Despiser coming from Visual Vengeance!

After losing his job and his wife, Gordon crashes his car and lands in purgatory, where he’s attacked by fanatics and enslaved souls. He’s soon saved by a quirky band of freedom fighters from different historical eras, all of whom died in noble sacrifice. Reluctantly joining their cause, Gordon embarks on a wild adventure through surreal, hellish landscapes to battle the Despiser, the malevolent ruler of the realm. Facing shifting realities, monstrous creatures, and intense car chases over lava oceans, their journey leads to the ultimate showdown to save all of humanity.

Phillips Cook’s quirky, non-stop menagerie of machine gun battles, early CGI masterwork and endless array of monsters make it one of the most unique direct to video features of the VHS and early DVD era. Cook painstakingly crafts a green screen netherworld steeped in brutal violence, religious mythology and action movie tropes, all filtered through a dream-like, hallucinogenic lens that never once takes its foot off the gas.

Bonus features for Despiser include:

  • Producer-supervised SD master from original tape source
  • Commentary with director Philip J. Cook and stars Mark Redfield and Gage Sheridan
  • New 2023 Interview with director Philip J. Cook and star Mark Hyde
  • Commentary with Sam Panico of B&S About Movies — Hey! That’s me! — and Bill Van Ryn of Drive-In Asylum
  • The Making of Despiser
  • Deleted Scenes
  • Blooper Reel
  • Outtakes Reel
  • Despiser: Storyboard To Animation
  • Original DVD Menu Animated Intro
  • Behind The Scenes Gallery
  • Image and Art Gallery
  • Despiser Trailers
  • Visual Vengeance Trailer
  • Outerworld Trailer
  • Invader Trailer
  • Optional French audio soundtrack
  • Optional English Subtitles
  • Folded mini-poster
  • “Stick your own” VHS sticker sheet
  • 2-Sided Insert
  • Reversible Sleeve With Original VHS Art
  • Limited Edition Slipcase – FIRST PRESSING ONLY

You can preorder this now from Diabolik DVD!

Kung-Fu Rascals coming from Visual Vengeance!

When their village is threatened by an ancient dark lord known as The Bamboo Man, a master thief and his two sidekicks steal a map and set off on a quest to find the only superpower in the land big enough to save their home and rid the world of evil. But these Rascals will have to kick, punch and fart their way through every ninja, monster and mutant in sight before they can restore peace.

A frantic, eccentric and loving homage to Asian cinema in all its forms, Kung Fu Rascals is part old school chop socky movie, Kaiju flick and Power Rangers episode rolled into one. The directorial debut from legendary Hollywood special effects artist Steve Wang (The Monster Squad, Predator, The Guyver, Drive), this Super 8 epic showcases both his monster make-up mastery and sharp action movie sensibilities. The first time ever on Blu-ray, Kung Fu Rascals features hours of bonus features, including commentaries, rare BTS footage and a brand new feature-length documentary on the making of the film.

Bonus materials include:

  • Director-supervised SD master from original tape elements
  • The Making of Kung Fu Rascals: Brand New Feature Length Documentary
  • The Reunion of the Three Rascals
  • Commentary with director Steve Wang, Actor Johnnie Saiko, Actor Troy Firman, Composer & Actor Les Claypool III and Actor Ted Smith
  • Commentary with Kung Fu Rascals superfans Justin Decloux and Dylan Cheung
  • Steve Wang & Les Claypool III Meet Again
  • Chris Gore Interview: Distributing Kung Fu Rascals on VHS
  • Behind The Scenes Video Diaries
  • Original Kung Fu Rascals Super 8 Short Film
  • Steve Wang Short Film: Code 9
  • Complete Film Threat Video #6 BTS Article
  • Stills Gallery
  • Behind The Scenes Image Gallery
  • Visual Vengeance Trailer
  • “Stick Your Own: VHS Sticker Set
  • Reversible Sleeve Featuring Original VHS Art
  • Folded mini-poster
  • 2-sided insert with alternate art
  • Optional English subtitles
  • 12 page mini comic book – FIRST PRESSING ONLY
  • Limited Edition Slipcase by The Dude – FIRST PRESSING ONLY

You can preorder it now from Diabolik DVD!

YOR HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE COMIC!

In 1974, Argentinean master storytellers Ray Collins and Juan Zanotto created Henga el Cazador, known in the English-speaking world as Yor, the Hunter from the Future! An elegantly drawn pulp adventure on par with other classic barbarian stories, Yor’s comic book saga has much richer detail and backstory than the legendary cult film!

