Much like how I never got It Follows and worship Under the Silver Lake, Richard Kelly followed up Donnie Darko with the impenetrable Southland Tales, a movie seemingly designed to appeal to literally a handful of people.
How did this happen? Was no one saying no? And more importantly, where are the people obsessing over this movie?
As for me, I’m just as guilty. I’ve had the blu ray in my possession for nearly a decade and kept saying, “Well, I’ll get to it.”
On a cold Sunday morning at 5:45 AM — my favorite time to watch films — this mess of a movie blew my mind up real good.
Kelly wrote this movie before 9-11. Before he became someone Hollywood would throw money at. And after the attacks and the fame, he started revising it until it became not unlike the zeppelin that flies at the end of the film — sure, it gets airborne, but it’s awfully bloated. But dammit, I kind of love this ridiculous movie that feels like the 90’s never ended and has the audacity to include musical numbers and Jon Lovitz as a racist cop not played for laughs.
For his part, Kelly said that the movie was a “tapestry of ideas all related to some of the biggest issues that I think we’re facing right now …alternative fuel or the increasing obsession with celebrity and how celebrity now intertwines with politics.”
Man, I love when filmmakers go crazy. I love when they have multiple graphic novels to explain their messes of movies. And I love when ensemble casts get dragged into a shaggy dog of a film, trying to act their way out of something that at times makes no sense. Is that the point?
I mean — this movie somehow was influenced by Phillip K. Dick — characters outright say titles from his books in casual conversation — and Pulp Fiction, Dr. Strangelove and the nuclear doom of Kiss Me Deadly. This is a place where Biblical verse walks hand in hand with song and dance set to the music of Moby and The Killers.
That said — the director’s cut has been referred to as “the ugliest mess I’ve ever seen” and “the biggest disaster since The Brown Bunny” and worst of all, “so bad it made me wonder if [Kelly] had ever met a human being.” And you know what? I want to see it. I want to see it with all my heart. Richard Roeper said that it was “two hours and twenty-four minutes of abstract crap.” I want all of it and more.
Oh yeah — those graphic novels. Southland Tales was initially planned to be a nine-part “interactive experience”, with the first six parts taking up a hundred pages in comic book form, with the movie as the last three parts of the story. And oh yeah — there was a website. Audiences can barely care about anything these days and here’s this movie demanding you do your homework.
Then again, this only played 63 theaters.
On July 4th, 2005, El Paso and Abilene were destroyed by nuclear attacks, which leads to America being under non-stop surveillance. While this is all going on, a company figures out how to make non-stop energy called Fluid Karma which is ripping holes through the fabric of space and time. And oh yeah — there’s a neo-Marxist terrorist plot involving the missing and amnesiac Boxer Santaros (The Rock, who was out of his depth when this was made but would be perfect now), a psychic porn star, singer and reality star named Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), the twin Taverner brothers (yep, another Philip K. Dick reference; Sean William Scott plays them) and a screenplay that portends the future.
Somewhere in all of this is Mandy Moore as Boxer’s wife, Justin Timberlake narrating it all (he once said the movie was performance art and claimed to have no idea what it’s all about), Miranda Richardson as the nemesis behind it all, Bai Ling as Serpentine (she’s all film noir here), Wallace Shawn as the Baron who is trying to get the new energy out to the world (when he’s not watching commercials where trucks have sex), Nora Dunn as a terrorist and porn director, John Larroquette (!), Kevin Smith, Cheri Oteri, Amy Pohler, Curtis Armstrong (!), Christopher Lambert (!), Zelda Rubinstein, Will Sasso (of all people!) and a cut for time Janeane Garofalo.
This is a movie that desperately and hopelessly wants to be about something for someone. Let me be that someone. And let me have so many questions, like why do the police cars have the Caligula quote “Let them hate so long as they fear” on them? Why have Jane’s Addiction lyrics come out of a character’s mouth? Why cut the scene where Boxer gets blasted back in time to the 1920’s? Why does Boxer have the same name in his prophetic movie — Jericho Caine — as Arnold in End of Days? What if Rick Moranis had really been in this?
Please watch this movie so I am not alone in my mania for it. Because man — I feel like I might watch this non-stop for a few weeks. Or months. Or years.
Luke is a Buzzstory producer whose crazy uncle taught him to never fall in love. One night after work, his new co-worker Aimee hooks up with him and he instantly begins to worry abot commitment. He loves his job, so he comes up with a new plan — he’s going to pose as a recovering sex addict. However, his boss is a real sex addict and brings him to group therapy. And that’s when he meets Kara, who just might be the love of his life.
The creative team and much of the cast all worked together on a sketch comedy show called The 5 Minute Sketch Show. They have a really natural chemistry together and that makes this movie really fun.
Shane Hartline, who is the lead character Luke, was once a Florida-based pro wrestler named Mark E. Xtreme. And Cat Alter, who plays Aimee, is a lot of fun. This movie reminds me a lot of a mid 1990’s comedy and that’s not a bad thing. I laughed a few times and was entertained, which is more than I can say about a lot of movies that I watch.
Addicted To You is available on demand and on DVD from Leomark Studios.
As a special gift to our readers, you can save 20% off the DVD with the code IamAddicted! Just visit the official store.
DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us by its PR team.
