Two movies called Midnight Cabaret (1990 and 2012)

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Midnight Cabaret (1990): Directed and co-written by Pece Dingo, this movie has the kind of cast that I look for, which includes former member of Detective and MacGyver enemy Michael Des Barres and Thom Mathews (Tommy Jarvis!).

This is a musical, strange theatrical play, a Satanic movie, an erotic thriller and a giallo-adjacent — you know, the Italian movies where you have no idea what else to call them, so you say that they’re giallo — film all thrown into a shaker with ice, then covered with bongwater and grain alcohol.

It’s Euro-trash but made at home; like how tariffs will someday soon cause the finest in Euroscum movies to cost too much, except we can never make them at home this good. That said, this tries and often looks like an old music video while it’s throwing vampires with straight razors, a cult that wants to impregnate an actress with the Antichrist and moments that feel sexually ambiguous. It’s something. Whether that something is good is up to you.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Midnight Cabaret (2012): As I was looking for the former movie, I discovered this on YouTube and was so far into it before I realized it was a different movie that I just went with things.

Directed by Donna R. Clark, who wrote it with Peter C. Foster, this is the story of Adam (Brad Hilton), a young man struggling to find acceptance and definitely not getting help in his hometown, where he remembers being bullied at home and at school, his mother killing herself and his brother Todd (Jason Mac) going to prison. Now, he becomes inspired by a drag queen named Eve (Elexius Kelly) and becomes a performer at the Midnight Cabaret, finding a world of drugs, crime and who he is inside.

There’s something in this, a movie that feels trapped in digital video but wanting to break free. I don’t know who it’s for, as there are so many gay slurs that it may turn off those it needs to reach most. But otherwise, it wasn’t an unwelcome watch.

You can watch this on YouTube.

ARROW BLU RAY RELEASE: The Threat (1966)

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Misawa (Rentaro Mikuni) is a post-war success. He works at a big ad agency and lives in a massive home with his wife (Masumi Harukawa) and their son. But then, two criminals — Kawanishi (Ko Nishimura) and Sabu (Hideo Murota) — show up and want to bring him into their plan, as they have kidnapped the baby of cancer researcher Dr. Sakata (Ken Mitsuda).

Directed by Kinji Fukasaku, this film arrives decades before home invasion movies were supposedly invented. It also has Misawa be no hero, instead a man who deals with the attempted assault of his wife by doing the same to her later. He’s living on credit, giving his life over to the foreign enemy who dropped two nukes on his countrymen. Maybe he’s as much a criminal as the bad guys. He definitely has less of a code to live by.

Fukasaku Kinji would go on to make Yakuza Graveyard and more famously, Battles Without Honor and Humanity and Battle Royale. Oh yeah — he also directed Message from Space!

The Arrow Video Blu-ray release of The Threat — available for the first time outside of Japan — has extras including audio commentary by Japanese film expert Tom Mes; Warning Warning Danger Danger, a brand new 20-minute video appreciation by critic and Japanese film specialist Mark Schilling; the original theatrical trailer; an image gallery; a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Tony Stella; an illustrated collector’s booklet featuring writing on the film by Hayley Scanlon and a double-sided foldout poster featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Tony Stella. You can order it from MVD.

Tales from the Crypt S7 E3: A Slight Case of Murder (1996)

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Directed and written by Brian Helgeland (A Knight’s Tale, 976-EVIL), this Tales from the Crypt is about Sharon Bannister (Francesca Annis, the Widow of the Web in Krull), a mystery writer, who is accused by her ex-husband Larry (Christopher Cazenove, Edward from Three Men and a Little Lady) of sleeping with next door neighbor Mrs. Trask’s (Elizabeth Spriggs) son Joey (Patrick Barlow).

“It looks like Neptomb has just moved from Virghoul to late Capricorn, which would mean you should avoid any serious romantic enstranglements for awhile, at least until the end of the month when Mercury turns retrograde. Hmm. Something about your horrorscope isn’t making sense. Let me see your hand. Yes, interesting. I’m not much at bleeding palms, but your future seems rather cloudy. Kind of like the woman in tonight’s tale. She’s been contemplating her scar sign, too, in a nasty nugget I call “A Slight Case of Murder.””

