The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Domination Blue (1976)

Dragon Art Theatre Week (September 8 – 14) Pssst. Hey…buddy… you wanna see some naked movies with your mom in em? This stuff here is premium split tail in action, my friend, straight from the vaults at Something Weird Video. It’s all the HARD X stuff on the SWV site that I could find on Letterboxd and let me tell you, when I say HARD X I mean it! These movies show it all baby, whatever sort of freaky shit you’re into, these movies have got it. Nipple clamps, ice cubes on the balls, lesbos, homos, cumshots, whips, leather, you name it! Plus we got air conditioning and the cleanest bathrooms on the deuce. Just step inside … and if you need some luudes or a lid talk to my man Shifty over at the popcorn counter. Tell him Klon sent you.

Directed by Joe Davian and star Vanessa del Rio, this is a women in prison movie that goes beyond the teases of mainstream films in the genre. I mean that, as this is an Avon release, as rough as it gets.

A new warden (John Buch) allows his head guard (Holly Bush) to abuse all of the inmates, but specifically destroy Trixie (del Rio), Wanda (Sharon Mitchell), Bernice (Paula Morton) and Rose (Solange Shannon). Just like the WIP movies you have come to love, the women all have their own reasons for being here, like Wanda being a junkie who was assaulted before being caught shooting up in a bathroom (that scene is a rough watch, as Mitchell had a history of addiction, just watch Kamikaze Hearts), another killing someone, another who is doing the time for a crime her man committed and a prostitute.

When the warden isn’t being abused by his favorite guard, he’s having her decimate the girls. Also: one of them uses a Barbie doll for reasons it should never be used for.

How wild is the soundtrack? It’s all early Pink Floyd, like “Astronomy Domine,” “The Grand Vizier’s Garden Party (Entrance),” “Careful with That Axe, Eugene,” “Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun” and more.

This is a dark and scummy movie with a brutal ending. I have no idea who could get off to this, but man, Avon really knew how to make these.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Come Under My Spell (1979)

Dragon Art Theatre Week (September 8 – 14) Pssst. Hey…buddy… you wanna see some naked movies with your mom in em? This stuff here is premium split tail in action, my friend, straight from the vaults at Something Weird Video. It’s all the HARD X stuff on the SWV site that I could find on Letterboxd and let me tell you, when I say HARD X I mean it! These movies show it all baby, whatever sort of freaky shit you’re into, these movies have got it. Nipple clamps, ice cubes on the balls, lesbos, homos, cumshots, whips, leather, you name it! Plus we got air conditioning and the cleanest bathrooms on the deuce. Just step inside … and if you need some luudes or a lid talk to my man Shifty over at the popcorn counter. Tell him Klon sent you.

Carlos Tobalina was born in Peru, moved to Brazil and came to the U.S. in the 1950s. After selling cars, he started Tobalina Productions, Inc. in the 1970s and started making adult films, often using the name Troy Benny, which he showed at the theaters he owned with his wife Maria Pia Palfrader, like the Mayan Theater, the  X Theater on Hollywood Boulevard and the Star Theater. He battled obscenity laws and sadly killed himself in 1979 after finding out he had liver cancer. In his life, he made an early adult film, Infrasexum, as well as Marilyn and the SenatorJungle Blue, Lady Dynamite and the non-sex film Flesh and Bullets which failed to get him into mainstream movies.

Dave (Blair Harris) and Fernando (Fernando Fortes, a crew member who was brought into the film as, well, he looked like a foreign exchange student) are roommates and even when Dave tries to help him with girls, he ends up hooking up with both of them. He buts Fernando a book, Sex Through Hypnotism, and learns how to use it to sleep with every woman who comes his way, starting with a neighbor before getting the pizza girl — an inverse of traditional adult! — and then an entire wedding party. But when his parents send his arranged wife from his home, will he stop sleeping with American women now that he has the power?

Fernando played the same role in I Am Always Ready and Champagne Orgy. You know, Dave has some advantages to his friend. He has a super patriotic shag van, good looks and doesn’t masturbate into Fanta cans. Oh yeah — he also asks for consent and doesn’t hypnotize a whole bunch of women and have a high speed series of lovemaking, which is edited a lot like A Clockwork Orange, ending with Fernando’s heart giving out from all the pickling the prime meridian.

Stay with this, because somehow, some way, it rips off the end of Carrie. Amazing.

