Soft Hands or The Hands of a Single Woman is about Countess Eugenia Fabiani (Marina Hedman, La bimba di Satana) and her deserted cottages overlooking a series of cliffs in Southern Italy. English writer Tom MacLaglen (Vanni Materassi) has come there looking for inspiration. He is joined by his wife Sara (Bibi Cassanelli). They’ve reached what may be the end of their marriage after he forced her to have an abortion, which causes her to no longer allow him to touch her.

This allows Eugenia to pursue Sara, leaving behind her servant Fosca (Christiana Borghi) who finds herself in the bed of the husband as well as working up a lunatic and a blind man. This is not a good idea, as Dr. Oscar (Edoardo Spada) and his two nuns run a mental hospital. Of course, one night, five of the patients — lured on by the idea that all of these sexualized women are so close after watching them on the beach — escape and attack, taking Eugenia’s hands. These men may as well be out of a horror movie.

This is one weird film. Director and writer Nello Rossati may have never made a normal picture, as he also made the comedy zombie movie  Io Zombo, Tu Zombi, Lei Zomba; the 1972 giallo La gatta in calore; the seemingly post-apocalyptic western Django Strikes Again, a Napoleon film named Bona parte di Paolina; Ursula Andress slumming it in The Sensuous Nurse; the crime movie Don’t Touch the Children!; a female revenge movie by the name of  Fuga scabrosamente pericolosa and the delirious weirdness that is Top Line. He wasn’t going to let me down here, because this is at times comedy and other times outright horror.

The title of this movie translates as The two cats o’ nine tails… and a half in Amsterdam. As you can see, this references the names of two Argento movies, Four Flies On Grey Velvet and The Cat O’Nine Tails.

Investigative reporter Ciccio (Ciccio Ingrassia) and photographer Franco (Franco Franchi) are working in advertising when they get sent to Amsterdam to look into the murder of a diamond seller. They meet an organized crime player named Big Bon (Luigi Bonos) who is arrested as soon as their plane lands. However, he told them to find Thea (Elisabeth Sennfors), a model that he knows, who can help.

None of this has anything to do with Argento or giallo once you get past the murder mystery that sets up all of the unconnected comedy scenes and the title. Well, Luciano Pigozzi is in it as a killer, but otherwise unless you have a Letterboxd list of giallo films to add to, you can probably skip this.

Director and writer Osvaldo Civirani also made The Devil Has Seven Faces among many other films throughout his long career. The comedy duo of Franco and Ciccio also show up in another of his works, Two Sons of Trinity. Speaking of those guys, they were in several films directed by Lucio Fulci (including 002 Operazione Luna, Oh! Those Most Secret Agents!, The Two Parachutists, The Long, The Short, The Cat, How We Got into Trouble with the Army, How We Robbed the Bank of Italy and How We Stole the Atomic Bomb) and Mario Bava’s Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs.

The Terror With Cross-Eyes was directed by Steno, whose sons are Enrico and Carlo Vanzina, who together kicked off a new wave of giallo in the 1980s with Nothing Underneath. In this film — written by the director with Giulio Scarnicci and Raimondo Vianello — is about Mino (Enrico Montesano), Giacinto (Alighiero Noschese) and Mirella (Isabella Biagini) staging a murder to become famous. The problem is that when they arrive at Mirella’s apartment, there’s already the dead body of her roommate Margaretha (Maria Baxa).

As they watch the police take the body away, they run, only to be pursued by Commissario Pigna (Francis Blanche). Like good giallo protagonists, they decide to investigate the murder themselves and find that there are connections to organized crime. Anyone that has come close to Margaretha is also being killed by — as the title says — a man with crossed eyes.

Italian comedy is not usually comedy for foreigners. Consider this a crime comedy then with some small hints at giallo. This was lost for some time — and according to Mark David Welsh that may be because of a controversial Manson Family joke — but now it’s online and easier to watch. Sadly, it doesn’t have much to recommend, unless you — like me — are a giallo completist.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Six years after committing a murder and getting away with it — they used to pick up strangers at bars and play sex games with them while taking pictures, but one of them accidentally dies — Lea (Marília Branco), Andrea (Roberto Bisacco) and Vanni (Daniel Sola) get a photo of them that proves they are guilty. They pay the blackmail — they’re all rich enough now — but the messages keep coming. Who is it? Is it one of the three? Old friend Carletto (Lino Capolicchio) who is back in town? So cosa hai fatto l’estate scorsa?

The English translation of this movie is Shame on you, swine! and the film really shows how empty and pointless the lives of the idle rich are. They would have hated Carletto even if they didn’t think he was the one holding their past crimes over their collective heads; he’s a left wing radical artist who hates the capitalism that has given them whatever life they sleepwalk through.

