VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the August 9, 2022 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Directed by Clint Eastwood, written by Alex Lasker and Wendell Wellman, and based on the novel by Craig Thomas, Firefox is about a jet that doesn’t exist. The MiG-31 Firefox looks like the SR-71 Blackbird — you know, the one the X-Men flew — but in the book, it was a MiG-25.

How do you make a not-so-real jet look real? You get John Dykstra. He came up with a brand new technique for shooting the plane — which would be against a clear blue sky and not in space like the flying in the Star Wars movies — called reverse blue-screen photography. He coated the plane with phosphorus paint and shot it with harsh light against a black background, then ultraviolet light to create two mattes that would separate the model and the sky.

The Firefox is the kind of plane that could win the Cold War. Radar can’t see it, it goes Mach 6 and the weapons are controlled by the pilot’s brain. The British and Americans decide to steal it, sending former United States Air Force Major Mitchell Gant (Clint Eastwood, who else?) to steal it with help from the three scientists who made the jet.

I never saw Firefox, but I sure played the laserdisc arcade game.

The game came out nearly two years after the movie. Published by Atari, it used almost thirty hours of real footage that came right from the movie. It was pretty awesome to get to hear Eastwood’s voice while you pretended to be flying this incredible stealth war machine.

After making this film, Eastwood never worked with. his longtime editor Ferris Webster again. He never told him why and they had worked together for a decade. Webster had even moved closer to Eastwood to make editing with him easier.  Supposedly, he died heartbroken.

Craig Thomas, on the other hand, loved Eastwood. When he published a sequel book, Firefox Down, he changed the plane to be more like the movie. The book had the dedication “For Clint Eastwood .. pilot of the Firefox.” Several of the characters from those books also appear in Thomas’ novels Winter Hawk and A Different War.

This movie always seemed like Star Wars to me. I may not have been all that off, as two actors from The Empire Strikes Back show up: John Ratzenberger, years before Cheers, played a junior officer in both movies while Kenneth Colley plays Colonel Kontarsky in this and Admiral Piett in both Empire and Return of the Jedi.

As for the Firefox itself, it was painted white and shows up in Chevy Chase movie Deal of the Century.

I felt about this movie probably the same way I would have as a kid. It’s thrilling when the jets battle in the air and the rest of the movie is waiting for the jets.

Billionaire celebrity chef Alfredo Manicotti (Dana Snyder, the voice of Master Shake) has had his life ruined when one of the essential ingredients of pasta, gluten, is outlawed. He’s shamed by the powers that be in the culinary world due to his use of an even more dangerous version of the ingredient and eventually goes all the way into transforming himself — and his henchman Bob, who becomes Al Dente Bob (William Sanderson) — into a horrifying human piece of pasta and sending his demonic hordes after everything flesh.

The only person that can save the world is his spoiled daughter Emma (Lauren Holt), who soon finds herself training with a team of post-apocalyptic — sorry post-pastacolptic — warriors like Chub (Lavell Crawford), Halfway (Jess Harnell) and Mary (Mary Spender). But can she get past being daddy’s little girl and start kicking her dad’s forces right in the fregola?

Also: You may watch the beginning of this and remark, “Ah, what cute animals. I bet my kids will like this.” I would advise that unless your children enjoy seeing cute woodland creatures torn to pieces by Italian cuisine that has a ravenous appetite for blood, you should find something else for them to watch. Not every cartoon is for children. Consider this to be very much like a live action zombie movie except, well, with various shaped pastas taking the place of the walking dead.

Directed by Jason Schwartz (who did the animated series The Awesomes) and written by Matt Maiellaro (who has written for Aqua Teen Hunger Force), Pastacolypse moves fast, gets nice and bloody (saucey?) while never forgetting just how goofy of an idea it all is. For an animated movie streaming on a free platform, it looks great and even has some surprising moments of sheer gross out humor. I’d be all for another story in this same universe and I bet you will be too.

You can watch this on Tubi.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the April 4, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

In 2013, when the Alamo Drafthouse presented the uncut version of this film for the first time in the United States, they referred to it as an “unforgettable assault on reality.” Those words best describe what is otherwise an indescribable film.

