Chattanooga Film Festival: Swole Ghost (2022)

This movie answers a very important question, one that’s been plaguing us all for years: how come the ghost in my house doesn’t give me any message, any inkling of how I can escape this mortal level of reality? Maybe your ghost is weak. Maybe your ghost needs trained. Maybe your ghost needs a montage.

Swole Ghost is seven minutes of your life that could be incredibly valuable if only to know that ghosts can also be the scorpions in the scorpion and the frog scenario. Be careful when you mix the fitness industry and the spirit world.

Directed, written and produced by Tim Troemner, this plays like a quick sketch but that’s fine — just the image of someone spotting a ghost on the weight bench is enough, all this has to live up to, and it goes much further.

You can now get a back half half price badge to watch all of the awesome movies at the Chattanooga Film Festival and watch a whole bunch of movies until 6/29!  Get yours right here!

Savage Lagoon (2007)

At some point in the late 1940s, the beautiful countess of Rudlov disappeared, which has been blamed on both a monster and the lagoon. Now, a New York ballerina named Illona Rudlov (Jacqueline Freid) has come to Bohemia to reclaim her lost relative’s castle.

Director and writer MarieAnna Dvorak was born in Czechoslovakia where her career was damaged by the Communist regime, as religion — a major part of her art — was prohibited. This was originally released in 1999 as Bohemian Moon and it really has it all, as they say — a lake monster, a potentially incestuous love affair, the previously mentioned lake monster chowing down on a nude woman, the fate of the aristocracy after the Communist revolution and a whole bunch of talking.

This movie feels like walking through a lake and your feet get caught in mud and you struggle to walk but you know there’s something mysterious on the shore and it ends up being just something the light shone on and made sparkle. It also feels like space aliens beamed this down and had to wait until streaming was at the level that it is today for us to watch it and enjoy it, but never understand it.

It’s like a fairy tale with lots of fucking, but none of it fulfilling. There, I said it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Killer Crocodile 2 (1990)

Shot at the same time as Killer Crocodile and directed by Giannetto De Rossi (who also directed Cy Warrior but is mainly known for special effects on films like ZombiThe HumanoidDuneHigh Tension and more than sixty other movies. He co-wrote the film with the producer — and director of the original — Fabrizio De Angelis and Dardano Sacchetti.

Ennio Girolami is back as the hunter known as Joe and Richard Anthony Crenna is on hand again as Kevin, the environmentalist turned croc killer, as a second mutated reptile starts eating everyone it can get its jaws on.

They’ve come to the swamps of the Caribbean with reporter Liza (Debra Karr) as she investigates bad businessman Mr. Baxter, who doesn’t see why radioactive waste is a detriment to the holiday resort he’s just opened.

This one is filled with padding — lots of flashbacks to the first movie — but it makes up for that by having the titular monster go through the wall of a house to get at people, then eat a nun and top that by snacking on a whole bunch of kids. Nobody is safe and the body count comes in at 21, which is pretty respectable.

You can get this with the original movie from Severin or watch Killer Crocodile 2 on Tubi.

Killer Crocodile (1989)

Fabrizio De Angelis — who directed, co-wrote with Dardano Sacchetti and produced this movie — was so sure of its success that he made the sequel immediately afterward. You know, De Angelis doesn’t get mentioned all that often when people bring up Italian sleaze merchants, but the guy made three Thunder movies and six Karate Warrior movies, so he knew how to replicate a successful formula. He also produced so much great junk, such as The Last MatchThe BeyondCop Target, Emanuelle Around the World and so much more.

Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna, son of Richard, providing his own wardrobe and also getting dysentery while making this), Jennifer (Ann Douglas), foxy Pam (Sherrie Rose, Summer Job),  Bob (John Harper) and Mark (Pietro Genuardi) are sailing down a river in Santo Domingo to report on the water’s radioactivity. What happens if that radioactivity also gets into a crocodile? You won’t have to wait forever to find out.

For a while, they’re guided by Conchita and her dog Candy, but when that mutated reptile rises and destroys her, instead of the local government led by Judge (Van Johnson) figuring it all out, they frame the youngsters for murder, as Judge and Foley (Wohrman Williams) are the reasons why the town is in this whole mess.

There’s also Joe (Ennio Girolami, Viking from Sinbad of the Seven Seas), a hunter who knows the truth and is the Robert Shaw to no one’s Roy Scheider. The real star of the whole show is the gator, who pops up repeatedly and wipes out man — and spoiler warning — canine alike, but Joe is also man enough to literally surf on the thing.

If Becca and I ever get out to the Amazon, after watching this, Cubby is staying home.

You can get both this movie and its sequel from Severin or watch Killer Crocodile on Tubi.