Directed by Mauro Severino, who wrote the story with Giuseppe D’Agata, this film comes before the giallo form was set by Argento. At this point, they could be anything from a Hitchcock ripoff to a movie like this that uses crime and sleaze to poke at the ways of Milan in 1969.

Based around the nursery rhyme “Giro giro tondo” (“Ring Around the Rosie”), this Ennio Morricone soundtrack makes this even better.

You can watch this on The Cave of Forgotten Films.

Years after the story in Tremors, Val McKee has moved away and married Rhonda LeBeck. Oh well — Kevin Bacon did Apollo 13 instead and Reba McEntire went on tour.

As for Earl Basset (Fred Ward), he wasted his money on an ostrich ranch. The good news — I guess — is that the monsters haven’t gone away.

A rich man named Carlos Ortega (Marcelo Tubert) is upset that Graboids are killing his men on the oil fields. He offers Earl $50,000 for monster he kills, money that interests the man picking Earle up for this mission, Grady Hoover (Christopher Gartin). He also finds out that he gets $100,000 if they captures one alive.

Along with geologist Kate Reilly (Helen Shaver) and her team of Julio (Marco Hernandez) and Pedro (José Rosario), who are studying the monsters, Earl and Grady use remote control cars with bombs to wipe out Graboids before they get overwhelmed. That’s when they call in Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) to help them wipe them all out.

Well, that seems easy until they meet a new mutation that they call Shriekers. This version of the beasts can replication without a mate when they eat food and while they can’t hear, they can sense through their infrared sensors.

Originally created to be direct to video, this kept getting delayed — for two years — because every time they played it in theaters for test screenings, it did really well. The fans wanted it to be in theaters and it finally ended up playing there — at the TCL Hollywood Theatre, the Alfred Hitchcock Theater and the National Theatre in Tokyo, Japan — before being released on video.

This was directed by S.S. Wilson, the co-creator of the franchise and inspiration for the character of Burt Gummer. He was also the narrator. He also wrote Heart and Souls, Wild Wild West and Short Circuit. He also directed Tremors 4: The Legend Begins and wrote the script with his usual writing partner Brent Maddock.

There’s a reason why they made so many of these movies. They’re fun and filled with great looking kaiju. It’s a perfect video era watch.

The Arrow Video release of Tremors 2 has a new 4K restoration from the original negative by Arrow Films, approved by director S.S. Wilson. There are two commentaries, one by director/co-writer S.S. Wilson and co-producer Nancy Roberts and the other with Jonathan Melville, author of Seeking Perfection: The Unofficial Guide to Tremors.

There are also interviews with special effects designer Peter Chesney and CG supervisor Phil Tippett. It also includes an on-set featurette, outtakes, trailers, an image gallery, an illustrated perfect bound booklet featuring new writing by Jonathan Melville on the Tremors 2 scripts that never got made, and Dave Wain & Matty Budrewicz on the history of the Universal TV sequel division, a double-sided fold-out poster featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Matt Frank, a small fold-out poster featuring new Shrieker X-ray art by Matt Frank and limited Edition packaging featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Matt Frank.

You can get the blu ray from MVD and the 4K UHD from Arrow Video.

You know what they say. If you can’t get John Milius, grab the dude who directed Mandingo, Soylent Green and the Neil Diamond remake version of The Jazz Singer, Richard Fleischer. That’s exactly what Dino and Raffaella De Laurentiis did here. It makes sense, though, as Fleischer had also directed The Vikings, one of the films that had inspired Milius as he created Conan the Barbarian.

This time, however, gore was out and humor was in. That said, the original story is by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, the comic book writers who were behind so many of Conan’s Marvel Comics stories.

Conan (Schwarzenegger) and his companion, the thief Malak (Tracy Walter, Bob the Goon from Batman) are tested by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas, Ursa from Superman II). She has a quest for him and should he succeed, she will bring Valeria back from the dead. He must escort Jehnna, the queen’s virginal niece, to restore the horn of the dreaming god Dagoth (yes, Conan and HP Lovecraft aren’t far removed).

Our heroes are joined by basketball star Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata, the leader of the royal guard, who has orders to kill Conan as soon as the gem is secured. To combat the wizard who has the gem, Conan brings back Akiro the Wizard (Mako) from the last movie. And soon, they save Zula (Grace Jones!) from some villagers and she joins their quest.

They come to the castle of Thoth-Amon, who is played by former pro wrestler “Judo” Pat Roach. Roach is in a ton of movies that you know and love and you know exactly who he is, but may not know him by name. He’s the flying wing mechanic in Raiders of the Last Ark, the bouncer in A Clockwork Orange and General Kael in Willow. He turns into a giant bird and kidnaps Jehnna and then turns into a monkey man inside a hall of mirrors. His death destroys the entire castle. This whole sequence makes the movie!