Obviously, Coke didn’t pay for that product placement. And yes, that is a crew member just standing there in Dave and Fernando’s apartment.

TUBI ORIGINAL: A Good Man 2 (2024)

Honestly, I’m more excited that there’s a sequel to A Good Man than any other movie this year.

Remember last time, when Ethan Carter (Joel Smith) barely got over his ex-wife when he got engaged to Arianna (Ebony Tates) and she ended up getting done from behind by her Kaos (King Wesley) which led to him, well, killing everyone, including Kaos’ wife and teenage son because Ethan had been a good man way too long.

Fast forward a few months for the next episode. Ethan and his partner Matt (Robert Q. Jackson) are trying to go beyond real estate and into development with the whitest Irish guy ever, Miles (William Swift) and get rich. Well, Ethan already had $4 million of his own money, so for me, he’s already rich. Richer. The problem? He hasn’t gotten past Arianna and keeps dreaming about her, which causes him to have flashbacks when he’s shaking sheets with Shalice (Fancy Jones), his new girlfriend. Maybe she didn’t think he was hard enough. Maybe she didn’t think he was a violent man. The dude has cut dudes chest’s open while their whole family watched, so when he starts choking her, he really starts choking her and not in a loving “This is kinky like Spencer’s Gifts so not really” way. So she runs out and he’s a crying naked mess on the floor.

Also: Arianna’s mom Sheila (Tonja Brown) is the only person who doesn’t think that she just ran off with Kaos. She thinks Ethan is a killer. Even the cops won’t believe her.

Ethan confesses the entire crime spree to his brother James (Johnathan C. Williams), who helped him dispose of the bodies. But as soon as they finish talking, Detective Evans (Bianca Williams) and Parnell (James Abernathy) show up from missing persons, as Arianna’s mother finally got through to the police.

Meanwhile, Detective Evans’ husband Aaron (Steven Weed) accidentally shot a kid which has led to the two of them battling. If you don’t see it coming when she falls for Ethan, you haven’t been watching Tubi Originals with the intensity of mainlining heroin like your author does.

Someone is following Evans and Ethan. It’s Parnell, who used to date her before she got back with her husband. He threatens to tell his boss and get her taken off the case. That night, as Ethan prepares for his big date with Evans, Sheila shows up drink and with a gun. He surprises her with a punch to the face and a rear naked choke with her dying moments before his new girl shows up.

After a fancy dinner, Ethan proposes to Evans, but she tells him that she hasn’t been honest and that she’s already married. Meanwhile, outside his home, Parnell is sneaking around as her husband keeps calling over and over again. Ethan goes nuts finding this out and just as Evans tries to leave, Parnell calls out that he’s found a body. Ethan knocks her out and when Parnell goes to look for her, he knocks him out as well, dumping their bodies in his car.

By the end, Ethan has the cops tied up, then obliterates his mother-in-law with a baseball bat, then brings in Aaron to learn that his wife has been cheating with both Ethan and Parnell. Ethan goes full on crazy here, even more than in the first movie. This goes full on drama, with police officers pissing their pants, knives to the legs, axes to the faces, the look out behind you trick working, gasoline and so much more. That’s an understatement.

Director and writer Joe Smith, you did it again.

Bring on A Good Man 3.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CANNON MONTH 3: Ruby (1977)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As the journey through Cannon continues, this week we’re exploring the films of 21st Century Film Corporation, which would be the company that Menahem Golan would take over after Cannon. Formed by Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer in 1971 (or 1976, there are some disputed expert opinions), 21st Century had a great logo and released some wild stuff.

Curtis Harrington had the thread of magic running through all of his films. One of the leaders of New Queer Cinema, he also directed Queen of Blood, Voyage to the Prehistoric PlanetWhat’s the Matter with Helen?Who Slew Auntie Roo?, the Sylvia Kristel-starring Mata Hari, tons of episodic television shows and the TV movies Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell, The Dead Don’t DieKiller Bees, The Cat Creature and How Awful About Allan.

His links to the occult, include the study of Thelema with his close associates Kenneth Anger (he played Cesare, the somnambulist in the magician/filmmaker/author’s movie Inauguration of the Pleasure Dome), Marjorie Cameron — who is pretty much the nexus point of twentieth-century occult doings and appears in his film Night Tide — and avant-garde film pioneer Maya Deren, an initiated voodoo priestess.

