Tag Archives: 2005

Umezu Kazuo: Kyôfu gekijô – Purezento (2005)

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Kazuo Umezu is a Japanese manga artist, musician and actor. Starting his career in the 1950s, he is among the most famous artists of horror manga and has broken the industry’s conventions by introducing the gore of Japanese folktales. His most famous stories are The Drifting Classroom, Makoto-chan, Reptilia and My Name Is Shingo. In 1995, he had to retire from regular publishing due to tendinitis after finishing Fourteen. Movies based on his work — as well as movies he’s writtem and at times directed — include The Snake Girl and the Silver-Haired Witch, Tamami: The Baby’s Curse and Drifting Classroom.

Kazuo Umezu’s Horror Theater was a six-part TV series that featured stories by Kazuo Umezu. This story is directed by Yūdai Yamaguchi (Meatball Machine, Jigoku Kôshien).

Yuko (Kiyo Ôshiro) wakes up on Christmas Eve frightened of Santa Claus. Her parents tell her that everything will be fine. We fast forward to Yuko nearly grown and attending a Christmas party in a hotel that looks just like the snow globe she had on her dresser. All of the rooms look like they’re decorated with things from her room and the man at the front desk is dressed like Santa.

She gives herself as a gift to Ryosuke (Takamasa Suga) as her friends go to party, but they soon hear a loud noise. As they get to the hallway, one of their friends is dying, barely able to say “We’ve been desecrating Holy Christmas. So this is Santa’s revenge. He said that he’ll retrieve… the presents he gave us in the past.*”

Santa has a wild weapon that is on the end of his chain. He uses it repeatedly to rip legs and arms off. Also: This movie has people puking in almost every scene, which I think would be the natural reaction to all of the nonstop gore these party kids are seeing throughout the movie. And man, Santa is using all these bodies — he crushes one in his magical bag of toys at one point — to feed to his reindeer.

By the end, it’s all a dream. Or is it? And whose dream is it if it is a dream? There aren’t many holiday movies that end with a young girl reaching into someone’s skull to pull out their maggot-strewn brain, are there? Because I’ve never seen that before.

There are a lot of killer Santa movies. There are none willing to go as hard as this except perhaps the original Silent Night, Deadly Night and Sint. Heads are chopped off, Donner and Blitzen eat brains and someone is even murdered with a Christmas light through the mouth. Merii Kurisumasu!

You can watch this on YouTube.

*Thanks Outlaw Vern!

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2023: Segreti di donna (2005)

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Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which is working to save the lives of cats and dogs all across America, giving pets second chances and happy homes.

Today’s theme: Viewer’s choice

He doesn’t need it, but I find myself very protective of Bruno Mattei.

Sure, his movies are objectively not good, but he’s always entertained me. I find myself just so amused by the fact that he would blatantly steal not just concepts but whole movies and even footage that I can’t dislike his movies. In fact, I find myself getting angry at anyone who doesn’t find him just as funny as me. How can people have no sense of joy?

Anyways, I don’t have many of his films left as first-time watches — the ones that remain are La provinciale a lezione di sesso and Orient Escape, which are not on Letterboxd and Armida, il dramma di una sposa; Sesso Perverso, Mondo Violento; Uno storico pasticcio and the sequel to this movie. All of those movies have been seen by under a hundred people on Letterboxd combined, so needlessly to say I’ve been on the hunt for all of them.

This film — Secrets of a Woman — is an aberration in that its a softcore sex movie made in 2005, an era where actual pornography is available without needing to look for it. Yet here’s Bruno Mattei, 74 years old and making shot on video adult cinema for someone, anyone who wants it.

American sexologist Nicole Wilson (Kathy Novak, who is in exactly this one movie and nothing else) has traveled to the Far East with her assistant and translator Jane Dimao (Yvette Yzon, who stars in most of Mattei’s movies from the mid 2000s video era, including Island of the Living Dead, Zombies: The Beginning and The Jail: The Women’s Hell). She’s been invited by Professor George Woo (Robert Davis) to study the sexual fantasies of Asian women.

Writer Antonio Tentori worked with plenty of Italian genre masters in the twilight — literally, the guy wrote Dracula 3D — of their careers. He wrote Cat In the Brain and Demonia for Fulci, Frankenstein 2000 for D’Amato and most of the Philippines-shot Mattei movies before writing movies like Catacomba, Nightmare Symphony, Flesh Contagium and Come una crisalide.

The investigation of these fantasies allows for Mattei to seemingly take scenes directly from other movies. I apologize — I forgot to use his name for this film — Pierre Le Blanc directed this. Or remixed it, really. I have no idea where these scenes come from but they’re often different quality and even film stocks, which for the non-one handed watchers in the audience can be very disconcerting. Also, since this is a mid 2000s movie, some of the music seemingly is straight up ballad pop punk stuff instead of being what you’d expect. Well, I’d say library music, but I’ve also seen films where Mattei goes Godfrey Ho and just starts grabbing music from other films as if to dare lawyers to send him a cease and desist. Sadly, he never plays progressive rock deep cuts and early synth artists like Godfrey.

