Hardbodies (1984)

This movie ran all the time on cable to the point that it was a puberty rite of passage amongst the teens of my hometown, which really seems to come up in so many write-ups this week. Yes, before the internet and sexting, we were all in our rooms alone watching cable and hacking the carrot. The 80s were not an innocent time.

Grant Cramer (Killer Klowns from Outer Space) is Scotty, who gets hired by three old men — Gary Wood, Michael Rapport (Patrick from Black Christmas) and Sorrells Pickard — to teach them how to pick up young women. He has a skill called BBD (Bigger and Better Deal) that allows him to “dialogue” women into bed. Then, you know, he falls in love with a girl named Kristi and starts seeing how sad the life he led once was. Because yeah, that’s how guys are.

I mean, what do you expect about a movie that’s based on an article in the November 1983 Penthouse Magazine that was written by the film’s screenwriters Eric Alter and Steve Greene? Supposedly, this is based on a true story.

Courtney Gains — Malachi! — is in this, as is Darcy DeMoss from Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives and Vice Academy 3, Roberta Collins (Matilda the Hun from Death Race 2000), Kathleen Kinmont (Halloween 4), Kristi Somers (Valerie from Savage Streets), Marcia Carr (Stevie from Savage Streets and Nancy from Maniac Cop), Emily Longstreth (American Drive-In), Leslee Bremmer (School Spirit), Kane Hodder as a geek and the band Vixen playing Diaper Rash.

Is it good? Well, no. Not really. Is it something that I watch every once in a while to remind myself of when I was closer in age to the hero and not the men who hire him?

Yes. I can admit it.

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