Tag Archives: 1985

Murder, She Wrote S2 E3: Murder in the Afternoon (1985)

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Jessica’s niece, an actress in a daytime drama, becomes a suspect when the head writer for the show is murdered.

Season 2, Episode 3: Murder In the Afternoon (October 13, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica goes to visit her niece, Nita Cochran, an actress in a daytime soap opera. Jessica’s family seems to be the most prone to accidents and tragedy, so it’s no surprise what happens.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Larry Holleran is played by William Atherton, the main bad guy of the 80s. If you needed someone to be a jerk, you called him.

Herbert Upton is played by Paul Burke, who also portrayed Lyon Burke in Valley of the Dolls.

Nicholas Hammond, who plays Todd Worthy, was the first person to play Spider-Man other than Danny Seagren on The Electric Company.

Gordon LaMonica is played by Terry Kiser, who portrayed Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s. He’s also in Mannequin Two: On the Move and Tammy and the T-Rex.

Nita Cochran is Alice Krige, who you may know as the Borg Queen. She’s also in Sleepwalkers.

Martin Grattop is played by Robert Lipton.

Julian Tenley? That’s Lloyd Nolan from Hannah and Her Sisters.

Bibi Hartman is Tricia O’Neil, who has been in several Star Trek episodes.

Carol Needom? Mackenzie Phillips!

Agnes Cochran is Lurene Tuttle, Buford Pusser’s grandmother, as well as Mrs. Chambers in Psycho. 

The law in this episode is Lt. Antonelli, played by Robert Walden. There’s also Officer Kaplan, played by George Murdock, who played God in Star Trek V.

Have yourself a Star War! That’s Jessica Walter as Joyce Holleran. You probably know her from Arrested Development. Or as Morgan Le Fay in the Dr. Strange TV movie. No, you know her from Arrested Development or Play Misty for Me.

More minor roles include John Miranda as a prop man, Elven Havard as a guard, Dan Cotter as an executive, and Richard Patrick as a film crew member.

What happens?

Jessica uncovers drama on the set of Our Secret Lives as soon as she gets there. Are you surprised? Actors are being fired, and people say things like they wish studio head Joyce Holleran were dead. Well, she is soon shot by The Avenger, the character from the show. Are you also surprised that Jessica’s niece has been accused of this crime? After all, she’s playing The Avenger on the show.

We get to meet Jessica’s sister, Agnes, in this. I wonder how many people die around her?

Also: How many soap operas have a Giallo killer?

Everyone, as usual on Murder, She Wrote, wants to kill the victim. But this one has a straightforward solution.

Who did it?

Seeing as how Larry Holleran, the sleep-around husband of the murder victim, is played by William Atherton, well, there’s your answer.

Who made it?

It’s directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman and written by Paul Savage and Paul W. Cooper.

Does Jessica get some?

She needs to rest up after all the action last week.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No. Trust me. It will happen. It will happen so much that you may almost hate the show you love.

Was it any good?

A basic mystery. Not all that bad.

Any trivia?

Lloyd Nolan died two weeks after this aired.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: …if I were you, I’d get him to confess as loudly and as quickly as possible.

What’s next?

A mother and daughter become involved in a murder and only Jessica can figure it out.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Snowballing (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Snowballing was on the CBS Late Movie on April 11 and July 21, 1988.

Snowballing may seem like a teen sex comedy — a Lemon Popsicle, if you will — but instead of being like Hot Dog…The Movie or Ski School, this feels closer to an American-International beach comedy than a sex hijinks movie.

It was directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr., the same man who made Silent Night, Deadly Night. More importantly, he was best known for creating the American book and television series The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams and founding Sunn Classic with Rayland Jensen and Patrick Frawley. You might expect that this would mean that this movie would have more ribald elements. Nope.

Filmed in Park City, Utah, this sat on the shelf for four years before the VHS boom demanded a supply to meet the demand for video rentals. This also had a variety of titles, including Smooth Moves, Snow Job and, perhaps most generically, Winter Vacation.

The owner of the ski resort, Tolson (Bob Hastings, the animated voice of Commissioner Gordon), and Sheriff Gilliam (Bill Zuckert) have been scamming young skiers for years, overcharging them for their rooms for the big downhill race.

