Tales from the Crypt S4 E1: None But the Lonely Heart (1992)

Tales from the Crypt gave many stars a chance to direct and this time, Tom Hanks is the man yelling action.

“Damn you Marcel! I told you they wanted violence, not violins. Good help is so hard to fiend isn’t it, kiddies? Want a little more cham-pain? I hope you’re hungry for tonight’s murderous menu. It concerns a man who’s discovered that the fastest way to a woman’s heart is with a pickaxe! I call this tasty little horror d’oeuvre “None But the Lonely Heart.””

Howard Prince (Treat Williams) has his eyes on a new mark, a new wealthy widow (Frances Sternhagen). Working with his partner Morty (Clive Rosengren) and using the video dating service of Baxter (Hanks), this is but the next older woman who he will marry and murder.

The problem for our protagonist is that someone is sending him notes telling him to stop. It’s a gravedigger (Sugar Ray Leonard) but before he reveals who hired him, Howard kills him, just like he’s already killed his partner. Maybe he should have realized that he’s in an E.C. Comics story and all of the women he’s poisoned have become the walking dead and plan on eating him.

This episode is based on “None But the Lonely Heart,” which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Ingels. It was in Tales from the Crypt #33.

Junesploitation: From Hell to the Wild West (2017)

June 28: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is Westerns! We’re excited to tackle a different genre every day, so check back and see what’s next.

I love a horror Western. There’s Bone TomahawkThe Pale DoorDeath Ride In the House of the Vampires — I had to get that in there — and Grim Prairie Tales. Oh yeah, there’s also Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s DaughterCurse of the Undead and Billy the Kid versus Dracula. Soem of my favorite Italian Westerns have a horror element to them, like Django Kill… If You Live, Shoot! and And God Said to Cain.

This movie feels like it was meant for me.

Do you want a Western with Jack the Ripper leaving England for the Wild West? And what if he dresses like a slasher killer and has talks with himself about purifying women? Wouldn’t that be awesome? Maybe more awesome than A Knife for the Ladies.

But what if Jack the Ripper battled a man named Mr. Buchinski who looked just like Charles Bronson because he’s played by Robert Bronzi, a sixtysomething Hungarian action star who was born Robert Kovacs. The man who would be Bronzi was performing in a European Wild West stage show when director Rene Perez saw his photo on the wall of a bar and thought it was from an undiscovered Bronson movie. Since then, he’s been in Death KissCry Havoc, Once Upon a Time in Deadwood, Exorcist Vengeance, Escape from Death Block 13 and this Western.

If you didn’t get the significance, Bronson’s real name was Charles Dennis Buchinsky.

A lot of the female cast of this were also victims in another movie by Rene Perez, Playing With Dolls: Havoc. Perez also made the movies They Want Us Woke Not Awake and Pro God – Pro Gun, so I have to track those down because, yeah. Wow. Also: that Havoc serial killer is also in Cry Havoc where we can answer “What if Jason fought Bronson?”

The killer might be Francis Tumblety who some people think was the Ripper. He did not look like a slasher villain but who are we to try and bring logic into a movie where a fake Bronson battles a monster in a tourist Western town? Also, the Ripper wears a mask like Cronenberg in Nightbreed.

You won’t care about anyone in this by Bronzi. Such is his power. But seriously, nobody really matters. This should have just been an hour of Bronzi shooting guns at a serial killer.

You can watch this on Tubi.

A BLACK AND WHITE DOUBLE THAT BELONGS ON THE DIA DOUBLE FEATURE

This week, join us for two big black and white blasts of darkness at 8 PM EST on the Groovy Doom Facebook and YouTube channels.

Up first, The Honeymoon Killers, which you can watch on YouTube.

Each week, we discuss the films, show the ads and have a cocktail to go with each movie. You can watch them on your own and come back to join us live.

Here’s the first recipe.

Honeymoon Killer

  • 1 oz. light rum
  • 1 oz. Passoa
  • .5 oz. cream of coconut
  • 4 oz. orange juice
  1. Add all ingredients to a shaker with ice.
  2. Shake, pour in a glass and write a personal ad.

The second movie is the first modern horror movie. Night of the Living Dead. You can watch it on YouTube.

Here’s the second recipe.

Yinzer Zombie

  • 2 oz. whiskey
  • 4 oz. Turner’s Iced Tea
  • 4 oz. lemonade
  1. Mix everything over ice.
  2. Stir and run. They’re  coming to get you, Barbara.

I realize you can’t get Turner’s outside of Pittsburgh, so you’ll have to find another iced tea of your choice.

We can’t wait to see you Saturday.

CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: Canvas (2024)

Marissa (Bridget Regan) and Eve (Joanne Kelly) have seemingly been pitted against one another since they were born. Their father, Raymond Hale (Samuel Roukin), was an oppressive collector of art who felt that his life of privilege kept him from his true calling of being an artist. He sword that his daughters would be guided to becoming the best artists who ever lived. To do that, Hale taught them that their pain would guide them to become better at their craft, despite the damage that it would do to their psyches. Marissa became a cold, unfeeling art scenester, using her sister’s art to gain entry into a world that she doesn’t have the talent to survive in. Eve has regressed inward, spending as much of her time as possible inside the family’s crumbling home, the same place where she found her father dead from suicide.

Their relationship is best summed up by a flashback where both paint in front of a waterfall. Their father yells at Marissa, complaining about how she doesn’t seem to care. He then forces Eve to burn her sister’s canvas, intonning, “The seed of creativity is adversity.”

Eve became a prodigy and was known in the art world before puberty.

Marissa was always jealous of her.

And if this seems like an art world version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, the filmmakers should take it as a supreme compliment.

Years later, the sisters come back together as Marissa learns that Eve plans to donate the priceless art that her father owned to a local gallery. It just so happens to belong to the fiancee of the girl’s childhood friend Cormack (Alain Uy), who has also remained in their hometown. Instead of becoming a great painter, he’s content to take care of Eve from afar and have a tattoo shop.

Appearances are reality for many in this film. Marissa is as much a mess as Eve, but she never admits it. Eve may appear like she’s hanging on to life by her fingernails, yet she can feel joy at the opportunity to reconnect with her sister.

Director and writer team Melora Donoghue and Kimberly Stuckwisch have created an entire world populated by characters who live and breathe. Marissa blows into town, seemingly always one step ahead of her sister. Yet Eve, while innocent, is not without guile. I rooted for her in this.

This is quite a movie. I hope it gets the kind of distribution where so many people can watch it.

You can watch this and so many of the films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. I’ll be posting reviews and articles over the next few days, as well as updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: Sweet Relief (2023)

Mr. McDaniel (Paul Lazar, Silence of the Lambs) is a retired teacher obsessed with a game all the social media kids are playing called Sweet Relief. They all name someone who they dislike and people vote on whether or not a murder would be justified. If it is, they must complete the murder. If they back out, they’re killed.

The game starts to infect a small town. Nathan (Adam Michael Kozak) moves away from home and cohabitates with Jess (Alisa Leigh). This causes his young sister Hannah (Lucie Rosenfeld) to be trapped with their strange mother who constantly watches McDaniel online. Hannah and her mother think that Nathan has betrayed their family and if they have to play the game to get him back, they’re in.

There’s also a child killer turned drug deal and now police informant reformed Gerald (B.R. Yeager) who is obsessed with the fact that he’s kind of a cop. He’s also still a murderer and when Jess catches him, all of these stories meet in a bloody and nihilistic finale.

Directed and written by Nick Verdi, this has a pace outside of what you see out of Hollywood. There are moments that just wait and wait for you. The characters all feel authentic and even when they’re locked into their own odd thought patterns, you never lose sight of the fact that they could be real.

It’s not perfect yet it’s rough edges are what make it interesting. The kids — and the adults and the senior citizens and everyone in town — are not alright. You can’t stop watching.

You can watch this and so many of the films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. I’ll be posting reviews and articles over the next few days, as well as updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: In the Name of God (2023)

Directed and written by Ludvig Gür, Gudstjänst — which is being released in the U.S. as In the Name of God — is about Theodor (Linus Walhgren), a priest who is often the only person at his masses. The worshippers are dying off and his wife Felicia (Lisa Henni) wonders if they should move on. He’s happy that his mentor Jonas (Thomas Hanzon) has come to town. The problem is that it seems like he may be deranged. After all, he just killed a dove right in front of him and sprayed him with hot blood.

Yet when Felicia collapses and is soon hospitalized, dying from a mysterious ailment, Jonas offers to save her if Theodor follows him just as he did by going into the priesthood. Now, he must accept the true priesthood of God and kill sinners to save his wife’s life.

Jonas has already captured a rapist and all the younger man has to do is snuff out his sinful life. He does. His wife is healed. He becomes known as a faith healer and people come back to the church. His wife is with child. God has a plan.

Yet to make the prayers of his new followers come true, he must keep killing. Because the God who has listened to Theodor is the Old Testament one, the vengeful demander of sacrifice, the God that asked Abraham to murder his own son just to see how far he would go.

