CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: The Wheel of Heaven (2023)

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This movie feels like it’s several films all colliding at once, so I feel like I should review it in the same way, taking the many times that I’ve seen parts of it and what I thought as it’s grown into a much larger film.

Blood of the Dinosaurs: Once, we went to a Mystery Spot and after we walked toward the center of the room, it kept pushing us into the walls and I was young and trying to hold my mother’s hand and it made me cry. Then, we all got on a train and it went through a forest and animatronic dinosaurs appeared and the driver told us to reach under our chairs for guns to kill the rampaging lizards and I yelled and ran up and down the length of the train begging for people to stop and that we needed to study the dinosaurs and not kill them. This was not a dream.

Another story. I was obsessed with dinosaurs and planned on studying them, combining my love of stories of dragons like the Lamprey Worm with real zoology, but then nine-year-old me learned that they were all dead and I had to face mortality at a very young age which meant I laid in bed and contemplated eternity all night and screamed and cried so much I puked. This is also a true story.

The Blood of DInosaurs has Uncle Bobbo (Vincent Stalba) and his assistant Purity (Stella Creel) explain how we got the oil in our cars that choke the planet but first, rubber dinosaurs being bombarded by fireworks and if you think the movie gets boring from here, you’re so wrong.

Can The Beverly Hillbillies become ecstatic religion? Should kids have sex education? Would the children like to learn about body horror and giallo? Is there a show within a show within an interview and which reality is real and why are none of them and all of them both the answer? Did a woman just give birth to the Antichrist on a PBS kids show?

When I read that he was influenced by the Unarius Cult, my brain climbs out of my nose and dances around before I slowly strain to open my mouth and beg for it to come back inside where it’s wet and safe.

The Wheel of Heaven (preview, watched in 2022): Badon describes this project as one in which Purity (Kali Russell) is dealing with her car breaks down on a dark empty street in the middle of the night when she has a chance encounter with a mysterious party host (Jeff Pearson) and his strange guests, which leaves her with an existential dilemma: break free of her meaningless existence or simply just succumb to it’s meaninglessness.It’s also his love letter to not only the classic Choose Your Own Adventure novels of the 80’s, but also Starcrash, The Color of Pomegranates, The Twilight Zone and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

You got me again, Joe.

Purity may also be Marge Corn and she may be locked in starship battles with Doctor Universe or maybe she’s just talking to ger grandmother or perhaps she’s being chased through a horror movie by her evil twin dressed like Santa. Or is it all a movie? Because there’s Joe, directing Marge as she sits on the set of a science fiction movie.

If you’re not paying attention, this is not the movie for you.

While this is just the first part of this four part miniseries, I’m already along for the ride. This is beyond well made and is strange not for the sake of it and without some bigger plan, but feels like being taken on a ride with no idea where you’re going to end up or even who you’re going to be when you get there. It may not be the journey everyone is ready to take, but I say unbuckle that seatbelt and get weird.

And now…

Purity (Kali Russell)  who finds The Wheel of Heaven in a second hand shop and finds herself part of the stories, or is she also becoming pulled into a public access channel? Or is this a mixtape and we get to hear about it directly from its creator?

Is this Star Trek? Is this Twilight Zone? Is Purity also Marge? Is Marge Purity? Who is real? Are the characters really watching me?

Leave it to the IMDB trivia section to sum it all up. “It’s a feature film that has a mini-series inside of it. And that mini-series is inside of a fake public access channel complete with credits and fake commercials between each chapter. All the while, the audience is also watching the behind-the-scenes footage on the making of the film.”

I wouldn’t be more surprised by Badon’s films if he showed up with a camera right now in my house.

 

CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: Video Vision (2024)

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When an old VCR mysteriously shows up at digitizing facility Video Vision, Kibby (Andrea Figliomeni) starts to be affected by it. She’s also in love with a trans man named Gator (Chrystal Peterson) who brought in old VHS tapes of her father’s band destroying computers. But in spite of this new relationship, her body is changing in supernatural and dangerous ways because of this smelly ancient VHS. That’s because Kibby has unlocked the dark dimension of Dr. Analog.