Harrington was also the driving force in rediscovering the original James Whale production of The Old Dark House and — as a friend of Whale near the end of his life — advised the making of the movie Gods and Monsters.

His final film was Usher, based on a high school film he made of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher. He cast Nikolas and Zeena Schreck — the daughter of Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey — who financed the movie by brokering the sale of Harrington’s signed copy of Crowley’s The Book of Thoth. Perhaps even more interesting is the theory that singer Taylor Swift is a clone of Zeena. No, really.

But hey — we’re here today to discuss 1977’s Ruby, a movie that brings Piper Laurie from Carrie into a story about possession and flashbacks.

In 1935, a lowlife mobster named Nicky Rocco is betrayed and executed in the swamps as his pregnant girl Ruby (Laurie) watches. The moment he dies, she goes into labor. Fast-forward sixteen years and she’s living with a mute daughter named Leslie (Janit Baldwin, Gator Bait, Phantom of the ParadiseBorn InnocentHumongous) and running a drive-in with several ex-mobsters like Ruby’s lover Vince (Stuart Whitman!) and Jake (Western actor Fred Kohler Jr.), a wheelchair-ridden man whose eyes were once cut out.

Ruby misses her days as a lounge singer, but the present has some nasty surprises. A poltergeist begins killing people at the theater, including the projectionist and a creepy guy who runs the concession stand (Paul Kent, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream WarriorsPrey for the Wildcats and the founder of the Melrose Theater). Before long, our heroine — such as it is — believes that Nicky’s spirit has returned and believes that she caused his death.

Vince is visited by Dr. Keller (Roger Davis, Dark ShadowsNashville Girl and the first husband of Jaclyn Smith), who helped him get out of jail early. He’s a clairvoyant who believes that there’s something in the drive-in, which is true, because Nicky starts speaking Ruby’s name over the speakers at the drive-in. Before long, Ruby’s daughter is speaking with the voice of her dead father and showing the wounds he endured before his death.

The producer chose to change the ending, and both Curtis Harrington and Piper Laurie refused to be involved in the re-shoot. It was allegedly shot by Stephanie Rothman (the director of The Student Nurses and the writer of Starhops). This ending, where Nicky comes back from the grave and drags Ruby into the swamp, was part of the TV commercials for the film.

Keep an eye out for Len Lesser in this — he was Uncle Leo on Seinfeld — as well as Crystin Sinclaire, who appeared in Eaten Alive and Caged Heat.

This was picked up by 21st Century after Dimension Pictures went out of business.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CANNON MONTH 3: The River Niger (1976)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As the journey through Cannon continues, this week we’re exploring the films of 21st Century Film Corporation, which would be the company that Menahem Golan would take over after Cannon. Formed by Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer in 1971 (or 1976, there are some disputed expert opinions), 21st Century had a great logo and released some wild stuff.

Directed by Krishna Shah and written by Joseph A. Walker, this has an incredible soundtrack by the band War. It’s based on Walker’s 1972 play.

Johnny Williams (James Earl Jones) is a house painter and poet who has raised his family in Watts. His son Jeff (Glynn Turman) is home after failing out of the U.S. Air Force flight school and his wife wife Mattie (Cicely Tyson) is dying, but Johnny tries to remain positive. Yet when Jeff kills a rival gang member and a police officer gets killed, there’s a standoff with the cops that doesn’t end well for anyone.

The cast also includes Roger E. Mosley as Big Moe Hayes and Louis Gossett Jr. as Dr. Dudley Stanton.

This is shot in an all over the place style, sometimes in striking POV shots, other times in your face African masks dominating the entire shot. There seems to be so much crammed into this movie — Vietnam, alcoholism, racism, dealing with loss, Afrocentrism, the militarism of the Black Panthers — that it doesn’t have a solid focus, but these are the kinds of movies that had to be made and stories that had to be told.

Originally released in 1976, this was picked up by 21st Century.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CANNON MONTH 3: The New York Ripper (1982)

This is a movie whose writer, Dardano Sacchetti, said came from a director who “nurtures a profound sadism towards women.” The New York Ripper isn’t an easy watch. In fact, a UK censor claimed was “simply the most damaging film I have ever seen in my whole life.” For all the times I wonder why some reviewers feel the need to list the trigger warnings in a film, I can admit that the entirety of this movie is basically one big trigger.