Antarctic Press is publishing four fully packed, 40-page volumes that introduce Yor’s world, where he battles dinosaurs and rescues his mate from a cult of barbaric Blue Men!

Editor and translator Steve Ross and cover artists Kelsey Shannon and Fred Perry have put together something amazing. You may know my love of Yor, so you have to understand just how exciting this is for me.

Ask your local comic book store to order it for you and check out the listing for the second issue in Previews.

Want to read more about this movie?

PATER NOSTER AND THE MISSION OF LIGHT TRAILER!

 

The eagerly awaited underground horror movie from Christopher Bickel, Pater Noster and the Mission of Light, enters its final stages of post-production with an anticipated release in Autumn 2024.

Pater Noster and the Mission of Light is the brainchild of the adventurous underground director whose previously acclaimed works The Theta Girl and Bad Girls have sent shockwaves through the underground film community. With an acclaimed track record of unsettling and thought-provoking films, Bickel is poised to take audiences on a nightmarish lysergic hellride that will linger long after the credits roll.

The film tells the story of Max, a young record store clerk who stumbles upon a rare vinyl LP and is drawn into the world of a 1970s hippie commune. An invitation to the remnants of the outlandish cult and their unholy spawn leads to grave and grisly circumstances for Max and her friends.

The film’s producers have pulled off a no-budget coup in bringing this grim vision to life, with a team of award-winning practical special effects artists and a hauntingly atmospheric score that will immerse audiences in a world of relentlessly trippy terror.

While one single name on half the credits is generally considered something less than a “trademark of quality,” Writer/Director/Producer/Cinematographer/Editor Christopher Bickel claims to be an “auteur out of financial necessity.”

“We make underground films with very little money for the love of the art. This is literally my back yard we’re shooting in. Everything we do is like the Little Rascals putting on a show for the neighborhood kids. That’s not to say that we don’t take great pains to make our products the best possible quality with the resources we have. Everything I know about filmmaking, I learned from punk rock. The movies we make are punk rock demo tapes. We operate outside of Hollywood focus groups and traditional distribution routes.”

Bickel’s CV includes stints as a columnist for MaximumRockNRoll magazine and Dangerous Minds. He was also singer in the punk bands In/Humanity and Guyana Punch Line, as well as the brains behind prolific avant garde recording project Anakrid. His two previous feature films are distributed world-wide and have received wide critical acclaim.

As Pater Noster and the Mission of Light enters the final stages of post-production, fans are eagerly anticipating its release, propelling a successful  crowd-funding campaign (https://www.paternostermovie.com/ ) as well as a grass-roots promotional campaign centered around the advance release of the film’s soundtrack. The crowdfunding campaign reached its goal within 4 days of launch.

An entire album’s worth of songs were written and recorded for the film to play the part of the Cult’s immersive psychedelic head-music. This music will be released as both a double LP record set and as a 5.1 surround audio disc accompanying the Blu Ray release of the film. The album features sax work by Tim Cappello, the iconic “sexy sax man” from The Lost Boys (who also stars in the film) as well as remixes by Andrew Liles of Nurse With Wound.

For updates on the release date and promotional events leading up to the premiere, follow the film’s official social media channels and website for exclusive behind-the-scenes content, sneak peeks, and more spine-tingling surprises that will leave you counting down the days until the movie’s arrival.

The movie’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61551934676191

Announcing the Pigeon Shrine FrightFest UK 2024 line-up

Pigeon Shrine FrightFest 2024, the UK’s No.1 horror & fantasy film festival, will, for the first time, present its five-day extravaganza at The ODEON Luxe Leicester Square, London, taking over all seven screens, including the two ODEON Luxe West End screens.

Running from Thursday August 22 – Monday 26 August, Pigeon Shrine FrightFest will showcase sixty-nine  features from across the world, including twenty-five main screen premieres and forty-five Discovery Screen titles, embracing the famed ‘First Blood’ strand, the latest genre documentaries, and some exciting restorations and retrospectives. Plus, there’s the regular short-film showcase (to be announced later), panels, and some surprise 25th edition extras. This year there are twenty-eight world premieres, with eleven countries represented, spanning four continents.