Andy (P. R. Paul,  Neon Maniacs), Dan (Michael Sharrett, Deadly Friend) and Al (Steven Tash, the guy who can’t get the ESP quiz right from Bill Murray in Ghostbusters) are three of those young athletes, trying to pick up the ladies like Karen (Mary Beth McDonough, Mortuary), Cheryl (Jill Carroll, Psycho II), Bonnie (Bonnie Hellman, a hitchhiker in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter) and Cheryl (Tara Buckman, the main reason I watched this). Trying to keep them out of trouble is their teacher, Roy Balaban, played by Alan Sues, who you may remember from Laugh-In. He plays a mincing character, but at least there’s one funny part where he puts on an Indiana Jones hat and is chased by a giant snowball.

This had three writers — David O’Malley and Thomas C. Chapman, who also worked on the Sunn-adjacent Hangar 18 and The Boogens, and Norman Hudis, who may have written plenty of cartoons and TV shows, but had the experience of writing Hot Resort, which probably helped here. He also wrote several of the Carry On movies, in case you wonder about the sense of humor in this film.

It was shot by Henning Schellerup, the steady cameraman for the Sunn Classic company, who also directed their Bible TV shows, Beyond Death’s Door and In Search of Historic Jesus, as well as films like Night Pleasures and Three Shades of Flesh. He was also the DP on Curse of the Headless Horseman and Sasqua, as well as shooting Suburban Commando, Rocktober Blood, Halloween 4, Maniac Cop, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Death Race 2000 and many more.

I bet CBS didn’t have to take a thing out of this when it aired on the CBS Late Movie.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Arthur the King (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Arthur the King was on the CBS Late Movie on August 13, 1987.

If you were British and didn’t get a role in Excalibur in 1981*, a year later, you could have been in Arthur the King, also known as Merlin and the Sword. It was directed by Clive Donner, the man who brought us The Nude Bomb, Charlie Chan and the Dragon Queen, Old Dracula, Spectre, Luv and What’s New, Pussycat? It was written by David Wyles, who also wrote Treasure: In Search of the Gold Horse.

Katharine (Dyan Cannon) is exploring the caves around Stonehenge — Where a man’s a man and the children dance to the Pipes of Pan — and ends up falling and waking up stuck in the cave where Merlin (Edward Woodward, The Equalizer, which had to be mentioned in the CBS ads) and Niniane (Lucy Gutteridge, Top Secret!) have slept and argued for a thousand years. Oh, what a cast — King Arthur (Malcolm McDowell) is a jerk, so you can figure that Guinevere (Rosalyn Landor) ran away more than that she was kidnapped by MorganLe Fay (Candice Bergen, yes, really). She’s rescued by Lancelot (Rupert Everett) and, as you know from the legend of Arthur, they fall in love.

Filmed in Yugoslavia and sitting on the bench for three years before CBS decided to air it as a three-hour TV movie, this is the kind of movie that if you love the legends, you’ll hate, because it feels like, well, a TV movie shot in Yugoslavia. But if you don’t, you’ll wonder why it’s more about Gawain (Patrick Ryecart) and Ragnell (Ann Thornton) than Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

In this, Morgan is the aunt of Mordred (Joseph Blatchley), Arthur’s evil bastard son, instead of Arthur’s half-sister, which makes the story even darker. But you know, incest and 1980s TV maybe didn’t mix. This also rewrites the ending with Merlin astral projecting himself back in time, possessing Excalibur and stabbing the life out of Mordred.

Spoilers, sorry.

Teri Tordia from Julia shows up, as does Mary Stavin from Top Line and Strike Commando 2. Yes, I realize she was in A View to a Kill and Octopussy, as well as the videos for “Strip” and “Ant Rap” by Adam Ant, but I know her from what I know her from. Carole Ashby was also in both of those movies and this, too, so maybe they found something to talk about. Perhaps they made fun of Alison Worth because she wasn’t going to get to be in A View to a Kill. I offer this conjecture knowing Octopussy was made a year later and A View to a Kill three years after. More Bond girls? Maryam d’Abo was in this, too! Yes, she’s in The Living Daylights, but don’t we all know her from Xtro?

Michael Gough, the butler for Batman, is also on hand; yes, he was also the villain of  Horrors of the Black Museum.