But I’m going to try.

Maybe a recipe will help.

Take Chariots of the Gods, and some of Rosemary’s Mary, then a little bit of The Omen, throw it in a blender and then pour the whole thing down the sink.

No? Maybe a synopsis.

We start in Heaven, or somewhere very much like it, where Franco Nero (the original Django) is one of those space gods that Erich von Däniken wrote about. He tells the bald children who surround him that there was once a war between two aliens, one good and one bad. The bad one — who is either called Sateen or Zathaar — was defeated, but not before he slept with a whole bunch of Earthwomen. Cue the Book of Enoch in the Lost Books of the Bible. Or cue the Scientology myth of Lord Xenu. Or Xemu, because he has two different spellings, too.

Only one child is left — a young girl — and a vast conspiracy wants her mother to have another child — a brother this time — so they can mate. The Christ figure sends John Huston — yes, the director of The Maltese Falcon and The African Queen — and the bald children to a rooftop somewhere in Atlanta to stop this plot. To do that, the children become adult bad men and dance around a lot while Huston walks up and down the stairs to triumphant music. If you think I’m making that last sentence up, you’ve never been blessed with this movie.

Meanwhile, Lance Henriksen (Near Dark, Aliens) is Ted Turner, pretty much. His name is Raymond Armstead and he owns the Atlanta Rebels basketball team that plays at the Omni and is dating Barbara (Joanne Nail, Switchblade Sisters), who of course is the woman who has the seed of the gods inside her. Her daughter Katy is 8 years old and already using her powers to help the Rebels win their games. But that isn’t all the help Raymond is getting. The rich, powerful and ultra-secretive Zathaar cult control the world and are helping his team become winners. All he has to do is marry Barbara, knock her up and let their kids fuck. Hopefully, they have a boy, or Raymond is gonna have to get in the saddle all over again.

Raymond can’t even do that right and the leader of the bad guys, Mel Ferrer(The Antichrist and Eaten Alive!) is upset and ready to quit on Raymond. Barbara doesn’t want more kids and certainly doesn’t want another child. But who can blame her? Her daughter is one creepy little girl. Her daughter knows all about the conspiracy and begs her mom to get married so she can have a brother (and this is where, in person, I’d throw in “…to have sex with” but I’d use the f word). How creepy is Katy? Well, she kills a bunch of boys with her mental powers because they make fun of her while she ice skates. And then she accidentally shoots her mother at a birthday party. Yep, it’s as if The Bad Seed met Carrie!

Then, as all 70’s occult movies must, the stars of Hollywood’s golden age make appearances!

Glenn Ford, the actor, plays a cop that Katy curses out and uses hawks to make wreck his car!

Shelley Winters plays Barbara’s nurse who once had one of the space babies and killed it, but can’t bring herself to kill Katy! According to interviews, Winters really smacked around Paige Conner, the actress who played Katy!

Sam Peckinpah, the director (!), plays an abortionist who removes one of the space babies from Barbara after the conspiracy pays a bunch of things to artificially inseminate her. Turns out Peckinpah had trouble remembering his lines, which is why we never learn that he’s Barabara’s ex-husband! Then is he Katy’s dad? Who knows! His voice is even Peckinpah’s! They had to ADR all of his dialogue.

In response to the abortion, Katy shoves her mom through a fish tank. She also decides to throw her down the stairs, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?-style. And by throw her down the steps, I mean do it over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, John Huston is still going up and down the stairs. Finally, they HAVE HAD ENOUGH (I like to emphasize that so you get the gist) and sent their John Woo-ian flock of doves to fight the hawks. And meanwhile, Mel Ferrer and all his men show up dead with black marks on their bodies.

And Katy? Well, as Huston tells us, kids can never be evil. She gets her head shaved and goes to space to meet Instellar Jesus Christ. The title comes up as insane music blares.