Co-director Alan Jones comments: “FrightFest, the Dark Heart of Cinema, has been beating loud and proud now for an amazing 25 years. An incredible quarter of a century that has seen major challenges and transformations to the global film industry that FrightFest has embodied, embraced and emblazoned. Our past 25 glorious years have shown FrightFest in a state of continuous evolution, something we are determined will never, ever stop. So let the 25th Anniversary FrightFest begin”.

The festival opens with the World premiere of Broken Bird, the directorial debut feature from actress/filmmaker Joanne Mitchell. Based on an original story by Tracey Sheals and Mitchell’s subsequent award-winning short Sybil, this is an absorbing and disturbing tale about a mortician (played brilliantly by Rebecca Calder), whose dark desires are becoming more insatiable and progressively out of control.

The closing night film is the English premiere of The Substance, the second thrilling shocker (after Revenge) from French writer/director Coralie Fargeat. The Cannes 2024 award-winning sensation is a Visionary Feminist Body Horror, starring a fearless Demi Moore as fading celebrity Elizabeth Sparkle who uses a cell-replicating substance that temporarily creates a younger, better version of herself.

Also putting in a fearless performance is actress and singer Bella Thorne, who shines as the serial-killing teenager in the UK premiere of Saint Clare. FrightFest will also be showing the UK premiere of Bella’s short film Unsettled, her directorial debut.

This year FrightFest celebrates a host of our past alumni and showcases their latest offerings. In the main screen we have Bookworm which gloriously reunites the Come To Daddy team of star Elijah Wood and director Ant Timpson, Azrael: Angel of Death, the wordless flesh-eating creature feature from E.L. Katz, the director of Cheap Thrills; the lean, mean jolt of true crime horror Invader from director Mickey Keating (Psychopaths), haunted house thriller Ghost Game, the latest from Jill Gervargizian, director of The Stylist and André Øvredal (Troll Hunter, The Autopsy of Jane Doe) brings us his stunning Dracula adaptation, The Last Voyage of the Dementer, never shown in the UK before.

Other main screen attractions include the International premieres of An Taibhse (The Ghost), the first Irish Language horror film ever made, and The Death Thing, a stunning neo-realist take on The Invisible Man for the online dating era. Then there are European premieres for JT Mollner’s twisty serial-killer chiller Strange Darling, A Desert, the powerful feature debut from Joshua Erkman and Cold Wallet, a witty, cyber suspense thriller presented by Steven Soderbergh. Plus, there is a World premiere for sci-fi high of the year Test Screening, and UK premieres for the twisty, engrossing Dead Mail, gripping Luxembourgish drama The Last Ashes and post-apocalyptic thriller Survive.

Tales of supernatural terror are given contemporary twists this year with the dread-filled Traumatika, the hilarious male stripper caper Member’s Club, with Steve Oram and Peter Andre, queer ghost story anthology Hauntology, the visually haunting paranormal thriller Shelby Oaks and Ladybug, where a gay artist (Anthony Del Negro) is haunted by a homophobic serial-killer. Then there is DW Medoff’s I Will Never Leave You Alone which explores personal mental health themes, and Dark Match, where wrestling champion Chris Jericho, comes up against some pretty hefty demons in the latest from Wolfcop director Lowell Dean.

The main screen also plays host to The Invisible Raptor, the monster hit of this year’s FrightFest Glasgow event and genre icon Christopher Lee is intimately brought back to life in the World premiere of innovative documentary The Life and Deaths of Christopher Lee.

This year’s Discovery strand once again reflects the festival’s legacy in championing emerging and established voices from across the world and sees the return of many talented filmmakers discovered over the years. Graham Skipper is back with his heart-felt post-apocalyptic tale The Lonely Man With the Ghost Machine, which he directs and stars in. Carnage for Christmas is another signature fun, gory shocker from 19-year-old, transgender filmmaker Alice Maio Mackay, who brought us T Blockers and Brian Hanson, director of The Black String, returns with The Bunker, an alien invasion shocker, which stars horror icons Tobin Bell and Tony Todd 

The UK is richly represented this year with seventeen Discovery screen gems, including the World premieres of Jonathan Zaurin’s unflinching crime thriller DerelictCinderella’s Curse, Louisa Warren’s blood-spiling twist on a familiar fairytale, pitch-black female avenging psycho-dramas Cara and Charlotte, vampire road movie Bogieville, Damon Rickard’s cat-and-mouse horror Never Have I Ever, Elliott Léon’s eerie adult fairytale The Flights of Fancy and Warren Dudley’s unsettling terror tale Fright. Also showing, twenty-five years after its release, is a 4K restoration of Jake West’s playfully subversive vampire gore-fest Razorblade Smile.

