Do or Die (1991)

Just like every Andy Sidaris movie, this one has a new bad guy, but we certainly know the actor playing him. It’s Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi himself, playing Masakana “Kane” Kaneshiro. He starts the movie by capturing our heroines, Donna Hamilton (the ever dependable and buoyant Dona Spears) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez). Instead of just killing them off, he announces that he is sending the world’s greatest killers after them. While that’s all happening and they’re good and distracted, he’ll get busy on messing with the stock market.

Six different teams of assassins come after our girls, none with much success. Maybe if evil Miyagi had a computer from the 1990’s instead of the mid 1980’s he could find a better team of killers. That said, if you ever were seeking out a Pat Morita sex scene, I have good news for you. This is where to get all of that sweet, sweet wax on, wax off loving.

Remember the last movie where Erik Estrada was a bad guy? Well, he’s back on the side of the girls here as Richard “Rico” Estevez. This is perhaps the only film I can think of where Ponch kills a hitman with an explosive baseball. And yes, of course he and Donna do the frickle frackle. Get up in them guts. Do a bit of the rip ‘n dip. You know what I’m saying: they take grandma to Applebee’s.

This movie also marks Ava Cadell’s first appearance — as a hit woman — in the Sidaris universe. She’ll keep showing up as a combination DJ/sexologist/communications operative for KSXY Radio in the other films. But here, she’s an evil assassin who threatens to blow off the breasts of our heroines.

I love that in his autobiography, Bullets Bombs and Babes, he referred to “cleaning up their dossiers” for his characters. By that, he meant that if people loved them as bad guys, they’d eventually love them as members of the team. Or maybe they were too busy masturbating to care.

Pandora Peaks, billed as Stephanie Schick, shows up. She starred in Russ Meyers’ last movie, Pandora Peaks, a film with no dialogue, just the actress dressing, undressing and walking for 72 minutes. There’s also a heroic cat named, well, Cat. His real name was Trigger.

By this film, I’ve come to realize that Andy Sidaris may be trying to titillate us, but the truth is that the only lovemaking in his films are initiated by the strong powerful women within. The good men can’t shoot straight and the evil ones can never outdo them. Sure, they have breasts the size of your head, but that doesn’t make them ineffectual or idiots. It’s pretty insane when you consider how subversive these notions are. Who knew the most powerful women in films came from movies made for HBO at 2 AM?

Then again, maybe after watching eight Andy Sidaris movies in a row, I’ve gone completely insane.

You can watch this for free on Tubi.

2 thoughts on “Do or Die (1991)”

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