I’ve just spent an entire week watching Andy Sidaris movies. Fourteen of them to be exact. By the end, I felt that I had learned some new things about life. Special lessons, if you will. And while I’m in no way ready to join the ranks of L.E.T.H.A.L. ( Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law), I do feel that I owe sharing these learnings with you, dear reader.
1. You can have sex any time, no matter what kind of danger you’re in. Seriously, in every single Andy Sidaris movie, the world could be ending, a friend could be in mortal peril or a team of killers could be bearing (or baring, for that matter) down on you and there’s still time to make a magical sandwich. Put condensed milk on the waffle. Do some aardvarking. You know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.
2. Men have no idea how to shoot guns. Leave it to the ladies. Starting with Malibu Express, I learned that no man can ever shoot a gun, no matter how big it is. This is true for every single hero in the Sidaris universe.
3. Enemies are just friends you haven’t gotten along with yet. Roberta Vasquez is Pantera, an evil agent, in Picasso Trigger before she becomes L.E.T.H.A.L. agent Nicole in Guns. Erik Estrada is the sinister Jack of Diamonds in that film before he turns babyface in Do or Die. Ava Cadell starts as an evil woman in Do or Die and then she ended up becoming a DJ/sexologist in the other films. Buff Bagwell and Julie Strain both got it together and turned sides. Sidaris referred to this as “cleaning up their dossiers.” You’ll call it a life lesson worth following.
4. Be careful of remote control vehicles. Anything can be a bomb. Remote control boats. Remote control planes. Remote control helicopters. And frisbees! Watch out for frisbees! And teenagers on skateboards too!
5. Killing is an art form. This gets said so many times in Andy’s movies, but it’s totally true. If you’re going to off someone, don’t just use a knife. Use a miniature helicopter like the bad guy in Hard Hunted. Use a cane that has a bazooka in it. Use a laser guidance system and a blow-up doll, like the Professor does in Seven. Remember — if it’s not worth doing right, it’s not worth doing at all.
6. You don’t need the latest in technology. Despite having the latest in gadgets, the girls and guys of L.E.T.H.A.L. don’t feel the need to be slaves to the latest and greatest tech. Neither does bad guy Kane in Do or Die. The dude has a Vic 20 or Commodore 64 at best, even though this movie was shot in 1991. You can still achieve great things without being a slave to the latest and greatest gimmicks.
7. There are only four cities that matter: Honolulu, Dallas, Las Vegas and Shreveport, Louisiana. Yep. If a city isn’t good enough for an Andy Sidaris movie, it’s not good enough for me. That’s why I’m moving to the big island.
8. Hot tubs are awesome. Other than going to the gym, every Andy Sidaris movie needs, nay, demands a hot tub scene. Now I feel that the fact that I don’t have access to one is a major detriment. Life is meaningless without waterjets.
9. Everyone deserves sex with Playboy level girls, even Pat Morita. The former Mr. Miyagi was 59 when he made Do or Die. Yet he still got to have a major league boffing with Carolyn Liu’s Silk in that film. Wax on, wax off indeed.
10. Dress for success. The men and ladies of L.E.T.H.A.L. know how to glam it up in their evening wear, but when the opportunity for beachfront spy games — and sand-strewn lovemaking — rear their head, they know how to dress appropriately. That is, if dressing appropriately means spandex and Body Glove gear.
Seriously, I love Andy Sidaris movies. If you haven’t been keeping up this week, we invite you to check out all of the films that we covered:
- Malibu Express
- Hard Ticket to Hawaii
- Picasso Trigger
- Savage Beach
- Do or Die
- Hard Hunted
- Fit to Kill
- Enemy Gold
- The Dallas Connection
- Day of the Warrior
- Return to Savage Beach
You can also look up our list on Letterboxd.