Directed and written by Michael Turney — who played Danny Pennington in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — this movie has characters to fall in love with, like Video Vision owner Rodney (Shelley Valfer), as well as Kibby and Gator. Their relationship feels authentic and there’s an intriguing hook about the way that we move from format to format in the same way that people can transform their bodies based on their true sexuality. In the same way that people wonder why those spend money on physical media when streaming exists, Kibby wonders if she can be with someone whose genitals may not match her needs. She’s lucky that Gator is understanding and patient. And that’s before she starts transforming herself into some analog video cassette monster. Or, as Gator says, “I’ve accepted that I’m male, maybe you should accept the fact that you’re turning into an obsolete entertainment device, all I know is that you’re making my dysmorphia feel normal.”

The social commentary may be a bit ham fisted and look, there’s no way that this is going to make everyone happy. A science fiction film is not the best way to navigate trans relationships or how we see them. Is the movie entertaining? Sure. And as a CIS male, I have no idea how off it is or if I should be offended. More clued in people will tell me that. I liked the ideas in this and isn’t it strange that all these years after Videodrome, we’re still hailing the new flesh?

Chattanooga Film Festival 2024: CFF Salutes Your Shorts! (TN and Student Filmmakers)

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Our festival has grown in ways we never anticipated over the last eleven years and has been blessed with honors from The 25 Coolest Film Festivals in the World to our recent (and surreal AF) write-up in Money Magazine. But no matter how much we grow or how far we go, we’ll always make a place in our lineup for a selection of some of the best local and upcoming talent that’s crossed our desks that year. This year’s Salutes Your Shorts showcase features incredible student works and a selection of killer talent from right here in our backyard. As always, we’re grateful for the support of the TN Entertainment Commission, who’ve been working with us to present this block since the first year of our festival.

Analog Exorcism (2023): When three friends accidentally awaken a ghost that haunts a VHS tape, one of them becomes possessed. How can the others save their friend? Director Jim Shashaty, this reminds me of how I keep telling my wife that when I die, I’m going to put my spirit into my Jess Franco blu rays and if she wants to see me again, she has to watch the absolute filthiest in cinema. I think that’s romance. This was fun but also makes me wonder if my beta of House On the Edge of the Park has a spook inside it.

A Portrait of Elizabeth (2023): Grace (Mary Beth Gray, who wrote this with directed Corey Simpson) is trying to deal with her grief by painting a portrait of her dead wife. Then, as you can imagine, strange things start to happen to her as she becomes haunted. Filled with gorgeous camerawork and practical effects, this shows how horror can help us deal with complex emotions.

Big Break (2023): Director Harrison Shook said of this film, “The conceptualizing and writing process began when I was a student in film school, and the project was born out of my tumultuous relationship with it. While moved away from studying film formally, the ideas swirling around my head at the time continued to linger and become intertwined with interests in philosophy and theology. I was interested in the intersections between these disciples and how cinema can be used as a means of exploring questions larger about the self, autonomy, and choice. And, at that time, I was REALLY interested in film not only as a vehicle, but an allegory itself. So, I sought out to make a meta-narrative student film about making a student film. It was an audacious and perhaps arrogant attempt, and while I’ve certainly grown in my beliefs about film, art, and their purpose since that time, Big Break serves as a reflection of the complex state it was born out of.” This film is about Peter, a frustrated young screenwriter who has to deal with how far he has to go to make his dreams come true. Sometimes, life has a way of asking you if those passions are worth it.

Dead Presidents (2023): With no plan and packing heat, stoner brothers Mark (Galen Howard) and Chris (Blake Sheldon) decide to rob a bank for some money. Directed and written by Ryan Lilienfield, this finds two men who may have seen Point Break too many times. Yet seeing a crime spree and being in the middle of one are two different things. Lucky for them, they’re in a film handled by a true talent. This looks and feels like the kind of caper that you want to spend hours and not minutes watching. We need more weed movies this good. Actually, we just need more movies this good. I can’t wait to see what Lilienfield does next.

Descension (2023): Riddled with guilt after the death of his mother (Andrea Pister), Gonzalo (Fernando Villegas) falls into a nightmare of his own making. Directed by Valery Garcia, whose Harmonious was a highlight of the Salute Your Shorts block at last year’s CFF, this was produced by Ryan Lilienfield, who made the aforementioned Dead Presidents. So much of modern horror is about dealing with loss through the genre and this takes that and runs with it. Really well shot and an intriguing premise. I also really liked how this has a great poster, which contributes to the feel of the film. The total package is something so many young filmmakers miss.