It’s also a movie that came out at the end of the slasher fad in the U.S., at a time when mainstream critics were finally confronting films that had been playing grindhouses and drive-ins for years. It barely played the U.S. in 1984 before being released in censored form on VHS in 1987. It still hasn’t been released uncut in England.

I have a slightly different view of the film than most. In a world where people obsessively watch Law and Order at all hours of the day and night, The New York Ripper offers a very similar story with one glaring difference: there is no center of morality. There’s not a single redeeming character, save perhaps Fay Majors and Susy Bunch. There isn’t a sympathetic killer nor a beaten down cop with a hidden heart of gold. This is New York City standing on the brink of Armageddon at the end of the 20th century. There isn’t room for goodness, just a struggle to survive.

Beyond Fulci unleashing every evil impulse he has when it comes to gore and destroying human bodies, the real part of this film that makes it so hard to swallow is the overwhelming feeling of misery that imbues every frame. No one is getting out alive or unscathed. Cops choose their own careers over the prostitutes that they may or may not be able to admit that they love. The very same cop, whose morality is very much in question, rails against the open marriage that is the closest thing to romantic love in the film. And the movie ends with a dying child in a hospital bed repeatedly calling out to a father who now cannot answer her. There’s grim and then there’s this film.

However, I feel that it’s an important part of Lucio Fulci’s career. It’s nearly a bookend with another of his giallo works, Don’t Torture a Duckling. Unlike his giallo contemporaries like Argento and Martino, Fulci has no concern with fashion or hyper colors. Instead, he uses the framework of the genre — hidden killers, red herrings, psychosexual motive — to rail against the inhumanity of morality and religion, while at the same time fascinatingly being as immoral as it gets.

After this film, Fulci would create Conquest, a baffling fog-entrenched take on the sword and sorcery film that I absolutely adore, and Warriors of the Year 2072, which is the final film he’d work with Sacchetti on. It’s the beginning of a downward slide in quality and health for the Godfather of Gore, although I like some of his later period films more than others, such as Murder RockAenigma and The Devil’s Honey.

The New York Ripper is the hardest, roughest, bloodiest and sleaziest of Lucio Fulci’s films. That’s saying a lot. It has a lot to live up to, with the horrors that had come before. If you backed off of the gore and roughness of the film, you’d be left with a somewhat decent detective film. But what got made…

It’s like Fulci watched William Lustig’s Maniac and said, “This movie is for pussies.”

Literally, the photo below is the very least of what happens:

Seriously, as upset as people get by some movies these days, I’d like to warn anyone easily upset to avoid this movie at all costs. Some see it as Fulci’s rock bottom, reaching out to the lowest common denominator. But once his violence is removed from the fantastic, it seems much more horrifying. It’s also a film where all of Fulci’s tics — especially injuries to the eye — are not held back. In fact, fucking nothing is held back by this film. It’s brutal. This isn’t a warning like at a fun house or sideshow, hyping up what is to come inside with overblown carny barker snake oil. This is legitimately a brutish, punishing film.

An old man complaining about his balls hurting is walking his dog, who finds a rotting human hand that once belonged to a prostitute. Fulci predates Law and Order with this beginning, which is how every episode starts. Police detective Lieutenant Fred Williams is on the case, but he’s been beaten down by New York City. This isn’t the NYC of today, this is 1982 end of the world cesspool that Fulci would travel to as a tourist. This is a bleak, nihilistic world with people that are either taking advantage of one another, being taken advantage of or so cold that they have shut off all humanity.

As Lt. Williams investigates, he learns that the first victim had set up a meeting with a john who used a Donald Duck voice. Yep — this is the first hint that you are watching Fulci at his most insane. It’s either going to freak you out, draw you in or shut off the movie because it’s too strange. Me? I’m in.

A young woman rides her bike through the city. She’s tough. She’s spunky. She gives it right back to guys who come at her with sexual misogyny, particularly a man who nearly hits her with his car. She notices his car on the ferry and scratches up his car. As she commits her vandalism, a man walks up to her. She tries to speak to him, but his duck voice stops her, as well as his knife. She’s brutally slashed open and this being Fulci, the gore is not off camera. It’s as in your face as possible.