The lesson of this box office failure: Don’t hire a psychic as a consultant and don’t allow a church to finance your film. Did John Travolta learn nothing from this film before embarking on Battlefield Earth?
The Sun Myung Moon, the head of the controversial Unification Church, and one of the church’s members, known as “Moonies,” Japanese newspaper magnate Mitsuharu Ishii, wanted to get into the film business.
At first, they wanted to shoot a biopic on Jesus or Elvis Presley. (Jesus or Elvis??) They also wanted make a war movie depicting the Battle of Inchon, a decisive 1950 battle that shifted the Korean War in favor of U.N/U.S backed forces.
What film did they choose?
Thanks to one of the twentieth century’s best known, self-proclaimed psychics and astrologers, Jeanne Dixon, who served as consultant on the film, the “spirit” of General MacArthur “endorsed” the production of the film. And, the spirit guides told Dixon that Moon should hire director Terence Young, best known for the James Bond films Dr. No, Thunderball, and From Russia with Love. (Hey, be sure to join us for our “James Bond Week,” coming in April.)
Now, if you’re an executive at MGM Studios and you’re told a film that you’re going to distribute is financed by a controversial religious leader and consulted by a psychic, what do you do?
You sign on the dotted line. Amen, brother! Or is that Amen, MacArthur?
It’s unknown if the spirit guides suggested his hiring, but Robert Lowell, Jr., who wrote 1968’s The Green Berets for John Wayne and William Friedkin’s 1971 blockbuster The French Connection, penned the screenplay. (Friedkin has his own “Box Office Failure,” Sorcerer*, which we reviewed this week.) And Sir Laurence Olivier was paid $1 million to portray General Douglas McArthur. His roughly $50,000 a day salary was augmented with a weekly $2,500 Per Diem.
The film’s total production cost: $46 million.
The film’s total box office: $2 million in the U.S with a worldwide take of $5.2 million.
The film’s total loss: $41 million.
Where’s Enzo G. Castellari, when you need ’em? Right. Inchon makes his (excellent!) The Inglorious Bastards look like an Oscar winner.
Thanks to required extensive reshoots—and with no funds to shoot the scenes properly—scenes featured cardboard cut-outs of fighter planes held up with string. Another critical gaffe in the film features a digital watch—a technology that would not be invented until 25 years after the film’s timeline. Ironically, the spirit guides never warned Jeanne Dixon that star Jacqueline Bissett would develop laryngitis and require extensive dubbing. Or that co-star David Janssen would die during production and all of his scenes would have to be reshot.
Inchon—a 140 minute (almost 2 ½ hours) behemoth—is not only cited as the biggest box office bomb of 1982, it is also ranked as one of the worst movies of all time. Released in September of 1982 in the U.S and Canada, the film was quickly pulled from release due to its poor performance. While it was never shown again in theatres, it did appear on U.S cable television on the defunct Goodlife Television Network that, ironically, the Unification Church owned. While the film was never released on video, VHS grey market bootlegs taped from the TV broadcast circulate on the web.
The film swept the awards—the Razzie Awards. It won the awards for Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Sir Laurence. Ben Gazzara (The Neptune Factor; Brad Wesley from Roadhouse) was nominated for his supporting actor gig. Our beloved Richard Roundtree (Q: The Winged Serpent; Shaft) came out of it unscathed, almost: then he went and did Theordore Rex. Why Richard? Why?
You can watch a rip of the VHS Goodlife TV bootleg on You Tube. I’m going to watch it and relish the memories of seeing this at the local twin cinema back in the day.
$165 million worldwide against a production budget of $175 million. Yep, that’s a box office failure.
Yet the 1967 film that preceeded this one is also one of the biggest failures in movie history. It tripled its original budget, ballooning to $17 million ($132 million in today’s money). And the movie only made back $9 million. Despite the negative reaction to that movie, 20th Century Fix lobbied for the film at the Academy Awards, where it was nominated for Best Picture and won for Best Original Song and Best Visual Effects. They went so far as to offer sixteen consecutive nights of free screenings of the film at the studio lot, along with dinner and champagne, to Academy members.
That movie was a complete mess to make, as star Rex Harrison disliked co-star Anthony Newley. According to Mark Harris’ Pictures at A Revolution: Five Movies and the Birth of a New Hollywood, Harrison decided to vent his jealousy of Newley by using anti-Semetic slurs in the actor’s direction. At one point — due to this and his insistence on singing live versus lip synching — Harrison was fired and replaced by Christopher Plummer. Then, Harrison came back and Plummer still needed to be paid. To top that off, Geoffrey Holder, who played William Shakespeare the Tenth, the leader of Sea Star Island, was subjected to racial namecalling by members of Harrison’s entourage.
Does it get worse? The animals often bit and crapped all over cast members. And some of the ducks literally forgot how to swim and almost drowned. Then, as they were shooting the giant pink sea snail at Marigot Bay, Saint Lucia, the natives — angered by a stomach bug caused by snails that had sickened the island’s children earlier that year — began to stone the giant snail. Around that time, producer Arthur P. Jacobs has a heart attack.
Finally, when they got back to California, Harrison insisted on re-recording all of his songs live on set. This would later cause even more headaches, as the orchestra would have to record the songs again later to match his speed.
