Hot Resort is an American Lemon Popsicle-style movie without the strangeness of The Last American Teen Virgin. I feel like I could stop writing here, but let’s trudge on.

Directed by John Robins, who worked on The Benny Hill Show which had to have served him well in this film, and co-written by Robins, Boaz Davidson (who, yes, made Lemon Popsicle and the American version, the aforementioned The Last American Teen Virgin) and Norman Hudis, who wrote several Carry On movies and lots and lots of TV, Hot Resort has four guys — Marty (Tom Parsekian), Kenny (Michael Berz), Chuck (Dan Schneider, who ends up being in two Cannon movies I watched in two days) and Brad (Bronson Pinchot) — working at a resort and really, that’s the plot. There’s some Meatballs competition against a rowing team and the winner gets to be in a soup commercial and you know, maybe this movie is pretty strange. Not bringing oranges to the hospital odd, but close.

Also, it seems like every teen comedy has to have some old Hollywood in it, and we all know that Satan is inside every actor from the time, so here’s Frank Gorshin. Marcy Walker — ex-daughter-in-law of Dick Warlock — is in this, as well as Debra Kelly and Linda Kenton, Penthouse Pet of the Month May 1983.

There are good 80s sex comedies. Then there’s Hot Resort. And Hot Chili, which is the same movie just about.

Up Your Anchor may be the sixth Lemon Popsicle film, but it truly feels like the sixtieth I’ve watched. Benji (Yftach Katzur) and Huey (Zachi Noy) are back and this time, they’re on a cruise ship.

Not returning would be Jonathan Sagall, who played Bobby in all of the films up until Baby Love. He clashed with Golan and Globus, as well as director Dan Wolman, which is why there’s a scene in the beginning where the remaining boys watch a home movie that replays scenes from the original movie instead of, you know, paying the actor. Boaz Davidson wasn’t involved either. That said series writers Sam Waynberg and Eli Tavor are on board, as is Bea Fielder, who was a frequent sex object in these movies.

There’s even less music, but at least Little Richard’s “Bama Lama Bama Loo” and the Yardbirds’ “For Your Love” are on the soundtrack. As for the rest of the film, it recycles what you’ve seen before, but as mentioned before, this is the sixth time this movie has been made and while the first was shocking for showing the sex lives of Israeli boys, by 1985 audiences had seen this all before.

One good thing: Yehuda Efroni is in it and he’s like the utility Cannon actor, showing up in The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood, Dr. Heckyl and Mr. Hype, Nana, Hercules, Night Soldier, Seven Magnificent Gladiators, The Delta Force, Million Dollar Madness, Rumpelstiltskin, The Emperor’s New Clothes, Sleeping Beauty, Braddock: Missing In Action III, American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt, Sinbad, Hanna’s War and Ten Little Indians.

Judoka Shadow versus Doctor Wong finds Jess Franco in a genre he never attempted before or after: the martial arts movie, perhaps ten to fifteen years late.

Dr. Wong (Franco) has killed Mr. Jung, but the shadow of Bruce Lyn (Jose Llamas) appears and demands revenge. Literally a shadow. That wasn’t some kind of turn of phrase.

Meanwhile, two secret agents Phillip Morris and Maggie (Albino Graziani and Lina Romay) are investigating the murder just as Wong seeks to kill off another enemy.

Featuring footage from the Taiwan movie Nu ying xiong fei che duo bao(Seven to One) and with Franco doing a high pitched and nearly shut eyed Asian stereotype as the lead villain, I have no idea why this was made, but it’s not the only Dr. Wong movie that Franco would make.

Franco made 19 movies for Golden Films International and there were no constraints other than budget. Why anyone thought that Franco — not a director of action — could make a Brucesploitation movie is the kind of thing that keeps me writing about movies.

Jose Llamas, who played the Bruce of this movie, if not the poster, became Pepito Tiésez and appeared in several adult movies including El ojete de Lulú (Lulu’s Asshole), Las Chuponas (The Suckers) and Para las nenas, leche calentita (For the Girls, Warm Milk), all directed by Franco. Sadly, he died of AIDS at some point in the 80s.

As for Dr. Wong, I direct you — or implore you to avoid — Dr. Wong’s Virtual Hell.

The island in this movie is a bad, bad place, filled with bad, bad people. So when the body of Martin El Pocho washes up on the shore, anyone could be the killer in a town filled with angry fishermen, thugs and women of ill repute. Sheriff Carlos (Antonio Mayans) and the cornoner Dr. Ramiro (Juan Soler) decide to investigate, getting a clue from an old drunk (Jess Franco, showing up in his own movie) to tell them that there’s a pair of sirens on the island that lure men to their deaths.