Writer/director/insane man Michael J. Paradise (Giulio Paradisi) also was in Fellini’s 8 1/2 and La Dolce Vita. What inspired him to this level of cinematic goofiness? He was helped along by Ovidio G. Assonitis, whose resume includes writing Beyond the Door, Madhouse and Forever Emmanuelle before becoming the major stockholder and CEO of Cannon Pictures in 1990. That may explain some. But not all.

I know I often write things like “I don’t have the words to describe this” when I do these reviews — especially after I write a few hundred words all about said subject. But this is one time that that statement is not pure hyperbole. Just watch the trailer and be prepared to lose your grasp on normalcy!

The Visitor defies the logic of good and bad film. It can only be graded on the is it an absolute film, ala Fulci or Jodorowsky. It is something to be experienced.

You can watch this movie on Tubi.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the February 28, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Niall Hennessy (Rod Steiger) watched his family die in a Belfast riot. There’s only one thing he can do now. Kill the Royal Family and all of Parliament. As he coldly enacts his plot, both the police and the IRA want to stop him. Steiger is great, as he plays a man who just wants to avoid “the Troubles” — even though his brother is in the IRA — but when he loses those that he loves, he loses his humanity.

John Guillermin was the original director, but he left to make The Towering Inferno. Don Sharp (Psychomania) came on and worked from a script by John Gay. Lee Remick agreed to play her supporting role as it reunited her with Steiger and Gay, as they had just worked on No Way to Treat a Lady.

This was based on a story by Richard Johnson — who played Inspector Hollis — and the movie was accused of making entertainment from terrorism. Samuel Z. Arkoff for American-International Pictures said, “We do not consider this a pro-IRA movie but we are very anxious to avoid public opinion in Britain. I think the film is brilliant. I realize the bombing campaign in Britain must have made people very bitter about the IRA. I ask people to see the film before they make up their minds.”

The British Board of Film Classification refused to classify the film as there was newsreel footage of the Queen altered to appear as if she was reacting to a bomb explosion. Arkoff added a disclaimer stating that the British Royal Family had not participated, but Odeon Cinemas refused to show it and EMI would not distribute it.

It’s wild that this movie came out during such a politically charged time and was either very brave or very exploitative.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the February 28, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Robert Aldrich had a long and varied career, well beyond being the king of psychobiddy movies thanks to What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte. He also made Westerns like Vera Cruz, Ulzana’s Raid and 4 for Texas; the epic Sodom and Gomorrah; war movies like Attack, The Dirty Dozen and Too Late the Hero; even films as diverse as The Longest Yard, The Killing of Sister George and …All the Marbles.

This was the second movie that he’d make for Lorimar Productions, a TV company making features, and it was written by Joseph Wambaugh and Christopher Knopf. Wambaugh had written the book this was based on and did the first draft. He said, “When I turned in my first script they said they loved it. Then there was total silence. I called but they didn’t return my calls.”

Aldrich said to Film Comment, “I think Mr. Wambaugh is going to be very unhappy with this film of his work. I haven’t figured out yet how to correct some of the things that are in the book and still make people who read the book want to see the movie – but I do intend to figure it out.”

The problem that he had with the book was that he couldn’t relate to cops: “I don’t know how to feel sorry for a cop. It’s a volunteer force. You’re not drafted to become a cop. So you’ve got to take some of the heat if you don’t like what people think about you. After all, that’s an extraordinary pension you get in twenty years; nobody else gets it. In fact, I disagree with Wambaugh to such an extent that I don’t think people really like cops.”

He went on to say that the book didn’t go far enough in showing how cops are racists and how they act in Los Angeles, even saying that Wambaugh couldn’t face the issue — the author was the son of a Pittsburgh cop and was on the LAPD from 196o to 1974, rising to the rank of detective sergeant — so it was never in the book.

Wambaugh said, “They’d mutilated my work,” and took out a full-page ad protesting the movie, finally demanding that his name be taken off the movie.

He hadn’t even seen the movie yet.

When he did, he exclaimed that it was a “dreadful, slimy, vile film… a sleazy, insidious film. There was no serious intent to it. It was an insult to me but also to every self-respecting cop in America.” He got a million dollars in a lawsuit with Lorimar and bought back the rights to his books The Onion Field and Black Marble  — which both ended up being directed by Harold Becker — from the studio.