So when you look at all of those issues — Eddie Murphy’s Doolittle remake earned around $300 million on a $70 million dollar budget and spawned two canon sequels and two spin-offs, so it doesn’t count in this discussion — you may realize that this movie isn’t anywhere near the bomb that the original film was.
This movie has all the hallmarks of a bomb. And if you’ve learned anything during this week of box office failures, you know that movies show the signs of bombdom long before they play the silver screen.
Here’s a good one: three weeks of reshoots, along with Syriana director Stephen Gaghan needing a second director’s help (Jonathan Liebesman, whose record of Battle: Los Angeles, Wrath of the Titans, 2014’s Worst Director Razzie-winning Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles suggests that maybe, just maybe, a better third director may have been needed) and writer Chris McKay (the LEGO movies) writing new comedic scenes, as most of the humor was falling flat. There was also the hope that Seth Rogen and Brendan O’Brien would pitch in, but they couldn’t commit to the film. Oh yeah — The Lego Batman Movie writer John Whittington tried to write some new scenes, but his work was shredded by star Robert Downey Jr.
As for Downey Jr., he based his lead role on Welsh neo-pagan physician William Price. One of the reasons? He didn’t want to do another British accent. Yes, the pioneer of cremation in the UK was the inspiration for the lead character in a children’s movie. Cool story.
The biggest sign that this was a lit fuse waiting to die in theaters? It kept getting moved. First, it was moved so that it wouldn’t compete with the latest Star Wars film (which also got moved and is a failure story in and out of itself), then it was placed in theaters in January, traditionally the graveyard for movies that studios want to wipe off their shoes.
So how is it?
Well, I didn’t hate it. That’s a victory.
A lot of the credit for that goes to the great voice talent. This may be the only movie credit that Emma Thompson and Ralph Fiennes share with John Cena and Jason Mantzoukas, but such is life.
But I never understand movies where we’re supposed to fall in love with a hero who wants nothing to do with being a hero. It’s like the lead has already made some progress through the hero’s journey, yet we’ve missed all the good moments and start off in the dreaded third act. I remember as a child, watching Popeye in a theater, and wondering why Robin Williams’ version of the role hated spinach and didn’t want anything to do with saving the day. I kind of felt the same way here, but it comes together.
It’s odd to see Ralph Ineson in a kid-friendly movie after I associate his voice with The VVitch so much, but again, life’s weird. And it’s always nice to see Antonio Banderas in a movie, even if it’s a minor role. That said — Nicholas Cage was supposed to play that part and I would have lost my mind of he showed up in this movie.
This isn’t the kind of movie that’s going to change your life. But shouldn’t some movies just be trifles? Silly bits of fun? Maybe they don’t need to cost this much and demand this much work, but that’s what box office failure week is all about.
Take it from someone who was there, 1990 belonged to Andrew “Dice” Clay.
That year, he became the first comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row. His albums sold hundreds of thousands of copies, a fact that would never be possible in today’s streaming world. His controversial episode of Saturday Night Light was the fourth highest-rated show of the season and caused cast member Nora Dunn and music guest Sinead O’Connor to not appear on the show.
You kind of had to be there.
Yet how has a movie so critically reviled in its homeland been so well-received overseas?
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane will leave you with many questions.
Ford Fairlane (Clay) is smoking on a beach. He smokes for most of the movie, as so much of Clay’s Diceman routine — which started as just part of his act and grew and, well, grew — was about smoking.
He flashes back to how he got here, as Bobby Black (Vince Neil, who deserves a similar fate after murderously screwing up Hanoi Rocks) collapses on stage and dies. Ford is hired by shock jock Howard…no, Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried) to find out what happened and what groupie Zuzu Petals (Maddie Corman, who went from movies like this and Beer League to playing Lady Aberlin in A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) had to do with it.
Crunch is electrocuted on the air and now our detective must deal with all manner of rogues, from former disco cop Lt. Amos (Ed O’Neill, always wonderful), Smiley the hitman (Robert England), numerous ex-girlfriends who want him dead and a record executive named Julian Grendel (Wayne Newton!) who is bootlegging his own label’s music when he isn’t blowing up Fairlane’s beloved car and home up real good.
There’s also a koala bear. And Lauren Holly as Ford’s assistant, Jazz. And an orphan named The Kid, played by Brandon Call from Step by Step.
Along the way, you get David Patrick Kelly (Luther from The Warriors, as well as T-Bird from The Crow and the fan from Penn & Teller Get Killed), Morris Day, William Shockley (the stuntman who played the first person dispatched by RoboCop), Lala Zappa (who keeps showing up in movies I’ve been watching like this and Amityville: A New Generation), Kari Wuhrer (oh man, whatever happened to her? If anyone deserved to be in 1990’s neon giallo films, who else? Also, she is in Beastmaster 2, Thinner, Anaconda and Berserker), Sheila E., showgirl Delia Sheppard (Penthouse Pet of the Month for April 1988 who is in Gregory Dark’s soft core movie Night Rhythms), Priscilla Presley, Kurt Loder and Tone Loc.
The music for this film is perhaps way better than the film, led by Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love,” which had an awesome video directed by David Fincher. The Black Plague band that starts the film features not just Neil on vocals, but also former Ozzy bassist Phil Soussan, Quiet Riot’s Carlos Cavazzo on guitar and Randy Castillo, who was in Ozzy’s band and played for some time in Motley Crüe before his death.