So yeah, this is not a good movie at all. It’ll remind you of Cinemax After Dark stuff you watched if you grew up in the 80s and 90s before the era of easily obtainable nudity. But you know, I’ll also defend it like I would that kid who has big thick taped up glasses and is on the spectrum. Such is the way I feel of Bruno. Or Vincent Dawn. Or David Hunt.

I could — and will — go on.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2023: A Werewolf In the Amazon (2005)

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Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which is working to save the lives of cats and dogs all across America, giving pets second chances and happy homes.

Today’s theme: Werewolf

Paul Naschy* played a werewolf in so many movies, including the child film Good Night, Mr. Monster; the monster-filled comedy It Smells Like Death Here (Well, It Wasn’t Me) and the Waldemar Daninsky series of movies: The Mark of the Wolfman, Las Noches del Hombre Lobo, The Fury of the Wolfman, The Fury of the Wolfman, The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman, Dr. Jekyll and the Werewolf, The Return of Walpurgis, Curse of the Beast, Return of the Wolf Man, The Beast and the Magic Sword, Licantropo: the Full Moon Killer and Tomb of the Werewolf. This is his last time playing a lycanthrope.

Directed by Ivan Cardosa, this is about a group of teenagers who go into the jungle with a guide named JP (Evandro Mesquita). None of them know that Dr. Moreau (Naschy) is trying to make animal human hybrids. He already failed with a group of Amazons and yet he’s kept working. Maybe even on himself, as we learn when the moon gets full at night.

Most of the women get nude and as you can imagine, quite a few sleep with Naschy’s character, despite him being 71 when this was made, so he gives me hope. There’s also a musical number when an Incan spirit appears and starts singing. I loved that.

*You can read more about his werewolf films in this article.

 

2023 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 5: Feast (2005)

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5. ENJOY YOUR STAY: Park your keister for a single location flick.

Directed by John Gulager (whose father Clu is in this) and written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, this film was teased by an entire season of Project Greenlight.

A man identified as the hero (Eric Dane) appears in a scummy Nevada bar, holding the head of a monster and basically telling everyone what they need to do if they want to live. He’s killed in seconds, which lets you know that nothing in this movie will be what you expect.

His wife — heroine (Navi Rawat) — shows up just in time for Vet (Anthony “Treach” Criss), Edgy Cat”(Jason Mewes) and Harley Mom (Diane Ayala Goldner) to get killed.

The monsters can’t be reasoned with. They want to procreate and kill and not always in that order or exclusively, if you get what I’m saying and I think you do.

Even kids aren’t safe, as Tuffy (Krista Allen) loses her son Cody (Tyler Patrick Jones)  to the monsters. Not even comic relief is safe, as Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander) is thrown up on and melts. At least Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) has to get naked to wash all the blood off, because you know, foreign investors.

At this point, who knows who will make it. Anyone? Bozo (Balthazar Getty)? Coach (Henry Rollins)?Hot Wheels (Josh Zuckerman)?

Despite giving birth to two sequels, I can’t believe that Feast isn’t mentioned more often. I always confused it with Slither until I finally watched both. Then again, isn’t Slither more like Night of the Creeps than this one? Then again, both of these movies are so made up of influences that you could see them taking from so many movies, you know?

You can watch this on Tubi.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 1: Splice (2005)

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1: A French Canadian Horror Film.

Vincenzo Natali made Cube and he proved that he was more than just one film. Actually, he keeps on doing that. But man, Splice has creatures and moments that upset me and I thought I’d seen it all.

Genetic engineers Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody, as creepy as he was when he tried to be rasta) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) are creating hybrid creatures by splicing animal and human DNA. Employed by N.E.R.D. (Nucleic Exchange Research and Development), their assignment is to create new proteins for the next wave of prescription drugs. What they create are Fred and Ginger, two Cronenbergian creatures that are going to mate and then create a wonderful new form of life.

One problem. N.E.R.D. owners Joan Chorot (Simona Maicanescu) and William Barlow(David Hewlett) want them to start dissecting Fred and Ginger and get on with making drugs.

Elsa wants a child and through Dren, the creature that they create — she even gets her DNA into it — is that baby. Or something. It refuses to die, constantly evolving to become something new each time it seems that its life is in danger. Yet it’s more animal than human, unwilling to learn that a cat is something you keep and not kill with your stinger tail. Of course, once Clive cuts it off her in a horrifying scene, the humans are even worse than a creature that only has the instincts that it was given, much less the sociopathic tendencies of Elsa’s family tree.