Lancelot is the real hero of this story, defeating an entire army of bad guys all by himself and a dragon before exiting as a hero. That dragon, well, look, we don’t need to talk about the effects, do we? I’m trying to be nice.

Malcolm McDowell is the kind of actor who can play King Arthur and Merlin. I am referring to Kids of the Round Table. He’s also very Eric Roberts in that if you say his name out loud three times, he shows up in a $2 million budget straight-to-Walmart movie.

I have never seen Candice Bergen throw a fireball, and now I have.

*Unless you’re Liam Neeson. He was Grak in this and Gawain in that.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Children of the Night (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Children of the Night was on the CBS Late Movie on July 8, 1988.

“Don’t hide what you feel inside
Don’t let anybody stand in your way
Just let the music take you higher
Now are you ready to rock
Children of the night?”

Yes, that may be a Whitesnake song, but this TV movie prefers “Hell Is for Children.”

Kathleen Quinlan plays Dr. Lois Lee, the founder of Children of the Night, a non-profit organization that works to support youth who were involved in prostitution. She started as a college student who started to take sex workers into her home for protection and in the film, she runs into pimp Roy Spanish (Mario Van Peebles)  and they battle over one of his girls,  Valerie (Lar Park-Lincoln in her first movie).

Director Robert Markowitz made plenty of TV movies that played the CBS Late Movie, including the Maximilian Schell-starring The Phantom of the Opera. It was written by William Wood, whose career stretched back to the early 60s, Vickie Park and producer Robert Guenette, who directed some of my favorite BS movies, such as The Mysterious Monsters, The Man Who Saw Tomorrow and The Amazing World of Psychic Phenomena.

Some of the girls in this include Marta Kober (Rad, Friday the 13th Part 2, Neon Maniacs), Sherri Stoner (who went on to write Animaniacs episodes), Helene Udy (My Bloody Valentine, The Incubus), Zoe Trilling (Night of the Demons 2, Amityville: The Evil Escapes) and Valerie Richards (Hard Rock Nightmare).

You can watch this on YouTube.

Murder, She Wrote S2 E2: Joshua Peabody Died Here… Possibly (1985)

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Season 2 of Murder, She Wrote is here, and this time, a cheap tycoon with many enemies is found dead on the construction site of his high-rise hotel.

Season 2, Episode 2: Joshua Peabody Died Here… Possibly (October 6, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

They’re building a new hotel in Cabot Cove and just found a skeleton as they dig the foundation. That won’t be the last death.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

John Astin, Gomez Addams, plays Harry Pierce.

Tom Bosely is Sheriff Amos Tupper, continuing his will they or won’t they with Jessica. He’s up against Dr. Seth (William Windom) for her affection.

FBI Agt. Fred Keller is played by Chuck Connors, who was The Rifleman, but also was in Tourist Trap.

Henderson Wheatley is played by John Ericson, who was in The House of the Dead, Crash! and 7 Faces of Dr. Lao.

Wow! Meg Foster is in this! Those blue eyes! She plays Del Scott.

David Marsh? That’s Michael Sarrazin from The Reincarnation of Peter Proud, Eye of the Cat and They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

Arthur Griswold is played by David Sheiner, who was also in The Gong Show Movie, The Stone Killer and They Call Me Mr. Tibbs!

Ken Swofford plays Leo Kowalski. He was Mayor Farnsworth in Black Roses and Weasel in Annie.

In the smaller roles, Deborah White plays Matty Marsh, Robin Bach is Ellsworth Buffum, Bobby Jacoby is Eric Marsh, Ed Morgan is Austin Bailey, Roger Price is Eli Harris, Barbara Ann Grimes is Sarah Harris, Jody Carter is Olive Newton, Sandra Hawthorne is Mavis Gillam and Bruce Lawrence is an earthmover driver.

What happens?

Sheriff Tupper and Dr. Seth argue over the body found in the grave — is it the Revolutionary War soldier Joshua Peabody. But then Henderson Wheatley, the developer of the new property, is killed. Who could it be? Probably the whole town, like antiques dealer David Marsh, who has been protesting this place. Or reporter Del Scott, who has the eyes of Meg Foster. And different folks who keep making injunctions to keep the new hotel from being built.

Who did it?

