Oh no, this is really Carnosaur 6.

Dr. Harrison Parker (Jeff Fahey) has created the Eden Formula, which can reproduce organisms and cure diseases. Instead of helping people, the other scientists in his company have decided to reanimate a dinosaur to impress stockholders, which really proves that this movie is realistic because I can totally see that happening. And then industrial espionage happens with James Radcliffe (Tony Todd) breaking in and setting a T. Rex — this movie was also called Tyrannosaurus Wrecks — loose in Los Angeles where it goes after Rhonda Shapton (Dee Wallace).

So yeah. A star-studded cast, the effects guy who worked on the first movies — John Carl Buechler — writing and directing, all with the same rubbery effects you made fun of in the last five Carnosaur movies. They haven’t gotten any better. In fact, they may have gotten worse.

You know, we should take out a fund and just pay Tony Todd for his service in these movies. He deserves so much better than to be dressed as fake Morpheus and battling off-screen lizards from a movie made thirteen years ago.

Directed by Jim Wynorski, produced by Roger Corman and starring Eric Roberts and Corbin Bernsen, all based around the footage from the Carnosaur movies and new reaction shots? Man, if a movie has been made for the purpose of ending up on this site, it’s Raptor, which may as well be Carnosaur 4.

Sheriff Jim Tanner (Roberts, who has made a Faustian bargain with us where we must watch all of his movies if we want to keep our souls and blu ray collections) and his assistant Barbara investigate a series of mutilations which leads them to ex-military scientist Dr. Hyde (Bernsen) who is cloning dinosaurs.

I kind of love that film stock changes, lighting changes, dinosaurs change and everything looks completely put together with chewing gum and some masking tape. Yet the end fight — again ripping off Aliens — has Eric Roberts in a forklift battling a giant rubbery dinosaur and you know, these are the kind of moments where life ever so fleetingly makes sense.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Some terrorists think they’re stealing uranium. Nope, it’s frozen dinosaurs.

Some cops think they’re going after drug dealers. Nope, they find dead terrorists and then get killed by two velociraptors and a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

As for you, you’re here for the third Carnosaur movie, one that stars Scott Valentine, who went from being Nick Moore on Family Ties — a character so popular that they tried to spin him off three times* — to My Demon Lover, Roger Corman’s Black Scorpion movies and The Unborn 2.

He’s Colonel Rance Higgins, who must team with Dr. Hodges (Janet Gunn, Silk Stalkings) to escape the dinosaurs.

Seeing as how this was once called Primal Species, it was not made to be a Carnosaur movie. But we all know how 90s direct to video sequels work. I also have been made aware that 2001’s Raptor has footage from these films — and stars Eric Roberts — which means I will have to watch it, as does the 2006 movie The Eden Formula which also has the much better title Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

*Taking It Home was canceled when Valentine’s co-star, Herschel Bernardi, died. Anther was a Friends style sitcom and the third was The Art of Being Nick, which did air unlike the other two pilots but was not picked up.

This movie went into production before Carnosaur was even done. That’s how it works in Corman world, because this was going to be a big direct to video success. It’s still Aliens with dinosaurs and ends the same way as the first one, as a T. Rex battles a forklift.

What starts as a nuclear meltdown turns into a storage facility packed with cloned dinosaurs. Along the way, you’ll see the boom mic, tape marks on the floor and puppeteers in frame, but the dinosaurs are a little better as the team had a week of post-production this time.

Director Louis Morneau also made some other sequels, like Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead and The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting. Michael Palmer, who wrote it, also was behind another Corman sequel, Watchers III.

You can make fun of these down and dirty sequels all you want, but the crew worked 16 hour days for 18 days in a row, which is a huge effort to deliver a movie under budget and way ahead of expectations. So if some things go wrong, well, so be it. It’s incredible that any movie gets made.

Following the events of The Prophecy: Uprising, Allison (Kari Wuhrer) continues his mission of protecting the book that writes itself, the Lexicon, as it predicts the war in Heaven and the name of the Antichrist.

Now, Stark (Tony Todd) is leading renegade angels called Thrones to get the book while Allison is assisted by Dylan (Jason Scott Lee, who played Bruce Lee in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story), a killer who decides to not kill her and keep her safe.

Filmed at the same time as the last movie in Bucharest, Romania by director and writer Joel Soisson who would soon make a trilogy of Dracula movies for Dimension — also with Lee — the fifth Prophecy film is better than you’d think and if you miss Christopher Walken, at least you can appreciate the world-building and mythology that gets carried across five movies.

Compare that to how Hellraiser got treated and come back to these movies and let me know what you think.

There’s no Christopher Walken, but would you perhaps like Doug Bradley, Sean Pertwee, and Kari Wuhrer instead? No? Oh well…

Joel Soisson, who produced the last films in this series and wrote the third one, both wrote and directed this one. And much like every movie made in the 2000s that was a horror sequel, it was shot in Bucharest, Romania and made at the same time as the fifth movie in this series The Prophecy: Forsaken.

Theology student Allison (Wuhrer) has discovered The Lexicon, a mysterious book of prophecies that writes itself, including a brand new chapter of the Book of Revelation that will explain how the war between the angels comes to an end and who the Antichrist is. The demon Belial and the angel Simon both want to use the book for evil and good, so Belial kills people and steals their bodies while Simon starts to guide Allison by using her mental illness to speak directly to her, which is not something that works in a movie in 2021.

The thing I do enjoy about this movie is that it turns out that even Satan doesn’t like the black and white world of evil and good any longer. That makes sense and is very true to who the devil could be.

You may come into this movie upset that it changes so much, but in truth, it’s a good film. By comparison to the Hellraiser series and where that goes, this holds up well.