This movie also has one of the most upsettingly awesome sex scenes I’ve ever seen, one that somehow gets interspecies mating and incest into one frothy mix of torment.

I’m glad that Natali, who also wrote this with Antoinette Terry Bryant and Doug Taylor, was able to keep this movie from getting sequel after sequel. And I had no idea Dren was played by an actual human, Abigail Chu as a child and Delphine Chanéac as an adult, because there’s an uncanny valley about the way she appears. She really does look unlike any other life form. Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero designed eleven different versions of her and there is some digital art there, as her eyes — those are really the eyes of the actress — have been spaced further apart.

THE FILMS OF NEIL BREEN: Double Down (2005)

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Aaron Brand (Neil Breen) is the best there is at what he does. Really, he is. A mercenary killing machine who work counterterrorism assignments for both American and foreign governments, his life is ruined when his fiancee Megan (Laura Hale) is murdered while they’re in the pool together. That’s when he decides to become a terrorist himself, all while helping the world defeat other terrorists, he’s turning a car into a killing base complete with numerous hacking laptops and an invisibility device, all with the plan of unleashing anthrax in the middle of Las Vegas.

Also, all he eats is tuna. And yes, just like every other Neil Breen character, he met the love of his life at the age of seven.

But unlike so many other snarky reviews of his movie, I’m not here to make fun of the work of Breen. No, quite the opposite. I’m absolutely fascinated — and comforted — by his movies. The tics of character, the repetition of story beats, the fact that his character is absolutely impossibly skilled in a way that no human being could ever be. He’s an infallible man — or sometimes god or even God — facing off with an imperfect world so often, a world that has let him down in the most horrific ways possible and must reconcile his infinite power and need to perhaps destroy those that have wronged him with something missing, often love or connection.

This is the conundrum and duality at the heart of every Neil Breen hero. This is someone who makes millions of dollars a year for world governments keeping order yet keeps none of it, barely scraping by in the desert while he donates that money to various children support charities all over the world such as “orphanages, hospitals and schools and supporting evacuees from national disasters around the globe like hurricanes, like Katrina.” With bio-electric implants, he does things like shut down the Vegas strip — Sam’s Town probably stayed open — or kills white collar criminals, leaving the desert filled with their bodies, all while the blood money goes to the kids. Kind of like how we had to begrudgingly admire Jerry Lewis for doing his telethon despite by the end of the weekend he was snapping at his band and verbally abusing the crew on national television.

Now, you may ask, why don’t the governments of the world kill off Aaron if he’s becoming so powerful? Well, he planted bioterror bombs in seven critical cities and if anyone tries, the whole world pays. He’s the kind of good at his job that never has to go look for a new one. But you know, who else would be qualified for whatever exactly his skillset is. And if anyone tries to get to him in the desert, there’s an invisible shield that kills anyone but Aaron.

Despite being the best ever, Aaron screws up a hit and the people he was supposed to kill are so afraid that he’s after him, they end up killing themselves. Problem solved. He also meets an old man in the desert who dies in his arms. And through it all, he just wants to believe that something extraordinary is possible.

Or he’ll kill the world.

I refuse to ironically like these movies or find them to be some kind of pose. Because there’s something in these, some vision and message. Certainly they are in no way like any other movie you’ve ever seen and instead of making them fit into that box, why not open yourself up and go beyond, you know?

Jenifer (2005)

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“Jenifer” is based on a ten-page black-and-white story — written by Bruce Jones and illustrated by Berni Wrightson — that originally appeared in Creepy 63.

Directed — for Showtime in America no less — by Dario Argento and written by star Steven Weber, this is the story of Frank Spivey (Weber) and Jenifer (Carrie Fleming). They first meet when he saves her from a man who is trying to kill her with a meat cleaver. As a cop, Spivey tries to save her as the man says, “You don’t know what she is.” He kills the man before he can kill Jenifer. And when he sees her face, it doesn’t match her luscious body. Instead, it looks quite a bit like the child in Phenomena.

That night, while making love to his wife Ruby (Brenda James), all he can think about is Jenifer. Whatever it is about her makes him grow violent and Ruby shoves him off. It turns out that no one will take her, so he brings Jenifer home, which disgusts his wife and son Pete (Harris Allen). Yet at night, he keeps dreaming of making love to her.

Ruby tells him that he must get rid of the girl, so he drives around, trying to find somewhere to leave her. Instead, she seduces him, eats the family cat and then murders a young neighbor named Amy (Jasmine Chan). Realizing that all hope is lost, Frank leaves town with her, looking for a hidden town somewhere that they can hide out in.

Frank starts to work at a general store and begins to lose his fascination with Jenifer as he’s starting to have feelings for the store’s owner. Jenifer retaliates by finding that woman’s son, seducing him and, well, eating his penis while the teen screams in pain. Frank then tries to kill her and just like Spellbinder, the cycle starts all over again when a man saves her from a murderous Frank.