Del Scott. Just look at the eyes.

Who made it?

It’s directed by Peter Crane and written by Tom Sawyer, who wrote 24 episodes of this and produced 79.

Does Jessica get some?

No, but she’s back in Cabot Cove and can relax in her bath.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No. There’s too much that happens.

Was it any good?

Two dead bodies in the same grave! So yes.

Any trivia?

John Astin would play Harry Pierce three times.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Dr. Seth Hazlitt: Well, at least one good thing’s come out of all this… Now that we’ve proved those bones belong to Daniel Martin, we can forget all about this Joshua Peabody nonsense.

Jessica Fletcher: Oh, no, Seth Hazlitt, that’s going a bit too far.

What’s next?

Jessica’s niece, an actress in a daytime drama, becomes a suspect when the head writer for the show is murdered.

Murder, She Wrote S2 E1: Widow, Weep for Me (1985)

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I read an article this week about how Murder, She Wrote was removed from Peacock. Well, it’s still available on fast channels and Tubi, or you can do what I did and buy the box sets. Physical media is the only way to know that you actually own things.

Stop whining and do something. Don’t expect corporations to care if you can’t watch the show you love.

Now, season 2 of Murder, She Wrote.

Season 2, Episode 1: Widow, Weep for Me (September 29, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica masquerades as a wealthy widow at a luxurious tropical hotel in order to trap a murderer.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Michael Hagarty is played by Len Cariou, who was on the show Blue Bloods.

Cyd Charisse, a renowned dancer in her time, is actually Myrna Montclair LeRoy.

Eric Brahm is Mel Ferrer, Phillip Erikson from Falcon Crest, as well as appearing in The Visitor, Eaten Alive! and Nightmare City.

Howard Hesseman is Sheldon Greenberg. You probably know him from Head of the Class and WKRP In Cincinnati.

Sven Torvald is played by John Phillip Law, who was Danger: Diabolik!

Anne Lockhart is Veronica Harrold. The daughter of June Lockhart, she also appeared in Troll and Dark Tower.

The lawman in this episode, Chief Inspector Claude Rensselaer, is played by Raymond St. Jacques. He was the street preacher in They Live.

Alva Crane is Mary Wickes, also known as Sister Mary Lazarus from Sister Act.

Minor roles include Jerry Boyd as a doorman, Emmett Dennis III as Sergeant D’arcy, Geoff Heise as Barnes, Edward B. Randolph as a croupier, Ekta Sohini as a desk clerk, Reggie Savard as Antoinette Farnsworth, Claude Cole as a bellman, Tony Webster as a steward and Marilyn Conn as a secretary.

What happens?

Jessica gets several distressing letters from her friend Antoinette begging for assistance. Then, she learns that the very same friend has been murdered in Jamaica. So JB does what any of us would do: she puts on a turban, becomes Margurite Canfield and flies to the island to solve the murder.

As Marguerite, she meets the inspector on the case and starts getting to know the other women on the island, such as Alva and Veronica. Moments later, she’s picked up by Michael Hegarty, who wants to buy her a drink. He invites her to check out the waterfalls by moonlight — I mean, see his cock — and she almost falls for it before someone steals her purse.

Meanwhile, Sheldo, the house detective, was the one who got someone to steal the purse, because he was wondering why Margurite looked so much like author Jessica Fletcher. He thinks she’s here to investigate and make him look bad. She tells him he could be a character in her next book.

And then Alva Crane’s body is found.

So, yes, in the end, after several red herrings, we learn why the hotel detective had so many things in his office.

Who did it?

Sheldon.

Who made it?

Michael A. Hoey directed this episode, as well as The Navy vs. the Night Monsters. It was written by series creator Peter S. Fischer.

Does Jessica get some?

British agent Michael Hagarty appears several times in this series, and perhaps he and Jessica didn’t practice making a baby this time, but I know they will. He would be on the show six more times.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

This is a whole episode of that! That turban!

Was it any good?

Sure. Good cast, intriguing mystery.

Any trivia?

After Angela Lansbury died in 2022, Len Cariou said, “She was a great artist. I know she’s with Peter Shaw now, her husband, who I think she missed terribly. She said to me on her last birthday, a year ago, “It’s just silly being this old.”