Aldrich said — I got this quote from the magnificent site Hidden Films  — that he “changed the script a maximum of 1-3 percent…he wrote a dirty, tasteless, vulgar book, which I think I’ve managed to capture.”

What Aldrich did get right was his cast.

There’s Charles Durning as aging cop Spermwhale Whalen; Perry King as mild mannered S&M enthusiast Baxter Slate; Clyde Kusatsu as prank-loving Francis Tanaguchi; Tim McIntire as odious Southern redneck Roscoe Rules; Randy Quaid as his partner Dean Proust; Don Stroud as the Vietnam vet on the verge of violence Sam Lyles; James Woods as the nerd cop used to entrap sex workers, Harold Bloomguard; James Woods as Harold Bloomguard; the always dependably scummy Burt Young as Sgt. Scuzzi; Robert Webber as Deputy Chief Riggs; former cowboy actor and future Dallas actor Jim Davis as Capt. Drobeck; George DiCenzo as Lt. Grimsle; Charles Haid as Sgt. Nick Yanov and Vic Tayback as Zoony, a vice cop who literally goes to war with Roscoe.

Louis Gossett Jr. also shows up, as does a collection of actresses that is the dream of exploitation film lovers, including Phyllis Davis (Sweet Sugar, Terminal Island, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls), Barbara Rhoades (Scream Blacula Scream), Jean Bell (TNT Jackson, The Muthers and the first African-American woman to be on the cover of Playboy) and, most essentially, Cheryl Rainbeaux” Smith (Lemora, The Swinging Cheerleaders, Massacre at Central High and so many more movies worth watching).

The story revolves around what the cops call choir practice, which is them getting trashed and abusing one another at MacArthur Park. What sums up the way the cops act is when Rules and Proust are called to rescue a suicide jumper. Rules can barely be bothered, bellowing “Go ahead and jump, bitch!”

She does.

There are no heroes in this, the tone goes from horrific racism played for laughs to the cops covering up the death of one of their own and the music seems to be taken from another movie, not punctuating the action as much as it stands in sheer contrast to it.

You know how people say that movies trigger them today? Well, they should probably not watch this.

I can’t even imagine coming to wellness spa Serenity Gardens to relax, because everyone there is deranged.

Owner Ivy Watson (Rayisa Kondracki) has decided to take her somewhat laid back business and apply the business knowledge of Stella Benton (Sierra Wooldridge) toward improving revenue. That means that  she has to analyze every expense, study what each employee does and learn how she can best maximize profit.

There’s quite the crew working there.

Zoe Ravenstill (Kendra Williams) has been there since the beginning, creating much of the Serenity Gardens concept with her best friend Ivy. She’s resistant to any change and seems ready to beat Stella into a pulp when she even tells her good morning.

Kilman (Chris Kapeleris) rocks out his warrior poses and ignores much of what Stella wants to do, but he has a secret tie to Ivy. He’s also dating or has dated nearly everyone that works in the spa.

Jett (Hailey Summer) is the crystal studio manager who reads tarot cards and can see chakras. She’s worried that all the work she’s put in will be thrown away by these new plans.

Boxer (Mal Dassin) is the masseuse who will totally give you a tantric session, which they call a release and which I call the old fashioned. The rub and tug. Wait — it seems he mostly works on ladies, so maybe just the rub. Anyways, he’s quite gross and almost gets into Zoe’s Svadhisthana chakra before his stalker Mandy (Brendee Green) comes to her house and loses her sense of inner calm.

None of these people are ready to calm you down. They’re ready to kill each other.

After several weeks of confrontations, potential romance and even an out and out murder attempt in the sauna — which already killed another employee named Kimber Walters — Stella has had enough and wants to quit. Yet Ivy wants to promote her to running everything and sending Kilman to London to start a new spa. Zoe, who thought the position was hers, quits in disgust.