Somehow, this movie made $1 million more than it cost — $20 million if you were wondering — and was the big winner at the 1990 Golden Raspberry Awards, winning Worst Actor (Clay), tying with Blake Edwards’ Ghosts Can’t Do It for Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay.
Speaking of that screenplay, the movie’s writers all went on to bigger and better things. Well, kind of. David Arnott wrote The Last Action Hero. James Cappe wrote for the Poltergeist: The Legacy TV show. And Dan Walters followed this up with Hudson Hawk(he also wrote Batman Returns and Demolition Man, so it’s not all bad). The characters came from Rex Weiner, who has the astounding title of creative consultant for Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!(spoiler warning: he wrote it under the pen name Carlos Lazlo). He originally wrote tales of Ford Fairlane in The New York Rocker and L.A. Weekly.
Somehow, Renny Darlin just kept getting handed millions by Hollywood to make movies. Cutthroat Island? Deep Blue Sea? Exorcist: The Beginning? Oh Renny — what photos do you have and why do you keep using your blackmail to make these movies?
That said, I love this movie for this exchange:
Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?
You also have to love any movie that features fake bands like Ellen Aim and the Attackers (obviously from Streets of Fire), Brain of the Scarecrow, Alba Varden (the cruise ship from Lethal Weapon 2), Heather, Corey, Heather Cory and Young (a reference to the many Cory and Heather actors in the 90’s), Todd Times Two, 5000 Schizophrenics (10,000 Maniacs), Hot Tub Johnny and his Feline Friends, Mamma Waters Sings the Blues, Nine Sisters, Horses on Fire, The Silver Belles, Fred and Ethyl (I Love Lucy), The Professor and Mary-Ann (Gilligan’s Island), The Nakatomi Boys Choir (Die Hard), The Doctor Bellows Funk Machine (I Dream of Jeannie) and The Redheaded Gardner and his Flower.
Even better, Black Plague’s song titles are listed, such as “Hon, I Screwed the Kids,” “Polanski Nursery” and “I Love You.”
Also — as I know Joe Bob Briggs worries about these kinds of things, but the actual 1957 Fore Fairlane in the film was not actually blown up. That was a fiberglass replica.
So wait — remember what I said about this movie actually being a success in some places?
In post-communist Hungary, that’s where.
Pirated copies — featuring the voice of Hungarian singer and comedian Fero Nagy — became so popular that Hungarian youths would quote the film and the profanity filled lines Nagy added.
The film was also a big deal in Norway and in Spain, where it was dubbed by singer, actor and comedian Pablo Carbonell. I kind of dig the film’s title in Peru, which translates to Ford Fairlane: World Rock Police.
There was even a DC Comic book of this movie! Gerard Jones wrote it! I bought every issue!
Beyond the fact that this movie only made back $26 million on a $52 million dollar budget, Aloha was hit with the issue of whitewashing, as Emma Stone’s character is supposed to be one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Hawaiian, yet is — you know — played by Emma Stone.
I know, I know. There are plenty of people who adore Jerry Maguire. Some people enjoy Almost Famous. But even less are down with Vanilla Sky. And then, still less like Elizabethtown. Dwindling returns.
This is a big ensemble movie about Hawaii and the air force and it’s kind of, sort of the future and all manner of Hollywood celebrities are in it and it commits a bigger sin than this giant run-on sentence. That sin is that it’s incredibly boring.
Military contractor Brian Gilcrest (Bradley Cooper) is the nexus that this revolves around and most of the movie is about how he’s the wrong guy for every woman, from his ex-girlfriend Tracy (Rachel McAdams) and the space-loving Captain Allison Ng (Stone). Bill Murray shows up as a billionaire who is trying to get into space. Everyone loves space in this movie, which I would too, because it presents Hawaii as perhaps the most ennui-inducing land that has ever been.
John Krasinski, Danny McBride and Alec Baldwin all got roped into this as well. Becca made it approximately twenty minutes into the ride while I stayed buckled in and made it to the close of the film, which is meant to draw deep emotion and motivated me to eject the DVD and try to not snap it in half before I brought it back to the Redbox machine, where this virus of monotony will infect another unknowing subject.
That said — I’ve seen stacks of this movie at Dollar Tree, so if you need some insulation or would like to ruin someone’s life, it makes for a fine and inexpensive gift.
Sometimes, the story behind a movie takes over the actual story of the movie. I can think of no better example than this film.
The Cottom Club was Robert Evans’ baby. Inspired by a picture-book of the famous nightclub by James Haskins, he was set to produce and direct, with Mario Puzo writing the original screenplay and William Kennedy and Francis Ford Coppola doing re-writes.
But wait? Didn’t Evans and Coppola famously hate one another after two go-arounds making The Godfather films? Didn’t Evans even claim, in his book that influenced everything I write, The Kid Stays In the Picture, that “Francis and I have a perfect record; we disagreed on everything?”
Production designer Richard Sylbert played good cop bad cop with both, telling Evans not to hire Coppola because “he resents being in the commercial, narrative, Hollywood movie business” while at the same time telling Coppola to steer clear because Evans was crazy.
Yet Coppola needed the money. One from the Heart had tanked and he’d done the one thing you should never do — he spent his own money.