Those sirens just may be bar owner Alida (Eva Leon, Mansion of the Living Dead) and her sullen emo silent sister Maria (Lina Romay). Meanwhile, a crime lord named Raul (Tony Skios) and his young henchman Andy (Jose Llamas) get invovled, plus Andy is in love with a townie virgin played by Analía Ivars from Franco’s Golden Temple Amazons.

If Jess Franco made a soap opera — or more to the point a telenovella — this would be it. I’d point to this movie as a film that says that he has talent and can tell a story, which would become rare in the years after this. And the new bluy ray release of this really shows off how much the scenery and colors of the area can become characters of their own within his movie.

Any movie that gives you the image of Analía Ivars blasting people with a shotgun while dressed for a white wedding is one worth a watch.

You can get Bahia Blanca from Severin.

So let’s try and make sense of this: There are three versions of this movie, all with completely different plots.

Version 1: Usher (Howard Vernon) is a killer facing mortality while dealing with the torment of the ghosts of his victim. This original version, The Hundimiento de la Casa Usher (The Fall of the House of Usher) was only shown once at the 1983 Imagfic – Festival Internacional de Madrid de Cine Imaginario y de Ciencia-ficción. The audience laughed and booed the film from start to finish, which led to the movie never being distributed and making some of the footage lost forever.

Version 2: Usher (still Howard Vernon) is a vampire who needs human blood to stay alive. This version has three new scenes with Vernon murdering three victims, a new plot and a new title, Los Crímenes de Usher (The Crimes of Usher), and a very limited release two years after it was made.

Version 3: Usher (yet again, Howard Vernon) is a mad scientist who kidnaps village girls and uses their blood to keep his daughter Melissa (Françoise Blanchard, Nero and Poppea – An Orgy of Power, Caligula and Messalina, The Living Dead Girl) alive, meaning that he’s Dr. Orloff. In fact, Franco even used fifteen minutes of black and white footage of The Awful Dr. Orlof.

Then, Brazilian independent filmmaker Felipe M. Guerra (Deodato Holocaust, FantastiCozzi) made a fan cut that reassembled as much of the lost version 1 as possible, editing in versions 2 and 3 and keeping any repetitive footage out of the movie. Shown at Fantaspoa – International Fantastic Film Festival of Porto Alegre (Brazil) in 2016, it caused guest Antonio Mayans to say that it was the first time that he had seen the movie that Franco had intended and that the dignity had been restored to his work.

As for the House of Usher in the film, it’s the Castle of Santa Catalina, where Die Another Day was shot. However, what Franco has captured, through his three cuts — well, nearly four — is the story of Dr. Alan Harker (Mayans) who goes to see his former professor Dr. Eric Usher (Vernon), who may be hundreds of years old and given to hallucinations.

The doctor’s assistant Morpho is Olivier Matho in the new footage. He also directed scenes for the French version. Of course, the housekeeper is Lina Romay. It makes about as much sense as a Frankenstein Poe story as told over multiple decades by Jess Franco is going to get.

You can watch this on Kino Cult.

The original French title of this movie — Poulet au vinaigre — means vinegar chicken, but poulet also means cop, so it’s a play on words. The detective film that results, the first several appearances of Inspecteur Jean Lavardin (Jean Poiret), takes the notions of the genre and gives it the spin that director Claude Chabrol is so famous for.

Three men in a small town — a lawyer named Lavoisier (Michel Bouquet), Dr. Morasseau (Jean Topart) and Filiol the butcher (Jean-Claude Bouillaud) — have been conspiring to take the house of Louis Cuno (Lucas Belvaux) and his invalid mother. They continually harass the twosome and take away any joy from their life, so after one particularly bad encounter, Louis puts sugar in the gas tank of the butcher, which leads to a fatal accident and brings Lavardin to town.

That’s just the start of the story, as Lavoisier’s mistress Anna (Caroline Cellier) and Morasseau’s wife Delphine (Josephine Chaplin), who make an odd couple, but both quickly vanish. And then a statue of a nue Delphone shows up in the doctor’s garden and a charred body in another car wreck. It seems like this town has more than its share of secrets.

Stéphane Audran, who plays Madame Cuno, also appears in the TV spin-off Les dossiers secrets de l’inspecteur Lavardin: L’escargot noir as a different character. She was married to Chabrol from 1964 to 1980 and obviously continued working with his professionally after. Their son Thomas appeared in many of his father’s movies and has become a director and screenwriter himself.