This is another episode from the final British season, so many fans don’t enjoy these ones as much. Unlike the supernatural stories, this is a simple murder mystery.

It’s based on “A Slight Case of Murder!” from Vault of Horror #33, which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by George Evans. That story is insane, as it has a child inside the body of a cop being responsible for murders. You can read it inside the collection A Slight Case Of Murder and Other Stories.

.357 Magnum (1977)

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What if Nick Millard made a crime movie?

He did.

Agents Johnny Hightower (Marland Proctor) and Steve Barrett (James Whitworth) are after a bad guy played by Millard, but to be honest, this movie may claim to be an action film, but it’s in the world Millard, so it feels like you’ve taken the wrong pill that you found on the floor and also someone has injected you with a needle and you wake up in a bathtub filled with ice, minus some parts, and it feels good so you decide to soak.

Is there recycled footage from Criminally Insane? Does Crazy Fat Ethel Priscilla Alden appear? Does everyone have huge hair and an afro? Are there gun training scenes that go on forever? Does a random woman blow a vibrator for longer than you’d expect? Was it filmed inside Millard’s house?

Yes. To everything.

I don’t know if I would recommend this to anyone who hasn’t ingested some of Millard’s drugs before. They would hate it otherwise, and may hate it even if they have. It’s a different world, another place, a weird region of odd magic that can come from having a lunatic make a film.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Naked After Midnight (2014)

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Who was still making erotic thrillers after the internet was in everyone’s home?

Fred Olen Ray, that’s who.

Also known as After Midnight, this has Constance (Catherine Annette) learning her exotic dancing twin sister has been killed, which means she has to become a dancer herself to learn whodunnit. She gets the job easily, as Rikki (Tawny Kitaen) sees how hot she is and makes it happen. Rikki didn’t know, however, that Constance has been taken over by the personality of her dead sister and is getting revenge on the mean dancers and scummy men who ruined said sister’s life; only Dr. Sam (Richard Grieco) can figure this all out.

This is of the genre within a genre of erotic thrillers: strippers in danger. This is different than sex workers in peril.

The bar the girls dance at is called the Candy Cat. There’s a supernatural twist. Every woman in the case is naked except for Kitaen. If you expect anything other than straight-to-streaming — by way of straight-to-video — softcore, your expectations are beyond high. If you want to be entertained, it will do that. As for me, I would love for more of these movies to be made, so I have to support it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

APRIL MOVIE THON 4: Can I Do It…’Til I Need Glasses? (1977)

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April 30: Weird Wednesday — Write about a movie that played on a Weird Wednesday, as collected in the book Warped & Faded: Weird Wednesday and the Birth of the American Genre Film Archive. Here’s a list.

The sequel to If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!!, this makes me remember when HBO used to show burlesque, which was weird after porno chic, as it was all these old comedians telling the same jokes and girls barely getting naked yet at the same time, you could go see full penetration adult movies. But this film, well, it’s dirty joke after dirty joke with some minor nudity. It was re-released three years after it first dropped because Robin Williams happens to be in before he was a star. That said, he wasn’t in the 1977 version. They went and found the cut footage and put it back out, leading to a lawsuit.

Speaking of stars, L.A. billboard icon Angelyne, Ron Jeremy, Tallie Cochrane (AKA Viola Reeves, Kay Geddes, Grace Turlie, Talia Wright, Silver Fox and Chick Jones) and Uschi Digard all show up.

Director I. Robert Levy went from editing 70s TV to making these two movies, writing it with Mike Callie and Mike Price. There’s nothing like this today, just a total piece of junk with a great title, better poster and an audience that was looking for something, anything, in the days before cable adult films.

You can watch this on YouTube.

APRIL MOVIE THON 4: The Love Machine (1971)

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April 29: Screw the Medveds — Here’s a list of the movies that the Medveds had in their Golden Turkey Awards books. What do they know? Defend one of the movies they needlessly bashed.