Hope Chest (2023): This was one of my favorite shorts that I saw at all of CFF. It starts with a class assignment: “An oral essay on your hopes and dreams for your future.” Eve starts her speech with this phrase: “I hope the FBI agent who finds my body is predisposed to sadness.” Directed and written by Dycee Wildman and Jennifer Bonior, this takes the dark inspirations of a moody teen and writes them large into the psyche of everyone that must sit and listen to them. Just a perfect short and so much fun.

Implications of the Bootstrap Paradox on Spatiotemporal Continuity (2023): Directed and written by Shaler Keenum, this has two theoretical physicists, Rose (Catherine Richard) and Bree (Aedin Waldorf), discussing a time-travel device and changing history. It’s pretty amazing that this is such a deep and involving treatise on time paradoxes — shout out to time travel consultant Abbie Young — and also such an emotional movie, yet one made on a budget short of time and cash. While we never see time become broken, we do feel it through the performances. An intriguing film that I loved to watch. An intriguing film that I loved to watch. I’d like to watch this again knowing what I know from the end of the film, as I think I may rank it even higher.

Kino Kopf (2023): Kino Kopf is the first of its kind. A sentient humanoid VHS camera, it was given life by its artist mother (Gowri Shaiva) and shown to the world by  fits greedy father (Mike Ackerman). For a short time, Kino Kopf spurs a technological revolution, but is soon forgotten and alone as new machines surpass it. Does Kino Kopf have a soul? Directed and written by Jack Cosgriff. this is as strange as that description, with wild visuals and a story with heart.

Out of Order (2023): What a gorgeous short! This parody of French new wave crime films follows a gangster through every step of his day, from the ordinary to the criminal. Directed by Catherine Mosier-Mills, this looks unlike anything else I’ve seen in some time. The director says that she based this on some of her favorite films, Jean-Pierre Melville’s Le Cercle Rouge and Le Samourai; and Claude Lelouch’s La Bonne Anne and Le Voyou. I love this statement that she uses to talk about how she got here: “When starting this project, my question was: what is this extraordinary, fascinating, rare Alain Delon, Jean-Louis Trintignant, or Yves Montand-type like when he’s not “on”? Or is he always “on”? How would he fare in the rather mundane requirements of everyday life? Is he indeed a compelling person, or just adept at finding great lighting to commit crimes? Having never been a stylish gangster myself, I worked backwards from the tropes to see what might be there.” Learn more at the director’s site.

Washed Up (2023): Mike (Brendon Cobia) is about to be a father and has decided to stop being a criminal. But his friend Aaron (Christopher Dietrick) has talked him into one last job. They’ll rob a car wash, a place where no one will be, and get away with it. Except things go wrong when the handles of the bags they’ve brought break and they can’t get the money out before the cops arrive. Mike soon has to make a decision: a new life or to give up on his friend. Directed by Thomas Bayne, who wrote this short with Connor Savage, this is such a well made short and a film I have thought about several times since I watched it.

You can watch so many of the films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. I’ll be be posting reviews and articles over the next few days, as well as updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Another Son of Sam (1977)

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Bleeding Skull’s Top 50 (July 7 – 13) The middle-brow champions of low-brow horror, Bleeding Skull has picked out some of their favorites from the SWV catalog. They neglected to put I Drink Your Blood or EEGAH! on the list, but I think I can forgive them since they included Ship of Monsters. 

Made in Charlotte, North Carolina by one and done director/writer/producer/editor/stunt coordinator/casting director Dave A. Adams, this movie isn’t even about David Berkowitz — or whoever was really the Son of Sam — much less a new version of this occult killer. No, instead, it’s about Harvey.

Who is Harvey, you may ask. Well, he’s a killer escaped from a mental hospital in a movie that has moments that seem to be Halloween a year before that even hit theaters. Don’t think that this has any Carpenter directorial highlights or moments of Dean Cundy-esque camera brilliance. The movie tends to pause for several seconds while dialogue just keeps running and the camera seems to be a window into the mind of someone tripping balls while the coolest synths ever play.

Speaking of music, the real star of this show is a lounge singer named Johnny Charro who still plays shows to this day. Oh yeah, there’s also SWAT officers in action, a stuffed dog who seemingly wants to take a shower with his owner and an abortion, because, well, I honestly have no idea why.

Harvey has been killing people because his mom assaulted him as a child. Why did the cops bring her out to try and talk him out of a hostage situation? Seriously, that’s some giallo-level police buffoonery.

