Adele Karnstein (Halina Zalewska, An Angel for Satan) is accused of witchcraft and burned, but really it’s because she wouldn’t sleep with Count Humboldt (Giuliano Raffaelli). When her daughter Helen (Barbara Steele) confronts him, she even offers her body to him to save her mother. The Count still watches as her mother is burned alive and tosses Helen off a cliff. To add even more pain to the Karnestein family, her sister Lisabeth (also Halina Zalewska) is taken in by Humboldt and eventually marries his nephew, Kurt (George Ardisson).

As a plague destroys the country, a storm blows in on the night of the Count’s death, bringing Mary (also Barbara Steele) who inspires Kurt to kill his wife and be with her. Bad idea Kurt. This is an Italian Gothic and all men are morons who must be destroyed by the female ghosts of past tragedy and the curses of mothers whose daughters could not save them.

I mean, Barbara Steele is a ghost whose skeleton is reanimated by lightning. Can movies get any more magical? Do you know how much it makes me fall into a dream of movie drugs to have Steele walking through a cobwebbed castle in a white nightgown holding blazing candles?

While written by Ernesto Gastaldi and Tonino Valerii, neither had enough experience to direct — or so said producer Felice Testa Gay — which brought in Antonio Margheriti to make the film. For as much as Margheriti is known for his miniature-rich war movies, he had a talent for making movies like this. Just check out Castle of Blood, The Virgin of Nuremberg, The Unnaturals and Web of the Spider.

You can watch this on YouTube.

I know that Lon Chaney Jr.’s career highlight was being in the Universal monster movies. I realize that the end of his life seems sad — he suffered from throat cancer and heart disease after decades of hard drinking and smoking. In fact, Robert Stack claimed in his autobiography that Chaney and Broderick Crawford were known around the Universal lot as “the monsters” due to how much they drank and raised hell.

Despite living in his father’s shadow, Chaney could be one hell of an actor. After all, he played Lennie Small in the original Of Mice and Men. You get reminded of that when you watch late period Chaney and he has to use his voice and body instead of makeup in films like Spider Baby.

That brings us to The Devil’s Messenger, a 1961 anthology that takes three episodes of the Swedish TV series 13 Demon Street. From the tale of a 50,000-year-old woman trapped in ice bewitching scientists to a man who learns of his death in a dream to a photographer who attacks a woman in teh snow and can’t escape her, these are some pretty decent stories. And oh yeah — there’s a framing device starring Chaney, Karen Kadler and John Crawford that was directed by Herbert L. Strock (I Was a Teenage Frankenstein).

Guess what? Those three Swedish episodes — The Photograph,” “The Girl in the Glacier,” and “Condemned in Crystal” — were directed by Curt Siodmak. Who is that? Oh, only the guy who wrote the original The Wolf Man, I Walked with a Zombie, Son of Dracula and House of Frankenstein as well as directing Curucu, Beast of the Amazon and The Magnetic Monster.

Look, any movie where Lon Chaney Jr. makes good on Satan’s plot to nuke the world is one I’m going to love.

Starting with Todd Slaughter at the BBC, talking about his first two movies (Maria Marten or Murder in the Red Barn and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street), this has him playing Stephen Hawke, a money lender who loves his daughter Julia (Marjorie Taylor). He’s also the Spine-Breaker, a serial killer who is the opposite of his friendly self.

He ends up murdering Joshua Trimble (D J Williams), the father of his daughter’s fiancee Matthew (Eric Portman). Miles Archer (Gerald Barry), another suitor, finds out and tries to blackmail Julia into marrying him instead, so Hawke kills him, but falls off a roof to his death.

It’s a stage play, like Slaughter’s other films, but he’s so strong in this that he can snap a man with his bare hands. Director George King and Slaughter teamed for several of these films, which were encouraged by the British government so that not every movie was made in Hollywood that screened in the UK.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Based on The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins, this was directed by George King and written by Edward Dryhurst, Frederick Hayward and H. F. Maltby. It stars Tod Slaughter as a man taking the place of Sir Percival Glyde, trying to take his estate, Blackwater Park. It starts with him hammering a tent stake into the man’s ear and continues to have him murder many people who think that he’s an imposter. Who knew that slashers started in 1940?

Maybe the estate is bankrupt, so despite all the killing that the fake Sir Percival has already done, he has to romance and marry heiress Laurie Fairlie (Sylvia Marriott), then he plans to murder her and replace her with a mental patient who looks just like her.

Slaughter was known as the villain in Victorian stage plays, which were all about him being over the top. He does that here, strangling people, shouting about “beastly germs” when someone sneezes and being haunted by the woman in white. He’s the best.

You can download this from the Internet Archive.

Based on an original story by writer and critic Walter C. Mycroft, this was directed by Alfred Hitchcock, who co-wrote it with Eliot Stannard. This is the second comedy that Hitchcock made after The Farmer’s Wife; he later voiced his unhappiness with the film in François Truffaut’s Hitchcock/Truffaut, saying that the movie had no story. During a press conference for Family Plot, he again said that it was his least favorite movie.

Betty (Betty Balfour) uses a plane to fly to see her boyfriend (Jean Bradin) in France, which upsets her wealthy father (Gordon Harker). She meets a mysterious stranger (Ferdinand von Alten) and breaks up with her boyfriend just as her family loses all their money. But it’s all a lie; the father has hired the man and has tipped off the boyfriend.