Of all the Masters of Horror episodes in the first season, this was the first to be censored with oral sex taken out and Jenifer literally castrating the young man on screen. Another story, Takeshi Miike’s “Imprint,” was outright rejected by Showtime.

There’s also a great score by Claudio Simonetti and plenty of gruesome sights from KNB. Sure, Argento’s filming here looks like a TV movie because that’s what it is. He is following a lot of the panels of the comic book, though. He would return for the second season to make “Pelts.”

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: Tamara (2005)

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April 1: New boss, same as the old boss — Start the month off with something that’s April Fool’s in nature.

Tamara Riley (former dancer Jenna Dewan) is, well, Carrie and is in love with the only person who treats her with any kindness, her teacher Mr. Natolly (Matthew Marsden). She’s also a talented writer, but when an article about steroid abuse amongst her school’s athletes gets published, two of them — Shawn (Bryan Clark) and Patrick (Gil Hacohen) — want revenge.

Did I mention that Tamara is Carrie? Well, she’s also a witch and tries a love spell that binds her to her beloved teacher. How amazing is it that he calls her right away and asks her to join him in a motel? That’s really the jocks, along with Kisha (Melissa Elias) — who is in on the plan — and Chloe (Katie Stuart), Jesse (Chad Faust) and Roger (Marc Devigne) — who aren’t. And said plan goes horribly wrong, as when they surprise her and start filming her nude, she flips out and is killing seconds later. Just like I Know What You Did Last Summer, everyone is guilty even if they were just there as they all agree to cover it up.

Except that Tamara shows up for school the next day, looking like a whole new woman. Beyond looking like the most gorgeous girl in school, she’s also able to suggest that people do things, like making Roger broadcast his self-mutilation and suicide. She then visits Mr. Natolly’s wife (Claudette Mink) and calls her infertile, a secret the couple had, before forcing her father — who wants to sleep with her because, well, horror movies — to eat a beer bottle.

She can now even control her tormentors, sending them to kill Allison. I mean, nearly everyone dies in this movie — yes, spoilers for a movie made 17 years ago — even the best of people, all because of pranks. Will we ever learn?

Directed by Jeremy Haft and written by Jeffrey Reddick (whose writing of the first Final Destination gets mentioned on the poster), Tamara is pretty much a mid 2000s horror film trying to redo the past and not getting all that far with it.

JESS FRANCO MONTH: Jess Franco’s Passion (2005)

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In his 2000s movies, Jess Franco often features the same actresses — Fata Morgana, Carmen Montes, Rachel Sheppard and always Lina Romay — and the story doesn’t matter. An all-female remake of Franco’s 1986 film El mirón y la exhibicionista, this has a voyeur watching a new young couple and dealing with her ex, played by Romay.

Made by Jess’ Manacoa company, this is near formless as all it contains is posed male gaze approximations of what Sapphic love entails. We’re paying — whether through lack of art or by the old fashioned way of cash — for an elderly Jess to engage in whatever women he and Lina want to see frolic. I guess at least I should be happy that he figured out a way to get paid for it rather than paying for it.

At least the soundtrack that he created with Daniel White is catchy. This goes along with Jess Franco’s Perversion, a second movie that has more of the same but at least a conclusion. I wonder if Jess was approximating the VCA model which gave us one movie as two films, like Party Doll-A-Go-Go, a formless American movie that I’m sure that he would have just adored.

If you have 191 minutes to watch slow video effects and women writhe, it’s your call. I did it, but I am following that mantra that you have not seen a Jess Franco film unless you see all of his movies.

Great box art, though.

MILL CREEK BLU RAY RELEASE: London (2005)

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Syd (Chris Evans) learns that his ex-girlfriend London (Jessica Biel) is having a going-away party by her friend Rebecca (Isla Fisher) as she’s going to California with her new boyfriend. London destroyed Syd when she broke things off and he refuses to let her escape without telling her how he feels, so he brings along his coke buddy Bateman (Jason Statham) and pretty much gets destroyed and does lines in a bathroom while confessing everything that got him to this point in his life.

Directed and written by Hunter Richards, this is very 2005 in that Dane Cook has a role. Its leads were also dating, which makes sense as to why they’d both do this and hey, at least The Crystal Method soundtrack is pretty good.

Really, if you want to watch 90 minutes of Evans and Statham in a wig doing blow while women come in, urinate and also do blow while those two go off on life, love and urinating on folks, this is on blu ray and looks nice, I guess. This feels like a one room play and at least the leads get to put it all in and go for it. Maybe it’s your favorite movie and you saw it back in the mid 2000s and remember a time when you could randomly go to parties and not deal with a plague and the worst thing was some post-nasal drip and the need to apologize to some people you offended.

You can buy the Mill Creek blu ray of London from Deep Discount.