You can get this movie on the AGFA blu ray for The Zodiac Killer or watch it on Tubi.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: The Body Shop (1972)

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Bleeding Skull’s Top 50 (July 7 – 13) The middle-brow champions of low-brow horror, Bleeding Skull has picked out some of their favorites from the SWV catalog. They neglected to put I Drink Your Blood or EEGAH! on the list, but I think I can forgive them since they included Ship of Monsters. 

J.G. Patterson Jr. — full name Jr Junius Gustavious Patterson — was only on our planet for 45 years, but in that time, the North Carolina native worked on She-Devils On Wheels, The Gruesome Twosome and Axe, as well as providing effects for Three On a Meathook and The Electric Chair. He was also an actor in movies such as Preacherman, Moonshine Mountain and Whiskey Mountain.

Yet it’s his vanity production — in the best sense of the word — The Body Shop that we’ll be talking about today. In addition to directing, writing and producing this movie, Patterson was also its lead, playing Dr. Brandon. He’s lost his wife in a car crash — shades of The Brain That Wouldn’t Die — so after setting her head ablaze, he decides to just remake her in a perfect body by killing women — again, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die — along with his hunchbacked assistant Greg (Roy Mehaffey).

Patterson got the most important part of being a horror star right. Just like Paul Naschy, he gets to make out with every pretty girl in this movie before killing them and getting to show off his skills at making over the top gore. He also repeatedly cuts to a country star — I use this word in the lowest wattage and I am also not about to refer to the stand up comedian — Bill Hicks, who keeps coming back to tell us that “A Heart Dies Every Minute.”

Hicks may be William T. Hicks, who was also in the Earl Ownsby-produced North Carolina-filmed classics A Day of Judgement, Death Screams and Order of the Black Eagle.

Now that the doctor has Anitra (Jenny Driggers), he wants to keep her away from every other man. He can also control her mind. But you know that women are always smarter than men, even if they are sewn together from the corpses of a model, a secretary and a few other pretty girls.

When this came out on VHS, it had Herschell Gordon Lewis introduce it and the name changed to Dr. Gore. In the credits, it also says that Patterson was America’s #1 magician, which seems like the kind of claim that can be verified. Also known as Shrieks in the Night, this movie is also evidence as to why Patterson died of metastatic malignant melanoma — his death certificate is linked on his IMDB page — because he’s lighting up in every scene, even when he’s in his lab. He also picks his nails with a scalpel, so there’s that.

A few of the ladies in the cast — Jenny Driggers and Jeannine Aber — are also in another North Carolina regional film, The Night of the Cat.

This was also called Anitra while it was being shot. I can tell you that because the clapboard is on screen for a good five seconds. But I loved this. It has 15 gallons of blood in it, which is enough for ten people.

Let me ask you: Does Poor Things have a soundtrack by William Girdler? Does it have the line, “Greg! Put on this lab coat, so they don’t know you’re a hunchback!” Does a cop give up the investigation because the doctor says, “I’m a doctor?” No, it doesn’t. This movie cost a fraction that can’t even be calculated of that Film Twitter darling’s budget and it doesn’t have Bill Hicks and The Reignbeaux singing in a steak house.

You can download this from the Internet Archive.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Escape from the Planet of the Apes was on the CBS Late Movie on September 6, 1977.

“Apes exist, Sequel required.”

With those words, sent in a telegram from producer Arthur P. Jacobs to writer Paul Dehn, a sequel was set in motion to Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

But hey — didn’t everyone die in a nuclear bomb blast at the end of that movie?

They sure did.

Doesn’t matter.

Dehn decided that Cornelius and Zira — along with an inventor ape named Milo — would go back in time with Taylor’s ship. He also consulted Pierre Boulle, writer of the original Planet of the Apes novel, to add more satire to the story. Originally titled Secret of the Planet of the Apes, the results are rather genius, as only three ape actors allowed for a smaller budget while selling director Don Taylor (Damien: The Omen II and The Final Countdown) on the idea of making the film more humorous.

Cornelius (Roddy McDowall), Zira (Kim Hunter) and Dr. Milo (Sal Mineo!) have escaped the ruin of future Earth and landed back in 1973, where they are taken to the Los Angeles Zoo, where Dr. Stephanie Branton (Natalie Trundy, the wife of producer Jacobs and the only actor to portray every single race in the Apes universe) and Dr. Lewis Dixon (Bradford Dillman!) are set to examine them.

