April 8: Eclipse — Protect your eyes, stay inside and watch a movie about an eclipse.

Luther Heggs (Duane Whitaker) escapes from prison and gets his old gang back together, which is made up of Buck Bowers (Robert Patrick), C.W. Niles (Muse Watson), Jesus Draven (Raymond Cruz) and Ray Bob (Brett Harrelson). As they wait in a motel, Luther’s car breaks down after he fights a bat. This leads him to the Titty Twister, where he gets a ride from bartender Razor Eddie (Danny Trejo). Soon, he and the bat — Victor (Joe Virzi) — turn Luther into a vampire.

Luther comes after Jesus, who has just finished making love to Lupe (Maria Checa). He turns her and she attacks Jesus, who cuts her head off and dives out a window. Luther gets turned and Buck doesn’t know as they head off to complete a robbery. By the time of the actual break-in, everyone but Buck has become undead and forces him to work with the police, who are commanded by Ranger Otis Lawson (Bo Hopkins) and Ranger Edgar McGraw (James Parks, who played the same role, sort of, in Kill Bill: Volume 1, Kill Bill: Volume 2, Death Proof and Machete).

The fun part of this is when the cops try to stop the vampires, an eclipse happens which empowers the vampires to kill just about everyone.

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money and From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter were produced at the same time with Quentin Tarantino, Lawrence Bender and Scott Spiegel making this sequel and Robert Rodríguez and his cousin Álvaro Rodríguez making a prequel.

Tarantino and director Scott Spiegel met with Bob Weinstein — whom Spiegel worked with on a script for Halloween 6 — and Weinstein suggested that Spiegel direct this movie. Spiegel also directed Intruder and Hostel 3.

Unlike the original From Dusk Till Dawn, this is more about the gore effects than subverting what you expect. It was Miramax testing to see if they could make direct to video sequels — of course, they did — after The Prophecy II. It’s alright, but your expectations are probably as high as mine were.

April 7: Jackie Day — Celebrate Jackie Chan’s birthday!

A Hong Kong and American co-production, The Big Brawl was directed by the same man who made Enter the Dragon, Robert Clouse, along with a lot of the same crew. It was Jackie Chan’s first movie to try and make him a star in America, which would be followed by a smaller role in Cannonball Run and another movie that did even worse, The Protector, with Jackie not coming back for nearly ten years until Rumble In the Bronx.

Jerry Kwan (Chan) lives a quiet life in Chicago with his girlfriend Nancy (Kristine DeBell, who was in the erotic musical Alice In Wonderland and Meatballs). He protects his family’s business with the fighting skills he learned from his uncle Herbert (Mako), which gets mob leader Dominici (José Ferrer) interested in having Jerry fight his best brawler, Billy Kiss (H.B. Haggerty, a former pro wrestler), whose finishing move is a bearhug after he kisses his opponent.

After the bad guys kidnap his brother’s girlfriend, Jerry, Herbert and Nancy travel to Battle Creek where he fights a literal army of people, including Stroke (“Judo” Gene LeBell, the coach of Rhonda Rousey and the policeman for the LaBell wrestling territory; his name is where Bryan Danielson got the name the LaBell Lock from), Iron Head Johnson (Sonny Barnes, who is also in Golden Needles and Force: Five), Atashi (pro wrestler Phil Mercado), Spear (martial artist Donnie Williams), Jamaican (Earl Maynard) and unnamed fighters played by pro wrestlers Ox Baker (who fought Kurt Russell in Escape from New York) and Jeep Swenson (Bane from Batman and Robin). One of teh fight judges is Larry Drake from Darkman.

Speaking of wrestling, Lenny Montana is in this. He’s best known as Luca Brasi from The Godfather, but was a pro wrestler as Zebra Kid and as Lenny Montana. As his wrestling career slowed, he was trying to get into films as well as working for the Colombo crime family as an bodyguard, enforcer and an arsonist. During filming of The Godfather, he explained that he would tie a tampon to the tail of a mouse, dip it in kerosene, light it and let the mouse run through a building. This is where I remind you that Italian-Americans are not criminals and there is no such organization as the Mafia. His last role was in the Frankie Avalon slasher Blood Song, which he co-wrote.

To help Jackie break in America, producers surrounded him with American actors. This was strange for him, as his lack of English language skill and knowing cultural ways caused him to have no chemistry with them. Chan was in a self-imposed exile, due to a dispute with director Lo Wei, who was purported to have Triad connections. He threatened Jackie his contract which was resolved with the help of Jimmy Wang Yu, which is why Chan is in Fantasy Mission Force.

The big brawl that closes the movie has more than twenty fighters and over a thousand extras. There’s also a roller derby scene, which I was totally down with. It’s way better than I thought it would be, even if it’s so sedate by what you expect from a Jackie Chan movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

April 6: Until You Call on the Dark — Pick a movie from the approved movies list of the Church of Satan. Here’s the list.