Junesploitation 2022: Blood on Méliès’ Moon (2016)

June 26: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is free! We’re excited to tackle a different genre every day, so check back and see what’s next.

Man, Luigi Cozzi. StarcrashContaminationPaganini Horror, Cannon’s Hercules, his remix of GodzillaSinbad of the Seven Seas, the remix remake ripoff weirdness that is Demons 6 De Profundis, The Killer Must Kill Again, writing Four Flies on Grey Velvet and even just being a fan of film and running Argento’s Profondo Rosso store and museum — I just love the man. Like, I wish I could buy him dinner and drinks and just pick his brain for hours about the history of film.

I think this is as close as I’m going to get.

Cozzi originally came up with the idea — or at least the title — for Blood on Méliès’ Moon when he was working for Cannon in the 80s, but had no idea how it could be made. As much as we hate on modern technology, it did make this happen, as the Cozzi said that it was like when he “decided to become a publisher, until then, to publish a book you had to print at least one or two thousand copies. That meant a lot of money and often your storehouses were full of unsold copies. After the advent of digital, you could print even only thirty copies of a book and so I decided to start publishing books and novels.”

Let me try and summarize this absolutely berserk movie.

Inventor Louis Le Prince — a real artist could possibly have been the first person to shoot a movie of any length using a single lens camera and a strip of film; he also disappeared after boarding a train in September of 1890 on his way to demonstrate the camera, but there are theories that he was killed by Edison, disappeared to start a new life and celebrate his homosexuality where he would not be judged, that he committed suicide due to multiple failures or that his brother killed him to get their mother’s will. The case has never been solved — create a device that the Lumière Brothers would eventually call The Cinematographer.

Luigi Cozzi, playing himself, finds a book called The Roaming Universe that was left for him when Barbara (Barbara Magnolfi!) is killed by the statue of the Blood and Black Lace killer within Profondo Rosso’s Argento museum basement, a book that she received during a seance during which an old woman violently puked it into existence.

A man has also sent Cozzi a lamp fashioned after Le Voyage dans la Lune and claims that a shadow version of La Prince in the guise of a masked magician has left the doorway open to a dark dimension that will soon doom our reality using film as his weapon.

It’s a little like La rage du Démon, in that one of Méliès’ movies causes chaos, but it’s also a lot like a conspiracy tract you would have found in the 80s all Xeroxed and left in a payphone booth or a strange YouTube channel that at first you giggle about but then you say, “Well, that makes sense.” It’s baffling and brilliant and corny and silly all at the same time, a messy final message from an auteur who can’t help but be entertaining no matter what he does.

There’s also a trickster named Pierpoljakos (Philippe Beun-Garbe) who takes Cozzi through other dimensions, a severed head that can speak, Cozzi’s wife reacting to him telling her that he has to save the world by just rolling over and going back to sleep, Cozzi in fuzzy pajamas, Ben Cooper level masks, monsters and effects, as well as Lamberto Bava showing off his dad’s book collection, Dario Argento at an autograph signing and a nightmare that has critic Paolo Zelati claim that Cozzi is the Italian Ed Wood, which should upset him, but just ends up making him happy.

There’s also a discussion of the volcano sequence that Cozzi ripped off for Hercules and asks, “Did Cozzi choose the images or did the images choose him?” He also gets to fly on a rocket and when he lands, gets a smile from his own creation, Stella Starr from Starcrash.

This movie reminds me of the Profondo Rosso store itself, a cramped small place with a few books, some DVDs and goofy masks, all standing above a shrine to the genius that is Italian exploitation cinema in the catacombs below. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, it doesn’t have to and it’s wonderful.

I have in my office a Profondo Rosso mug and it’s one of my prized possessions. It’s like some alchemical object, something I hold and hope that the inspiration and madness and love of cinema that Cozzi has always had stays within me. I also am happy to report that when I mentioned his name to Caroline Munro, she lit up and said, “He really is the most wonderful man.”

You can get this movie directly from Profondo Rosso.

UPDATE: You can get this from Severin, who were so cool that they included some of this review on the back of the box.

Chattanooga Film Festival: Pussycake (2022)

Hey do you like to eat during movies?

Emesis el amor mata (Love Kills) or PussyCake as it’s known in the U.S. has more vomit in one movie than in every other film this year put together.

Argentina, you’re crazy.

PussyCake is also the name of the all girl band in this film. Elle Cake (Maca Suarez), Sara Cake (Aldana Ruberto), Juli Cake (Sofia Rossi) and Sofi Cake (Anahi Politi, who was also in Crystal Eyes) are struggling to get noticed, so their manager Pato gets them a show where a record label promises to show up. Yet when they get to town, it’s empty. And then, as these things go, zombies show up. Or aliens. Or something.

