My movie Pro Bowl team

A few years ago, I came up with an All-Star movie baseball team. Now that the Pro Bowl is coming this weekend, I’ve picked my lineup of the best movie football players. I invite you to reply with your own draft to see if you can defeat my team — The B&S About Movies Bullies.

Quarterback – Shane Falco, The Replacements

I have a theory here, so go with me. Falco was recruited to play for the Washington Sentinels after a strike hit the league with four games left in the season. He’s a former All-American from Ohio State who badly lost the Sugar Bowl and just fixes boats instead of being a star quarterback. Or is he just undercover? Because he’s played by Keanu Reeves, who also played FBI Special Agent John “Johnny” Utah in Point Break, an Ohio State quarterback who went undercover after leaving football thanks to a knee injury. Also, who amongst us hasn’t been hungover on a Sunday and enjoyed The Replacements on WTBS?

Back up: Flash Gordon, Flash Gordon

Does anyone love football more than a man that introduces himself to an alien race by shouting “Flash Gordon: Quarterback, New York Jets.”? When the game gets close, he will save every one of us.

Running back – Billy Cole, The Last Boy Scout

Sure, there may be better running backs. But how many other players are Tae Bo king Billy Blanks, much less will bring a gun on the field and kill as many players as he can to ensure that the L.A. Stallions win? So like Eternal Champions on Genesis, I have pulled Billy from the point in time before he blows his mind out all over the endzone and jammed him up with even more PCP guaranteeing some chaos.

Fullback/running back – Guard Dunham, The Longest Yard

If you’re just starting to figure out that most of my team has no concerns about penalty yards, just remember that I’m from the hometown of the biggest heels in football, the Pittsburgh Steelers. And that’s the bottom line.

Wide receiver – Rod Tidwell, Jerry McGuire

I might despise this movie, but I have no worry that Tidwell can get the yards we need to win. I am prepared to show him the cash.

Wide receiver – Phillip Elliot, North Dallas Forty

Sure, he has a painkiller problem, but who in the league doesn’t? This team needs a veteran to get the kids in line and there’s no one better at that than this guy.

Tight end – Cheeseburger Eddy, The Longest Yard

I’m drafting based on passion. After all, he’s the man who said, “I got the shakes that’ll make you quake. I got the fries that’ll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that’ll… I just got burgers.”

Guard – Billy Bob, Varsity Blues

Yeah, he may not emotionally be that prepared for the big leagues, but there’s no one that cares about the team (and his truck) more.

Guard – Jamal Jackson, The Replacements

A big part of me just wants to draft the entire Washington replacement squad. But that feels like cheating.

Tackle – Louie Lastik, Remember the Titans

“I’m Louie Lastik, I’m offensive lineman, naval family just moved here from Bayonne, someone said football, so I come runnin’. What’s goin’ on everybody?” Welcome to the team. Also, Ethan Suplee, who played thsi role, is in amazing shape today, so that goes into account.

Tackle – Jumbo Fumiko, The Replacements

I promise, no more Washington Sentinels after this one.

Center – Manumana, Necessary Roughness

Good at playing both sides, this big man is perfect for my team of bruisers.

Defensive Line – Switowski, The Longest Yard

I picked this one because that’s Bob Sapp. If you watched Japanese wrestling in the 2000s, he was one of the few bright spots.

Defensive Line – Charles Jefferson, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

“I thought he just flew in for games.” Yes, sometimes you need to recruit young.

Defensive Line – Andre Krimm, Necessary Roughness

Yes, I picked Krimm just to get to hang out with Sinbad.

Defensive Line – Samson, The Longest Yard

I think the idea of having players from both versions of this movie is great. And hey — Richard Kiel. Talk about scaring the QB!

Linebacker – Luther “Shark” Lavay, Any Given Sunday

Played by Lawrence Taylor, this man is ready to lead our blitz.

Linebacker – Bobby Boucher, The Waterboy

What Bobby may not have in smarts, he does have in the ability to destroy quarterbacks.

Linebacker  – Joey “Battle” Battagilo, The Longest Yard

Can the guards and prisoners get along on my team? They better. They can take out all the hate between one another on the other teams. And hey – Bill Goldberg played for the Falcons.

Cornerback – Trumaine, Wildcats

Wesley Snipers made the baseball list as Willie Mays Hayes, so of course he has to make this one as well.

Cornerback – Stefen Djordjevic, All the Right Moves

Again, grabbing them right out of high school, but he did so well on the Ampipe Bulldogs that he has to be on the squad.

