As if the first two Andy Sidaris movies I watched this week weren’t enough, here comes a third! Hard Ticket to Hawaii isn’t directly connected at all to the others, but I doubt anyone was watching these movies for a tightly constructed continuity. That said, Rowdy Abilene here is the brother of Cody from Malibu Express.

When two drug enforcement agents are killed on a private island, two special agents named Donna (Dona Speir, Playboy Playmate of the Month, March 1984, in the first of her many Andy Sidaris movie appearances) and Taryn (Playboy Playmate of the Month for July 1985 Hope Marie Carlton) get pulled in to the hijinks. They accidentally intercept a delivery of diamonds intended for a drug lord, who tries to kill them and everyone connected with our heroic duo. There’s also a snake made even more deadly after being bitten by toxic cancer-infested rats.

Yes, I actually just wrote that. I didn’t even get to the part where a skateboarding maniac armed with an inflatable sex doll is dealt by being run over, thrown into the air, shot with a bazooka and blown up real good. Then his blow up doll gets blown up too. Can this movie top all that? Well, there’s also a scene with frisbee homicide.

In a perfect world, Cinemax would still air this every night at 3 AM. That’s the perfect time to savor Hard Ticket to Hawaii for its true intent: mindless fun. Even the title is awesome. In fact, every Andy Sidaris title is great and makes me want to yell out loud at people: “Hey you! Hard Ticket to Hawaii!”

You can watch this on Tubi or grab the new re-release from Mill Creek Entertainment, which is a new transfer to blu ray. It goes well with their other release of Sidaris’ Malibu Express. It was great of them to send both our way but trust me, we would have bought them anyway.

Sadly, Andy never got the chance to make BattleZone Hawaii, a sequel to this film that he claimed would have “all the usual ingredients; many exotic locations, fabulous explosions, extraordinarily beautiful Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets, extremely handsome men; some of whom can’t shoot straight but their hearts are in the right place and, most importantly, the snake that was killed in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, laid an egg prior to its death. This egg is hatched and just like its mother, this huge, cancerous-infected python is mad as hell!”

I hope that in Heaven, as we speak, Andy has a bunch of angels nude on a cloud, all ready to get into a hot tub as that snake sneaks ever closer.

Radioactive Toilet Snake

• 1 oz. Kraken
• 1 oz. Hurricane Proof Rum
• 1 1/2 oz. lime juice
• 1 1/2 oz. orange juice
• 1 1/2 oz. passion fruit syrup (or juice, I mean, I’m in Pittsburgh so good luck finding this)
• 3 oz. seltzer

1. Shake all ingredients with crushed ice and several ice cubes.
2. Pour in a glass and close the lid.