Evans needed Coppola too — at least $13 million had already been committed to the film, then Vegas casino kings Ed and Fred Doumanu put another $30 million down, then Adnan Khashoggi — yes, the arms dealer — got involved. And then there’s Roy Radin, who cut a drug dealing associate out of the movie and got killed for it.
Let’s stop this Cotton Club train and get into Roy Radin, who touches all the hot button subject matter that I love so much. Back in 1991, Lydon LaRouche’s Executive Intelligence Review stated that Radin’s murder had been carried out in style. To wit, the murder was conducted in Satanic ritualistic fashion: 13 bullets to the back of the head; a Bible left near the body, opened to a passage from the Book of Isaiah, Chapter 22, which reads in part, “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we shall die.””
Radin was killed by William Malony Mentzer, who was identified by “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz as Manson II. He was also, at the time, the bodyguard of Larry Flynt and had two dozen similarities with the Zodiac Killer.
Radin also had ties to the occult underground in New York and Long Island, purchasing much of his cocaine from the group that Maury Terry fingered in The Ultimate Evil as a national Satanic underground that also included the Process Church of the Final Judgement and Charles Manson. Radin was also a member of the Crowley order the Ordo Templi Orientis.
I went to one of their parties once and was shocked how boring it was, as everyone ate guacamole and discussed Debbie Harry for hours. And hours. Also, of note, the Process successfully sued Terry and had the passage that connected them to Manson removed from future printings.
But I digress.
The budget had ballooned out of control — $65 million by some accounts, which would be $162 million in today’s money. When he became the director, Francis Ford Coppola added to the budgetary issues by firing nearly all of Evans’ crew, which meant large payoffs. Then, a whole new crew went to work, with six hundred people were constantly working at building sets, making costumes and playing music, like some demented Winchester house of a film, costing a quarter million a day as star Gregory Hines claimed that the rehearsals of the film were being filmed as the movie was shot during rehearsals.
At one point, five new scripts were written in 48-hours and at least thirty — if not forty — versions of the screenplay exist. Evans got forced out. The producers began suing one another. And the movie was still far from playing theaters.
Dixie Dwyer (Richard Gere) is working with the mob to help his career as a musician, but he’s fallen for Dutch Schultz’s (James Remar) woman Vera (Diane Lane). Meanwhile, Sandman Williams (Heinz) and his brother Lucky (real-life brother Maurice Heinz) start working at the Cotton Club, which is owned by Owney Madden (Bob Hoskins) and policed by his right-hand man, Frenchy Demange (Fred Gwynne!).
Dixie — who is pretty much George Raft — goes off to become a star thanks to Madden, but he pisses off Schultz along the way. Yet his brother remains in Schultz’s gang (and is played by a very, very young Nicholas Cage). And Laurence Fishburne is also in here as a Harlem-based mobster.
This movie again connects so many of my pop culture loves, from Warhol Factory star Joe Dallesandro playing Lucky Luciano to Tom Waits, Woody Strode and Julian Beck (Kane from Poltergeist 2!) having roles in the film.
Roger Ebert said that despite the movie having such a troubled birth, “what difference does that make when the result is so entertaining? Whatever it took to do it, Coppola has extracted a very special film out of the checkered history of this project.”
In 2015, Coppola found an old Betamax video copy of his director’s cut and spent a half million of his own money — oh Francis, you never learn — to restore the film. This new version, called The Cotton Club Encore, debuted at the Telluride Fim Festival.
The Cotton Club Encore has just been released to blu ray. It’s remastered, restored and has musical sequences and never-before-seen scenes that have been added back to the film. You can follow the link to order it.
DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us by Lionsgate. This has no impact on our review.
Carol of the Bells won the Audience Award for Best Feature at the San Diego International Film Festival. It was created by Joey Travolta — yes, one of the five siblings of John — who has made it his mission to help students “develop self-esteem, confidence, and creativity through acting and digital film making.”
So what’s it all about? Well, a troubled young man has been looking for his mother and is amazed to find out that she’s developmentally disabled.
Me, I was astounded to learn that Geri Jewell was in this movie. She was a big deal when I was a kid, showing up and making every episode of The Facts of Life into a very special episode.
Lee Purcell (Valley Girl), Donna Pescow (yes, from that other Travolta movie Saturday Night Fever) and a cast and crew that is made up of 70% individuals with developmental disabilities makes this pretty interesting.
This is the kind of movie with a message that we rarely review on this site. Mainly, we’re just about people exploding and leather gloved hands choking people. But hey — we can recognize a sweet movie when it comes our way.
Carol of the Bells is available on demaond and on DVD March 3 from High Octane Pictures.
DISCLAIMER: We were sent this movie by its PR team.
The Sebastian’s National Greyhound Foundation operated by Beverly has the distribution rights to their film library via Panama/HIS Movies — and funding from those films’ reissues has helped the foundation rescue and save the lives of over 15,000 retired racing greyhounds.
Ferd, through his still operating 2JESUS.org healing ministry, has helped reach and save hundreds of thousands of souls worldwide.
Ms. Sebastian is currently writing an auto-biography of her life with Ferd, Living with a Man of God: From Hollywood to Heaven — itself the companion book to Ferd’s own Walk with Jesus memoir. You can now purchase the eBook for free via the link.