Safety – Petey Jones, Remember the Titans

After learning that football is no fun and switching from running back, Jones has come into his own.

 

Saftety – Spike Hammersmith, Little Giants

Yeah, he may be the youngest person on the team, but I feel that he has the most intensity.

Kicker – Lucy Draper, Necessary Roughness

I’m excited to change the NFL with my team and finally bring a woman on the field. Plus, I can’t pick Nigel “The Leg” Gruff because I promised no more players from that movie. I debated Ray Finkle from Ace Ventura Pet Detective, but this seemed like the right call.

So who is on your team?

Mill Creek Through the Decades: 1970s Collection: The Stone Killer (1973)

Between The Mechanic, this movie and Death Wish, Michael Winner and Charles Bronson were firing on all cylinders in the early 70s*. Based on A Complete State of Death by John Gardner — a book with a message that was, of course, made into a Michael Winner movie — there are so many car crashes at the end of the film that Hertz Rental came back in a huff to reclaim their cars, met by an angry Winner who yelled, “You should be glad we’re crashing your fucking awful cars. You’ll be able to write them off completely and get nice new ones.”

I love the reviews for this movie, that mostly say things like, “I don’t want to admit that I like a Michael Winner movie.”

Back in 1931, an event called The Night of Sicilian Vespers saw the murder of several mob leaders and Al Vescari (Martin Balsam) hasn’t forgotten. He sets up a plan to get revenge forty years or more later by killing off every Italian and Jewish leader across the country by using “stone killers,” or non-mob-affiliated hitmen. His plan? Hire Vietnam vets to do the work.

Detective Lou Torrey (Bronson) is a New York cop who figures out that a killing is an inside job after taking a witness to Los Angeles and having him killed nearly on arrival. He starts to look deeper and begins to discover exactly what’s going on, but is it too late to stop the plan?

Released in the wake of Dirty Harry, this was sold with the tagline “Take away his badge and he’d top the Ten Most Wanted list!” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I worry about the militarization of our police force and the issues of police brutality, but when it comes to movies, I’m all about cops breaking the rules and getting the job done. That said, Bronson’s character is incredibly open about the “white walls” of society and rebuking racism on the force.

This has a great supporting cast, including David Sheiner (Oscar’s accountant and poker buddy in The Odd Couple), Norman Fell (as the leader of the police force; he’d reunite with one of the younger cops in this, John Ritter, on Three’s Company), Ralph Waite (who was John Walton Sr. on The Waltons and ran against Sonny Bono once and his wife twice for a seat in the California senate), Paul Koslo (who told Shock Cinema “My first day on the set, I sat in his (Bronson’s) chair. The first joke I ever told him was “Hey, Charlie, did you hear the one about the Polish actor?” He said, “No, what?” I said, “Charles Buchinsky!” “Do you think that’s funny?!” Being Polish myself, I thought it was hilarious, but it went over like a lead balloon with Charlie. He’s really Polish, that guy!”), Stuart Margolin (The Rockford Files) and Jack Colvin (who would go on to be one of my most hated characters ever, Jack MgGee, the man who ruined Dr. David Bruce Banner’s life on The Incredible Hulk).

If you’re someone that’s only seen movies from this century and need a warning on your movies, here’s one: this is a Michael Winner movie. Go in with that knowledge.

*Before this, they’d make Chato’s Land and also made Death Wish 2 and Death Wish 3 together.

Through the Decades: 1970s Collection is new from Mill Creek. It also has A Walk In the Spring Rain, DollarsFun With Dick and JaneThe Owl and PussycatFor Pete’s Sake, The Anderson TapesThe Horsemen, Brother John, Gumshoe and The Last Detail. You can learn more on their site and order it from Deep Discount.

Mill Creek Through the Decades: 1970s Collection: The Horsemen (1971)

Uraz (Omar Sharif) is the son of Tursen (Jack Palance), a stable master and retired buzkashi player, a sport in which horse-mounted players attempt to place a goat or calf carcass in a goal. He has lost his honor when he breaks his leg in a game that his father has bet all of the family’s money on, which means he has to learn how to ride and play again, despite most of his leg.

Based on Joseph Kessel’s Les cavaliers, this was scripted by Dalton Trumbo and directed by John Frankenheimer, who loved the movie even if it wasn’t a financial success.

There’s a lot of animal violence in this, so be warned. I mean, it’s a game played with a dead animal, after all. The same game is played in Rambo III, in case you wondered. Like that movie, the Afghanistan of this film is long gone.

