A few years ago, I came up with an All-Star movie baseball team. Now that the Pro Bowl is coming this weekend, I’ve picked my lineup of the best movie football players. I invite you to reply with your own draft to see if you can defeat my team — The B&S About Movies Bullies.
Quarterback – Shane Falco, The Replacements
I have a theory here, so go with me. Falco was recruited to play for the Washington Sentinels after a strike hit the league with four games left in the season. He’s a former All-American from Ohio State who badly lost the Sugar Bowl and just fixes boats instead of being a star quarterback. Or is he just undercover? Because he’s played by Keanu Reeves, who also played FBI Special Agent John “Johnny” Utah in Point Break, an Ohio State quarterback who went undercover after leaving football thanks to a knee injury. Also, who amongst us hasn’t been hungover on a Sunday and enjoyed The Replacements on WTBS?
Back up: Flash Gordon, Flash Gordon
Does anyone love football more than a man that introduces himself to an alien race by shouting “Flash Gordon: Quarterback, New York Jets.”? When the game gets close, he will save every one of us.
Running back – Billy Cole, The Last Boy Scout
Sure, there may be better running backs. But how many other players are Tae Bo king Billy Blanks, much less will bring a gun on the field and kill as many players as he can to ensure that the L.A. Stallions win? So like Eternal Champions on Genesis, I have pulled Billy from the point in time before he blows his mind out all over the endzone and jammed him up with even more PCP guaranteeing some chaos.
Fullback/running back – Guard Dunham, The Longest Yard
If you’re just starting to figure out that most of my team has no concerns about penalty yards, just remember that I’m from the hometown of the biggest heels in football, the Pittsburgh Steelers. And that’s the bottom line.
Wide receiver – Rod Tidwell, Jerry McGuire
I might despise this movie, but I have no worry that Tidwell can get the yards we need to win. I am prepared to show him the cash.
Wide receiver – Phillip Elliot, North Dallas Forty
Sure, he has a painkiller problem, but who in the league doesn’t? This team needs a veteran to get the kids in line and there’s no one better at that than this guy.
Tight end – Cheeseburger Eddy, The Longest Yard
I’m drafting based on passion. After all, he’s the man who said, “I got the shakes that’ll make you quake. I got the fries that’ll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that’ll… I just got burgers.”
Guard – Billy Bob, Varsity Blues
Yeah, he may not emotionally be that prepared for the big leagues, but there’s no one that cares about the team (and his truck) more.
Guard – Jamal Jackson, The Replacements
A big part of me just wants to draft the entire Washington replacement squad. But that feels like cheating.
Tackle – Louie Lastik, Remember the Titans
“I’m Louie Lastik, I’m offensive lineman, naval family just moved here from Bayonne, someone said football, so I come runnin’. What’s goin’ on everybody?” Welcome to the team. Also, Ethan Suplee, who played thsi role, is in amazing shape today, so that goes into account.
Tackle – Jumbo Fumiko, The Replacements
I promise, no more Washington Sentinels after this one.
Center – Manumana, Necessary Roughness
Good at playing both sides, this big man is perfect for my team of bruisers.
Defensive Line – Switowski, The Longest Yard
I picked this one because that’s Bob Sapp. If you watched Japanese wrestling in the 2000s, he was one of the few bright spots.
Defensive Line – Charles Jefferson, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
“I thought he just flew in for games.” Yes, sometimes you need to recruit young.
Defensive Line – Andre Krimm, Necessary Roughness
Yes, I picked Krimm just to get to hang out with Sinbad.
Defensive Line – Samson, The Longest Yard
I think the idea of having players from both versions of this movie is great. And hey — Richard Kiel. Talk about scaring the QB!
Linebacker – Luther “Shark” Lavay, Any Given Sunday
Played by Lawrence Taylor, this man is ready to lead our blitz.
Linebacker – Bobby Boucher, The Waterboy
What Bobby may not have in smarts, he does have in the ability to destroy quarterbacks.
Linebacker – Joey “Battle” Battagilo, The Longest Yard
Can the guards and prisoners get along on my team? They better. They can take out all the hate between one another on the other teams. And hey – Bill Goldberg played for the Falcons.
Cornerback – Trumaine, Wildcats
Wesley Snipers made the baseball list as Willie Mays Hayes, so of course he has to make this one as well.
Cornerback – Stefen Djordjevic, All the Right Moves
Again, grabbing them right out of high school, but he did so well on the Ampipe Bulldogs that he has to be on the squad.
Safety – Petey Jones, Remember the Titans
After learning that football is no fun and switching from running back, Jones has come into his own.
Saftety – Spike Hammersmith, Little Giants
Yeah, he may be the youngest person on the team, but I feel that he has the most intensity.
Kicker – Lucy Draper, Necessary Roughness
I’m excited to change the NFL with my team and finally bring a woman on the field. Plus, I can’t pick Nigel “The Leg” Gruff because I promised no more players from that movie. I debated Ray Finkle from Ace Ventura Pet Detective, but this seemed like the right call.
So who is on your team?