Joel Soisson didn’t just produce this one, he also wrote it, and worked with director Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000, Drive Angry) to wrap up the trilogy of The Prophecy but yeah, there were two more movies to go.

That said, this does a fine job of changing things up, as now Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is protecting the half-human, half-angel Danyael Rosales — the child ready to be born in the last movie — from Pyriel the Angel of Genocide who wants to destroy every one of the human monkeys.

There’s Steve Hytner showing up again as the coroner, who unleashes this astounding display of scriptwriting: “Look. I’ve had four gutted hermaphrodites burn to black pitch right under my nose. I’ve had one cop, my best friend, driven insane by the angels shrieking in his head…before somehow spontaneously combusting in a madhouse he had mistaken for a monastery. A pretty young woman, now dead, knocked up by a stranger who left her three months pregnant in only 48 hours. And just yesterday, a young man, allegedly her son, shot up six ways to sundown, crawled out of a drawer and waltzed out like Lazarus. So yeah. I’m pretty much open to a buffet of possibilities.”

While I wish that the series ended here, I get that the 90s demanded an endless release schedule of direct to video horror. I know that the temptation to keep these series going was high, so if there were five Prophecy movies, I guess that’s how it had to be.

Porky’s was a big deal in the 80s, a time before easy access to pornography. Because while that movie is set in the 50s, it delivers on what it promises: female nudity and plenty of it.

And sure, in 1994 it seemed like it took ten minutes to download a photo online, but the hose of non-stop pulchritude that was able to be beamed directly into your home had already started to trickle.

And that’s when Lontano Investments purchased all the rights to Porky’s.

Seven years later, they still hadn’t made a movie.

That’s when they signed a deal with Mola Entertainment, who promised to make the movie for the price of 1.5% of the movie’s budget and option fees, as well as the opportunity to make a sequel as long as they made a movie within five years. Legal wrangled ensured and years went by with no movie, as the big stumbling block was that Lontano Investments demanded that the new Porky’s must have a $10 million dollar budget.

So eight years later, Mola decided to spend a million to make an ashcan — a film made just to satisfy the contract and retain their rights so that they could make the sequel and then make money there, which seems like a wild plan — by making Porky’s Pimpin’ Pee Wee.

And that’s when they brought on Brian Trenchard-Smith.

Yes, the same man who made Stunt Rock, Turkey Shoot and The Man from Hong Kong.

“I call it Young Republicans in Love. Think about it. These characters are all pretty vile. Sex-obsessed, narcissistic young people,” the director explained to Moviefone.

Yeah, that’s the same Brian Trenchard-Smith.

Hired four weeks before filming — which took place over 15 days on location in Canyon Country and at a studio in Simi Valley — the movie got made. But was it enough?

No one’s really sure.

Mola believed that they had fulfilled their obligations and retained rights to make another sequel. However, Lontano claimed that the film required that $10 million dollar budget.

In 2002, Howard Stern acquired the remake rights. 11 years later, the parties reached a confidential settlement and agreed to dismiss a claim and counterclaim with prejudice. The terms of the settlement remain confidential.

And we still don’t have a $10 million dollar budget version of Porky’s…even if we don’t need one.

Somehow, the movie we got is supposed to be a sequel to the original trilogy despite the fact that the last time we saw Pee Wee, Meat and Tommy was in 1954 and they haven’t aged a day in the last 55 years. Did they walk through a gap in the space-time continuum? Are they clones? Perhaps robots? The movie never tells us.

However, the movie — with one lone exception we’ll get into — this movie is the most sex-positive teen sex comedy I’ve seen in a long time as well as one of the filthiest. There’s not much outright copulation, but plenty of sex toys, filthy talk and even male genitals being shown in outline and grabbed, something that rarely happens in these films.

Also, the story revolves around Porky’s daughter breaking away from her father’s house of the rising sun and making her own modern brothel thanks to the three male characters, who need to make money after a party destroys a vase.

That’s right. A Risky Business by way of 80s sitcom plot for a movie that has deep throat incurred puking.

This is also a movie where no one is truly exploited and all of the sex work in bright and cheery and you know, more of that please. It truly does not judge anyone for their kinks or their needs or their ability to make money from their bodies until the end, when one of the “what happened to these characters” moments reveals that one got the clap — maybe this is the 50s — and points an arrow at who gave it to him, shaming a woman in the midst of so many characters that went through this guilt-free.

Anyways, this movie is much more interesting for the story of how it came to be than what it is. But I think you figured that out by now.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Nothing succeeds like success. So when The Prophecy did well, that meant that not just one but four more movies would follow. And sure, the cast isn’t as good, but Jennifer Beals plays a nurse who gets instantly pregnant with a nephilim baby thanks to a rebel angel moonlighting as a rock star, as well as a young Brittany Murphy, Eric Roberts (again, we are fated to watch every one of his movies) and Glenn Danzig as the angel Samayel, which was something that made me rent this more than once to see a short and gruff cherubim for a few seconds.

Thomas Daggett is now Bruce Abbott from Re-Animator and is also a monk given to — cue the title — prophecy. That child of angel and human will stop the war in Heaven, so Gabriel is back to stop that child from being born. And man, Roberts plays St. Michael the Archangel, so you have no idea how happy that makes me, as the prayer of St. Michael the Archangel is filled with promises of stopping the devil in his battles against humanity.

Walken does get off a few great lines, like this one: “I sang the first hymn when the stars were born. Not that long ago, I announced to a young woman, Mary, who it was she was expecting. On the other hand, I’ve turned rivers into blood, kings into cripples, cities to salt, so I don’t think that I have to explain myself to you.”

This one ends with Gabriel as a homeless human, cast out of heaven, but when there’s lightning in the sky, you know that his story is far from over.