Look, it doesn’t really matter. This is the kind of movie that teenage me would run out of breath yelling about to anyone who would listen. It’s four fashionable rockstars against all manner of creatures who bleed, barf and otherwise defile the screen with a buffet of bile. It’s also 75 minutes long and has no interest in explaining to you why this is happening, who most of the people are and what the rules are of the infection.

Pablo Parés, who co-wrote this with Maxi Ferzzola and Hernán Moyano, has also directed Daemonium: Soldier of the UnderworldPlaga Zombie: Zona Mutante: Revolución Tóxica and a whole bunch of shorts that are all filled with liters — I did the metric for this — and liters of blood, viscera and half-eaten innards.

I want to see this in a crowded theater or at the drive-in and just hear an audience go wild for this. I can only imagine the hot water and fresh towel budget that this film had.

Want to see it for yourself? It’s now playing as part of the Chattanooga Film Fest. Virtual tickets are available at www.chattfilmfest.org/

PussyCake will be available on digital and streaming on Screambox August 30.

Chattanooga Film Fest: The Third Saturday in October (2022)

I went all in on The Third Saturday in October V, loving the way that it had the look and feel of 90s direct to video slasher sequels, so I was beyond excited for the first installment which referenced slashers like Death Screams and Another Son of Sam, I got pretty excited.

Sadly, the final effort doesn’t match the other film. This feels like an approximation of the late 70s and early 80s slasher boom, where The Third Saturday in October V nearly could have arrived in our time via a rip in the time/space paradox and seemed like it really was a product of its era. It was kind of hard reading other reviewers saying how much this seemed like My Bloody Valentine and it felt like a game of, “Tell me that you haven’t really paid attention to slashers other than aping what everyone else writes about them without telling me.”

It’s too bright, too trying to be strange instead of being odd naturally — the endless meow dialogue is grating at best — and the football title feels forced whereas it naturally fits into the other film.

That’s not to say that there’s not some real talent here. Director, writer and editor Jay Burleson gets a lot out of his budget. Darius Willis and K.J. Baker are really good as the parents of victims who just want to put serial killer Harding into the ground once and for all. And there’s a great atmospheric graveyard scene that’s quite evocative of the early scenes of Halloween. Then it all kind of falls apart, as the characters of John Paul (Casey Aud), Denver (Kate Edmonds), Pam (Venna Black), Bobbi Jo (Libby Blake), Uncle Deeter (Richard Garner) and Ned (Dre Bravo) are never funny, constantly drag the film down and just seem like they’ve come out of Tromaville — never a good thing — and take the film from satiric to sophomoric.

It also doesn’t help that Denver’s headphones — the Walkman 2 which popularized the device didn’t come out in the U.S. until 1981, so this feels anachronistic — dancing scene just ended up reminding me of a much better throwback in The House of the Devil.

Creating slasher victims is hard — how much should we care about them? Do we just want them to die? This film never even ponders that, even if at heart it’s either a tribute or a pastiche of the past. That said, Allison Shrum’s Heather is a fine final girl and I enjoyed Lew Temple (31The Devil’s Rejects) as her father.

I really wish I had liked this more and even after a second viewing, worrying if I’d overhyped myself, I still struggled to finish it. One of the things that took me out of the film was seeing Harding have his mask on near the end with no scene explaining where it came from or why he had a mask, which is always the big moment in any slasher. And yes, I get that we rarely get much character development in these movies, but why is Jakkariah Harding so feared? I can accept The Shape being unkillable, but I also learned that he had the darkest eyes, the devil’s eyes. This film asks us to fill in the knowledge we have of slashers without rewarding us with touching on those moments and treating them in new and unique ways.

The slasher genre is ripe for being made light of but this film sadly doesn’t have much new to add to the conversation, which is a shame, as I can and will extol the virtues of its sequel/companion movie.

Want to see it for yourself? It’s now playing as part of the Chattanooga Film Fest. Virtual tickets are available at www.chattfilmfest.org/

Chattanooga Film Festival: The Third Saturday In October V (2022)

The Third Saturday in October is a movie, sure, but it’s also a reference to the rivalry between the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama and the Volunteers of the University of Tennessee, schools that are located around three hundred miles apart. Alabama leads the series 58–37–8 as of this year. So in case why you wondered, “Why is a slasher based around college football?” you have your answer.

Even wilder, this movie is being released at the very same time as The Third Saturday In October I, which was supposedly made in 1980 as a slasher craze cash-in. This is the fourth sequel — I imagine Dimension got the rights — and it’s some point in the 90s, feeling like the shot in Utah Halloween sequels in that it’s centered around the relationship between PJ (Poppy Cunningham) and her babysitter Maggie (Kansas Bowling, Blue from Once Upon a Time In…Hollywood), which feels very Rachel and Jamie.