Cut to the morgue, where a pathologist tries to link this killing to the body that started the film and another murder in Harlem. Lt. Williams informs the press that a serial killer is at work, which upsets the chief of police (Fulci) and starts phone calls from the Ripper. Realizing he needs help, the cop turns to Dr. Paul Davis (Paolo Marco, The House by the Cemetery), a psychotherapy professor who wants to help him create a profile for the killer.

Meanwhile, Jane Lodge (Alexandra Delli Colli, Doctor Butcher M.D.) attends a live sex show along with her tape recorder. She’s much better dressed than anyone else in the theater and is obviously out of place.

The dangerous looking man with two missing fingers is not out of place, however.

Meanwhile (I feel like with all of the detours that this movie takes, I’ll overuse this word), the female performer (Zora Kerova, who was infamously hung by her breasts in Cannibal Ferox, as well as Anthropophagus and The New Barbarians) we just watched on stage is decimated by the Ripper, who has a broken glass bottle as his weapon. Kerova did interviews afterward where she claimed that Fulci didn’t hate women and was really warm to her, but that’s nearly impossible to conceive upon watching this scene.

Lt. Williams goes to see his girlfriend Kitty — or at the very least, his favorite prostitute — where he gets a duck-voiced call from the Ripper.

Remember Jane? Well, she has an open marriage with Dr. Lodge, who likes to listen to the recordings she makes. She goes to a rough bar where two men taunt her. One uses his foot on her — yep, exactly what I just wrote — and exposes her to the entire bar before she runs away.

Finally, we meet our heroine. Fay Majors rides home alone on the subway when she notices the man missing two fingers. She runs into a dark alley where the quacking Ripper attacks her by stabbing her in the leg and slashing at her. She escapes into an apartment building and locks the door before passing out. She has a vision of watching cartoons in a movie theater as her boyfriend, Peter Bunch (Andrea Occhipinti, Ilias from Conquest), arrives and slashes her throat with a straight razor. She awakens in the hospital, where Lt. Williams and Dr. Davis determine that the killer is left-handed and has to be the man missing two fingers.

Remember Jane? Well, she gets picked up by the man with two missing fingers for some rough bondage, which includes him beating her and making whispered phone calls to other people, but she’s also pretty insane, so it’s left to your own judgment as to whether she wants this treatment or not (positive depictions of BDSM relationships, of which this is not one, are rarely presented in any cinema, much less grindhouse films). Post-sex, as the two sleep next to one another, she hears a radio DJ ask the Ripper, the man missing two fingers, to leave those ladies alone. It sounds so much like the DJ from The Warriors that it can’t be an accident (Fulci would use a similar narrative device in Zombi 3). This is the best scene in the film, as Jane has to untie herself without waking up the man who, worst case, is the killer and best case, is a maniac, next to her. There’s a ton of suspense here. As she finally makes her way into the hallway and gets away, she walks right into the Ripper, who stabs her to death.

Lt. Williams listens to Dr. Lodge defend his open marriage as they tell him that his wife is dead. Williams takes the man to task, as obviously the recordings she made were for him, possibly against her will. The police determine that the killer is Mickey Scellenda, who has an apartment filled with porn, drugs and photos of most of the Ripper’s victims. But Dr. Davis has his doubts, as the Ripper is intelligent and Mickey isn’t.

Also, there’s a long scene of Davis buying male pornography here, revealing that he’s a repressed homosexual. He goes to ask more questions of Peter and Fay, which keeps him suspicious. After he leaves and Peter goes out, Mickey attacks Fay. Peter returns just in time to save her.

Lt. Williams then gets a call where the Ripper dedicates a kill to him. The police set up a trace and Williams keeps him on the phone until they find the telephone booth where they think the killer is, but it’s just a walkie talkie. The killer is really at the home of William’s favorite prostitute, Kitty, and taking his time killing her. This is where Fulci gives in to his worst impulses and has a long, gory razorblade sequence. If his previous eye injury gore has ever upset you, well, you shouldn’t even be watching this film. This is the hard part of watching Fulci. So much of this is indefensible sleaze, but so much of it is also well done, as Williams fighting to get to the crime scene and save Kitty, with traffic getting in the way and even his body giving out are powerful. I’m not sure how many people will get past the grimy murder scene to appreciate it, though.

Days later, Mickey’s body is found. He’s killed himself by what looks like self-suffocation. That said, the coroner thinks that Mickey has been dead for eight days, which means that he can’t be Kitty’s killer. Dr. Davis explains that this fits into his theory — the Ripper hates women and is an incredibly intelligent man who has used Mickey to keep the police off his trail.