When Robert Altman left Hollywood, he directed a stage play and this movie version of Ed Graczyk’s play, which all takes place within a Woolworth’s five-and-dime store in McCarthy, Texas, as the Disciples of James Dean meet for the first time in twenty years. The store is close to Marfa, Texas, where Dean filmed Giant. The manager of the store, Juanita (Sudie Bond), welcomes Sissy (Cher in her first dramatic role), who has also been working at a truck stop, the first of the girls to arrive.

The others are Mona (Sandy Dennis), Stella Mae (Kathy Bates), Edna Louise (Marta Heflin) and Joanne (Karen Black), who — spoiler warning — used to be Joseph Qualley (Mark Patton, in his first movie, made a few years prior to A Nightmare On Elm Street 2), the only guy in the fan club.

A lot has happened in the last few years. like Mona claiming that she had a baby — we never see her son, who she believes is trapped as a child in a man’s body even if Sissy thinks otherwise — with Dean as she tried to be in the movie. Of course — another spoiler — it was with Joe and she’s upset now that Joe has become Joanne, which is a tremendously big thing today much less in 1982.

The girls all used to sing “Sincerely” by the McGuire Sisters and sing it one more time before we see the store closed, faded away, as all things do. This ending destroyed me, as the girls said they would meet again in twenty years, in the same spot, but the same place no longer exists.

This played a small theatrical series of dates at four theaters before airing on Showtime.

Critics didn’t like how the mirrors showed the past but I feel that it works well. Despite those mixed returns, Pauline Kael said, “When Robert Altman gives a project everything he’s got, his skills are such that he can make poetry out of fake poetry and magic out of fake magic.”

How is this film Satanic? According to the Church of Satan film list, “Some of the Satanic points in this wonderful film include touching upon the Satanic Sins of Pretentiousness, Self-Deceit, Herd Conformity, and Lack of Perspective. And the acceptance of all forms of human sexual expression between consenting adults.”

It’s also an exploration of how women must suppress their emotions, personalities and sexuality to be part of the male-dominated world instead of giving in to their true carnal nature. It’s also about the power of myth and how movie stars can transcend our reality.

It’s writer, Ed Graczyk, said of his play “Jimmy Dean can only be described as the result of my own observations and frustrations with progress that ignores a past; the lack of personalization and pride and the recurring need of people to build facades to conceal the truths of their lives. It is the facade that makes abnormal people seem normal and the sad people seem happy, a personal observation which I feel makes the people I write about colorful, theatrical, but most of all, honest. The inspiration for Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean came many years ago during my five-year association with the Midland Community Theatre in west Texas. While I was there I had the opportunity to visit Marfa, the site used by Warner Bros. in filming Giant. The only remaining evidence of the film was the facade of the mansion Reata used to film the on location scenes, now crumbling and supported by six telephone poles. It was the memory of that site, the pace of the people and the vivid recollection of the idol James Dean on the youth of the period that resulted in the writing of this play.”

I’m struck by the love that the girls have for one another despite all of the pain between them. Yet you feel as if they could murder one another at nearly any second.

April 4: Repeats Again? — Write about a movie that is based on a TV series.

The Phil Silvers Show, originally titled You’ll Never Get Rich, is a sitcom which ran on CBS from 1955 to 1959 but is better known as Sgt. Bilko. It started Phil Silvers as Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko, who runs a series of scams at Fort Baxter to make money instead of doing his job. Most of the first two seasons were written by creator Nat Hiken and Neil Simon was one of the writers in later seasons. DC Comics also published a Sergeant Bilko comic book which lasted 18 issues and a Sergeant Bilko’s Private Doberman series that lasted 11 issues.

Jonathan Lynn created the TV show Yes, Minister and directed Clue, Nuns on the Run, My Cousin Vinny and The Whole Nine Yards, so he knew comedy. Andy Breckman worked on Late Night With David Letterman and Saturday Night Live, as well as writing the movies Rat Race and Arthur 2: On the Rocks before creating the TV show Monk.

So with talent like that and Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd and Phil Hartman in the cast, this movie should have been a success. It wasn’t, losing around a million dollars. It also won Worst Resurrection of a TV Show at the 1996 Stinkers Bad Movie Awards.

But you know, for a film that was critically savaged when it came out, I couldn’t help but enjoy it. Sure, Martin is a long way from his best work in this and so much further from his stand up, but you know, if you like Steve Martin, it works. As far as I’m concerned, Aykroyd and Hartman are the two best Saturday Night Live cast members ever, so I’ll watch anything they do. And I love old TV being repurposed.

Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko (Martin) is in charge of the motor pool at Fort Baxter, serving under Colonel John Hall (Aykroyd), who is more concerned with developing a hover tank than Bilko and his men’s money plans until Major Colin Thorn (Hartman) threatens everything by inspecting the base and even trying to steal Bilko’s long suffering girlfriend Rita (Glenne Headly, who teamed with Martin before in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels).

You also get new recruit  Pfc. Walter “Wally” T. Holbrook (Daryl Mitchell), Spc. Dino Paparelli (Max Casella), Spc. Tony Morales (Dan Ferro), Spc. Luis Clemente (John Ortiz), Sgt. Raquel Barbella (Pamela Segall, the voice of Bobby Hill), Pfc. Mickey Zimmerman (Mitchell Whitfield) and 1st Lt. Monday (Phil Silvers’ daughter Catherine). Chris Rock briefly is in it as is Travis Tritt as Travis Tritt, which is the perfect role for Travis Tritt.

Somehow, this is the only movie that Aykroyd and Martin appear in together. What’s funny is that Phil Hartman loved to impersonate Paul Ford, the original Colonel John T. Hall on TV, and used the impression during his Saturday Night Live. Everyone thought he was too young looking to play Colonel Hall in the film.

My favorite laugh is the end credit: The filmmakers gratefully acknowledge the total lack of co-operation from the United States Army.

Maybe movies have gotten so much worse since 1996 — they have — but I really had fun with this. I laughed a few times and yes, it’s kind of silly, but that’s what a comedy should be.

April 3: Remake, Remix, Ripoff — A shameless remake, remix or ripoff of a much better known movie. Allow your writing to travel the world (we recommend Italy or Turkey).

The first Bollywood film to be completely shot in Los Angeles, Kaante combines The Usual Suspects with Reservoir Dogs and the inspiration of Tarantino’s movie, City On Fire, and becomes its own movie. Director and co-writer Sanjay Gupta said of the movie, “The whole world thinks Kaante is Reservoir Dogs. No, it isn’t. There are a few similarities in the second half of the film, but the genesis of Kaante was the Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri & Sons Jewellers robbery case, which was later made into the film Special 26. Till today, that’s unsolved. My idea was: ‘What if they were six boys from Dagdi Chawl, who conducted the most successful heist in the history of India, go back to Dagdi Chawl, which is suddenly surrounded by cops?”

Six Indian men living in America — all with a criminal record — are arrested by the police and interrogated about stealing laptops. Enraged at being profiled, they work to rob a bank where the LAPD paychecks come from.

They are Jay “Ajju” Trehan (Sanjay Dutt), Yashvardhan “Major” Rampal (Amitabh Bachchan), Marc Issak (Suniel Shetty), Andy (Kumar Gaurav), Bali (Mahesh Manjrekar) and Mak (Lucky Ali). After the bank robbery — during which they have an extended gunfight with a SWAT team — they go back to their secret hideaway. There, Bali goes all Mr. Blonde on a police officer and gets killed by Mak, who ends up being Mr. Orange.

So, yes, imagine Tarantino but add in a near 3 hour running time because, of course, Indian Hindi-language movies need music numbers.

Quentin himself said that this movie was his favorite of all the movies influenced by his work. “I think it was fabulous. Of the many rip-offs, I loved Hong Kong’s Too Many Ways To Be No.1 and this one, Kaante. The best part is, you have Indian guys coming to the U.S. and looting a U.S. bank. How cool is that! I was truly honoured. And these guys are played by the legends of Bollywood. Here I am, watching a film that I’ve directed and then it goes into each character’s background. And I’m like, “Whoa.” For, I always write backgrounds and stuff, and it always gets chopped off during the edit. And so I was amazed on seeing this. I felt, this isn’t Reservoir Dogs. But then it goes into the warehouse scene, and I am like, “Wow, it’s back to Reservoir Dogs.” Isn’t it amazing!”

Tarantino later screened Kaante at his New Beverly Cinema with Reservoir Dogs and City on Fire.

It is amazing as it shows so much more than its inspiration. There’s a lot that explains why the characters are getting involved in the robbery, such as Marc wanting to save his dancer girlfriend from a club owner, Major is trying to save the life of his terminally ill wife and Andy is trying to get custody of his son.

It also has so much influence from other American movies, as Gupta tried watching Reservoir Dogs but found it boring as he loved the movies of  Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. He didn’t want too much talking and instead, you get explosive battles. The arrest and interrogation scenes are very close to The Usual Suspects and the tip of the cap to that movie is that the main officer is named Detective MacQuarrie, a reference to screenwriter Christopher McQuarrie.

How realistic is the idea of this movie? Suniel Shetty, after going back to his hotel after working out, was taken by the police as they suspected he was a terrorist as this movie was filmed right after 9/11.

You can watch this on YouTube.