EDITOR’S NOTE: Arnold was on the CBS Late Movie on November 21, 1986 and March 25 and July 29, 1987.

Lord Arnold Dwellyn (Norman Stuart) has just married Karen (Stella Stevens), which would not be all that strange except that, well, he’s dead. He’s not buried, as per his will, if Karen wants to inherit all that he owns, she must never leave his mansion and leave him in state. That doesn’t mean that she’s taking it easy, as she’s been having an affair with Arnold’s brother Robert (Roddy McDowall). And, um, how did Arnold get married when he had a widow, Lady Jocelyn (Shani Wallis)? I guess it really is until death do you part, right?

There’s money hidden in the walls, though, but whenever anyone gets close to it, Arnold has already planned for it, knowing how each person will react and coming up with a death trap created just for them, like some kind of Dr. Phibes without the years of medical school. Only Arnold’s sister Hester (Elsa Lanchester, once a Bride) seems to benefit from all of this, but her luck can’t last.

Shot at the same time as Terror in the Wax Museum with most of the same cast — Lanchester, Wallis, Steven Marlo, Patric Knowles, Shani Ben Wright and Leslie Thompson — this didn’t hit right with me at first. It felt like a long, black out sketch from Night Gallery. Yet the more I think about it, well, I keep thinking about this movie. I mean, what other film finds roles for Victor Buono, Bernard Fox, Farley Granger and Jamie Farr? How many fog machines did it take to make this? And wow, it was produced by Bing Crosby Productions?

Directed by Georg Fenady, who other than this and the aforementioned Terror in the Wax Museum mainly worked in TV and written by Jameson Brewer (who did write The Incredible Mr. Limpet) and John Fenton Murray (whose credits include Sid and Marty Krofft shows and Partridge Family 2200 AD), this feels like something made in between episodes of other shows. Yet, it has a weird charm that keeps drawing me back to it. Maybe it’s the Shani Walls theme at the end?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Parts the Clonus Horror was on the CBS Late Movie on January 15, April 9 and August 11, 1982.

Directed by Robert S. Fiveson and written by Bob Sullivan, Ron Smith, Myrl A. Schreibman and Robert S. Fiveson, this is about an island named Clonus. The clones there believe that they’re being educated and trained so that they can better fit into America; the truth is, they’re about to be stripped for parts. There’s a big party when people ship out for the U.S.A. And then, they’re frozen in bags and hung to wait for someone to need their body parts.

Richard (Tim Donnelly) is a clone of Richard Knight (David Hooks); his brother Jeffrey (Peter Graves) is soon to be President. What neither Richard knows is that Jeffrey commissioned this clone to be made. This is one dark movie, because they lobotomize Lena (Paulette Breen), Richard’s lover, and when he comes back for her, he learns that she’s already gone. He’s killed and used for parts, which is good news for Jeffrey, who ends up stabbing in the chest when government troops attack the home of his brother, killing his entire family as well as Jake Noble (Keenan Wynn) and his family.

Somehow, the press gets a tape, though, sent by Noble, who was a reporter. Richard has a massive hole in his chest when we see his body. Yes, this ends with the hero dead in a freezer.

If you’ve ever seen The Island and thought, “This is the same movie,” well, you’re right. Except Dreamworks never asked for the rights or even considered it. They did after they paid what was said to be a seven-figure settlement to the creators of Clonus.

Based on the true story of Nicole Beverly — as seen on Inside Evil with Chris Cuomo – Til Death Do Us Part and also the title of Beverly’s top-selling book, Finding Nicole: A True Story of Love, Loss, Betrayal, Fear and Hope — this film is all about Nicole (Kaiti Wallen), who at one point fell in love with football player Warren (Mari G.). Love, as they say, blinded her toward the red flags that he showed untik it was too late.

Directed and written by Harley Wallen, along with Geoffrey D. Calhoun, the story moves to the couple having two children, Carter and Myles (played by Isaiah and Ayden Franklin). Time has not improved the relationship between husband and wife, as what were small bits of jealousy have become full-blown rages. Throw in some alcohol, and you have a man who continually beats his wife, so much so that the cops know their home without needing the address. The problem? Warren used to be an officer, so the blue line protects him until he puts a gun to her face.

This leads to a trial, where attorney Cameron Banks (Sean Whalen) even discusses the size of her intimate areas to try to convince the jury that she’s a woman of loose morals. With the help of her lawyer, Shonda Wright, Esq. (Shawntay Dalon), Nicole wins the case, only to learn that her ex has ordered a hit on her and the children while he rots in prison.

The good news? Today, Nicole has “taken her traumatic experiences and turned them into a springboard for helping others understand and recover from their own trauma while working to create societal changes and viewpoints about trauma survivors.” You can learn more about her and her story — not just from this movie — at Finding Nicole.

