Tag Archives: 1985

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Demons (1985)

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They will make cemeteries their cathedrals, and the cities will be your tombs. With that line, you know that what you’re about to watch better be the most mind-blowing horror film possible. Good news — Demons is all of that and then some, the kind of movie that has everything that I watch movies for.

I can’t be silent or still while it runs, growing more excited by every moment. It is the perfect synthesis of 1980s gore and heavy metal, presented with no characterization or character growth whatsoever. It’s also the most awesome movie you will ever watch.

This is an all-star film, if you consider Italian ’80s horror creators to be all-stars. Lamberto Bava is directing and doing special effects, Dario Argento producing, a script written by Bava, Argento, Franco Ferrini (Once Upon a Time in America, Phenomena) and Dardano Sacchetti (every single Italian horror film that was ever awesome…a short list includes A Bay of Blood, Shock, The Beyond, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Blastfighter, Hands of Steel and so many more), and assistant directing and acting from Michele Soavi.

The movie begins on the Berlin subway, where Cheryl is pursued by a silver-masked man (Soavi) who hands her tickets to see a film at the Metropol. She brings along her friend Kathy (Paola Cozzo from A Cat in the Brain and Demonia), and they soon meet two boys, George (Urbano Barberini, Gor, Opera) and Ken.

The masked man has brought all manner of folks to the theater: a blind man and his daughter, as well as some interesting couples, including a boyfriend and girlfriend, an older married couple, and Tony the pimp and his girls, one of whom is Shocking Dark‘s Geretta Geretta. As they wait for the movie to begin, a steel mask in the lobby scratches her.

The movie that unspools — a slasher about teenagers who disturb the final resting place of Nostradamus — also has that very same steel mask. When it touches anyone in the movie, they turn murderous. At the very same time, one of the prostitutes scratches herself in the bathroom, and her face erupts into pus and reveals a demon. From here on out, the movie becomes one long action sequence, as the other prostitute transforms into a demon in front of the entire audience.

Meanwhile, four punks do cocaine in a Coke can and break in, releasing a demon into the city as the rest of the movie audience attempts to escape and are killed one by one. Only George and Cheryl survive, as our hero uses a sword and motorcycle to attack the demons before a helicopter crashes through the roof. But then the masked man attacks them!

I’m not going to ruin the rest of the movie, but it will tell you that even the credits offer no safety in the world of Demons. And oh yeah — Giovanni Frezza (Bob from House by the Cemetery) shows up!

Look for Argento’s daughter, Fiore, as Angela. Ingrid, the usherette, is played by Nicoletta Elmi, who was the baron’s daughter in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, as well as appearing in Baron Blood, A Bay of Blood, and Who Saw Her Die?

Demons are ridiculous. Pure goop and gore mixed with power chords, samurai swords, punk rockers and even a Billy Idol song, which had to blow the budget. It also looks gorgeous — filled with practical effects, gorgeous film stock and amazing colors, no doubt the influence of Bava’s father. The scene where the yellow-eyed demons emerge from the blue blackness is everything horror movies should be.

This doesn’t just have my highest recommendation. It earns my scorn if you haven’t seen it yet!

Want to know way too much about this movie and everything connected to it?

Check out this article and the video I created: So what’s up with all the Demons sequels?

Murder, She Wrote S2 E11: Murder Digs Deep (1985)

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An archaeological dig, potentially the site of Coronado’s City of Gold, does not please everyone as a new corpse is discovered.

Season 2, Episode 11: Murder Digs Deep (December 29, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

What if Jessica Fletcher went on an Indiana Jones-style adventure?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Karen Parks is played by Cecile Callan. Most of her career was on TV.

Dr. Aubrey Benton is George Grizzard, a TV movie regular.

Dr. Stan Garfield is David Groh, Rhoda‘s husband Joe. At one point, this guy was on the highest-rated show almost ever.

Raymond Two Crows is Randolph Mantooth from Emergency!

Steve Gamble? That’s Stephen Shortridge, who was on Welcome Back, Kotter.

Man! The Armstrongs, Gideon and Cynthia? Connie Stevens and Robert Vaughn! There’s the starpower!

William Windom is Dr. Seth, as always.

Minor roles are played by Robert Dryer, Jake from Savage Streets, as a guard and Curtis Credel (the Worth Keeter movie Hot Heir) as a Native American.

What happens?