This is the very definition of a moral quandary. Isn’t murder a sin? Yet aren’t the people who Theodor is hunting and destroying evil incarnate? Isn’t all this murder making the world a better place? And if he can make miracles happen at the same time, isn’t that God’s will? Can you become addicted to creating magic happen in the lives of those who follow your teachings?

You can watch this and so many of the films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. I’ll be posting reviews and articles over the next few days, as well as updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

CHATTANOOGA FILM FESTIVAL 2024: Noclip (2024)

In this movie directed and written by its stars, Gavin Charles and Alex Conn, two filmmakers explore a dead mall yet find themselves trapped within its environment, as the hallways, stairwells and abandoned stores start to trap them.

Made in Kansas City on nearly no budget — $37 or so IMDB would like you to believe — this is a liminal horror movie. That means that it takes place “in a space between two states of being.” This is a big YouTube horror trend and before every Hollywood movie starts to run it into the ground, Charles and Conn are here first.

Hollywood pitch meeting shorthand: Think Skinamarink.

The duo keep yelling, “This is another liminal space!” as they find all these backrooms and the Lunch Zone inside what was once a place of capitalism. Now, it’s a husk. This feels like the next level of found footage and taking streaming video into the horror film.

So wait — for the old people like me — what are The Backrooms?

According to Wikipedia, they “are usually portrayed as an impossibly large extradimensional expanse of empty rooms, accessed by exiting (“no-clipping out of”) reality.” They’re also quite often filled with sinister beings.

In 2019, a 4chan thread posted a “photograph of a large, carpeted room with fluorescent lights and dividing walls.” It upset people and no one could quite figure out why. One anonymous poster was able to sum it up and some of their words came to be the title of this movie: “If you’re not careful and you noclip out of reality in the wrong areas, you’ll end up in the Backrooms, where it’s nothing but the stink of old moist carpet, the madness of mono-yellow, the endless background noise of fluorescent lights at maximum hum-buzz, and approximately six hundred million square miles of randomly segmented empty rooms to be trapped in God save you if you hear something wandering around nearby, because it sure as hell has heard you.”

A24 announced that they are working on a film adaptation of the Backrooms based on Kane Parsons’ videos, with Parsons directing. Roberto Patino is set to write the screenplay, while James Wan, Michael Clear from Atomic Monster, Shawn Levy, Dan Cohen, and Dan Levine of 21 Laps are set to produce.

So again, it’s nice that these guys got there first.

Much like the aforementioned Skinamarink, nothing much happens. But that’s sort of the aesthetic, I guess. Again, I’m ancient and I remember when found footage was Cannibal Holocaust and not The Blair Witch. I feel about this the way I do about pop music: I am almost forty years past when that music should be relevant for me. For those who it is for, I hope they love it.

You can watch this and so many of the films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. I’ll be posting reviews and articles over the next few days, as well as updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

Chattanooga Film Festival 2024 Red Eye #6: Dracula Sovereign of the Damned (1980)

If you think there’s censorship in America today, well, let me tell you…after the comic book trials of the 1950s, in which Dr. Fredric Wertham’s book Seduction of the Innocent led to Congress having trials amidst the belief that comic books caused juvenile delinquency, the Comics Code Authority was born. Every comic needed the code and in order to keep offending comics like E.C. Comics’ Tales from the Crypt from ever rearing their ugly head again, vampires, werewolves, ghouls and zombies were banned. Comics couldn’t even use the words horror or terror in their titles. Even comic book writer Marv Wolfman’s last name was challenged!

It got so ridiculous that when Marvel used zombies in The Avengers, they had to call them zuvembies. They were still undead, they still acted like zombies, yet that spelled got them past the outdated Comics Code.

However, a 1971 provision to the Code stated the following: “Vampires, ghouls and werewolves are allowed when handled in the classic tradition such as Frankenstein, Dracula, and other high calibre literary works written by Edgar Allan Poe, Saki, Conan Doyle and other respected authors whose works are read in schools around the world.”

After the last appearances of Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster and a werewolf as superheroes in a short-lived line of Dell Comics, comic publishers realized that they could make monster books and as the characters were in the public domain, they could create their own versions of some already beloved characters.

Marvel already had a “living vampire” in Morbius — yes, the same character who is getting his own movie — but the Dracula comic floundered at first with several different writers (Gerry Conway, who went from a Universal-inspired take with major input from editors Roy Thomas and Stan Lee to a Hammer take on the character in the two issues he wrote, followed by two issues by Archie Goodwin and two by Gardener Fox before the aforementioned Marv Wolfman came on board) before gaining traction. Gene Colan was the artist along with Tom Palmer on inks for most of the run, basing his Dracula on Jack Palance, who would end up getting the role in the Dan Curtis TV movie Dracula a year after Colan prophetically started drawing him as the King of the Vampires.