Then there is FrightFest’s first blood strand, which continues to shine the spotlight on emerging british talent and this year there are six world firsts – Sophie Osbourn’s The Monster Beneath Us, Aled Owen’s Scopophobia, Joy Wilkinson’s 7 Keys, Tony Burke’s Protein, Benjamin Goodger’s Year 10 and Josephine Rose’s Touchdown.

The range of documentaries on show further proves how important to film historians the genre strand has become with subjects such as exploration of tech-centric genre cinema (So Unreal), the rise of boutique specialty collector labels (Boutique: To Preserve And Collect), and the huge wealth of early millennial genre films (Generation Terror). Then there is Children of the Wicker Man, where Robin Hardy’s sons Justin and Dominic journey through the complex nature of independent filmmaking and fatherhood.

There are three Discovery screens this year and the range of films on offer truly displays the rich vein of emerging global talent within the genre. From the USA we have, evil rising The Daemon,  traumatic time-bending The A-Frame and Things Will Be Different, the grisly Happy Halloween, Dean Alioto’s The Last Podcast, the unique and experimental Agatha, Jeff Daniel Phillips trippy Cursed In Baja, scary Retrotech romance Video Vision, hellish road movie Drive Back, and the slasher maniac is back in Mutilator 2.

Then, from Canada, there is wild creature feature Scared Shitless, from Iceland the mythical haunter From Darkness, from Sweden the unholy In the Name of God and the tormenting Delirium, and from France there is avenging thriller Schlitter: Evil In The Woods and Aurélia Mengin’s shocking visual extravaganza Scarlet Blue.

From Japan we have the kiss-ass, time-altering A Samurai In Time, and, to celebrate its 40th Anniversary, there is a screening of Mermaid Legend, a rare exploitation cult movie that has never played any film festival outside of its native Japan.

Finally, FrightFest has once again teamed up with Warner Bros to celebrate the 40th anniversary of A Nightmare On Elm Street, Wes Craven’s classic shocker that re-energised the teens-in-terror stalk-and-slash cycle and proved getting a good night’s sleep can severely damage your health.

The festival guest line-up and full details for the Short Film Showcases and other events will be revealed soon.

Passes on sale from Sat 13 July, noon

Single tickets on sale from Sat 20 July, noon

https://www.frightfest.co.uk

WRITE FOR THE SITE!

I’m always looking for more writers to be part of the site. Sure, it doesn’t pay, but I’m willing to let you write about just about any movie that you want to, at any length and in any style or format. The site gets around 1,200 visitors a day and I share the reviews on Letterboxd, IMDB, Amazon, Rotten Tomatoes, Facebook and Twitter, so your work will get an audience. writerswanted2

These are the themes this summer. You can always write your own thing without a theme. Click the links to learn more:

June: Junesploitation and Something Weird Challenge

July: CBS Late Movies and Something Weird Challenge

August: August has been Cannon month for the last few years. This year, I’m writing about films connected to Cannon, whether they come from the pre-Golan 21st Century Film Corporation, films directed by Golan, Cannon home video releases, Pathé-era Cannon releases, movies Cannon released but did not produce, Pathé era video releases, Golan-Globus Before Cannon, the Tom Ward and Art Schweitzer version of 21st Century and Pathé Productions.

If you want to be part of the site, just email me at bandsaboutmovies@gmail.com. I look forward to having you write for us and am easy on deadlines, have no limit on word count and am really excited to help you either get a new audience for your site or write about movies for the first time.

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama 2024 Primer

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.

The features for Friday, April 26 are The Return of the Living Dead, the new Blue Underground 4K print of Deathdream, Messiah of Evil and The Children.

For a list of all of the movies that have ever played the Monster-Rama, click here.

Here are the two drinks I’ll be bringing!

1985 Zombie (The Return of the Living Dead)

  • 1 oz. Malibu rum
  • 1 oz. Hurricane Proof rum
  • 1 oz. spiced rum
  • .5 oz. peach schnapps
  • .5 oz. 99 Bananas
  • 1 oz. orange juice
  • 1 oz. lemon juice
  • 1 oz. lime juice
  • .25 oz. grenadine
  1. Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?
  2. Mix all of this in a shaker with ice, then pour it into a big glass. Lose your brains.