When they return, Taramis’ guards attack (Sven-Ole Thorsen, who played Thorgrim in the first film is one of them, this time called Togra), but Bombaata claims to have no idea why. Jehna starts to fall for Conan, but he explains his devotion to Valeria to her. Soon after, they learn that Jehna will be sacrificed to awaken Dagoth, who is played by Andre the Giant!

Everything works out for Conan and he decides to leave his companions behind for further adventures. Sadly, despite years of promising, no new Arnold starring film has reached the silver screen.

Despite this being a toned down film, it’s packed with great scenes. If only it was all as awesome as the sequences where Conan battles Thoth-Amon, including the mirror battle. Still, it’s way better than Red Sonja and any Conan project that would follow. The more I watch it, the more I enjoy it.

The Arrow Video release of Conan the Destroyer has a brand new 4K restoration from the original negative by Arrow Films. There are four commentaries: director Richard Fleischer; actors Olivia d’Abo and Tracey Walter; actor Sarah Douglas with genre historians Kim Newman & Stephen Jones and genre historian Paul M. Sammon, author of Conan: The Phenomenon. It also has a newly assembled isolated score track in lossless stereo.

Extras include new interviews with casting director Johanna Ray, costume designer John Bloomfield, art director Kevin Phipps, stunt coordinator Vic Armstrong John Walsh and author of Conan the Barbarian: The Official History of the Film. There are archival features including an interview with writers Roy Thomas & Gerry Conway, an interview with composer Basil Poledouris, trailers and an image gallery.

It all comes with a double-sided fold-out poster, six double-sided collectors’ postcards and an illustrated collectors’ booklet featuring new writing by Walter Chaw and John Walsh, and an archive set report by Paul M. Sammon.

You can get Conan the Destroyer on blu ray from MVD and 4K UHD from Arrow Video. They also have the Conan Chronicles with both films on 4K UHD and blu ray.

When Robert E. Howard created Conan, it was popular for its time as a pulp character. By the time of his creator’s suicide in 1936, Conan had appeared in 21 complete stories, 17 of which had been published, as well as a number of unfinished tales. After years of the copyright to the character passing around, Lancer released a series of paperbacks with dynamic Frank Frazetta covers that introduced the Cimmerian barbarian to an entirely new audience.

In 1970, Marvel Comics began adapting the Howard tales, arguably increasing the reach of the character even further than the original books. Then, in 1975, Edward R. Pressman (who also produced Christmas Evil) and Edward Summer started working on getting the books onto the silver screen. They had Oliver Stone writing it and Arnold Schwarzenegger for the lead, but couldn’t get major studios interested.

However, in 1979, they sold the project to Dino De Laurentiis and John Milius was picked as the director. Combining several Howard stories, the filming took place in Spain and the entire film was based on Frazetta’s artwork. After a year of editing — and plenty of gore being cut out — the film was released to $100 million dollars of box office, which increased thanks to home video and cable. Some don’t consider it a blockbuster, but how else would there so many ripoffs released in its wake?

The film begins with a sword being forged by a blacksmith who shows it to his son, the young Conan, and tells him the Riddle of Steel. To sum it up, “Flesh grows weak. Steel becomes brittle. But the will is indomitable”. He tells his son that everyone will fail him, but he can always count on steel.

The Cimmerians are soon murdered by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). This villain is a combination of several Howard characters. While his name comes from one of Kull of Atlantis’ villains, he is similar to Thoth-Amon, leading an army of suicidal warriors devoted to their king.

Conan’s father is killed by dogs and his sword is given to Doom, who hypnotizes and then beheads Conan’s mom (Nadiuska, who was also in Guyana: Cult of the Damned) in front of him. Our hero is then sold into slavery, chained to a mill stone known as the Wheel of Pain. While other children die, Conan lives to become a monster of a man, consigned to the gladiator pits and used as a stud to create more soldiers. Yet Conan becomes a favorite of the men he has been sold to and is educated in the East before being freed.

Conan wanders the world as a free man, finding an ancient sword and meeting a witch who gives him a prophecy of his future. This scene kinda blows my mind, because Conan is so good at having sex that he turns the witch into a demon and then throws her into the fire. That’s how good Conan is in the sack.

Conan befriends Subotai (surfing legend Gerry Lopez), a Hyrkanian thief, and Valeria, a female mercenary. Her name comes from Conan’s companion in the story “Red Nails”, while her personality and fate are based on Bêlit, the pirate queen of “Queen of the Black Coast.” She’s played by Sandahl Bergman, who is also in She, a totally ridiculous movie that I want more people to love as much as me.