Not my favorite Hitchcock, but he would be OK with me saying that.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Have you ever seen Night Train to Terror and wondered — what would one of that film’s portmanteau sequences be like if they were expanded to an entire movie? Good news! Well, maybe. Your wishes have come true.

The final story of Night Train, “The Case of Claire Hansen”, was really a film called The Nightmare Never Ends (alternatively known as Cataclysm and Satan’s Supper). It boasts three directors. Amazingly, it was written by Philip Yordan, who not only won the Academy Award for Broken Lance in 1954, but also provided a front for blacklisted Hollywood writers (he was Bernard Gordon’s front for The Day of the Triffids)!

This is my favorite kind of movies — a film I discover at 5 a.m. when the rest of the world is asleep, and I wonder if it can really be true and if I am not still asleep. To say that this is a batshit insane film is to do a disservice to the phrase batshit insane. I feel ill-prepared to share its wonder with you, but I’m sure going to try.

Two stories are going on here:

Nobel Prize-winning author James Hansen (Richard Moll of TV’s Night Court and House) and his devoutly Catholic wife Claire (who is a surgeon, which totally comes into play later) decide to go to Vegas to both celebrate James’ new book and to get away from Claire’s nightmares. Wondering what James won the Nobel Prize for? He wrote a book that proved that God is dead. Now, he’s planning a TV special to tell the whole story to the entire world (he’s preaching the bad news!). Well, alright. And that Claire — seems that she’s been dreaming about volcanoes. They decide to go see a magician, who puts Claire into a trance in seconds.

That’s when we learn the real secret of what has been bothering Claire — Nazis! She dreams of a handsome young officer who kills a room of other officers and an all-female string orchestra. After the show, Claire invites him to dinner after he tells her that a demon is after her. He never makes it — he is killed and a 666 tattoo is left on his scalp.

Remember when I said there was a second story?

Mr. Weiss is super old and out of it, but totally recognizes a Nazi when he sees one. Pretty and rich Olivier is being interviewed during the intermission of the New York Ballet, and he looks exactly like the Nazi officer who killed Weiss’ parents at Auschwitz (and he’s also the Nazi from Claire’s dream). Weiss is a Nazi hunter, believe it or not, and he calls in his neighbor, Lieutenant Stern (Cameron Mitchell, who has been in more movies than there have been movies, but let’s call out Blood and Black Lace as one of the best of his films). They go to the ballet and follow Olivier to his extravagant mansion, all the while Stern tries to convince the old man that this cannot be the man who tormented his childhood. Weiss grabs his Luger and goes to kill Olivier, but an unseen demon kills him and leaves a 666 on his body.

Oh yeah, there’s also a homeless priest named Papini who tries to protect James and Claire, even telling her how to kill Olivier.

Numerous characters show up and just die, like Stern’s partner and Claire’s nephew. Even better, there are multiple disco scenes, which feature some wonderfully horrid songs and Olivier seducing Claire’s nephew’s fiancée (so many degrees of separation) until he takes off his shoe to reveal a furry hoof!

As to not skip any exploitation genre — we’ve already had Nazis, tough cops, disco and the occult — Claire goes to visit a black spiritualist who unexpectedly goes off on a rampage, pushing the film toward blaxploitation!  “I am a black man–a (N WORD) in your country. You are a rich woman; I’m sure you have many powerful friends… but they couldn’t help you! You had to seek the help of a (N WORD)!” It’s so insane and doesn’t fit into the movie at all.

Neither does the scene where Papini is killed by Ishtar, Olivier’s assistant (who is only in this one scene). It’s the chance to add some skin to the film and even more blasphemy.

Seriously — this film has blasphemy in spades. If you’re in a metal band that needs samples about religion and the devil, you should totally give this a watch. You’re going to find tons of samples.

Every single actor in this film either reads their lines in monotone or screams them as loudly as possible — sometimes within the same sentence. The lone exceptions are Richard Moll, who is the best actor here and Mitchell, who is the gruffest cop of all time.

Nearly everyone in this movie (and the related Night Train to Terror) was also involved in another film that destroyed my brain cells, Cry Wilderness, which was featured on the latest season of Mystery Science Theater. A Bigfoot meets E.T. epic of pure maniacal weirdness, it was also written by Yordan and was directed by Jay Schlossberg-Cohen, who created the wraparound story for Night Train to Terror. Seems that Visto International Inc., a small theatrical motion picture production and distribution company, produced these films in the early 80s, a magical era of cheaply made independent films. Plus, both films (or all three, if we can cross over between Night Train, Nightmare and Wilderness) feature the acting skills, if you will, of Tony Giorgio, Maurice Grandmaison and Faith Clift.

Let me see if I can summarize the ending of this — after Oliver kills everyone else, Claire hits him with her car. She throws the body in the trunk and takes him to surgery, where she and her nephew’s girlfriend give him open heart surgery, complete with blood spraying and puking. Oh yeah, there’s also stabbing and slapping and screaming. And the bad guy wins!

Holy fuck — this is certainly a slice of cinematic goofball awesome that I won’t soon forget. Make no mistake — it’s a horrible film. But at the same time, it’s also a great one!

You can watch this on Tubi.