Point Dume Sunset (Messiah of Evil)

  • 1 oz. vodka
  • 1.5 oz. Malibu rum
  • 1.5 oz. peach schnapps
  • .5 oz. grenadine
  • 2 oz. orange juice
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • Maraschino cherries are optional
  1. Fill a glass with ice, then pour in this order: vodka, rum, schnapps then the juices. Then, pour your juices, then add cherries. Finally, pour the grenadine down the side of the glass, so that you get the “sunset” effect.
  2. Then, sit in the sun and wait. And sleep. And dream. Each of us dying slowly in the prison of our minds.

Saturday, April 27 has Killer Klowns from Outer SpaceEscape from New York, Starcrash and Galaxy of Terror.

Spikey, Bibbo and Slim (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)

  • 1.5 oz. vanilla vodka
  • 1 oz. blue curacao
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • Cotton candy
  1. Mix all vodka, curacao and pineapple juice.
  2. Top with cotton candy and knock your block off.

Stella Starr (Starcrash)

  • 2 oz. mango nectar
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • 2 oz. white rum
  • 2 oz. cream of coconut
  1. Mix all ingredients in a shaker with ice.
  2. Halt the flow of time and enjoy your cocktail.

See you on this weekend. Stop by, say hello, get a drink and trade some movies.

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama 2024 Primer: Galaxy of Terror (1981)

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.

The features for Friday, April 26 are The Return of the Living Dead, the new Blue Underground 4K print of Deathdream, Messiah of Evil and The Children.

Saturday, April 27 has Killer Klowns from Outer SpaceEscape from New York, Starcrash and Galaxy of Terror.

One could be cynical and point to 1981’s Galaxy of Terror as a blatant cash grab, an Alien clone that pushes itself into squeamish territory that its inspiration only hinted at. You could see it as a disgusting piece of exploitation movie making, filled with faded stars. Or you could just realize that life can be a mysterious, amazing, wonderfully rewarding experience and that a movie can start off ripping something off and become its own gloriously weird and magical thing. Obviously, I’m in the latter camp. And if you aren’t, jump off this ride to Morganthus right now, bub!

Written and directed by Bruce D. Clark and produced by Roger Corman for around $700,000, this is no big budget affair. But it’s a film that uses footage from previous Corman efforts, notably Battle Beyond the Stars, to great effect. And it’s also a proving ground for the talent that would lead the science fiction genre throughout the following decade. James Cameron is the art director, providing some intriguing sets and interesting gore replete with maggots. And of all people, the late and oh so lamented Bill Paxton served as the set decorator, previous to his career as an actor.

Galaxy begins by showing the last survivor of a downed ship being tracked down and killed as he tried to run away with what looks to be a car muffler. We learn that this is all part of a game played between Mitri and the Planet Master, who keeps his identity hidden. They speak of plans being set into motion and sending another ship, The Quest, to its doom.

The ship’s crew is led by Captain Trantor (Grace Zabriskie, Sarah Palmer of Twin Peaks, as well as The Grudge and Child’s Play 2), who has survived an epic disaster which has rendered her unstable and quite possibly a danger to her entire crew. This point is hammered home as the moment the ship is close to Morganthus, it crash lands on the planet’s surface.

Also on board are:

Alluma (Erin Moran of TV’s Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi), a psychic sensitive.

Team leader Baelon (Zalman King, who would go behind the camera to steam up the scream with his Red Shoe Diaries series, as well as production (and at times, direction) duties on films such as Two Moon Junction, Wild Orchid and 9 ½ Weeks), who is a complete dick to one and all.

Quuhod, a mute crewmember and master of the throwing crystal (Sid Haig, who may be my real father. Honestly, if you’re on this site and have no idea who Sid Haig is, life has led you down a dark, dismal path. I’d suggest you stop reading now and go watch Spider Baby or House of 1000 Corpses or Coffy or The Big Bird Cage and so on and so on).

Cabren, the film’s hero, who seems to be the coolest head (and best mustachioed) on the ship (Edward Albert, son of Green Acres star Eddie Albert).

Kore, the ship’s cook (Ray Walston, My Favorite Martian, Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Dr. Mnesyne from Popcorn).

Dameia (Taaffe O’Connell, New Year’s Evil), the technical officer.

Commander Ilvar (Bernard Behrens, The Changeling), the overall team leader.