In private, the apes elect to not to let the humans know that they can speak. They also can’t tell them that, you know, they once dissected humans and that everyone else died in the Ape War. But man, those humans act so condescending to Zira and she flips out and shows them just how smart she is. And then she starts talking. And then, well, a mishap allows a zoo gorilla to kill Dr. Milo. Luckily — and in spite of this — Lewis ends up friends with the chimpanzees.

Meanwhile, a Presidential Commission has been formed to investigate the return of Taylor’s spaceship and determine what these apes are all about. Cornelius and Zira become celebrities over night and everyone loves them.

That’s not sitting well with President’s Science Advisor Dr. Otto Hasslein (Eric Braeden, Titanic, Colossus: The Forbin Project), who discovers that Zira is with child and therefore fears for the future of humanity. He gets her drunk — dude, she’s pregnant! — and she reveals all, which means that now it’s time for the government to really interrogate them. After some truth syrum, Zira reveals that yes, she has dissected humans before and yes, she knew Taylor before he died.

Hasslein takes his findings to the President (William Windom), who must agree with the council that Zira’s pregnancy is to be aborted — guess he’s not a Right to Lifer — and that they must both be sterilized. After his child is called a little monkey by an orderly, Cornelius goes wild and accidentally kills the man before they escape.

Branton and Dixon help the apes to escape, where they hid out in the circus run by Senor Armando (Ricardo Montalban!), where an ape named Heloise has just given birth. Zira also gives birth to a son, whom she names Milo in honor of their deceased friend.

Hasslein is more animal than the apes, tracking them to a shipyard. The couple do not want to be taken alive, which suits him just fine. He fires numerous shots into Zira and her baby to the horror of all watching. Cornelius kills him in retaliation before being shot by a sniper. The couple crawl toward each other, touching one another one more time before dying.

Meanwhile, at Armando’s circus, we learn that Zira switched children with Heloise and Milo has survived. As the ringmaster walks away, we hear his first words as he cries for his mother.

Somehow, each Apes film tops the previous one for total downer endings.

It could have been worse — Cornelius and Zira were originally going to be ripped apart by a pack of Doberman Pinschers!

James Bacon shows up here — the only actor to be in all five of the Apes films. He also would go on to write numerous books about Hollywood, including the Jackie Gleason biography How Sweet It Is: The Jackie Gleason Story. This is the only movie in the series where he plays a human being.

Detroit TV announcer — he was mostly on WXYZ-TV  — Bill Bonds plays a TV newsman. John Randolph plays a councilman, a role he’d also play in the next film, and he’s in another monkey movie, the 1976 remake of King Kong. M. Emmet Walsh also makes an appearance. And Albert Salmi, who is in Superstition, is here as well.

Sal Mineo found the makeup process very uncomfortable and tiring. Kim Hunter would later say that she and Roddy McDowall had to hug Mineo a lot to console him. He had hoped that this movie would restart his career, as it did McDowall’s, but due to how much he hated the make-up, he was killed off earlier than originally planned. Escape from the Planet of the Apes would be Mineo’s final theatrical film before he was murdered on February 12, 1976 at the age of 37.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: The Survivor (1981)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Survivor was on the CBS Late Movie on July 4, 1988.

This is not the 1987 film The Survivor or the 1984 movie Sole Survivor, which is also about an airplane crash with one survivor. It is also not Final Destination, despite Frank Herbert writing the book that inspired this in 1976. He also wrote a lot of books about mutant rats and sadly, only one movie was made from that series, Deadly Eyes, which had dachshunds in fur suits. His books Fluke, Haunted and The Unholy have all been made into movies.

Pilot David Keller (Robert Powell, Harlequin) is the only survivor of the crash of a Boeing 747-200 and he feels responsible for the loss of 300 passengers. He can’t remember the accident but starts having visions that lead him to believe that the crash was no accident. There’s also the matter of little girl ghosts stalked the paparazzi who trail Keller, killing one of them after revealing a scarred face. When his girlfriend tries to develop the photos, another ghost kills her with a papercutter.

After going to a vigil — and being screamed at — Keller meets a psychic named Hobbs (Jenny Agutter). She reveals that she has the same visions and they are overtaken by the emotions they both are possessed by and begin to fight one another.