Jessica and Dr. Seth are on a platonic date all the way in New Mexico, digging with the Armstrongs. Joining them are grad students Karen Parkes and Steve Gamble, Dr. Garfrield, who is looking for treasure, Dr. Bento, who is also looking for gold and Native American expert Raymond Twocrows. At night, a Native American dancer keeps trying to scare them away.

The next night, Cynthia gets drunk and shoots at the dancer. He falls down, and it ends up being Raymond, who didn’t die from a gunshot. Yes, this show is a Giallo. Jessica soon shows Seth that Raymond only fell three feet, so that couldn’t be what killed him. It was drowning. In the desert.

The Armstrongs don’t allow anyone to use the radio or go to town to get the police. Jessica decides to look through the caves and scares Seth for the second time this episode, finding a cassette player with tribal chants on it. Someone is trying to scare people off while also leaving relics all around to try to get some more money for the land.

Who did it?

Cynthia, trying to take money off her husband through murder.

Who made it?

This episode was directed by Phillip Leacock and written by Mary Ann Kasica and Michael Scheff.

Does Jessica get some?

I think in this episode, she was testing Dr. Seth to see if he could be a hero and a rough lover. He failed.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

She gets to wear desert dig clothes.

Was it any good?

Sure, it’s alright.

Any trivia?

I love that Raymond ends up being a fake Native American, one of the few examples of evil whitewashing I’ve seen.

Watch when Cynthia shoots at the Native American dancer. Her husband calls her her real name, Connie, not Cynthia.

It’s illegal to dig for relics on Native American reservations.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Is the weather always like this?

Dr. Seth Hazlitt: Nope. It starts to get hot in a couple of hours.

What’s next?

A former student of Jessica’s becomes involved in a love triangle that ends in murder. Robert Culp is in it, but doesn’t show his dick.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: The Last Polka (1985)

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Sept 15-21 Mockumentary Week: “Ladies and gentlemen, by way of introduction, this is a film about trickery – and fraud. About lies. Tell it by the fireside, in a marketplace, or in a movie. Almost any story is almost certainly some kind of lie. But not this time. No, this is a promise. During the next hour, everything you hear from us is really *true* and based on solid facts.”

Yosh (John Candy) and Stan (Eugene Levy) Shmenge came all the way from Leutonia to become the biggest polka band of all time, a career that lasted forever until they retired, which is what this movie is about. It’s also, as the title will tell you, The Last Waltz. Plus, you get the Michael Jackson tribute concert that ruined their career, Linsk Minyk (Rick Moranis) playing a series of road songs and an appearance by The Lemon Twins (Robin Duke, Catherine O’Hara and her sister Mary Margaret O’Hara).

Directed by John Blanchard (Really Weird Tales), this story of the Happy Wanderers first aired on HBO. You get to see so many of the shows that the brothers did, like Strikes, Spares and Shmenges, a bowling show, and the Polka Variety Hour. Plus, hear their most famous song, “Cabbage Rolls and Coffee.”

Nearly everything the SCTV cast did was right on, almost every time. This is perfect —a mockumentary that could convince some that this was a real band.

You can watch this on YouTube.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: The Annihilators (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Annihilators was on USA Up All Night on April 15, October 11 and November 25, 1989.

You know, I’ve wanted to watch this movie because the dude on the cover has a facemask on and is carrying a crossbow. That never really happens in the film, but at least it’s entertaining.

At the end of the Vietnam War, the soldiers known as The Annihilators — Sgt. Bill Ecker (Christopher Stone, The Howling), Garrett Floyd (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs), Ray Track (Gerrit Graham!), Woody (Andy Wood) and Joe (Dennis Redfield) — undertake their final mission, during which Joe is critically injured saving his friends.

Years later, Joe works at his father’s Atlanta convenience store, which is under attack by a street gang led by Roy Boy Jagger (Paul Koslo) and his gang, The Rollers, which ends up costing him his life. His father then begs Bill to teach the neighborhood how to fight back, which pretty much consists of the guys ineffectually shooting at the gang members, and neither side being really able to hit one another, all while trying to stay away from the cops.

Known as Action Force in Europe, this movie would have been much better if I had just watched the poster and gotten high. Well, I learned my lesson, The Annihilators.

Charles E. Sellier Jr. directed this. Yes — the producer of so many of my favorite Sunn Classics films! It was his last time directing after a career that included Encounter with Disaster, Silent Night, Deadly Night and Snowballing. He also created The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.

This movie was made at the same time as Invasion U.S.A. and shared the same stunt team, who worked on this movie during the day and with Chuck Norris at night.