Ranger, a crew member (Robert Englund, again, if you need a lesson on the importance of this fine actor, your priorities need some serious evaluation).

One by one, the team faces their own fears as they explore the planet. Those fears include all manner of gory, horrific deaths. To satisfy the demands of the film’s backers, one of those horrific moments includes a sex scene with the buxom O’Connell, but the results are probably not what any of those backers ever dreamed they wanted. Her fear of sexuality and fantasy of submitting to something more powerful than herself leads to a gigantic maggot having a prolonged, fully nude sex scene complete with simulated intercourse, as she gets covered in slime and enjoys an orgasm so great that it kills her. Seriously — this is either the scene where you wonder aloud about Galaxy of Terror’s sheer lunacy or walk out of the room in disgust. There is no middle ground.

Finally, it’s revealed that this is all a cosmic child’s game and the Master must be replaced by one of the crew. I’ll leave it up to you to watch this film and enjoy the ending for yourself.

It’s worth noting: As Alien gave way to Aliens, an alum of this film, Cameron, would be at the helm. However, there would be no giant maggots or Sid Haig dancing around in a jumpsuit. If you ask me, we’re all the worse for that.

Also known as Planet of Terrors and Mind Warp: An Infinity of Terror, Galaxy demands to be viewed. Be warned – this is exploitation filmmaking at its most exploitative. It’s a scuzzy, scummy film and may not be for all tastes.

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama 2024 Primer: Starcrash (1978)

April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.

The features for Friday, April 26 are The Return of the Living Dead, the new Blue Underground 4K print of Deathdream, Messiah of Evil and The Children.

Saturday, April 27 has Killer Klowns from Outer SpaceEscape from New York, Starcrash and Galaxy of Terror.

After the Star Wars became an international sensation, Luigi Cozzi (the batshit insane Hercules movies with Lou Ferrigno, Contamination and more) was able to round up a decent budget to make a film called Empire of the Stars, which eventually became this film. Cozzi battled against food poisoning of the cast and crew and even a Communist worker revolt which led to the movie being held for ransom to deliver a film that doesn’t look anything like Star Wars. Nope, Starcrash is the very definition of what I love in a film, a movie that takes inspiration from one source and then piles on the crazy and weird to bring you something you’ve never quite seen before. Maybe that’s because Cozzi never saw Star Wars and only read the novelization of the film!

In a galaxy far, far…yeah. You know what I mean. Anyways, Count Zarth Ann (Joe Spinell — yes, Frank Zito from Maniac is playing Darth Vader and if that instantly doesn’t tell you why this is such a great movie, not much else will) is taking over the galaxy with his giant fist shaped spaceship. Already, I love this movie more than anything that will come out this year.

Stella Star (Caroline Munro, Faceless, Slaughter HighThe Spy Who Loved MeDr. Phibes Rises AgainDracula A.D. 1972Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter…can you tell that someone likes Ms. Munro?) and Akton (Marjoe fucking Gortner, a former child preacher that exposed the faith healing racket in 1972’s Oscar-winning documentary Marjoe, as well as recording the album “Bad, but not Evil” and appearing in The Food of the Gods and Mausoleum…can you tell someone likes Mr. Gortner?) discover a body in hibernation as they go through some space wreckage, but are caught by the Imperial Space Police’s Sheriff Elle (a robot with a voice straight out of a spaghetti western) and the green-skinned Chief Thor (Robert Tessier, who formed Stunts Unlimited with director Hal Needham) and sentenced to life on separate prison planets.

Stella breaks out of her sentence almost immediately and is recaptured by Elle and Thor, who also have Akton. The Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer, who shot all his scenes on a sound stage in a few days, saying “Give me Rome any day. I’ll do porno in Rome, as long as I can get to Rome.”) thanks them for recovering the survivor. He informs them of his battle with Zarth Arn and asks for their help in finding his weapon and two other escape pods — one of which may contain his son.

A quick note — only Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer and Joe Spinell dubbed their voices (Spinell also worked as a dialogue coach on the set) due to budgetary concerns. That’s why Elle is played by one actor (Judd Hamilton) and voiced over by another (Hamilton Camp). And it’s also why the English-speaking Caroline Munro has the voice of Candy Clark (Gortner’s wife at the time)!