Now, here’s what we had to kibitz in February 2020 regarding the continuing adventures of the coolest faux-heavy metal rocker ever committed to film: Mr. William “Eye” Harper.
It could have been the best If you had it correctly made But just like all the rest Of the bogus grey market rips It wound up in a grave
When you least expect it Your DVD/Blu, it will arrive And when it does You’re screwed
Get ready for a fascinating fiasco for the most expensive film (well, direct-to-video) never made.
In April of 2016 The Screamcast podcast broke the story that an IndieGoGo online campaign was launched to raise funds for a proposed sequel to the 1984 heavy-metal slasher flick Rocktober Blood. There was even a You Tube-posted trailer that featured outtakes from the original film creatively edited with new footage featuring new actors.
And those sequel plans quickly crumbled in the midst of a fan-controversial DVD/Blue-ray reissue of Rocktober Blood.
Through that crowd-funding campaign and a website, rocktoberblood2.com, Panama Films, the film company/reissues arm of the movie’s producers, Ferd and Beverly Sebastian, were offering a $50 Blu-ray (and $30 DVD) restored and remastered from the film’s original 35mm negative. The pack would also include the first ever CD copy of the film’s out-of-print vinyl-only soundtrack. Another perk: Billy Eye Harper himself, actor Trey Loren, aka Tracy Loren Sebastian, the son of the film’s writers and directors Ferd and Beverly, would personally autography the discs.
I made this!*
From their official social media press release:
“Fans of the original cult classic will be able to help with the sequel even before the launch with an “Early Bird Special,” which includes a Special Limited Edition Blu-ray (or DVD) of ROCKTOBER BLOOD! The Blu-ray will be a new master of the 35mm print. In addition, you’ll receive a mini-poster of the original theatrical art, a t-shirt, and the original soundtrack! Your Blu-ray/DVD can either be signed or signed with a personalized message from Billy Eye, himself!”
Needless to say, fans of the video fringe were weary from the start because Panama Films’ (operated by their son Benjamin) previous digital reissues of the Sebastians’s oeuvre, with films such as ‘Gator Bait and Flash and the Firecat, were imported from the 1-inch video tape masters (but really just rips from an old VHS tape; no “masters” were used).
At the time, the Rocktober Blood-reboot had a Facebook page and fans inquired if this new reissue would be legitimate, pressed Blus and DVDs, or are they going to be BD-r and DVD-rs like the old Panama version. The page, run by Tracy Sebastian, said: “They are legitimate Blu-rays!”
Panama Films’ early-2000 DVD-r reissue sold directly through their website.
(Factoid: Legit replicators require a minimum of 1000 copies be pressed before they can take an order. Is there really 1000 fans in the whole world clamoring for Blus or DVDs of such an obscure slasher film?)
Then the Rocktober Blood social media platforms stated that, in honor and recognition of the Sebastians’s filmmaking throughout the years, and to give something back to them, all net proceeds (100%) from the special edition director’s cut DVD and Blu will go to support their charities—the National Greyhound Foundation, a 501 c3 non-profit organization.
Uh, what?
I thought this reissue was intended to fund the production of the sequel Rocktober Blood 2: Billy’s Revenge. How can you fund the movie with the sales if all of the proceeds are going to a non-profit animal rights organization?
Then another statement was issued that the upcoming IndieGoGo campaign will fund the sequel. The advanced “Early Bird” orders through the Rocktober Blood 2 website will all go—100%—to the Greyhound charity. And the few fans that decided to take the plunge were receiving credit card statements with the notation of “lovepettraining.org” and their order confirmation emails were sent from the “The National Greyhound Foundation.”
The original film’s original title and one of its many overseas titles.
So, it seemed, the film reissue was going through and processed directly by the charity. And since everything looked on the up-and-up and it was supporting a charity, other rock ‘n’ roll flick and bad horror movies fans took the bait. I mean, who doesn’t want to help unwanted and abused dogs?
And the fans waited. And they waited. Their Blus/DVDs-CD combos never arrived as promised. So fans began requesting credit card and Paypal refunds.
Then another official statement via the Rocktober Blood 2 Facebook page was issued with an apology for the shipping delays and that they (Tracy, aka Billy/Panama) were waiting for the discs to be shipped to them. And as soon as those discs are received, they’ll ship out the next day. And the discs did ship out, as fans spoke of their postal tracking indicating that their purchases shipped from Homosassa, Florida (outside of Tampa on Florida’s west coast where Tracy/Billy ran a southern BBQ joint, Smokin’ Ts).
Then their purchase arrived.
Not only were the DVDs and Blus direct-to-disc recordables—they weren’t correlated from a 35mm negative. They weren’t even burned from a 1-inch tape master. They were ripped from an old VHS tape. Adding insult to injury: the CDs were direct-to-disc recordables, ripped from an old vinyl album. More salt in the wound: Yes, the cases were signed “Keep Rockin, Billy” on the plastic dust cover, but not directly on the artwork itself. Once the disc was handled a few times, the signature rubbed off.