Working with a priest (Joseph Cotten in his last role), the two learn that the killer was a fellow pilot, Slater (Ralph Cotterill). He saw the people on the plane as just collateral damage to ruin Keller. As they fight, a flaming airplane sets them ablaze and Keller barely walks out, burned up and dying. When crews continue to drag away the parts of the plane, they find his dead body. Was he always there?

Brian Trenchard-Smith cut the Milan Film Market trailer for this, shooting his own footage of Agutter before she even started making this movie. He also directed the trailer that sold the movie to audiences.

When interviewed by David J. Howe, Herbert said of his movies, ““I had nothing to do with those two films. I heard after the event that The Rats had been sold to Golden Harvest who did all those Bruce Lee Kung-Fu films. I sent a note to David Hemmings when I heard he was directing The Survivor to offer my assistance if he wanted it – I didn’t get a reply. I’ve seen them. They’re terrible … absolute rubbish. I can only say don’t blame me.”

That’s right. This was directed by Deep Red star David Hemmings. It was written by David Ambrose, who created the British TV movie and conspiracy nexus point Alternative 3, as well as The Final Countdown, Amityville 3-D, D.A.R.Y.L. and Blackout.

Sadly, Australia’s Actor’s Equity were upset that there were so many overseas cast members and refused to allow Susan George and Samatha Eggar to be in this movie. We nearly got the stars of Tintorera and Demonoid in the same movie?

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: Necromancy (1972)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Necromancy was on the CBS Late Movie on January 6 and June 23, 1977.

If you go to a town named Lilith to live, you should not be surprised that the town is run by devil worshippers. If Orson Welles comes to you in a robe and his name is Mr. Cato, you should not be shocked to learn that he wants to use you to raise his son from the grave. What is surprising is that for a movie promising rituals and raising the dead, Necromancy isn’t all that exciting.

Directed by Bert I. Gordon (War of the Colossal Beast, Picture Mommy Dead), the master of rear projection, this film is all about Lori Brandon (Pamela Franklin, The Legend of Hell House, And Soon the Darkness), a woman who has recently lost a child. She moves with her husband, Richard (Michael Ontkean, Sheriff Harry S. Truman from Twin Peaks) to the aforementioned town of Lilith to start over again.

On the way there, they get in an accident and kill a woman, but it’s totally glossed over because this is 1972. Life was cheap. At least Lori gets a baby doll out of this accident.

There used to be a sign in my hometown that said, “What Ellwood City makes, makes Ellwood City.” The town of Lilith makes one thing: the world’s finest occult paraphernalia. There’s one great scene here with Lori sees her image inside a tarot card, a really evocative scene thrown away in a film that is otherwise less than memorable.

If you’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby, you know exactly how this is all gonna turn out. If you are the star of a 1970’s horror movie — especially if you are Donald Sutherland — expect to die. Horribly.

Much like the devil, Necromancy goes by many names, such as The Witching, A Life for a Life, Horror-Attack, Rosemary’s Disciples and The Toy Factory. When Paragon Video re-released it on VHS in 1982, they chopped out tons of story and dialogue to insert scenes of nude witches like Brinke Stevens and even more Satanic rituals.

As much as I love Orson Welles — we’ll have a whole month of his films at some point, I’m certain — this is not his finest hour. He has some fine speeches, but the material is Mrs. Paul’s level. Beneath him.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: Bogie (1980)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Bogie was on the CBS Late Movie on August 20, 1982.

I have a big weakness for made for TV biopics, often because they’re rarely good and yet that keeps me coming back to them. The blame lies at the feet of the multiple tabloids my grandmother subscribed to as I learned about Liz’s sad last days, Liberace and Rock Hudson’s watermelon diet and who was beating who, who was doing drugs and who was getting surgery.

Based on Joe Hyams’ 1966 novel, Bogie: The Biography of Humphrey Bogart, this stars Kevin O’Connor as Humphrey Bogart, who was my father’s favorite actor. O’Connor has an interesting list of credits, like playing Irijah in The Passover Plot and Woody in Let’s Scare Jessica to Death.

In the roles of the two loves of his life are Ann Wedgeworth (Aunt Fern from Steel Magnolias) as Mayo Methot and Kathryn Harrold (Raw Deal) as Lauren Bacall.

