Box Office Failures Week: Aloha (2015)

Beyond the fact that this movie only made back $26 million on a $52 million dollar budget, Aloha was hit with the issue of whitewashing, as Emma Stone’s character is supposed to be one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Hawaiian, yet is — you know — played by Emma Stone.

Oh Cameron Crowe. You started with Fast Times at Ridgemont High and then, well…

I know, I know. There are plenty of people who adore Jerry Maguire. Some people enjoy Almost Famous. But even less are down with Vanilla Sky. And then, still less like Elizabethtown. Dwindling returns.

This is a big ensemble movie about Hawaii and the air force and it’s kind of, sort of the future and all manner of Hollywood celebrities are in it and it commits a bigger sin than this giant run-on sentence. That sin is that it’s incredibly boring.

Military contractor Brian Gilcrest (Bradley Cooper) is the nexus that this revolves around and most of the movie is about how he’s the wrong guy for every woman, from his ex-girlfriend Tracy (Rachel McAdams) and the space-loving Captain Allison Ng (Stone). Bill Murray shows up as a billionaire who is trying to get into space. Everyone loves space in this movie, which I would too, because it presents Hawaii as perhaps the most ennui-inducing land that has ever been.

John Krasinski, Danny McBride and Alec Baldwin all got roped into this as well. Becca made it approximately twenty minutes into the ride while I stayed buckled in and made it to the close of the film, which is meant to draw deep emotion and motivated me to eject the DVD and try to not snap it in half before I brought it back to the Redbox machine, where this virus of monotony will infect another unknowing subject.

That said — I’ve seen stacks of this movie at Dollar Tree, so if you need some insulation or would like to ruin someone’s life, it makes for a fine and inexpensive gift.

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