Gregg G. Allin (Isaac Golub, who played Father Dingleberry in five Death Toilet movies, including Death Toilet 4: Brown Snakes on A Plane) — get it, G.G. Allin? — is a paranormal podcaster brought to Amityville by Mayor Dump (Roy Englebrecht, who was the boxing consultant for Celebrity Boxing), who wants him to “kill this toilet,” and by this toilet, I mean the Death Toilet that has been killing people in the same town where Ronald DeFeo Jr. was possessed all those years ago.

After the toilet kills the caretaker, the same man who has been randomly showing up to shoot hot snakes into the bowl, Gregg must battle the bowl, so to speak, to save the anuses of Amityville.

I always wonder about people who get to be in movies, want to brag to their family, and then see the name of their role, like Mike Hartsfield, who in this movie plays Misc. Men Making Mud Mounds.

Evan Jacobs has directed fifty movies, and this is one of them. Yes, all of the Death Toilets were directed by him and written by him. He also made the DV series about a serial killer who keeps filming himself. I would say that when he finally gets to the close of this movie, where animated birds, sharks, and flies all attack, it’s pretty funny. That took 55 minutes to get to, nearly an hour of people repeating themselves as they talk directly into the camera and act as if they’re streaming and being as dull as most streamers when they had every opportunity to retake these scenes and make something better.

However, the film does take a turn for the better, and the unexpected moment of a toilet uttering, ‘Leave!’ managed to elicit a genuine laugh from me. This is a level of humor that most Amityville movies fail to achieve, leaving you pleasantly surprised.

But if you haven’t made it through 47 other Amityville movies to get here, first of all, don’t. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have. Because you’re going to watch five minutes of this and hate yourself, hate cinema and perhaps even give up on life. Then again, if you’ve insulated yourself against things like plot, good sense and movies made with stock fire explosions that you can buy for less than the price of this DVD, dig in. It’s certainly at least as good as Amityville Karen and much better than Amityville Thanksgiving, a movie so caused that I feel like I never stopped watching it. Any second now, I will wake up, and it will start all over again. I’ll be trapped watching it forever and ever, amen.

You can buy this DVD from MVD.

Kristen (Erica Mena) is a determined, focused young lawyer working for the district attorney’s office. Her latest case of putting away some dirty cops may not win her many fans on the force, but her unwavering determination and focus put her on the fast track toward moving up. She’s also the proud aunt of Angie, who she is watching while her sister Leslie (Rama Montakhabi) and brother-in-law Giovanni (Llewellyn C. Radford II) are on vacation. Despite telling the girl not to go to a modeling tryout the next day, Angie does what she wants to do. That leads to her body being found in a field and Kristen’s life going into a tailspin of grief and rage.

The worst part is that the suspect — fashion photographer Vernon Wilkens (Charles Malik Whitfield, really going for it in this movie and seemingly having so much fun playing such a horrible person) — gets away with it and even taunts Kristen and her family in the courtroom. Vernon, a charming and manipulative man, is not just a fashion photographer but a cunning criminal who has a personal vendetta against Kristen.

If the law doesn’t punish Vernon, Kristen must do it herself.

Directed by Tubi king Chris Stokes (The Stepmother trilogy, The Assistant, You’re Not Alone, Howard High) and written by Chaz Echols and Marques Houston, Picture Me Dead puts everyone in danger. From Kristen’s boyfriend Martin, whose phone is taken and it seems like he’s been kidnapped, all to lure her to a dinner with the killer and then back home to catch her supposed man in bed with another woman, to her other niece Diana, her sister Leslie (who even tries to kill herself at one point) and even potential new boyfriend Detective Pablo Espinoza (Cisco Reyes). The danger is palpable, and Vernon will stop at nothing because he believes that Kristen is the perfect woman, the only one who has come close to his mother, the woman who was killed in front of his eyes while the murderer took photos.

You have to love a movie in which the killer is supposedly one of the most outstanding fashion photographers in the world. He has a black-and-white boombox photo on his wall that looks like it came from Marshall’s. That said, this movie—like all of Stokes’ work—really entertained me. By the end, you’ll be on the edge of your seat, shocked at how many times Vernon can keep coming back to ruin Kristen’s life and how far she has to go to stop him.

Now, let’s get Kristen to go after Zooey, The Stepmother!

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Trygon Factor was on the CBS Late Movie on January 23, 1973 and January 2, 1974.

Das Geheimnis der weißen Nonne (Mystery of the White Nun) is known in the U.S. as The Trygon Factor and is based on Edgar Wallace’s book Kate Plus Ten.