Fay visits a hospital where Peter’s daughter from his previous marriage, Suzy, is dealing with a rare bone disorder that has led to her losing her left arm and right leg. Williams and Davis later visit the girl and notice her nurse reading Donald Duck stories to her, which leads to them racing to Peter and Fay’s place to arrest both of them.

At their house, Fay has disappeared after a call from the Ripper. Peter leaves dinner only for her to attempt to stab him, which makes you think that she is the killer. However, he rises and begins quacking, throwing her down the stairs. He grabs the knife and just as he is about to kill her, Williams arrives and shoots him in the face — another incredibly graphic scene that shocked me.

As Fay is taken away by an ambulance, Williams explains that her boyfriend hated sexually active women because his daughter would never get to enjoy the chance to live life.

The film ends with Suzy calling for her father, begging for him, as her voice is covered by the traffic of New York City.

Again, imagine Law and Order filled with beyond graphic gore, sex scenes and a lack of any heroes and you’ll have something close to The New York Ripper. Except that it’s so rough, it’s going to take a strong stomach to get through it. There have been people upset with mother! earlier this year, as it feels like a movie that attacks the audience. This film does less of that. But as upset as people get about things today, this is a hard movie for me to tell others to watch. It’s a giallo, sure. But where so many of those films are satisfied with the flash of the blade and the suggestion of gore and sex, Fulci wallows in it.

This isn’t a movie for everyone. It’s maximum Fulci without the benefit of the supernatural to dull the edges of the sadism on display. Yet it’s a well-made film that keeps you guessing and takes you on a near mondo tour through the uncertain haze of the death throes of New York City before Times Square was reinvented as a tourist-friendly paradise. For lovers of extreme cinema and Italian exploitation, there’s plenty to quack about here.

This film was briefly played in grindhouses by 21st Century. Most in America wouldn’t see it until it was released on video in 1987 and wouldn’t see it uncensored for decades to come.

CANNON MONTH 3: The Sword and the Claw (1975)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As the journey through Cannon continues, this week we’re exploring the films of 21st Century Film Corporation, which would be the company that Menahem Golan would take over after Cannon. Formed by Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer in 1971 (or 1976, there are some disputed expert opinions), 21st Century had a great logo and released some wild stuff.

If you’re going to get into Cüneyt Arkin and you worry, “Will my fragile sensibilities be able to handle sub-VHS prints and an absolute lack of English and therefore no safety net for the absolute phantasmagorical leap into madness that I’m about to take,” permit The Sword and the Claw — or Lionman — to be your gateway drug.

King Suleiman may have conquered the Christians, but he’s a kind man who has spared the women and children. This pleases Princess Maria, who of course gives him a one night all expenses paid guided tour of her spoils of war before Commander Antoine (Yildirim Gencer, who is in Thirsty for Love, Sex and Murder) blackmails her into becoming his wife, then kills the King, but not before Suleiman wipes out nearly hundreds of people. Antoine cuts the hands off of his enemy and then hunts down the King’s wife, who gives birth all by herself in the woods, and servant Rhestim, who promptly loses the baby to some lions.

Antoine rules the land along with his son Altar (Cemil Sahbaz, who was Captain Kirk in Turist Ömer Uzay Yolu’nda, the Turkish take on Roddenberry’s space Western), placing his wife into the dungeon to die. Anyone who can’t pay taxes is crucified and killed, in that order, while Rhestim and his daughters have been starting an army. And the son of the King? Well, he was raised by lions to become a 38-year-old Cüneyt Arkin, a maniac ready to trampoline jump and claw his way into your face, if not your heart.

Of course, one of Rhestim’s daughters wants to get in with the rich and powerful, revealing that the Lionman and the King’s son have the same birthmark, one that can only come from the long-dead king. She narcs on her own sister and when our hero saves her, nearly losing his hands to acid.

This would end the fighting of almost any hero. This isn’t any hero. Now that he gets metallic lion claws, he’s ready to kill everyone — and seriously, I mean everyone and then some — to get his revenge.

Imagine, if you will, that this is the most restrained Cüneyt Arkin movie I’ve seen. Like I said, you should take your first steps into this world slowly. Do not dive headfirst into a shallow pool filled with only whiskey like I did. Take small sips, my friend, before you gulp deeply on films where hundreds of ninjas drive cars through brick walls for no reason at all.