A word from Roger Ebert: “John Phillip Law is pretty bored in The Love Machine. He plays an artifact only slightly more animated than the monoliths in 2001: A Space Odyssey and symbolizing a great deal less. He is surrounded by a galaxy (or perhaps gallery is the word) of Hollywood character actors who seem as desperate as he is, and the final effect is of Search for Tomorrow on downers.

My notion is that you’ve either got to handle this material all-out or avoid it. There’s nothing more disgusting than vulgarity done as if it were in good taste. It’s hypocritical and it’s dirty. When you give junk like this an expensive production, with two Dionne Warwick songs and only four glimpses of the sound boom, you’re missing the elementary kind of vitality it could have had.”

Jacqueline Susann received $1.5 million for this movie and had hoped that Brian Kelly would be the lead. He was hurt before filming started, so John Phillip Law is in this, wearing clothes made for Kelly, which explains why they look strange on him. He plays Robin Stone, a newsman in New York City who wants to make it on Gregory Austin’s (Robert Ryan) IBC Network. This puts him in a TV war with Danton Miller (Jackie Cooper) and on the side of Austin, but also wanting the man’s wife Judith (Dyan Cannon). And can you blame him? 1971 Dyan Cannon? Is there anything better in all the universes?

To undermine the newscast with Robin hosting being on prime time, Dan hires Christie Lane (Shecky Greene) to appeal to the viewers who are the lowest common denominator. There’s also Jerry Nelson (David Hemings) working behind the scenes, getting Robin’s girlfriend Amanda (Jodi Wexler) hired, but she soon catches him in bed with someone else and ends up in Christie Lane’s bed.

Oh, the soap opera of this! Robin and Judith sleep together just as her husband has a heart attack, Robin blows off Amanda so many times that she kills herself, and he beats a prostitute to death when she claims that he’s gay. And maybe he is, as Jerry cleans it all up if Robin wears a slave bracelet saying that he’s owned by the fixer. Judith later finds this and gets into a fight against Jerry and gay actor Alfie Night (Clinton Greyn), but she’s saved by Robin, who ruins his own career to save her reputation.

Director Jack Haley Jr. directed awards shows and That’s Entertainment!, which may give you a hint that this is non-stop craziness. It was written by Samuel A. Taylor, who has many better films on his IMDB, such as Sabrina and Vertigo.

Robin Stone was based on MGM executive James T. Aubrey, who worked hard to gain power and then ultimately destroyed the studio. But for me, the main reason to watch this was that it has Cannon, Anitra Ford, Claudia Jennings and the Collinson twins in it.

There are also not one, but two Dionne Warwick songs. They’re both so sugary that you may go into a coma listening. There is no taste in this movie, and that’s how I want it. Just 1970s cringe in every turn. Magic.

You can watch this on Tubi.

APRIL MOVIE THON 4: Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

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April 28: Nightmare USA — Celebrate Stephen Thrower’s book by picking a movie from it. Here’s all of them in a list.

Directed and written by Nathan Schiff when he was just 16 — following it with The Long Island Cannibal Massacre and They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore — this is the best home movie you’ve ever seen, if the home movie had giant weasels in it.

What is it with those trips to space? This time, instead of a Jupiter probe, an errant NASA spacecraft on the way back from Venus transforms a rabid weasel into a giant that lives to kill.

Named for a Mothers of Invention album, this goes even further, as Dr. Sendam uses the weasel to kill his enemies while studying its regenerative blood. Also: Everyone has a mustache.

Also also: weasel men are made, I Drink Your Blood style, by injecting people with tainted rabies blood.

$400, high schoolers, making it their way with puppets and model kits. What else could you need? This moves fast, is pretty dumb in the best of ways and has giant weasels eating human beings and an ending that had to be stolen from My Brother Has Bad Dreams with a shark that came out of a garbage can.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Murder, She Wrote S1 E12: Murder to a Jazz Beat (1985)

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A trip to New Orleans gets off to an eventful start when the leader of a popular jazz band is poisoned during a performance.