It’s a big Hollywood film about a sport and a place that I can imagine very few people were interested in, which makes me interested in it.

Through the Decades: 1970s Collection is new from Mill Creek. It also has A Walk In the Spring Rain, DollarsFun With Dick and JaneThe Owl and PussycatFor Pete’s Sake, The Anderson TapesThe Stone Killer, Brother John, Gumshoe and The Last Detail. You can learn more on their site and order it from Deep Discount.

DOUBLE UP ON FANGS ON THIS WEEK’S DRIVE-IN ASYLUM DOUBLE FEATURE!

Bill and I will rise from our graves this Saturday at 8 PM EST on the Groovy Doom Facebook and YouTube pages for two vampire classics.

Up first — Michael Pataki — a DIA Double Feature favorite — and William Smith — who should be in every movie — in Grave of the Vampire. You can watch it on Tubi.

If you haven’t seen the show, every week we talk about the movies, show the print ads for it and have a drink that matches each film.

Grape of the Vampire

  • 3 oz. white grape juice
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • 1 oz. vodka
  • 2 oz. club soda
  • 1 twist of lemon
  1. Fill a glass with ice, throwing them in like you’re James Eastman throwing Caleb Croft out a window.
  2. Pour in white grape juice, then pineapple juice, then vodka and stir. Top with club soda and lemon.

Our second movie is The Blood Beast Terror which you can also watch on Tubi and YouTube.

Not So Bloody Mary

  • 1 1/2 oz. vodka
  • 3 oz. carrot juice
  • 1/2 oz. honey
  • 1/2 oz. lemon juice
  1. Mix all ingredients in a shaker with ice while watching over your shoulder for human moth hybrids.
  2. Pour over ice. If you’d like a hotter drink, add some hot sauce.

We can’t wait until Saturday!

JESS FRANCO MONTH: Esclavas del crimen (1987)

Tsai Chin is the daughter of the infamous — and now dead — Fu Manchu, so she’s one Sax Rohmer character. As she controls a large empire of women soldiers who command erotic chemical hypnosis powers, she’s also another Rohmer supervillainess, Sumaru, who Jess Franco already made two movies about — The Million Eyes of Sumaru and The Girl from Rio.

Of course, she’s played by Lina Romay and yes, there’s lots of torture, as she kidnaps a rock band and a private detective named Mandell seeks to chop and kick his way through her forces. As for Fu Manchu, he’s in hell and can only speak through an urn, while Nayland Smith hired Mandell.

This whole thing was shot in a hotel, which is a late career Franco directorial trademark it seems, and there’s no concern for coherence or continuity. It does, however, have its female army dress in thongs and high heels, which doesn’t seem to be the most intimidating of uniforms, but when Franco and Romay build a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude, I guess they can really do anything they’d like.

JESS FRANCO MONTH: La mano de un hombre muerto (1962)

The Sadistic Baron Klaus concerns a series of murders in the remote village of Holfen, a place that still may be haunted by a 17th-century baron who maintained an elaborate torture chamber that hints at the erotic nature of the horror that Franco would spend much of the rest of his career detailing.

Could it be one of the Baron’s ancestors, Max Von Klaus (Howard Vernon)? Or youngest male descendent, Ludwig (Hugo Blanco), who is warned by his grandmother on her deathbed that their family is cursed? Either way, Inspector Borowsky (Georges Rollin) and journalist Karl Steiner (Fernando Delgado) are trying to get the answers.

So yeah — it’s kinda, sorta a nascent giallo, but also a nascent Franco, because having a woman stripped topless, whipped and menaced by a hot poker had to be practically incendiary in 1962 and it presages the many outrageous things that the director would unleash over hundreds of his movies to come.

You can watch this on Kino Cult.

This movie is also on the ARROW PLAYER. Head over to ARROW to start your 30-day free trial. Subscriptions are available for $4.99 monthly or $49.99 yearly. ARROW is available in the US, Canada, the UK and Ireland on the following Apps/devices: Roku (all Roku sticks, boxes, devices, etc), Apple TV & iOS devices, Android TV and mobile devices, Fire TV (all Amazon Fire TV Sticks, boxes, etc), and on all web browsers at https://www.arrow-player.com.

JESS FRANCO MONTH: La Chute des Aigles (1989)

Night of the Eagles is kind of amazing, at least for its cast, because can you believe that Luke Skywalker, Jess Franco, Charlie Sheen’s brother and Count Dooku all made a movie together?