This site usually covers horror, but not the real kind. Domestic violence is a true and terrifying ordeal. According to Break the Cycle, “in the United States, nearly every 1 in 2 women and more than 2 in 5 men reported experiencing intimate partner violence at some point in their lifetime.” If you or someone you love is dealing with it, don’t stay. Call 1-800-799-SAFE, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline or text START to 88788.

EDITOR’S NOTE: They Call Me Trinity was on the CBS Late Movie on December 23, 1976..

The Spaghetti Western Database is my guide when I watch these movies and they say this about They Call Me Trinity: “…often described as the film that destroyed the spaghetti western and saved the Italian movie industry. In Italy, the movie even linguistically marks the end of an era. Whereas the diehard Westerns were called spaghetti Westerns, the Trinity movies and the numerous imitations they spawned would be called fagioli Westerns. Fagioli (= beans) refers to the obsession with food, notably beans, both Trinity movies express.”

Terence Hill, who plays Trinity, is nothing like the dark heroes in the rest of the Italian West. Sure, there’s some violence in this movie, but by the end, it’s become an actual comedy, and you care more about the characters than what they’ll do or who they’ll kill.

Director Enzo Barboni wrote the original story and screenplay for the film. Which was supposedly much darker than what ended up being in this movie. Producer Italo Zingarelli suggested the inclusion of a brother, which is how Bambino (Bud Spencer) comes in.

The original idea was for Peter Martell and George Eastman to be the brothers, but Hill and Spencer were popular after God Forgives… I Don’t!,  Ace High and Boot Hill (which was rereleased as Trinity Rides in some areas). This wasn’t just big in Italy; it was huge in France and Germany.

Again, unlike every Italian cowboy before him, Trinity doesn’t come into town dragging a coffin or tall in the saddle. He’s sleeping, lounging as his horse drags him somewhere new. His first meeting in the movie is with bounty hunters who have an injured Mexican with them. Trinity takes their prisoner and kills the others when they try to shoot him in the back. He’s nearly superhuman in his ability to draw and shoot, which is the opposite of his laconic demeanor.

Similarly, Bambino is the sheriff, someone who can shoot just like Trinity, but he is a burly man twice his size and someone who is ill-tempered, whereas Trinity is full of smiles and kind words. All they have in common is that when they need to kill someone, it’s second nature to them. It’s what they do best.

Bambino became the law when he accidentally killed the man riding to town to take that role. No, his scam is taking that job until his gang arrives. He has to deal with a lot, like Major Harriman (Farley Granger), who is trying to run the Mormons off their land so that he can use it for his prize horses. Unbranded horses, so that means someone — someone like Trinity and Bambino — can make a lot of money stealing them.

Despite being called the Right and Left Hands of the Devil, the two keep doing the right thing, Maybe it’s because he’s fallen for two angelic Mormon girls and is thinking about marrying them both. Or perhaps Trinity just sees protecting these peaceful Mormons as the right thing to do, even convincing his brother and his henchmen to show them how to fight.

Of course, they’re successful. Trinity also learns that being a Mormon means working hard, so he lies back down and lets his horse take him somewhere, maybe further west, perhaps somewhere that he can annoy his half-brother some more.

“You may think he’s a sleepy-type guy; he always takes his time. Soon, I know you’ll be changing your mind when you’ve seen him use a gun.”

I know that I should be protective of the rougher movies of the genre, but I have to confess that I loved every moment of this movie. It’s pure joy on film, from the arguments between Trinity and Bambino to the fact that Trinity looks at beans like most Western heroes look at money.

If you ever wonder what I want for Christmas, it’s this Trinity action figure.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Priest’s Wife was on the CBS Late Movie on February 21 and November 14, 1972 and October 22, 1973.

Directed by the master of commedia all’italiana, Dino Risi (Operazione San Gennaro, Fantasma d’amore), who wrote the script with Ruggero Maccari and Bernardino Zapponi, this film pairs Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni as Valeria Billi and Don Marco. She learns that her boyfriend was already married and shocked by that reveal, tries to kill herself, but not before running that man off the road, beating him and smashing his car. Ending up in the hospital after calling a Help Line and speaking to Don Marco, he visits her as she recovers. She falls in love with him, but he’s already married to the Roman Catholic church, as he’s a priest.

Sure, Loren and Mastroianni are one of the screen’s most famous couples. Still, even though producer Carlo Ponti did his best to make this work for international audiences with better dubbing than usual, it’s a rough movie to get through. Maybe I am cursed, because when I see Rome, I’m always looking for a masked killer with black gloves. I also didn’t like that Loren is either a strong woman or someone ready to die because a guy leaves her from scene to scene. I preferred the version of her slapping her unfaithful boyfriend into oblivion.

You can watch this on YouTube.