Give me a reasonable quote:

Michael Hagarty: Ah… Well, now, what’s this I’ve always heard about crusty New Englanders?

Jessica Fletcher: Oh, it’s just a rumor started by our forefathers to keep out the tourists.

Michael Hagarty: I see. And if someday I should show up on your doorstep?

Jessica Fletcher: An exception might be made.

Michael Hagarty: Well, in that case, Jessica, the question is no longer whether, but when.

What’s next?

A cheap tycoon with many enemies is found dead on the construction site of his high-rise hotel.

Murder, She Wrote S1 E21: Funeral at Fifty-Mile (1985)

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Jessica has to unravel the secrets and threats at the funeral of a friend in Wyoming.

Season 1, Episode 21: Funeral at Fifty-Mile (April 21, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

We’ve made it through the whole first season of Murder, She Wrote. Jack Carver has died, Jessica is in town to pay her respects, and of course, there’s a mystery.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Doc Wallace is played by Noah Beery Jr., Grandpa from Walking Tall; he also was Mordecai in the Sunn Classics’ Greatest Heroes of the Bible TV series.

Mary Carver is Kathleen Beller, Prince Alana in The Sword and the Sorcerer and Gail from Are You In the House Alone?

Bill Carmody is played by J.D. Cannon, Peter J. Clifford from McCloud and the D.A. in Death Wish 2.

Carl Mestin, who shows up with a hot new wife, is Clu Gulager. Man, Clu! Do I even have to expound on how incredible this man was?

Tim Carver is Donald Moffat, Garry in The Thing.

Art Merrick is Jeff Osterhage, who was in the 1989 version of Masque of the Red Death.

Sheriff Ed Potts, who shows off his gun to Jessica like he’s about to unleash his penis, is played by Cliff Potts.

Sally Mestin? Stella Stevens! Stella Stevens on Murder, She Wrote, I do declare!

Attorney Sam Breem is William Windom, the President in Escape from the Planet of the Apes.

In minor roles, Brooke Alderson is Alice, Edith Diaz is Emma, Efrain Figueroa is Jesus (not The Son of Man, a man named Jesus), Archie Lang is a minister, and Larry Carr and Charles Cirillo are funeral guests.

What happens?

Jessica attends the burial of Wyoming rancher Jack Carver with his family, friends and fellow war vets, but soon learns from lawyer Sam Breen that Jack died without finalizing his will. This means that his brother Tim won’t get the ranch, and his daughter Mary gets everything. But then Carl Mestin and his wife show up, and he claims that when he saved Jack’s life in Korea, he was given all of this in the will. But guess what? He’s soon swinging from a noose, and the cops think it was Mary’s fiancé, Art, who did it.

Can our girl Jessica just enjoy one vacation without having to put in some work?

Man, this one has some twists and turns. There’s even a Giallo moment when someone leaves a noose outside JB’s window. She totally doesn’t sell it, because she figures out who the killer was pretty easily.

Who did it?

Everyone. Carl was a rapist who got Mary’s mother pregnant and her father did the honorable thing by marrying her and raising her daughter. When he came back to town to try and get the money, they decided to finally kill him. They confess to Jessica, and she promises not to tell Mary the truth.

Who made it?

Another episode for Seymour Robbie. This was written by Dick Nelson, whose career was mainly in TV.

Does Jessica get some?

I’m getting tired of these episodes where no one tries to give Jessica back shots, and I’m not shy about it.

Does Jessica dress stupidly or act drunk?

Not yet!

Was it any good?

A satisfactory ending for the season, if a downer ending.

Any trivia?

Of course, William Windom is familiar. Starting next season, he’ll be a regular as Jessica’s friend Dr. Seth Hazlett.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Attorney Sam Breen: But there’s no way on God’s green earth Mary will ever know the reason why, not from any of us.

Jessica Fletcher: Nor from me, Sam. She’s been hurt enough already.

What’s next?

The show has been running regularly until now, but once it’s a proven success, it’s time for Jessica to get wacky. Like next week, episode one of season two: She masquerades as a wealthy widow at a luxurious tropical hotel in order to trap a murderer. John Phillip Law shows up!

JUNESPLOITATION: Double Edge (1985)

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June 29: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is ‘80s Action!