You can watch this on Tubi.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Howling II was on USA Up All Night on April 23, 1994, April 13, 1996 and March 28, 1997.

Even though Gary Brandner, author of The Howling novels, co-wrote the screenplay to this movie, it has nothing to do with his 1979 novel The Howling II, much less the original The Howling. It tries, but this movie is just too weird to fully close the loop.

There’s never been another werewolf movie like this one. Whether that is positive or negative all depends on how much you like werewolves having sex.

Ben White (Reb Brown, who is in a little movie called Yor Hunter from the Future that I could tell you about for many days) is dealing with the death of his sister Karen White, who just so happens to be the heroine of the first of these movies. He joins up with Jenny (Annie McEnroe, who was in Snowbeast and Battletruck) and the mysterious Stefan Crosscoe (Christopher Lee, who apologized to Joe Dante for making this movie) to battle werewolves.

This brings them on a journey to Transylvania and a battle against Stirba (Sybil Danning!), the queen of the werewolves, who is joined by Mariana (Marsha Hunt, who the song “Brown Sugar” is about) and Erle (Ferdy Mayne, who is in another film I can discuss for days and days, Night Train to Terror).

What follows is complete lunacy: werewolf witchcraft, lycan orgies, Sybil Danning repeatedly ripping off her top (the same shot repeated again and again to no complaint), dwarves, priests being killed and punk rock from the band Babel.

Director Philippe Mora actually made some pretty good films, like Mad Dog Morgan, The Beast Within and The Return of Captain Invincible. I’m insane and love this movie, so I will include it in my list of his good ones.

Finally, let’s talk about another subject I can hold court on: Christopher Lee. Mora didn’t know that Sir Lee was a war hero in Czechoslovakia, where this was filmed. Actually, no one did, because he wasn’t allowed to talk about his intelligence work during World War II. When he showed up for filming, he was greeted with a hero’s welcome, as he had killed a top Nazi official named Reinhard Heydrich. In fact, before he became an actor, Lee remained a Nazi hunter for several years.

I also love that this movie was sent the wrong costumes by 20th Century Fox. Instead of wolf suits, they were sent the monkey suits from Planet of the Apes. Lee tried to help fix this by ad-libbing, “The process of evolution is reversed.”

Want to know more about The Howling movies? Check out this article.

Murder, She Wrote S2 E10: Sticks and Stones (1985)

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After Beverly Gareth is electrocuted in her bath, Cabot Cove is flooded with poison pen letters, which prove hard for the town to handle as Amos prepares to hand the reins over to a new sheriff, Harry Pierce. Jessica has her hands full with a travel writer who has come to stay with her for a time to put Cabot Cove on the map.

Season 2, Episode 10: Sticks and Stones (December 15, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Cabot Cove is flooded with negativity, which proves rough for the town to handle as Amos prepares to retire.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

John Astin is back as Harry Pierce, now going from real estate man to perhaps sheriff. This is the last of three appearances by him as this character; he also played Ross Hayley in season 1’s “Hooray for Homicide” and will return as Fritz Randall in season 11.

Spoiler, but this isn’t the last appearance of Tom Bosely as Sherrif Amos. He’d be on the show until season 4, when he left to be the lead on Father Dowling Mysteries.

Friedrich Hoffman is played by Paul Benedict, who you may know best as Harry Bentley from The Jeffersons. He was also in Mandingo, Smile, A Mighty Wind and This is Spinal Tap. He had acromegaly, the same birth defect as Andre the Giant and Rondo Hatton. Still, it was recognized by an endocrinologist whose intervention allowed him to live a much longer life.

George Knapp is played by Joseph Campanella, the voice actor behind the cartoon version of Spider-Man’s enemy, The Lizard. He was also in tons of films like Dead Girls Don’t Tango, Body Chemistry, Hangar 18 and Earthbound.

Larry Burns is played by John David Carson, the son of cowboy actor Kit Carson. He was also in The Fifth Floor, Empire of the Ants and Creature from Black Lake.

Elvira Tree is Marsha Hunt, who was Joe’s mother in Johnny Got His Gun.

Edna is Evelyn Keyes, who was in everything from Gone With the Wind and The Seven Year Itch to Wicked Stepmother, A Return to Salem’s Lot and Hell’s Half Acre. She was married to Artie Shaw.

Nils Anderson is Denny Miller, who played Tarzan in Tarzan, the Ape Man (in 1959, not with Bo Derek) and had henchman roles on numerous TV shows.

Lila Norris is Betsey Palmer, and man, you probably know that I’m obsessed with her.