The Sword and the Claw is the kind of movie that I could only dream of as a teenager, hopped up on Lemonheads and too many games of Bad Dudes, wishing of a film where people bounce off the walls and kill with aplomb. It feels like the kind of sub-Conan comic book, something even crazier than Warlord or Kull or even Claw the Unconquered.

Thanks to Temple of Schlock, I can tell you that William Mishkin Motion Pictures released this as Lion Man, Lion Man vs. the Barbarians and The Sword and the Claw. 21st Century also distributed it.

You can watch this on Tubi. Please do.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Teen-age Fantasies: An Adult Documentary (1972)

Dragon Art Theatre Week (September 8 – 14) Pssst. Hey…buddy… you wanna see some naked movies with your mom in em? This stuff here is premium split tail in action, my friend, straight from the vaults at Something Weird Video. It’s all the HARD X stuff on the SWV site that I could find on Letterboxd and let me tell you, when I say HARD X I mean it! These movies show it all baby, whatever sort of freaky shit you’re into, these movies have got it. Nipple clamps, ice cubes on the balls, lesbos, homos, cumshots, whips, leather, you name it! Plus we got air conditioning and the cleanest bathrooms on the deuce. Just step inside … and if you need some luudes or a lid talk to my man Shifty over at the popcorn counter. Tell him Klon sent you.

The only film by Frank Spokeman and the lone film by writers Robert Selmers and Herb Wheeler, Teenage Fantasies is the American cover version of Germany’s Schoolgirl Report and the one advantage that we have over German filth films is that our side has Rene Bond, which is a lot like having all the nuclear warheads.

Filmed at the Eugene Hotel in Eugene, Oregon, this starts with a square up scroll, in which the filmmakers want you to know that thanks to the pill and porn chic, the teenagers of 1972 finally have fantasies. And now, we’re going to get to see them re-enacted.

Most of the scenes — a teenage threeway, a girl interested in aggressive sex, the tradesman’s entrance — are your basic sex stories. Where this shines is when Suzanne Fields (Flesh Gordon) does a JOI scene a half century before internet porn and whenever Bond is on the screen, taking man after man as she introduces each segment. She’s got on fake eyelashes, blue eyeshade and looks like what I can only assume angels appear like, minus how the Book of Ezekiel described them as wheels with eyeballs all over them and four faces.

The only other performers who are not one and done are Carmen Olivera (A Clockwork Blue).

This was filmed by Andy Romanoff, who started as a production manager as Herschell Gordon Lewis’ films before shooting A Taste of Blood and Something Weird. He went on to work as a still photographer on Switchblade Sisters and The Swinging Cheerleaders, the Louma crane op on 1941Can’t Stop the MusicOne from the HeartWolfenFriday the 13th Part 3The EntitySomething Wicked This Way ComesTo Live and Die In L.A.Stop Making Sense, the Warrant video for “Cherry Pie” and Sweatin’ to the Oldies 3.

Teenage Fantasies also had its own psychiatric consultant, Dr. Roland W. Thaxter. I have no idea what he did on set.

But anyways, Rene Bond forever.

CANNON MONTH 3: Jennifer (1978)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As the journey through Cannon continues, this week we’re exploring the films of 21st Century Film Corporation, which would be the company that Menahem Golan would take over after Cannon. Formed by Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer in 1971 (or 1976, there are some disputed expert opinions), 21st Century had a great logo and released some wild stuff.

Jennifer Baylor  (Lisa Pelikan, Ghoulies) takes care of her father Luke (Jeff Corey), a man obsessed with religion and who can’t cook for himself. When she was seven, she accidentally killed a preacher’s son with the snakes that she can mentally control and has refused to be near them ever again, even if her father begs her again and again to help at his pet store.

Somehow, she goes to Green View School. Everyone else is rich and protected by Mrs. Calley (Nina Foch). As for Jennifer, her only friends are lunchlady Martha (Lillian Randolph) and a teacher by the name of Jeff Reed (Burt Convy) who sees just how horrible of a school this is. Jennifer is targeted by the richest of the rich kids, Sandra Tremayne (Amy Johnston). This includes taking her clothes when she’s naked in the shower and being photographed unclothed and the only other girl who stands up for her, Jane (Louise Hoven), being assaulted by Sandra’s man Dayton (Ray Underwood).