At its height, Tomb of Dracula also had two black and white titles, Dracula Lives! and Tomb of Dracula. Yet even after the series ended in August of 1979, the character would return to battle the X-Men.

Strangely enough, Marvel’s Dracula comic book has more of an honor than just being one of the first Marvel movies. It also introduced the character of Blade, who would be one of the first Marvel film successes in 1998.

In 1980, soon after the end of the series, Marvel’s deal with Toei led to this movie.

The Toei deal began when the CBS Spider-Man series — which only had 13 episodes in America and a few TV movies — became a big success in Japan. Toei, the makers of Kamen Rider, would be the partner to create Marvel-inspired series such as their own Japanese Spider-Man show that gave Japan their own webslinger in Takuya Yamashiro and his giant robot Leopardon.

Marvel also produced the Sentai — think Power Rangers shows Battle Fever J (with characters from multiple countries much like Captain America; Miss America on the show inspired American Chavez — according to this article on Inverse — and the crew even battled a Dracula robot), Denshi Sentai Denziman and Taiyo Sentai Sun Vulcan, which Stan Lee tried and failed to bring to America. Ironically, former Marvel producer Margaret Loesch ran Fox Kids in the 90s, which led to Marvel shows appearing on Fox, as well as a much later Super Sentai series, which was rebranded exactly as Lee had suggested by Saban Entertainment and called Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

In 1983, Harmony Gold released this to American cable as Dracula Sovereign of the Damned. And wow, it’s something else.

The movie starts with no less gravitas than to show us how the universe was formed and the nature of juxtaposition — life and death, heat and cold, light and dark — began. Nowhere is that juxtaposition more felt than in the form of Dracula, who is both alive and dead.

Now making his home in Boston, after being hounded by multiple vampire hunters, Dracula soon interrupts a wedding between a virginal bride and Lucifer, stealing Dolores for his own, yet conflicted as to whether or not he should drink her blood. They end up having a son, Janus, who is killed by the cultists and Satan, but comes back as a being of pure light that also wants to kill his father. Meanwhile, Frank Drake, Hans Harker and Rachel Van Helsing are hunting down the vampire, wanting to end his life for good.

Can you fit more than 40 issues of a comic book into 90 minutes? Well, the makers of this movie sure gave it a try. At one point, Dracula even becomes human and walks the streets of Boston still wearing his cloak, but goes to get a hamburger. It’s also amazing just how much violence, Satanic moments and even nudity that this movie has. It’s also hilariously dubbed and the source material isn’t understood by the people making it, so it’s exactly everything that I want and need it to be.

As part of the deal with Toei, one more movie got made: Kyoufu Densetsu Kaiki! Frankenstein.

You can watch this on YouTube.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: The Cult (1971)

Uschi Digard week (June 23 – 29) Digard is best known for her work with Russ Meyer but she became an SWV fan favorite for two gargantuan reasons, her charm and her prolific career. The Swiss actress fled to America in 1968 and began a long career filling the silver screen from corner to corner with her overflowing positive energy. Show the lady some respect and watch one of her movies.

Long thought to either be a lost film or only having a single print still in existence that was in German with no subtitles, this movie supposedly lives as a 35mm print in the library of Quentin Tarantino.

Directed and written by Albert Zugsmith (Movie Star, American Style or; LSD, I Hate YouThe Chinese Room and one of the worst movies ever made, Dondi) — who used the name Kentucky Jones so that the real Manson Family wouldn’t creepy crawl his house — this was also known as Together GirlsHouse of Bondage and the best possible exploitation title possible, The Manson Massacre.

Invar (Makee K. Blaisdell, who had played many Native Americans on TV) is our Manson. He spends much of the film sleeping in a coffin and having flashbacks, like how he used to have sex with his mom, who is played by Uschi Digard. He also killed his dad with a chair.

This is the kind of movie whose legends are better than the reality, like the one that Lee Frost directed it or that it was made by the Mansons. That said, cinematographer Robert Maxwell also worked on the adult movie The Ramrodder that was shot at Spahn Ranch and had Bobby Beausoleil and Catherine Share in the cast. So maybe sometimes, the lie is based in real life.

The cast includes Debbie Osborne (The Toy Box), April 1972 Playboy Playmate of the Month Vicki Peters (Blood Mania), Lindis Guinness (Grave of the Vampire) and James Whitworth, Jupiter from The Hills Have Eyes.

I wish that I could tell you that this was an amazing piece of adult film but no. It certainly isn’t. It does, however, have a scene where a baby is tossed into a dumpster.