Michael Digby is played by Parker Stevenson, one of the Hardy Boys.

Adam Frobisher is Christopher Stone, who was in Cujo and The Howling. He was once married to Dee Wallace.

Dr. Seth Hazlitt is back, played by William Windom as always.

Bart Nelson is played by Howard Witt. He was Mr. Boogedy!

Smaller roles include Phillip Brown as Deputy Willard and background roles for Ceil Cabot, Ken Sasnsom, Bob Tzudiker, Garnett Smith, Kristy Syverson and Danny McCoy, Jr.

What happens?

Sheriff Amos has retired for all of a minute when a series of mean letters — ala Needful Things but three years before that came out, but they’re both ripping off the Agatha Christie story The Moving Finger — bring him back in to work with Jessica, as new lawman Harry Pierce is pretty much the worst. Everyone is losing their minds because of these letters, as evidenced by a lady named Edna, who thinks Jessica is sleeping with her husband, so she smacks her in the head.

These letters are being sent because a woman named Beverly planned for letters to be sent out when she dies, as she is convinced that she will be killed. She is — death in the bathtub, my favorite — and she’s not the last, as a suicide soon follows.

Who could have turned the town on itself? Why is Cabot Cove so mean?

Who did it?

In an amazing misdirect — and one I would hope was planned from his first appearance — Harry Pierce shows that he’s more than a bad real estate developer. He’s also a killer and someone who burned down his own buildings for insurance settlements. He even pulls a gun on Jessica and says that he was friends with her and Frank, but now she has to die.

Who made it?

This episode was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by Jackson Gillis, Linda Shank and Mark Giles.

Does Jessica get some?

She’s lucky she didn’t get killed.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

This is a deadly serious episode, even if one woman thinks Jessica was in bed with her spouse.

Was it any good?

Yes! When I first saw this, Gomez Addams being the killer was a shock.

Any trivia?

This is the first time in the series that one person from Cabot Cove murders someone else from the town. Until now, it’s all been crimes involving outsiders.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Sheriff Amos Tupper: Well, one thing’s for sure. This has got accident written all over it. Frayed cord, bathroom door locked from the inside. Even Mrs. Fletcher couldn’t make a murder out of this one.

What’s next?

An archaeological dig, potentially the site of Coronado’s City of Gold, does not please everyone as a new corpse is discovered.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Snowballing (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Snowballing was on USA Up All Night on June 7 and 8, 1991 and January 17 and August 8, 1992.

Snowballing may seem like a teen sex comedy — a Lemon Popsicle, if you will — but instead of being like Hot Dog…The Movie or Ski School, this feels closer to an American-International beach comedy than a sex hijinks movie.

It was directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr., the same man who made Silent Night, Deadly Night. More importantly, he was best known for creating the American book and television series The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams and founding Sunn Classic with Rayland Jensen and Patrick Frawley. You might expect that this would mean that this movie would have more ribald elements. Nope.

Filmed in Park City, Utah, this sat on the shelf for four years before the VHS boom demanded a supply to meet the demand for video rentals. This also had a variety of titles, including Smooth Moves, Snow Job and, perhaps most generically, Winter Vacation.

The owner of the ski resort, Tolson (Bob Hastings, the animated voice of Commissioner Gordon), and Sheriff Gilliam (Bill Zuckert) have been scamming young skiers for years, overcharging them for their rooms for the big downhill race.

Andy (P. R. Paul,  Neon Maniacs), Dan (Michael Sharrett, Deadly Friend) and Al (Steven Tash, the guy who can’t get the ESP quiz right from Bill Murray in Ghostbusters) are three of those young athletes, trying to pick up the ladies like Karen (Mary Beth McDonough, Mortuary), Cheryl (Jill Carroll, Psycho II), Bonnie (Bonnie Hellman, a hitchhiker in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter) and Cheryl (Tara Buckman, the main reason I watched this). Trying to keep them out of trouble is their teacher, Roy Balaban, played by Alan Sues, who you may remember from Laugh-In. He plays a mincing character, but at least there’s one funny part where he puts on an Indiana Jones hat and is chased by a giant snowball.

This had three writers — David O’Malley and Thomas C. Chapman, who also worked on the Sunn-adjacent Hangar 18 and The Boogens, and Norman Hudis, who may have written plenty of cartoons and TV shows, but had the experience of writing Hot Resort, which probably helped here. He also wrote several of the Carry On movies, in case you wonder about the sense of humor in this film.

