckert).

This being a 70s kid movie, of course Kim Richards is in it.

Based on The Mad Scientist’s Club by Bertrand R. Brinley, The Strange Monster of Strawberry Cove was directed by Jack Shea, who also directed 110 episodes of The Jeffersons, and written by Herman Groves.

You can watch this on YouTube.

SUPPORTER WEEK: Search for the Gods (1975)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s movie is brought to you by Jason, who made a one-time donation and told me to pick any 70’s TV I wanted. So how about an entire week?

Would you like to have me write about the movies of your choice? It’s simple!

  1. Go to our Ko-Fi site and donate. There’s no set amount and I won’t tell you what to do. In fact, if you just keep reading for free, we can still be friends.
  2. Join as a monthly member for just $1. That makes you a Little B&S’er.
  3. As a Medium B&S’er at just $3 a month, if you pick a movie or a director, I’ll write about them for you. In fact, I’ll do one for each month you subscribe and even dedicate the post to you.
  4. For $5 a month, you basically get some major power. As a Big B&S’er, I’ll write an entire week on any subject you’d like. How awesome would that be? In fact, I’ll do it for every month you’re a member. Do you think any of your other movie sites will do that for you?

In 1975, ancient aliens were all people could think about other than the bicentennial. Or so it seemed. Directed by Jud Taylor and written by Herman Miller and Ken Pettus, Search for the Gods was a pilot for a series that was never picked up.

Willie Longfellow (Stephen McHattie), Genera Juantez (Victoria Racimo) and Shan Mullins (Kurt Russell) are looking for parts of a gold tablet that explains how these Erich Von Daniken alien gods came to Earth and inspired our technology. Longfellow meets Lucio (John War Eagle, a Native American who was actually born in England) and gets the first piece from him before he dies, which brings him to Genera, the magic man’s granddaughter.

They bring the medallion to Dr. Henderson (Ralph Bellamy) who helps them learn what they have to find next while looking out for the rich men who want it all for themselves. Obviously, this is set to not have an ending as they wanted this to be a series, so the 100 minutes of this show just lead to more that will never come.

Originally airing on March 9, 1975 on ABC, this movie has Russell’s character mention how much he wants beer many times. There aren’t any effects or aliens, but who knows what the show would have had?

And man, why wasn’t Victoria Racimo more of a star?

You can watch this on YouTube.