After the success of their two previous movies, Dark Mission: Evil Flowers and Countdown to Esmeralda Bay — both directed by Franco — Eurociné’s boss Marius Lesoeur pushed this movie to get done as soon as possible, thinking it would be a blockbuster. It would lead to a feud between Lesoeur and Franco that would last for the rest of Franco’s life.

Lee plays Walter Strauss, who has a daughter named Lillian (Alexandra Erlich) who has to decide between two men, a soldier named Peter (Hamill) and a composer by the name of Karl (Ramon Estevez), which brings her from being a cabaret singer to the front lines to tragedy, pretty much like everyone and everything in this movie.

With war scenes taken from Alfredo Rizzo’s Heroes Without Glory, Alain Payet’s Hitler’s Last Train and Nathalie: Escape from Hell, as well as Convoi de filles, a movie that Franco co-directed with Pierre Chevalier.

It’s fine — it’s not my kind of movie, but I can respect that Franco was making big movies — well, for him — after Faceless did well. Am I a bad person if I prefer to watch movies where Jess zooms the camera right into the middle of the love of his life?

You can watch this on Tubi.

JESS FRANCO MONTH: Jack the Ripper (1976)

EDITOR’S NOTE: When this was written back on March 2, 2019, I had not yet embraced the evil world of Jess Franco. That has seemingly changed. I mean, we’re doing an entire month of his movies.

I’ve made it through plenty of Jack the Ripper movies by now and I can point out all of their cliches: a foggy dark night, a man in a cape and a hat, ladies of ill repute singing and screaming “Want some love, guv’nor” and a flash of the blade. Then Jess Franco shows up and makes a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with reality but hey — Klaus Kinski!

At the time I watched this, I hadn’t liked any of Francos’s movies other than Vampyros Lesbos. But I still found some nice things to say:

The color is particularly nice here, that rich 1970’s European kind of color that movies just don’t have anymore. Klaus Kinski is as creepy as ever as Jack the Ripper. And hey — it’s the first Ripper movie I’ve watched all week where he cut off a woman’s breast in full view, much less Franco’s muse, Lina Romay.

This was, at the time, the most professional looking of Franco’s films that I’ve seen*. The scene of the fishermen finding the severed hand has a poetic grace to them that is usually lacking from his work. But if you’re looking for a historic Jack the Ripper film, know that this ends up with him arrested and the reason for his killing spree being that he’s murdering women who look like his mother, who was a prostitute.

The important thing about loving movies is giving more than one chance. While I don’t love everything Franco made, I’ve learned which products are great and which ones have, well, acquired taste.

*I’d say Venus in Furs is much better, if asked.

Mill Creek Through the Decades: 1970s Collection: The Anderson Tapes (1971)

A few days out of jail and John “Duke” Anderson (Sean Connery) is back with his lover Ingrid (Dyan Cannon) and already planning his next job: robbing every single apartment in her building with the help of a furniture van.

To do the job right, he needs the right crew. So he gathers a team that includes antiques dealer Haskins (Martin Balsam), the safecracker known as The Kid (an incredibly young Christopher Walken) and Pop (Stan Gottlieb), an old-timer who is finally out of jail. However, Angelo (Alan King), the mob boss who funds this operation, forces him to bring along — and kill — “Socks” Parelli (Val Avery) as part of the job, making things even more complicated.

This movie has a great cast, with Conrad Bain, Garrett Morris, Ralph Meeker*, Scott Jacoby and Margaret Hamilton in her last role. It’s beyond prophetic in how overly watched we would be, as every step of the crew is watched, listened to and recorded by a number of government agencies, as well as a team of amateur radio operators. It was released one year to the day before Watergate, which announced just how watched we all are.

Based on the book by Lawrence Sanders, the screenplay was written by Frank Pierso (Cool Hand LukeDog Day Afternoon) and diected by Sidney Lumet (NetworkSerpico). It brought back Connery’s career and stopped his typecasting as James Bond.

*Meeker plays Edward X. Delaney, a continuing character of Sanders, who would be played by Frank Sinatra in The First Deadly Sin.

Through the Decades: 1970s Collection is new from Mill Creek. It also has A Walk In the Spring Rain, DollarsFun With Dick and JaneThe Owl and PussycatFor Pete’s Sake, The HorsemenThe Stone Killer, Brother John, Gumshoe and The Last Detail. You can learn more on their site and order it from Deep Discount.