It was shot by Henning Schellerup, the steady cameraman for the Sunn Classic company, who also directed their Bible TV shows, Beyond Death’s Door and In Search of Historic Jesus, as well as films like Night Pleasures and Three Shades of Flesh. He was also the DP on Curse of the Headless Horseman and Sasqua, as well as shooting Suburban Commando, Rocktober Blood, Halloween 4, Maniac Cop, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Death Race 2000 and many more.

You can watch this on YouTube.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: American Drive-In (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: American Drive-In was on USA Up All Night on February 23 and 24, August 31 and November 17, 1990 and May 31 and December 14, 1991.

Krishna Shah made Hard Rock Zombies, which was supposed to be the movie within this movie, which is a movie all about a drive-in, in case you couldn’t figure that out from the title. The film moves from car to car, with each one telling a different story that all adds up to a very low-end version of American Graffiti.

That may not prepare you for the fact that the movie is also about a country girl who continually gets near-assaulted by some greasers and her boyfriend gets put in the hospital but the tonal shifts in this movie are all over the place, so humor intertwines with a female revenge movie and none of it really adds up.

Also, Hard Rock Zombies basically plays in real-time, so since I already saw it, this felt like being forced to watch that movie all over again.

I’m not mad that I bought this movie nor that I’ve endured it. Emily Longstreth, who plays the country girl named Bobbie Ann, was also in Star Crystal, Hardbodies, Gimme an F, Pretty In Pink, Private Resort and Wired to Kill, which is a B&S About Movies all-star list if I’ve ever written one. Speaking of great resumes, another actress who was in this, Mika, is also in Candyman, Hard Hunted, Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Sword of Heaven.

Murder, She Wrote S2 E9: Jessica Behind Bars (1985)

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Jessica visits a women’s prison and is held captive when an uprising occurs because of abuse and murder at the facility.

Season 2, Episode 9: Jessica Behind Bars (December 1, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica teaches a class for a women’s prison on the day it locks down, and the staff doctor gets killed. She becomes the negotiator between the inmates and the police, trying to solve the crime before the cops arrive.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Dixie is played by Margaret Avery, who sure was in The Color Purple, but I’d tell you she’s from Terror House.

Kathryn is Adrienne Barbeau, and if you don’t know her, what are we even doing?

Barbara Baxley is Amanda Debs, also known as Lady Pearl from Nashville.

Miss Springer is Yvonne De Carlo, Lily Munster!

Linda Kelsey plays Mary Stamm. She was in two more episodes of the show and also on Lou Grant.

Janet MacLachlan is Dr. Irene Matthews. She was also in Heart and Souls.

Vera Miles from Psycho and The Searchers is Elizabeth Gates.

Susan Oliver, who played Vina, the green slave girl in Star Trek, is Louise.

Eve Plumb, Jan from The Brady Bunch, is Tug.

Mary Woronov! Yes! She’s Brady.

In smaller roles, Bertha is played by Susan Peretz, Donna Ponterotto is Jamie, Diana Bellamy is the Head Guard, Gay Hagen is the First Guard, Faith Minton is the Second Guard, Jan Stratton is the Gate Guard, and Darlene Conley is Mims. Prisoners are played by Mary Albee, Linda Carlin, Jadie David, Betty Jeanne Glennie, Marilyn Horn, Lorraine Keeling, Kym Washington Longino, Marti Reese and Ilona Wilson, while Reena Bartlett and Cis Rundle play guard.

What happens?

Before Jessica arrived at the prison — and for the 20 years — Amanda Debs has turned being the deputy warden of the West Barrington Institute for Women into a means to accumulate wealth and influence, running a ring of corruption within the prison that includes Dr. Irene Matthews and grocery delivery driver Mrs. Mims. She’s been growing in her power as Warden Elizabeth Gates has been running for state senate.

A new nurse catches on, and Dr. Matthews kills herself — her suicide note says, “I have been thinking about killing myself for some time. I will all my worldly possessions to all the lesbian inmates in this prison.” — and Debs makes it look like a murder, locking everything down, trapping Jessica with her students.

Working with Kathryn, she turns the lights out and also kills Mrs. Mims, then plans to escape before the cops come in. However, Jessica is able to figure that out and saves the day before the cops come in, shooting everyone.

Who did it?

Amanda.

Who made it?

This episode was directed by John Llewellyn Moxey and written by Carleton Eastlake, who mostly wrote for science fiction shows.

Does Jessica get some?

No. I would like to make a sapphic fanfic of this episode, however.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No. I mean, come on, Jessica.