Arrow Video’s Lies And Deceit: Five Films By Claude Chabrol collected five high definitions (1080p) blu ray versions of Cop Au Vin and Inspector Lavardin to Madame Bovary, Betty and Torment. Each movie has an introduction by film scholar Joël Magny and select scene commentaries by Chabrol. Additionally, there’s an 80-page collector’s booklet of new writing by film critics Martyn Conterio, Kat Ellinger, Philip Kemp and Sam Wigley, trailers and image galleries for each movie and limited edition packaging with newly commissioned artwork by Tony Stella.

Cop Au Vin has new commentary by critic Ben Sachs, a new interview with film historian Ian Christie, a segment with Christie and Chabrol onstage at the BFI in 1994 and a Swiss TV show that features Chabrol, Jean Poiret and Stephane Audran talking about the film.

You can order this set from MVD.

13 year old me didn’t care about any 80s starlet that you’d care to mention. I’d already discovered the forbidden fruit that was Eurosleaze and with it, probably one of its classier stars, Sylvia Kristel. You know who agreed with me? Well, at least in the theory that he could make money off of her? Menahem Golan of Cannon, who came up with this movie just for her.

Curtis Harrington directed and he wasn’t pleased with the end product, but this was Cannon. He didn’t have final cut. “I wish I could have been involved in preserving what I felt was the integrity of the film. There were moments I felt were unreasonably cut. I’m not entirely happy with the cut. But (the people at Cannon) don’t care what I think,” he said at the time.

Even as a teen watching this with no sound on Cinemax, I knew that it wasn’t historically accurate. It’s about a fictitious love triangle between Mata Hari and two officers, one French and one German, who end up on the opposite sides of World War I. Despite Mata Hari exposing a German plot, she’s still arrested as a double agent and executed, even though everyone knows that she’s innocent, which wasn’t what I was looking for at 1:47 AM on Cinemax After Dark, you know?

This movie was chopped up to avoid an X rating, Kristel was dubbed and she was deep in her addiction by this point. As much as I love Cannon, they were not the studio to make this, but had that ever stopped them before?

Also known as Cocaine Connection, Texas Snow-Line, Texas Godfather and The Milkman, this movie comes straight out of Beaumont, Texas. Sure, some talent has been imported, like Vince Edwards (Dr. Ben Casey!) who plays the kind of, sort of hero Steve King (nobody in this is the good guy), Paul Smith (Pieces, Bluto from Popeye) as a local crime boss, Phil Foster (Frank DeFazio from Laverne and Shirley) and June “The Bosom” Wilkinson (The Private Lives of Adam and Eve, Macumba Love) in her first movie in 25 years.

A snow line is a connection for cocaine between multiple cities, here Houston to El Paso, and King is a New York lawyer who has spent a year growing his business in the Lone Star state. All the coke gets moved through a dairy, so when you get milk, you get snow. But the whole story is super slow and there’s nobody to root for. But yeah, director Douglas F. O’Neons did his one and done movie here, working from a script by Robert Hilliard, who also wrote Valentine Magic on Love Island, Vasectomy: A Delicate Matter and shows up as an actor in Keaton’s Cop.

I mean, the poster is a million times better than the movie, but Paul Smith does go nuts and kill a gator, which is pretty much the high point of like ten movies, right?

You can watch this on YouTube.

Ugo Moretti wrote the Carroll Baker giallo Paranoia AKA Orgasmo and for that, we should be thankful. This is another of his scripts — based on The Alcove by Judith Wexley* — which is the story of Elio De Silveris (Al Cliver), a war veteran, who returns from the Second Abyssinian War with a prisoner of war. That POW, Zerbal, ends up being Laura Gemser and you know exactly where a Gemser and D’Amato movie is going.

While the master of the house was in combat, his wife Alessandra (Lilli Carati, Escape from Women’s Prison) had an affair with Elio’s secretary Wilma (Annie Belle, who dated Cliver from 1975 to 1978; she’s also in House On the End of the Park and Absurd). Now that he’s back home working on his book, Mrs. Elio is getting with the African princess and who can blame her?

There’s also Elio’s son and a gardner who are part of the coupling and decoupling in the house, which soon becomes a place of jealousy and then Elio gets the bright idea that he should start making adult movies — in 1937! — and soon there’s a power struggle for who really is in control. And then Zerbal enacts a ritual to prove once and for all who really is the master in this whole love square. Or hexagon. Or man, who knows, it’s a lot of people.

When D’Amato is making an adult film that works, it really works. This is one of those, a movie where the story is just as important as all the horizontal moments.

*Much like most of the quotes in Fulci movies and the Necronomicon, this book does not exist.