EVEN MORE FUCKED UP FUTURES: Wheels of Fire(1985)

Cirio H. Santiago sure has some interesting movies in his oeuvre: TNT JacksonVampire HookersStrykerHell HoleCaged FuryThe Sisterhood, Demon of Paradise and many, many more. Today, we’re here to talk about his take on post-apocalyptic movies.

“If you thought Max was mad — meet Trace!”

Trace is looking for his sister, Arlie (Lynda Wiesmeier, Malibu Express) and finds her running with the Nomads and her boyfriend, Bo, who loses a fight for her car. Trace fights that guy and wins — he’s Trace, of course he fucking wins, bro — and we get a car chase. It will not be the last one in the film.

Soon, everyone is battling Scag and The Scourge, who ends up tying Arlie spread eagle on the hood of his car. Dude, you’re going against Trace! What the fuck are you thinking?

Bo dies — of course, he’s no Trace — and then we meet Stinger (Laura Banks, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan), who is the film’s badass girl (she’s playing the Sandahl Bergman to Trace’s Arnold). Meanwhile, his sister is getting raped by everyone (these scenes are left on the cutting room floor thankfully).

There’s also a mutant and a little person who help them, which they’ll need it as they battle the gang that done took Trace’s kin.

Long into the movie, we learn that the True Believers and how they are building a rocket to go to Paradise, a planet safe for man. Oh yeah. Trace used to be part of The Ownership, a government group that keeps order. And so was The Scourge.

Did I mention that Stinger has a trained falcon, so that this movie can rip off The Beastmaster too? Well she does.

Anyways, Trace goes to rescue his sister, who ends up sacrificing herself to save him. And Skag dies when Stinger sacrifices herself. Man — post-apocalypse female life is cheap.

If this all seems like a jumbled mess to you and you may say, has Sam forgotten how to coherently relay a plot, you obviously have never seen this movie before.

Interestingly enough, The Scourge was going to be played by Fear lead singer Lee Ving. But he left before shooting began.

You could do worse for a movie. I’m not sure how. But I’m certain you could.

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