The film turns into a series of adventures — much like a movie serial — where our heroine goes from planet to planet, battling all manner of creatures and races. Like a world full of Amazons that have a gigantic female robot — in glorious stop-motion — that fires a giant sword as it menaces Elle and Stella. Or Thor revealing himself to be Zarth Arn’s Prince of Darkness and stranding everyone on a snow planet where Elle sacrifices himself by giving his body temperature to save Stella (Elle’s line “Now, maybe it’s time to use your ancient system of prayer and hope that it works for robots as well” is one of the most poignant I’ve heard in a movie. Forget for a second that this is a low budget space opera and just indulge yourself in the pathos!)!

Actually, Thor never gets the chance, as Akton straight up murders him and then brings Elle and Stella back from the dead.

Finally, our heroes discover the location of the third pod, but are attacked by Zarth Arn’s red field. As they land and inspect the pod, cavemen attack and tear Elle to pieces. However, a man in a gold mask fires laser bolts from his eyes and saves them. That man is the Emperor’s son, Prince Simon (holy shit, it’s David Hasselhoff!) and Akton comes back and uses a laser sword (not a lightsabre) to take out the rest of the cavemen. But there’s bad news — this is the Count’s planet!

Guards capture everyone and the Count reveals his plan to lure the Emperor here and blow up the planet with him on it. He leaves and orders several robots to keep watch. Akton fights and destroys them, but is mortally wounded. Before he dies, he explains that he has accepted his fate, a really strange speech in a movie that is filled with such science fiction action. It’s like a Zen koan inside a box of sugary breakfast cereal.

The Emperor arrives and uses a green ray to stop time, saving everyone, as he says, “You know, my son, I wouldn’t be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn’t have some powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!” Yes, Starcrash has some of the most ridiculous dialogue ever and I could not be happier about it.

A huge space battle breaks out, with rockets filled with suicide troopers and explosions and planets being threatened and the Emperor deciding to ram his ship, the Floating City, into the Count’s ship to kill them both. However, Elle has been repaired (“It’s so nice to be turned on again.”), which means he and Stella volunteer to do the suicide mission…which they survive.

Simon picks up our heroes and the Emperor gives this speech, another reminder of Starcrash’s power of language: “Well, it’s done. It’s happened. The stars are clear. The planets shine. We’ve won. Oh. Some dark force, no doubt, will show its face once more. The wheel will always turn; but for now, it’s calm. And for a little time, at least, we can rest.”

Sadly, Cozzi planned a sequel to the film titled Star Riders, which would have starred Klaus Kinski, Nancy Kwan and Jack Rabin. And it’s $12 million dollar budget was to come from Cannon Films! I weep for what has not been! And Escape from Galaxy 3 is also known as Starcrash 2, using tons of footage from the original and it has a heroine named Princess Belle Star.

Starcrash holds fond memories for me, because I saw it on a double bill with tomorrow’s film, Battle Beyond the Stars, at the Spotlite 88 Drive-In Theater. I vividly remember my dad laughing through most of the movie, but really liking the part where the rockets were fired into the Count’s ship and men jumped out of them. For the next several months, I thought more about these two films than Star Wars — we still had another year to go before The Empire Strikes Back as this was in the days before constant Star Wars-related media.

BONUS: Here’s the podcast episode I did for this movie:

Monster Squad, Jason Lives & Sorority Babes Reunions at Shock A Go Go

Here’s what’s playing!

Friday, May 17th

7:00 pm: Concrete Law – Skate Documentary directed by April Jones (L.A. Premiere, 50 mins)

9:00 pmGet Crazy (87 mins) followed by a Q&A with the director Allan Arkush!

9:45 pm: Shivers: They Came From Within (87 mins) followed by a Q&A with the stars Lynn Lowry & Allan Kolman!

Saturday, May 18th

3:30 pm: Exploit This! The Complete History of Exploitation in America (World Premiere! 1 hour 5 mins.)

5:30 pm: Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama followed by a Q&A with the stars Brinke Stevens & Michelle Bauer (Sponsored by Peepshow Menagerie)!

5:30 pm: New Visions Shorts Program (L.A. Premiere)

7:30 pm: Monster Squad (82 mins) followed by a Q&A with the director Fred Dekker & cinematographer Bradford May!

9:30 pm: Bloody Bridget directed by Richard Elfman (L.A. Premiere 81 mins). There will be pre-film live music and burlesque with Richard & Anastasia Elfman.

9:45 pm: The Crazies (1 hour 42 mins) followed by a Q&A with the star Lynn Lowry.