In the city of Zamora, the trio steal from the Tower of Serpents and Valeria and Conan seal their union by making love. Soon, they’re captured by the soldiers of King Osrić (Max von Sydow), who only ask that three bring back his daughter. Subotai and Valeria refuse, but Conan’s hatred of Doom sends him to the Temple of Set.

There, he’s captured and tortured, as Doom insults his family and crucifies him on the Tree of Woe. Before our hero dies, Subotai rescues him and brings him to Akiro, the Wizard of the Mounds. He’s played by Mako, who was also the voice of Master Splinter in 2007’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The wizard summons demons that heal our hero but extract a heavy toll that Valeria agrees to pay.

Finally, our heroes go back to Doom’s temple and unleash their full vengeance. However, Doom himself becomes a giant snake and slithers away, because this movie is both insane and awesome. As the trio rides away, Doom shoots Valeria with a snake arrow and she dies in Conan’s arms, paying the toll that the wizard warned her about.

She is burned at the Mounds. As Conan stares at the fire, having lost the love of his life, Subotai cries for his friend, explaining that “A Cimmerian won’t cry, so I cry for him.” How is a film so testosterone and gore filled so poetic at times?

Our hero lays waste to Doom’s troops and when Rexor (former Oakland Raider Ben Davidson, who also played the bouncer in Behind the Green Door), one of the largest of them, almost kills him Valeria reappears as a valkyrie to save him for the briefest of seconds. Subotai saves the princess and Conan finds his father’s sword and breaks it in combat. Look for Sven Ole Thorsen in this too as Thorgrim. Sven has dated Grace Jones since 1990, but has been in an open relationship with her since 2007. He’s also in Conan the Destroyer and The Running Man.

That night, Conan comes back to the Temple and is greeted with open arms by Doom, who tries to mentally stop him. Conan resists and beheads his enemy with his father’s broken sword. He has solved the Riddle of Steel: you must become the steel and only rely upon yourself.

Conan burns down the Temple of Set and returns the princess to her father. The movie then shows us Conan on the throne of an empire, letting us know that one day he will rule the entire land.

No one could play Conan but Arnold, who started growing his hair in 1979 for this part. He trained for this movie like he did for his bodybuilding competitions: weapons training, martial arts training, horse riding lessons, even sword fighting with an 11-pound broadsword two hours a day for three months, as well as how to fall and roll from 15-foot drops. He also got 5% of the movie’s profits, a pretty hefty sum.

I love this movie. I adore the fact that Conan doesn’t speak until 20 minutes into the film and doesn’t speak for the last 20 minutes either. It’s awesome that Valeria is just as strong of a fighter — and maybe even stronger in spirit — as Conan. Every 80’s sword and sorcery movie is in debt to this, as much as Arnold claims that his performance is owed to peplum star Steve Reeves.

The set from Arrow Video has, well, the most extras I’ve ever seen. It all starts with a brand new 4K restoration from the original negative by Arrow Films, a double-sided fold-out poster, six double-sided collectors’ postcards and illustrated collectors’ booklet featuring new writing by Walter Chaw and John Walsh, and an archive set report by Paul M. Sammon.

There are three versions of the film via seamless branching: the Theatrical Cut (127 mins), the International Cut (129 mins) and the Extended Cut (130 mins); archive feature commentary by director John Milius and star Arnold Schwarzenegger for the Extended Cut, brand new commentary by genre historian Paul M. Sammon, author of Conan: The Phenomenon on the Extended Cut and a newly assembled isolated score track in lossless stereo for the Extended Cut.

The extras blu ray has even more, such as Conan Unchained: The Making of Conan, an archive documentary from 2000 featuring interviews with Schwarzenegger, Milius, Stone, Jones, Lopez, Bergman, Poledouris and several others; new interviews with production artist William Stout, costume designer John Bloomfield, special effects crew members Colin Arthur and Ron Hone, Jorge Sanz, Jack Taylor, assistant editor Peck Prior, visual effects crew members Peter Kuran and Katherine Kean, filmmaker Robert Eggers on the film’s influence on The Northman, John Walsh, author of Conan the Barbarian: The Official History of the Film and Alfio Leotta, author of The Cinema of John Milius. There are also archival features on the literary and comic book roots of the movie, an interview with sword master Kiyoshi Yamasaki, on-set cast and crew interviews, A Tribute to Basil Poledouris, a rarely-seen electronic press kit from 1982, featuring over half an hour of on-set footage and cast and crew interviews, outtakes, image galleries, trailers and Conan the Barbarian: The Musical, an affectionate comic tribute to the film by Jon & Al Kaplan.

“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad, why we fought, or why we died. No, all that matters is that this set is amazing and we must thank you for it!”

You can get Conan the Barbarian on blu ray from MVD and 4K UHD from Arrow Video. They also have the Conan Chronicles with both films on 4K UHD and blu ray.