Inspector Cooper-Smith (Stewart Granger) is on the hunt for a group of thieves who have been stealing various unconnected goods. His investigation leads him to the country manor of the Emberdays, a respectable English family. The mistress of the house, Livia (Cathleen Nesbitt), and Sister General (Brigitte Horney) and the nuns living in her home, are all suspects. Could they be behind the thefts to save the family fortune? The plot thickens when Inspector Thompson (Allan Cuthbertson) is murdered at Emberday Abbey. The Emberday children, Trudy (Susan Hampshire) and Luke (James Culliford), also come under suspicion.

The Trygon Factor leans more towards the Eurospy genre than the nascent Giallo, a style of Italian thriller, as the Krimi cycle of films began to slow down. The Eurospy genre is characterized by its focus on espionage and action, which is evident in the film’s plot and action sequences. Director Cyril Frankel, known for his work on UFO, The Avengers and Return of the Saint, brings his expertise to the film. The script was written by Derry Quinn (Young, Willing and Eager) and Stanley Munro.

One of the most intriguing scenes in the film features a gang member in a striking yellow suit of armor, wielding a gigantic gatling gun to burst through a bank wall. This unique sequence is only topped by the unexpected moment when Stewart Granger’s character punches a nun right in the face.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Manbeast! Myth of Monster? was on the CBS Late Movie on October 17, 1984; August 8, 1985 and June 15, 1988.

Drink every time that Peter C. Byrne says, “I believe in the Manbeast.”

At some point in 1978, Peter decided to remake the In Search Of episode about Bigfoot as this movie, taking his wife Cecelia out for a ride. In fact, director Nicholas Webster would go on to direct three episodes of that syndicated Leonard Nimoy-hosted show that would often give me nightmares. But he can’t hide perhaps the darkest secrets, as Webster also directed Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

This was written by Anthony Potter (whose resume mostly consists of hard news and documentaries) and Diana Webster, who wrote nine episodes of In Search Of, appeared in movies like Death Ray 2000 and played a nurse in two early Marvel movies, Dr. Strange and Captain America.

As we watch a Rob Bottin-created Manbeast interact with people and appear in reenactments, we hear stories like the Russian farmer who kept a female Manbeast — a Fembeast? Femalebeast? Ladybeast, shout out to Pittsburgh metal?!? — for years, one that even gave birth and accidentally killed her children by washing them in a frozen stream until the farmer’s wife started raising the children for her own, and the kids looked very human and wait, was the farmer putting it on the female Manbeast because yes, I totally believe that story as well as a skier straight up murked by a Manbeast.

That said, Peter is the most sympathetic person ever toward the lost species, saying that man has destroyed the forest and that we must help the Manbeast survive. And then some insane scientist shows up and says, “Look, they’re going extinct. Or maybe they don’t exist. I don’t care. But if I do find one, I’m going to kill it and do an exhaustive autopsy and enjoy every moment,” and I’m absolutely sure that that man is a serial killer. Or an actor. Or an actor who is a serial killer.

This is not anywhere near The Mysterious Monsters or The Legend of Boggy Creek, but it’s better than The Legend of Bigfoot, a film in which Ivan Marx talks about himself just as much as he discusses sasquatches.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Ava Robbins (Rose Lane Sanfilippo) is a social media influencer who has moved from #vanlife to #cabinlife as she settles in a small town. An accident has left her unable to drive for several months, so she’s putting up roots, getting to know the cute local mechanic Kellen (Austin Scott) and oh yeah, getting obsessed and eventually haunted by Hannah Granger, the witch who has become an urban legend in the region where she’s trying to make her home.

The entire time that Ava is trying to make a new life, she’s haunted by a man in another van who keeps stalking her, getting closer by the second. She’s also investigating the haunted Granger family, even going as far as to go to an asylum and try to meet with Elijah Granger (Brian James Fitzpatrick), who has survived shooting off most of his face and brain with a shotgun.

Ava gradually — well, until one part — becomes an unstable narrator. That part would be after she finally hooks up with Kellen and the movie looks at its run time and says, “Let’s just hurry this up” and Ava makes a character leap into insanity. I blame the Ouija board, as I always do. Just leave those things in the box.

Closer to an f-giallo than a horror movie, Cabin Girl finally comes together in the end but it’s the kind of closure that I can see some members of its audience not being all that happy with.

This was directed by Jon D. Wagner and written by Leslie Beaumont and Rory James Wood. It’s certainly looks better than many streaming movies, has an interesting twist and man, there’s a disquieting moment of gore near the ending that made my hand hurt.

You can watch this on Tubi.