Director Vincent Sherman made The Return of Dr. X, All Through the Night, Crime School, Across the Pacific and King of the Underworld with Bogie and writer Daniel Taradash wrote Knock on Any Door, so they knew that man. It’s hard to say if this was right, because it seems like it tries to get in so much in such a short time. The transitions where it shows Bogart in his many roles seem like something out of pictures you would get in a Wild West saloon at a theme park. Nothing feels authentic. Much of the film is O’Connor mugging for the camera and trying to get his face to look like the star.

You can spot a young Drew Barrymore as Bogie’s daughter Leslie.

When asked about the movie, his widow Lauren Bacall said, It’s a bunch of crap, and there’s no way to stop it. It’s a crock, unadulterated garbage, and it’s untrue. They’re just going to use him. Jesus, there’s no creativity left in the world. People will do anything for money. Anything.”

Oddly enough, both Bogart and O’Connor died from cancer.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: The Child (1977)

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We first encountered The Child at a Halloween party thrown at the palatial Mexican War Streets home of Mr. Groovy Doom himself, Bill Van Ryn. While some folks drank in the kitchen or enjoyed the mix of Goblin and My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult blasting in the sitting room, I was entranced by a film that was playing on the TV. The sound wasn’t turned up, the images all felt like transmissions from beyond and nothing really added up in the movie. “What the hell is this,” I asked. “Oh, The Child!” exclaimed Bill, hurriedly running in to try and explain why he was growing more and more obsessed with multiple rewatches of the film.

Sometime in the 1930’s — which you’d only know from the old cars, as this film feels like an anachronism lost in no particular time — Alicianne has been hired to be the caretaker for Rosalie Nordon, the titular child, who has just lost her mother. Along with her father and brother Len, she lives in a house on the edge of the woods.

Even the trip to the house is strange, with Alicianne’s car breaking down after she drives it into a ditch. A journey through the woods brings her to Mrs. Whitfield, who warns her about the Nordon family. She probably should have listened, as everyone in this family — hell, everyone in this movie — is touched, as they say.

When Alicianne first meets Rosalie, he jack in the box suddenly moves by itself. It’s a very subtle scene that hints that things might not be right here. After all, people have seen Rosalie wandering the cemetery late at night, a place where she brings kittens so that her friends there will do anything she asks. And even dinner is strange, as her father relates a story of Boy Scouts eating a soup stirred with oleander that caused them all to die. Father and daughter have a good laugh at that while Len just seems embarrassed by his family.

Then there are the drawings — Rosalie has been sketching everyone who was at her mother’s funeral, marking them for death. And if she does have psychic abilities, is she using them to reanimate the dead or control them? Or do they just do whatever she wants? The Child wasn’t made to give you those answers. It just screams in your face and demands that you keep watching despite your ever-growing confusion.

Mrs. Whitfield’s dog is taken first, then that old busy body pays the price, with her face getting ripped off as the zombies mutilate her. That gardener has some of mommy’s jewelry, so he has to pay, too. And Alicianne, who was supposedly here just for Rosalie, has started to spend too much time with Len. She’s next on the list.

There are some really haunting scenes as we get closer to Halloween, like a scarecrow come to life and a jack-o-lantern that keeps relighting itself and following our heroine around the room.

Finally, Mr. Nordon starts to discipline his daughter, which leads to Rosalie unleashing all of her powers. She decimates her father, crashes Alicianne’s car and sends zombies to chase her governess and brother all the way to an old mill. Len tries to fight them while Alicianna just screams and screams, but he can’t stop them from dragging him under the building and tearing his face to bloody pieces. As the attack of the zombies stops, Rosalie walks through the door just as our heroine hits her with an axe. She walks outside into the dawn’s light and everything is still. The threat is over.

Written by Ralph Lucas as Kill and Go Hide, The Child isn’t a great movie, but it’s an interesting one. If you ask me, that’s way more important. Some people will get tied up in things like narrative cohesion, good acting and a soundtrack that makes sense. None of those people should watch The Child with you, as they’ll just ruin what can be an awesome experience. This is the kind of movie that takes over, kind of like one of those dreams you have and try to write down the moment you wake up, but it gets lost in the ether of reality. For most of the film, the zombies are barely glimpsed, just seen in the shadows, so they really could just be tramps that live in the cemetery. Or something much worse.

Producer Harry Novak acquired this film and made his money on it, even if director Robert Voskanian and producer Robert Dadashia saw no profit. It’s a story we’ve seen hundreds of times — an interesting movie taken, used and abused by conmen who have no interest in art.

Yet I wear a Harry Novak shirt all the time.

You can watch this on Tubi.