Years ago, Jack Maraccio (Anthony East) killed the parents of Mark Quinn (Rom Kristoff). Mark didn’t grow up to be Batman. No, he’s a cop and working with his partner Ty Jackson (Jim Moss), he’s keeping the Philippines safe.

Imagine if you took Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rocky and Cobra, threw them in a cup with raw eggs and drank it before running up some steps and blowing things up. That’s this movie, which has a cover that looks just like Marion Cobretti, which was totally an accident and no one meant for it to look that way. Nor did they intend for Jim Gaines’ pimp character named Sly to make you think of anyone else by that name. As for our hero, Kristoff never takes his glasses off, was raised by a ninja and is now a ninja himself, something Stallone never did.

This was directed and written by Teddy Page, who also made Fireback, Jungle Rats, Blazing Guns and so many more movies like this before using the name Teddy Chuck as a first assistant director for movies like The Love Nights of Anthony and Cleopatra (Hakkan Serbes is in that and if you got excited, you’re a pervert), Samson in the Amazon’s Land, Raiders, Sodoma & Gomorra and Showgirl. Yes, Joe D’Amato adult films. I would call that making it.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Murder, She Wrote S1 E20: Murder at the Oasis (1985)

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An unpopular show-business personality discovers that elaborate security systems are no guarantee of safety.

Season 1, Episode 20: Murder at the Oasis (April 7, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica gets close to showbiz again, and someone dies.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Johnny Shannon is played by Ed Ames, a Ukranian Jewish person who ended up playing the Native American Mingo on Daniel Boone and the man who hit a cowboy in the cock with a tomahawk on Johnny Carson.

Speaking of Johnny Carson, Joey Bishop once tried to go up against him and lost. He plays Buster Bailey.

Mickey Shannon is Joseph Bottoms, who was in The Black Hole.

Vic LaRose is played by Joseph Cali, Joey from Saturday Night Fever and Vince La Costa in The Lonely Lady.

The cop in this episode, Detective Sergeant Barnes, is The White Shadow’s Ken Howard.

Peggy Shannon? That’s Piper Laurie! They’re all going to laugh at you!

Lou Ross is Jack O’Halloran, one of my favorite bad guys ever, as Phantom Zone monster Non in Superman 2. He was the illegitimate son of mafia hitman and crime boss Albert Anastasia, a former boxer. He often talks about how he nearly killed Christopher Reeve while making the Superman movies.

In the more minor roles, Terry Shannon is Linda Purl (who was married to Desi Arnaz, Jr. and played Pam’s mom on The Office), David Bowman (the producer of The Headless Eyes!) is Chico Miller, John Miranda is Gus, Mark Costello and Michael Griswold are cops, Fred Ponzlov is a waiter and Gary Greene is a cafe customer.

What happens?

Yes, JB is friends with Piper Laurie, and they go to a tennis match together, only to run into her friend’s ex-husband, Johnny Shannon, who is a total jerk. The daddy issues he’s caused have his daughter sleeping with every tennis player she can find, and it seems that everyone who comes near him hates every second of it. Yes, as you can tell, he’s going to die.

And die he does.

Lieutenant Barnes has just moved to this rich town from Chicago and appreciates Jessica’s the hica, even if she’s not always accurate in her books — or so he says. It’s a locked door mystery, as no one could have gotten in to kill Johnny, even if everyone wanted him dead.

Especially the mob. The mob!

Who did it?

The cop! ACAB! He even has the balls to point a gun at Jessica and say, “You’ve won a prize – a trip to oblivion!” She gets saved by Non, who looks super mean and has a gun. Way to go!

Who made it?

Arthur Allan Seidelman directed this. He also made one of my favorite TV movies, The People Across the Lake, a film where Valerie Harper and Gerald McRaney — hot sex! — are gaslit at a lake house. Also, he made one of the worst movies ever, Hercules in New York. This episode was written by executive story editor Robert Van Scoyk.

Does Jessica get some?

No. Come on!

Does Jessica dress stupidly or act drunk?

No. Come on!

Was it any good?

It’s fine!

Give me a reasonable quote:

Peggy Shannon: Oh, yes, Jess. Please. Anything you can do. I’m sure the sergeant would welcome some help.