Director, writer and editor Jay Burleson also made The Nobodies, a mockumentary about Alabama-based amateur filmmaker Warren Werner, his first SOV film Pumpkin and the Satanic panic in his small town that led to the suicide of him and his girlfriend at the film’s premiere, as well as the fake trailer for Halloween: Harvest of Souls 1985. I get the feel from this movie that Jay really gets what’s at the heart of slashers.

It’s another Third Saturday in October and, as always, the hearse driving all-black — other than his white skull mask — giggling serial killer Jack Harding is back, slicing up toes, throats and more, like killing one girl with a blazing hot pizza to the face. There’s also a wheelchair-bound annoying teen that you can’t wait to see die — the genre lives and breathes by its decimation of the handicapable, I guess — and for some reason, a fully grown adult that dresses as a referee to come watch the game. To be fair, one of my best friends as a kid dressed as an umpire and would count pitches and render safe or out calls for every baseball game we ever watched. He did grow up to be an umpire though.

The house where the game at feels like it has the same level of bed swapping and sexual tension as that cabin in the woods back when Joe Zito directed Jason.

I love the idea that no one remembers the killings or even pays attention because of how important football is to the town. And most importantly, the film knows to set up a sequel before the credits crawl, because Jack Harding is never going to die.

Bonus points to padding the start of the movie with scenes from previous sequels that were never made.

I had an absolute blast with this. And if you have a love for slashers — let’s say you made a Letterboxd list of nearly seven hundred of them — you’re going to go crazy for this. They can make a hundred of these movies and I will watch every single one.

Want to see it for yourself? It’s now playing as part of the Chattanooga Film Fest. Virtual tickets are available at www.chattfilmfest.org/

Malocchio (1975)

Evil Eye was made in Italy and stars Mexican exploitation hero Jorge Rivero, oddball cowboy icon Anthony Steffen and an American actor known best for being in The Godfather, Richard Conte.

Rivero — who of course was Mace in Fulci’s fog-obsessed Mexican vacation Conquest — is a playboy whose sleeping hours are filled with nightmarish visions of occult rituals and nude  dead women who come screaming back to life. One evening, during a loud thunderstorm, he ends up meeting one of these women, Yvonne (Lone Fleming, Tombs of the Blind Dead) and their evening climaxes with him choking her into oblivion.

Or did he? Ah yes, that giallo chestnut — a murderer who may not be a murderer and then the body turns up. More people show up in Peter’s deadly dreams, then die and he may be an avenging angel of sorts from the world of the shadows. Or maybe he just needs to stay in that insane asylum.

There’s a gorgeous cast — Pia Giancaro (The Red Queen Kills Seven Times), Daniela Giordano (Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key), Pilar Velázquez (Naked Girl Murdered in the Park) and Eva Vanicek — along with stalwart Eurohorror talents like Luciano Pigozzi and Eduardo Fajardo.

There’s also a crazy scene in which Peter tries to save a woman from a mob only for a crane to drop a load of bricks directly on her in a kind of low rent proto-The Omen. That’s also one of the few moments in this movie without full frontal nudity, as this movie goes all in on the sleazier side of Satanic splendor. It also has Fajardo throwing up a frog in one of the most disgustingly wild things I’ve seen before a possessed gun blow him away. And yes, the ending makes no sense, but I kind of demand that.

Director Mario Siciliano also made Alleluja & Sartana Are Sons… Sons of God and Trinity and Sartana Are Coming as well as Erotic Family and Orgasmo non-stop, so you know you’re in good, if not slightly filthy hands. It also has a score by Stelvio Cipriani that makes hippie devil worship nightmare logic feel free and breezy.

Chattanooga Movie Festival: GUTS (2021)

Chris McInroy is the director of Bad Guy #2, Death Metal, We Summoned A Demon and the segment “One Time In The Woods” in Scare Package and if you’ve seen that, you have some idea of just how bloody and brilliant this short is going to be.

GUTS is all about Tim, who is in love with a girl in his office, wants a promotion and has to deal with all manner of bullies during his day because, well, his guts are on the outside of his body.

Do not watch if you are grossed out by guts, eating guts, drinking guts, eyeballs ala Fulci, whittling awards killing people, spraying blood, ooze, gristle, gore, more guts and fun. I almost puked at one point and I thought I had a cast iron stomach, so Mr. McInroy, you can consider that a standing ovation.

Hunt this down, find it and fall in love. Or throw up. I mean, either way, you’re living, right?

Want to see it for yourself? It’s now playing as part of the Chattanooga Film Fest. Virtual tickets are available at www.chattfilmfest.org/