The part where Sandra deserves death — well, she did deserve something, but this is as far as it gets, let me tell you — is when she buys Jannifer’s favorite pet store cat, kills it and leaves it in her locker. Then she kidnaps Jennifer and throws her in a car, then leaves her tied up as cars circle her. At that point, every snake in the city comes to Jennifer’s aid, killing everyone left and right in a scene of cathartic snake revenge right out of a Category III movie. At the end, Mrs. Calley is bit by a snake from her desk and Jennifer and Jane laugh.

Director Brice Mask was a Disney background artist and was produced Ruby. He wasn’t tired of ripping off Carrie, so we got Jennifer. This was written by the same writer, Steve Kranz, who was joined in the scripting by Kay Cousins Johnson, who was an actress before starting as a writer.

Originally released in 1978 by American-International Pictures, this kept playing drive-ins — 21st Century had it for a bit — even when it was playing on TV as Jennifer the Snake Goddess.

I love that it was called Horrible Carnage in France.

CANNON MONTH 3: Frozen Scream (1975, 1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As the journey through Cannon continues, this week we’re exploring the films of 21st Century Film Corporation, which would be the company that Menahem Golan would take over after Cannon. Formed by Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer in 1971 (or 1976, there are some disputed expert opinions), 21st Century had a great logo and released some wild stuff.

Directed by Frank Roach, written by Doug Ferrin, Celeste Hammond and Michael Sonye (the writer of Blood Diner, Cold Steel, Star Slammer) from a story by producer and star* Renee Harmon (Lady Street FighterCinderella 2000The Executioner Part II), Frozen Scream was originally shot for 28 days in Los Angeles before sitting until 1981, when Harmon did post-production shooting in Salt Lake City. Then it sat, unseen, until 1983, when it was released as a double feature with The Executioner Part II.

Harmon plays Dr. Lil Stanhope, who is working with Dr. Sven Johnsson (Lee James) to figure out the secret of immortality. They have a strange way of going about it, as they turn people into zombies and freeze them. When one of the scientists working with them, Dr. Tom Girard (Wolf Muser), refuses to work with them any longer, hooded men show up at his house and take him away, an act which makes his wife Ann (Lynne Yeaman) hysterical.

Lil informs her that men broke into her house, but they weren’t under hoods and no one injected her husband with drugs. Det. Sgt. Kevin McGuire (Thomas McGowan) wants to speak with her, but he keeps getting blocked by Lil. It turns out that in a moment of movie coincidence, she left him and married Tom the next day. There’s also the small matter of Ann watching a Halloween ceremony where people chanted “love and immortality” while fires were all over the beach. Is this next to Point Dume? As for where her husband was, he was confessing to Father O’Brien (Wayne Liebman), telling him that they were freezing rats and bringing them back to life. And when they returned, they had no souls.

The priest is soon killed and Ann is given a zombie caretaker nurse named Cathrin (Sunny Bartholomew). She starts getting phone calls from her dead husband, complaining that he is freezing, and more of the hooded men come to her and threaten to kill her. She escapes with Kevin and they make love. He confesses that he has never stopped caring for her. She says nothing.

Spoilers abound…but by the end, Lil has transformed Ann into a zombie and they come to Kevin’s hospital bedside. As she tells her lost lover that she has truly loved him all along, Lil injects him in the eye with the zombie formula. Is this next to Potters Bluff?

Roach went on to make Nomad Riders and would make Hell Riders and used footage from this movie in her movie Run Coyote Run, in which a psychic tries to find the murderers of her sister.

This was a Section 2 video nasty in the UK. This was not well-reviewed — many called out the narration over top of the dialogue — yet this is a movie where computer chips get put into peoples’ necks and they get frozen to become the living dead. Then, they get robes. And then a band turns Bill Haley and the Comets’ song “Rock Around the Clock into “Jack Around the Shack.”

There are movies that work way too hard to be strange.

This one was effortless.

*In Nightmare USA, Harmon told Stephen Thrower, “I thought that if I wrote and directed and produced and starred, it would be too much, so I gave the credit away. Frank Roach was a cameraman but I decided it would be better to have another director on the film. I didn’t want to be credited as director, for business reasons. I directed the film.”

She also proclaimed, “It was filmed as I wrote it. No one could interfere with me.”

You can watch this on Tubi.