When Zoe confronts Stella later, two hooded people attack, knocking out our protagonist and killing Zoe. They also shut off the security system and get Stella’s prints all over everything, framing her for the murder. Jett gets her out and by doing some detective work on their own — and consulting the tarot — they figure out who is behind it all.

Directed by V.T. Nayani and written by Scotty Mullen (Girls Getaway Gone Wrong, The Manny), Killer Coworker takes you behind the beaded curtain of the spa industry to reveal the dirt inside all the massage oil. My neck and back are bothering me, but I think I’ll avoid going to any wellness place for some time after seeing this.

You can watch this on Tubi.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the March 14, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Hugh Wilson created WKRP In Cincinnati, Frank’s Place, The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd and The Famous Teddy Z for TV, which would be enough for a career, but he also directed Police Academy, a movie he rewrote just so he could direct it. He also made Burglar, Guarding Tess, The First Wive’s Club and Blast from the Past, so he definitely had a great career.

Rustler’s Rhapsody was inspired by working at CBS Studio Center, which was once the Republic Pictures backlot. Wilson said, I grew up watching Roy and Gene and Hopalong Cassidy. That was my idea of a movie.” He told the Los Angeles Times, “This isn’t really a send up. We’re playing it very straight. We loved those old films and we really are trying to say something about them, like how can the hero keep changing his shirt?”

Shot in Spain on some of the same sets Sergio Leone made his films on, this is a strange proposition. Yes, the 80s saw a Western revival of sorts with Young Guns and Silverado, but I wondered, before seeing this, that if everything funny to be said about Westerns had already been said in Blazing Saddles.

I was wrong.

Double wrong, as this was released pretty closely to Lust In the Dust, a movie it vied for Godlen Raspberry awards for, with Henner nominated for worst actress and Divine for worst actor. As always, I hate those awards.

Anyhow…

Rex O’Herlihan (Tom Berenger) is somehow supernaturally smart. Maybe it’s all the vegetables he’s been digging up and eating. But he knows the story before anyone else does, that he and his high-stepping horse Wildfire are eternally destined to “ride into a town, help the good guys, who are usually poor for some reason, against the bad guys, who are usually rich for some reason, and ride out again.”

This town, the fifty-third that they’ve been to, is Oakwood Estates. Peter the town drunk (G.W. Bailey, also from the Police Academy films; Brant Van Hoffman, who was Kyle in that film is also in this ) explains that Colonel Ticonderoga (Andy Griffith) owns the town and the sheriff (John Orchard), and is working with a railroad tycoon (Fernando Rey, who was in Corbucci’s Navajo Joe and Compañeros). As Ticonderoga says to the railroad colonel, “We should stick together. Look what we have in common: we’re both rich, we’re both power-mad, and we’re both colonels — that’s got to count for something!”

Soon, Blackie (Jim Carter) and two of his men show up in the saloon and threaten the hooker with the heart of gold Miss Tracy (Marilu Henner). Rex shoots the guns out of their hands, but not before they shoot their leader, whose loss is lamented equally by Ticonderoga and his daughter (Sela Ward). In fact, it’s hard to tell which one loved him more.

To keep control of their town, the town rich men hire “Wrangler” Bob Barker (John Wayne’s son Patrick, who is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met), who as a fellow good guy is able to get inside Rex’s head and make him doubt even his maleness. Is it time to break the cycle before Peter goes from drunk to sidekick to dead — like always — and he has to do this all over again in another town?

I find it funny that one of the later movies that Wilson made was Dudley Do-Right, a parody of the same things that this movie is making fun of. He knows exactly the right notes to hit, including a horse so incredible that it can avoid bullets.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the March 14, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Like everyone else, I only knew about this movie because of Quentin Tarantino bringing it up on the Video Archives podcast. Steve Norman is playing Jack Benny, pretty much starting just like his TV show, before the story becomes, well, Star Wars.

Jet Benny is an intergalactic soldier of fortune who crash lands his ship the Maxwell onto an alien planet. He loses his ship and his robot butler Rochester (Kevin Dees). After years living on his own, he finds and saves Princess Miranda (Polly MacIntyre) and becomes part of her quest to stop Lord Zane and saving her brother Prince Carmen (Richard Sabel).

