Hard Hunted (1993)

There’s a new bad guy — Martin Kane, who is played by Geoffrey Moore, who is the son of Roger. Actually, I lied. He’s supposed to be the same character played by Pat Morita in the last film! What is going on here!?!

Regardless of that craziness, Kane has smuggled a nuclear trigger out of China. The goal? Sell it to Middle East terrorists. And the very first undercover agent to try and get it back gets killed. Time to call Donna, Nicole and Edy. Time to take lots of showers. Time to make sweet, sweet love when not avoiding remote-controlled death devices.

All of your favorites show back up here. Beyond the girls mentioned above — Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez and Cynthia Brimhall — Bruce Penhall is back as Bruce Christian and Michael Shane as Shane Abilene.

Rodrigo Obregon plays an evil operative named Pico who takes advantage of Donna after she gets amnesia. They go beard splitting on the beach while the rest of the team looks for her. But there’s another baddie — Raven, who is played by everyone’s favorite Asian henchman Al Leong — who gets his own lion’s head blazer to go with Kane’s lion’s head boat. Raven also has an amazing helicopter that he uses to kill all manner of people. The bumbling dup pf bad guys — now named Wily and Coyote — also come back and yes, their weapons still come from Acme.

Another return is Ava Cadell, who is now a DJ/sex therapist who does her radio show from the hot tub. As you do. Also: the camera focuses mainly on her breasts, which makes sense, as they take out nearly the entire frame, decimating anything that comes near them by sheer force of gravity and will.

Geoffrey Moore isn’t the only famous son here. Tony Peck, son of Gregory (and one-time husband of Cheryl Tiegs), plays Lucas.

To tell the truth, I kinda loved Hard Hunted. It’s the same plot as nearly every single Andy Sidaris film, but for some reason, I’ve achieved nirvana — or Stockholm Syndrome — by watching every single one of them in one week.

The moral is: When you’re trying to rescue a nuclear trigger hidden inside a jade statue, it’s totally smart to just slow down and do squat thrusts in the cucumber patch with your fellow agent. Saving the world can wait. Making love in the sand can’t.

2 thoughts on “Hard Hunted (1993)”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.