So everyone paid $50 bucks—$60 with shipping; overseas fans shelled out $70 because of international shipping fees; in Canada, the final cost was almost $100—for Blus and DVDs (knock off $20 bucks for the DVDs) sourced from a VHS tape and CDs from a vinyl album. Then there were the shipping discrepancies. At $10 domestic shipping in the U.S., the packages could have/should have been sent “Priority.” Instead they were sent “First Class,” which roughly costs $3.00. So, as several rightfully irate U.S. fans posted on the Rocktober Blood 2 Facebook page, horror film, and DVD/Blu-ray blogs—and as Paul Zamarelli publically pointed out via his Analog Archivist platform—where did the other $7.00 go?
Johnny J. (R.I.P, my brother), the ex-boyfriend of my ex, ex-girlfriend, who I male-bonded with over our “love” of the same woman, horror films, and all things Saxon (“Crusader!” was our in-joke greeting) bought one. Wow. Holy grammatical errors and typos, Batman! And the CD of the soundtrack, loaded into two CD players, a car deck, two PCs and a laptop would not play. It was nothing more than a Billy Eye Harper frisbee.
Where’s Arrow Video, Kino Lorber, or Shout Factory when you need ‘em?
Hey, why not? Kiss and Alice had their own frisbees.
Then the question was raised: The original 1984 VHS of Rocktober Blood was released on Vestron Video. Why didn’t Lionsgate, who did a Vestron Blu-ray line, release it? Answer: Vestron’s distribution rights expired somewhere between February 1996 and April 1998 upon the formation of the Artisan Entertainment imprint and all rights reverted back to the Sebastian family—and they refuse any outside companies to reissue their films (thus their formation of Panama Films and Lunaris Records, which created those VHS-ripped DVD-Rs and vinyl-ripped CDs).
Then the complaints, the request for refunds, and fans filing “charge backs” with their credit card companies, ensued. And when Panama Films snapped back at the complaints and disputed the refunds and charge backs, fans started flaming the Rocktober Blood 2, Tracy Sebastian, and Smokin’ T’s Facebook pages.
“Why take a negative to an expensive lab, when I can have it scanned locally at a photo place?” said one of the acidic statements to the fans’ disgust. (Thus admitting the discs were rips and not official presses.)
No more Rocktober Blood 2: Billy’s Revenge.
“Hey, wait a minute. There is no Billy. John, the twin brother of Billy, murdered Billy and pretended to be Billy. No, wait . . . John murdered all those people and framed Billy, right? And Billy was excuted. Then Lynn Starling and Chris dug up Billy’s grave and he was a pile of bones, right? So, uh, wouldn’t ‘John’s Revenge’ be the correct subtitle?”
Yeah, I hear ya, brotherman. That was just one of the many problems with this proposed sequel.
There’s no way of knowing how many of the Blu/DVD CD packs were manufactured, how many were sold and, most importantly, how many refunds were issued. Then there are the printing costs for all of those purported mini-posters and t-shirts sold through the website. All of the social media platforms, the sequel’s website, and the site for Panama Films connected to the project were all shut down shortly after the fiasco came to light. And there was the eBay store used to procure additional film financing that was shut down.
With claims they had a “warehouse full” of the original 1984 theatrical one-sheets and soundtracks, the Sebastians began posting Tracy-as-Billy autographed copies for bid-only. Fair enough. The vintage copies were legit; they weren’t reprints and everyone was satisfied with those purchases. (It wasn’t like when Charles Band sold reprinted Wizard Video big-boxes he purported to be 30-year old ’80s originals; you can watch a two-part Analog Archivist investigation on the Wizard video fiasco here.)
Then the Sebastians started posting other “film memorabilia,” such as “Billy’s actual knife from the film” and “his microphone-sword stand from the film.” Of course, astute horror fans (including myself) compared the posted items to the actual ones from the film and noticed they didn’t resemble each other. And that lead to more complaints and more social media flaming. And, with that, the Ebay store was closed.
To paraphrase Pvt. Hudson from Aliens: “Film over, man! Film over!”
Think fast! Heads Up! Eyes open! Billy Eye Frisbee comin’ at ya!*
Upon the learning of the July 31, 2019, death of Nigel Benjamin, B&S About Movies reviewed Nigel’s music career and took a second look at Rocktober Blood. You can also enjoy a more in-depth investigation—along with photos—on the production history of Rocktober Blood and Nigel Benjamin’s career with the Medium article, “Billy “Eye” Harper: The Rock ’n’ Roll Frankenstein of Nigel Benjamin and Trey Loren.” You can also watch the back catalog of the Sebastians’s drive-in classics at their Sebastian Films LTD You Tube page.
The coolest ’80s rock n’ horror banner, ever, courtesyof Collider.com.
Update: October 30, 2021: As far as we can tell, B&S About Movies was the only site that researched and cobbled all of the message boards, Facebook posts, and You Tube comments, etc. to piece together a timeline of this never-made sequel. To that end, we extend our gratitude to Collider.com/Spencer Whitworthfor crediting us as part of their review of Rocktober Blood — part of their “7 Rock ‘n’ Roll Horror Movies That Crank Cheesiness to Overdrive” feature in celebration of Halloween. It’s a great read!
Update: April 2022: Now it makes sense! The reason for the recent flurry of hits on this review is the official streaming release of Rocktober Blood on Shudder and its simultaneous, limited-edition VHS reissue by Culture Shock Releasing. Grazie, to the fine folks at Lo-Fi Video for the heads up. There’s also an online event screening — courtesy of Nightmare Junkhead — of Rocktober Blood and Black Roses as a “double featrue” via Shudder on April 30th to enjoy with your fellow “No False Metal” fans.