Det. Sgt. Barnes: Why not? You’ve covered the subject fairly well in your books, even if you’re not always accurate.

Jessica Fletcher: Well, they are well researched, I assure you, but I have absolutely no intention of… Why do you think my books are inaccurate?

Det. Sgt. Barnes: I’ll tell you all about it on our way to the crime scene.

What’s next?

In the last episode of season 1, one of Jessica’s friends dies. Shocker? Well, there’s more! Show up next week!

ARROW 4K UHD RELEASE: The Stuff (1985)

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I fear sounding like a broken record, but Larry Cohen’s films contain themes that remain timeless, regardless of when they were released. Take The Stuff, for example—consumerism, corporate greed, celebrity culture, junk food—none of the themes in this film have gone away. If anything, they’ve only increased in importance.

The Stuff — a yogurt-like white dessert — is discovered coming out of the ground like black gold to Jed Clampett. It’s sweet and addictive and quickly gets sold like ice cream. It’s all natural with no calories and incredibly filling, so it helps people lose weight. Of course, sales go through the roof and destroy the ice cream industry. Along with junk food mogul Charles W. “Chocolate Chip Charley” Hobbs, these purveyors of sugar hire David “Mo” Rutherford (Michael Moriarty, who also appears in Cohen’s Q) to get to the bottom of The Stuff and then destroy it.

The more he learns about the product, the more horrified he becomes. The Stuff is actually a parasite that takes over whoever eats it, taking over their brain and gradually transforming them into zombies as it consumes them from the inside out — the very inverse of how people consume products.

A young boy named Jason is learning the same lesson the hard way. It’s ruined his family, so he destroys a supermarket display.

David also meets Nicole, the ad exec, who learns that the campaign that she created for The Stuff has only led to death and destruction. As someone who has worked in the ad industry for over twenty years, the battle between craft and commerce has never been so beautifully illustrated as it is here. The film is packed with fake commercials of celebrities hawking The Stuff, including Wendy’s pitchwoman, Clara, “Where’s the beef?” Peller, who yells, “Where’s The Stuff?” to Abe Vigoda.

Everyone who consumes The Stuff eventually turns into a gooey white substance, and those under it do everything they can to kill our heroes (Nicole and David are lovers; they rescue Jason just as the police arrest him). The corporation that makes The Stuff claims it is trying to rid the world of hunger, but the possibly extraterrestrial substance is being created to take over the world.

They work together with retired United States Army Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears (a perfectly cast Paul Sorvino, Goodfellas) to destroy the zombies and a lake of The Stuff before sending a civil defense message to the country—the only way to destroy The Stuff is to burn it with fire.

David then visits the leader of The Stuff Company, Mr. Fletcher, who reveals that they haven’t destroyed all of the ways they can get the product. Now, they’re working with the ice cream industry, including Mr. Vickers, who originally hired David to make The Taste, a product that is 88% ice cream and 12%. Initially, they believe that it will be much safer and still as addictive. However, David brings in Jason and the two force the CEOs to eat The Stuff at gunpoint. David asks, “Are you eating it or is it eating you?” as the cops arrive to arrest the corporate con men.

You know how you should never leave the credits during a Marvel movie? Cohen was again ahead of his time here, as the final crawl also has moments showing smugglers selling The Stuff on the black market and a woman in a bathrobe saying, “Enough is never enough” while holding a container of The Stuff.

From its inventive gore and special effects to its wry social commentary, The Stuff is sheer delight. It moves fast, it’s packed with action, and it has plenty to make you laugh. It may even make you avoid ice cream for a while.

The Arrow Video 4K UHD release of The Stuff contains so much, all within a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Chris Barnes.

First, you get an illustrated collector’s booklet featuring Joel Harley’s writing on the film and a new essay by Daniel Burnett.

Disc 1 has a new 4K restoration by Arrow Films from the original camera negative and two commentary tracks, one by Larry Cohen and the other by writers and critics David Flint and Adrian Smith. There’s also a feature-length documentary, 42nd Street Memories: The Rise and Fall of America’s Most Notorious Street, a documentary on the making of this movie, trailers, TV commercials and an image gallery.

The second disc has an early, pre-release cut of the film featuring over 30 minutes of additional footage and a different music score, exclusively remastered by Arrow Films.

You can get this from MVD.