Then, we’re back to Jack Benny on his TV show.

Directed by Roger Evans and written by Mark Feltch, this was shot on Super 8 and released on VHS and beta by United Entertainment. And you know, it’s a strange little film that’s a better concept — what if Jack Benny did a Star Wars sketch on his show — that is pretty much the one joke that lands. The Carmen Miranda one, on the other hand, thuds.

I think the learning experience here is that even your cinematic hero can love and champion a movie you see nothing in. As for me, I expect no one to follow me into the weird corridors of end career stage Jess Franco, foreign remake remix ripoff movies and vanity projects, but if you do, I’m happy to have you along for the trip.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Mal Cooper (Theo Rossi, Emily the Criminal, Sons of Anarchy) is a bounty hunter whose only life is the so-called bull**** of tracking down people who have violated their parole. He was once a cop, but he knocked out a senator’s son when he got away with rape and lost his job, his marriage and pretty much everything else other than getting drunk and watching revenge-a-matic movies in the house he used to live in while his ex-wife is on her honeymoon.

His latest job from his boss Alexander Rogan (Kim Coates, Sons of Anarchy) is tracking down Jake Gordon (Shane Paul McGhie), the only witness for a crime lord — Alonzo Beaumont, Anthony “Treach” Criss from Naughty By Nature — in a case that involves mercenaries, crooked cops and no small amount of twists and turns. He also has to deal with his old partners in the police department, like his old boss Chief Joe Milazzo (Dermot Mulroney) and his informant Trina (Tameka Bob).

Directed by Jared Cohn (Lord of the Streets) and written by Chad Law and Gary Charles, this movie doesn’t break any new ground for its story, but the execution is solid and it succeeds because of the charisma of Rossi, who remains tough and capable while also showing vulnerability and even kindness in the midst of nonstop attempts on his life and the man he’s been hired to bring back.

You can watch this on Tubi.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the April 11, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Bull terriers can be independent and stubborn, but have a good temperament, get along well with people and can be a loving member of the family when socialized early. Like other terrier breeds, they were raised to kill rats and fight one another. In the U.S., we associate this breed with America’s party animal, Spuds MacKenzie, who if we are to believe the 1980s commercials was scoring human women thanks to his love of beer. Today, Spot, the Target dog, is also this breed.

So is Baxter.

Let me tell you, I don’t care what Baxter does in this movie, I love him more than any of the humans.

Baxter can’t find a family that he belongs to. The old woman is boring and must be killed. The couple across the street don’t understand when he tries to show his heart and when he brings them dead animals. They make a child that he hates and so he is given to the boy across the street. The boy wants to be Hitler and goes so far as to destroy Baxter’s puppies. Baxter wants to kill him in retaliation, but he can’t see the boy as anything other than his master, allowing him to kill him.

I wanted more for Baxter, as his voice (Maxime Leroux) speaks to you about what he desires in this world. He isn’t human. He’s a dog. He wants what a dog wants. He wants the firm hand of ownership, he wants discipline and he wants structure. I wish that Baxter found something else. I wish that he had a large field to run through and an owner that made him feel the belonging that he craves.

Directed by Jérôme Boivin, who wrote the script with Jacques Audiard, based on the book Hell Hound by Ken Greenhall (and republished under his pen name Jessica Hamilton), this is a bleak affair, a movie of darkness and constant looming death.It’s not an easy watch.

In the book — Will Ericckson brought it to light in a series of books he spotlighted for Tor Books — Baxter has a lot to say about mankind. “Pity is not something I want to encourage in myself. It is something for humans to feel, one of the jumble of odd sentiments they burden themselves with. Their emotions are like diseases, I think; diseases that can spread among those who try to understand them. Let their feelings be a mystery, like the dozens of other strange traits they have… The ways in which they deceive themselves are endless.”

Poor Baxter. Sure, he’s a sociopath, but he’s also a good boy.

You can get the reissued Paperbacks from Hell edition of Hell Hound here.