* The mock theatrical one-sheet/VHS cover and Frisbee for this review was created by R.D Francis with typefaces courtesy of PicFont.com and image crop of ImageOnline.com. Kiss Frisbee courtesy of Metal Odyssey and Alice Cooper of HeavySpender eBay.
Ferd Sebastian July 25, 1933 — March 27, 2022 Obituary
About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.
You know, this feels like fish in a barrel. And I debated this review literally being three words: Fuck this movie.
But then Rowhouse Theater — the single screen claustrophobic hipster cesspool that infamously had a strange PC moment before screening El Topo that still upsets me every time I think about it — decided to start showing this movie with live riffing from local hackster comedians and I said, “I owe it to this movie to give it more effort than a bunch of millennial profiteers of mass culture and overpriced beer ever could.
Yet at the end, as the lyrics reminded me that cats are not dogs, I wondered, was it all worth it? Of course it wasn’t.
You know who loves Cats? Warren Beatty, probably. After all, once his film Ishtar was the dictionary definition of a movie failing. Now — maybe not so much.
The budget for this movie was around a hundred million and it made back around $73.5 million of that and it hasn’t hit streaming and video yet. So perhaps the man who made his own Dick Tracy documentary — locking up the rights because he refuses to allow anyone else to play the role — shouldn’t feel so good about himself just yet. This movie could, as yet, make money.
Much like Exorcist II: The Heretic, this movie was continually re-edited while it was still in theaters. Now, today that’s simple and doesn’t require physical prints to be shipped to theaters. But that movie didn’t have a cat with human hands and a wedding ring that needed to be fixed via CGI. The funny thing is, this movie is more horrifying than anything in that movie and no one screams, “TELL ME YOUR DREAM NAME!”
Seriously, the animation houses and SFX guys made a mint on this movie, probably working triple overtime and getting holiday pay.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s play was a big deal in the late 1970’s. And sure, some plays are timeless. But this story — where numerous cats attend the Jellicle Ball, an annual ceremony where they compete for basically the chance to go to Heaven — isn’t all that special to begin with. But see, I wonder when I make fun of it, I mean, I’m never going to write a play that stays on Broadway all these decades or convinces great actors to throw away any shred of dignity that they may have left. I’m just a man writing about Cats on my laptop in the early morning hours of a Sunday and trying to figure out why this film upset me so much.
Have you ever got really drunk and party hopped and then ended up at a house you probably shouldn’t have gone to? You might worry about the drinks or food that you’ve been handed, that you’re going to dosed. And it might appear that the other guests are either going to batter or fuck one another into submission — all while not caring that you’re in attendance. You might end up dead. Or worse.
That’s the feeling that I had while watching this movie. Existential ennui, which is way worse than not just liking a movie. The feeling that yes, everything is wrong.
James Corden and Rebel Wilson made fun of this movie at the Oscars, while at the same time having no issue cashing the paychecks they made from it. Corden reminds me of the 70’s celebrities that SCTV would skewer with The Sammy Maudlin Show, but he has none of the charm or nostalgia value of the glad-handing celebs that once held court on Carson and game shows. Wilson deserves better and I worry with this role that she may not realize it.
I do have to confess that I laughed like an absolute maniac during this movie, perhaps more than I have at any comedy I’ve watched this year. I usually stick to the old school Saturday Night Live rule that funny names are the lowest form of comedy, but there’s a cat named Macavity the Mystery Cat. And a theater cat named Asparagus. And that role is played by Ian McKellen, making this his new career nadir — and that dude was in a bunch of boring movies where shrunken furry-footed men walked and walked and are still walking, somewhere still in the shire. Assuredly, the man would rather have his role of Death in The Last Action Hero on his resume than this.
The cast got to attend a cat school to prepare themselves for this movie. One assumes that they learned how to defecate in boxes, lick themselves, randomly fall asleep and break everything important to everyone. That joke was written by one of my cats, who said that he’s allowed to say that, seeing as how, you know, he’s a cat. Also: I may be writing this review on a variety of substances over the counter, on the bar and under the radar.
Here’s some Cats trivia to see if you’re paying attention: The story is based on T. S. Eliot’s book Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, which is also where most of Sir Peter Ustinov’s dialogue as Old Man in Logan’s Run comes from.
I was doing just fine until the CGI people roaches and mice showed up. Now, I’m losing my marbles.
After The King’s Speech, director Tom Hooper was flying pretty high. Who knows where he goes from here? Does this movie have a second life of ironic jerks loving it in spite of itself? Probably. The same people who never watched a Korean movie in their lives but now are falling all over themselves to tell you about Parasite never miss a trick, you know.
I mean, make no mistake. This is one of the worst — if not the worst — movies that you’ll ever suffer through. I’m not going to romanticize this or tell you it’s so bad it’s good or say that people just don’t understand. Seeing Taylor Swift warble on about “Beautiful Ghosts” or Dame Judi Dench dead staring into your eyes like some kidnap victim forced to beg for her life is like crawling on your knees across concrete on your bloody pilgrimage to a Mexican holy place, except that there’s no chance that God is going to hear your prayers or answer your pleas.
You’re the one who decided to watch this. And there’s no whiff of the divine on the Thames tonight.
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