Was it any good?

Yes. This is a tense one that changes the format.

Any trivia?

The jail is located in The Square of Warriors, also known as Spartacus Square, at Universal Studios Hollywood. Other movies filmed there include Thoroughly Modern Millie, The Blues Brothers, History of the World, Part I, Cloak and Dagger, The Shadow, and The Scorpion King.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Well, I particularly liked the way the gas station bandit was caught. You know, having the getaway driver accidentally shift into reverse and crash into the police car… Now, that showed a great deal of imagination.

Tug: Not exactly. That’s the way it happened.

What’s next?

Cabot Cove is flooded with poison pen letters, which proves hard for the town to handle as Amos prepares to hand the reins over to a new sheriff. Jason’s mom shows up!

Murder, She Wrote S2 E8: Dead Heat (1985)

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Jessica goes to the races to watch her niece ride the winning horse, but then the horse’s disagreeable owner is murdered after a dispute.

Season 2, Episode 8: Dead Heat (November 24, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica has the difficult task of proving that her niece was framed for the murder of a horse breeder. We can all relate to that kind of rich people’s life, right?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Vicky Gallagos is played by Priscilla Barnes, who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company and also shows up in The Devil’s Rejects. She was also in Lords of the Deep, Stepfather 3 and Tintorera. Her husband, Carlos, is played by Bert Rosario.

Ramon Bieri played Pat Phillips, the first of three times he’d be on this show.

Jack Cart,– the mayor from Alligat,— is Cliff Carpenter. Playing his wife Christine is Carole Cook, a student of Lucille Ball.

Jack Bowen is played by Lonny Chapman from The Birds, The Witch Who Came from the Sea and plenty of TV.

Vince Shackman is Norman Fell, and I wonder if he and Priscilla Barnes gossiped between takes.

Jessica’s niece, Tracy, is played by Linda Grovenor, and in the same year she made this episode, she was in Wheels of Fire. Life’s crazy.

Is that Clu Gulager? Yep. You know it. He was in three episodes of this show.

Roy Thinnes, who was on The Invaders and The Norliss Tapes, plays Lt. Ted Misko.

Im smaller roles, Cookie Milford is Derrel Maury, Erine is Tom Dreesen, Mr. P is Robert Ellenstein, Alex Rebar plays a gunman, Freddye Chapman is a nurse, Don Matheson is the chief steward, Stu Gilliam is a cab driver, Tony Ballen and Richard Paradise (those sound like porn names) are bookies, Faith Burton, George Sasaki, Walter Spear and Ken Clayton are watches the horse races, Mel Gold is a trainer and Joe Faust is a guard.

What happens?

Jessica goes to watch her niece, Tracy, race on the very day she gets promoted to ride Jack Bowen’s prize horse, Anchors Away. For some reason, everyone is betting on this race, from the wife of its jockey — who had to go to the emergency room — Viky, some mob guys and a husband and wife who are at the track every day. Tracy wins, the owner is killed, and the cops appear to arrest Tracy on suspicion of fixing the race.

Good thing Jessica showed up.

Another good reason is that Tracy is the suspect in the murder of the owner, which is fantastic to be able to get promoted, win a race and kill your boss all in the same day. Tracy’s LinkedIn has to be incredible.

What follows is the mob wanting to know what happened, Jessica using a carrot to test a horse, a horse nearly trampling Jessica and finally, a second fake Anchors Away.

Who did it?

The wife of the jockey, Vicky.

Who made it?

This episode was directed by Peter Crane and written by J. Miyoko and Steven Hensley, who also scripted the TV Movies Finder of Lost Loves, Can You Feel Me Dancing?, Remo Williams: The Prophecy and episodes of Magnum, P.I.

Does Jessica get some?

No.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No.

Was it any good?

It’d be better if Jessica dressed silly and got some dick.

Any trivia?

This is one of the few episodes to mention Jessica’s brother, Martin.

Jessica says that she’s a Pisces, so her birthday is between February 19 and March 20. In real life, Angela Lansbury was a Libra, born on October 16, 1925.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Bookie #1: Separately, it’s peanuts, Vince. Put it together, and we’re chokin’.

Bookie #2: How did we know Mike Gann was bettin’ all over town?

Vince Shackman: I can add.

What’s next?

Jessica visits a women’s prison and is held captive when an uprising occurs because of abuse and murder at the facility. This episode is a Sam dream cast: Eve Plumb, Vera Miles, Yvonna De Carlo, Adrienne Barbeau and Mary Woronov.