Season 1, Episode 12: Murder to a Jazz Beat (February 3, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…

Jessica comes to New Orleans to promote a book and her appearance is just before the death of jazz musician Ben Coleman (Glynn Turman).

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Glynn Turman, the victim, was in Gremlins, Super 8, John Dies at the End and many more. He’s also in two more episodes of the show.

Callie Coleman, wife of the deceased, is Olivia Cole, who was in Roots and two other episodes of Murder, She Wrote.

The lawman in this, Det. Lt. Simeon Kershaw, is Bradford Dillman. And what hasn’t he been in? Here are a few of his best films: Guyana Cult of the Damned, Piranha, The Swarm, The Lincoln Conspiracy, Bug, Moon of the Wolf and so many more. He was also in seven more episodes of this show.

Eubie Sherwin is George Kirby.

Dr. Aaron Kramer is Cameron Mitchell and man, I don’t have enough space to list every great role he did, but let’s go with Blood and Black Lace, The Toolbox Murders and The Demon.

Cab driver Lafayette Duquesne is played by original Saturday Night Live cast member Garrett Morris.

Carl Turnball is Ed Nelson, who was in 193 roles and did effects for Attack of the Crab Monsters.

Jonathan Hawley is Clive Revill, the original voice of The Emperor in Empire Strikes Back.

Eddie Walter is Stan Shaw, Detective Sapir from Monster Squad.

Jimmy Firth is Bobby Sherman, who hosted the show Shindig!

Hec Tattersal is David Whitfield, who was in Hot Resort.

In the smaller roles, Doctor Alan Collyer is Michael Canavan, Lisa is Elaine Hobson, Robert Clarke (The Hideous Sun Demon, Man from Planet X) plays an actor, Jackie Joseph (the original Audry in Little Shop of Horrors) is an actress, Mario Machado (all three RoboCop movies)is a TV announcer, Wally K. Berns (the writer of Speak of the Devil) is a proprieter, Bruce Marchiano is an assistant director and there are uncredited roles for John Arndt, Joey Banks, Michael J. Grayson, Paul Le Clair, Eric Mansker and Sam Nickens.

What happens?

Jessica has screwed up her calendar and is two days off as she heads to New Orleans to talk about her new book. Both cab driver Lafayette Duquesne and talk show host Jonathan Hawley offer to take her out on the town; she chooses the older white man.

Their date takes them to a jazz bar, where Ben Coleman is about to play. This is the Murder, She Wrote trick where the victim is the worst individual ever — he’s moving to Vegas without his band, he abuses his assistant Eddie, he’s cheating on his wife Callie with Lisa and he’s a jerk to anyone else.

Ben plays a clarinet on stage and dies. Jessica is in the audience. She is the Angel of Death. Thanks to her book Murder on the Amazon, she knows that he’s been poisoned. Everyone wanted him dead. But who would actually do it?

Jessica tries to explain the poison to Lt. Kershaw and he’s one of those TV lawmen that want no help at all. Sure, he later apologizes, but he’s always seen the jazz star as a criminal, as he arrested him and his brother years ago.

Who did it?

Ben was trying to kill his wife with poison, but Eddie saved her and killed Ben, who wanted to be free but his wife Callie was his alibi for the case that Lt. Kershaw arrested him for all those years ago.

Who made it?

This is another episode directed by Walter Grauman.

It was written by Paul Savage (who wrote six other episodes of this show, as well as 110 of Gunsmoke) and David Abramowitz.

This was set in New Orleans but no actual filming took place there.

Does Jessica get some?

No. She was on her way and someone got killed.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

No.

Was it any good?

Yes and it’s an dark episode with a sad ending.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Lafayette Duquesne: Where to first?

Jessica Fletcher: Oh, the St. Charles Cemetery, please.

Lafayette Duquesne: Ma’am, with all of the beautiful places in New Orleans? Ma’am, that place is dead.

What’s next?

When Jessica’s recently widowed niece takes a cruise to get away from it all, a would-be murderer follows her.