ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. You can listen to her podcast at https://thecinemajunction.com. Her latest book is Japanese Cult Cinema: Best of the Second Golden Age. She writes for Horror & Sons and Drive-in Asylum. She has also appeared on the podcasts Japan on Film, Making Tarantino, Making Scorsese, The Rad Revivalhouse and contributes to Cinemaforce. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or follow her on Instagram @jennxlondon.
April 28: Nightmare USA — Celebrate Stephen Thrower’s book by picking a movie from it. Here’s all of them in a list.
The Nail Gun Massacre had three things going for it that allowed it to secure distribution back in the ‘80s.
- A great title.
- It’s a slasher – those were just a wee bit popular in 1982.
- Video stores needed horror stock.
Had it not met all three criteria, this regional horror movie made in Texas for 50 grand would likely be forgotten. Aside from the decent special effects, there’s nothing memorable about it. To quote another famous southerner – Mr. Leghorn – the plot of this film is “…smaller than the little end of nothin’ sharpened.”
There are no character introductions. The movie just jumps right in at frame one to a woman being gang-raped by a bunch of rednecks. Then, a diminutive person in a motorcycle helmet and army fatigues hunts down all the perps and takes them all out with a cool-looking nail gun. In the end, it’s revealed that it’s not the victim doing all the killing, as we’re led to believe. Surprise, surprise! It’s the victim’s brother, Bubba! Reason 3,741 to never visit Texas.
Rewatching this for the first time in many years, I was struck with the same question I was when I first watched it on VHS in the ‘80s. “How many nails would a killer go through to take out one person?” It’s not an effective distance weapon. A nail to the shoulder is hardly fatal. Hell, even several to the face might not kill a person unless it’s square into the temple. A rapey chubby guy with extra padding? You’d have to press right against the jugular. Even then, his protective flesh scarf could skew the entry, potentially postponing his well-deserved death for days or weeks. I mean, a guy got nailed to a chair through his scrotum in The Serpent and the Rainbow and basically walked away.
Perhaps I was spoiled having seen Serpent first, and The Toolbox Murders before this movie. I had seen Dawn of the Dead’s screwdriver zombie kill probably a dozen times by the time Nail Gun Massacre threaded up into my trusty GE VCR. So, this movie never had a chance to win me over.
I felt then, as I do now, that although the masked killer’s weapon of choice looks great, it’s not really all that efficient at killing sexual predators. It’s more suitable for long torture sessions.
But this movie does have a lot going for it. A nail right in the dick? Yeah, this movie’s got that. Which is nice. It also has lots of dark humor. After every murder, the killer rattles off a funny Bond-esque one-liner in a Darth Vader voice. It also has the grossest dinner scene ever. Spaghetti-O’s, collard greens and cream corn. You can smell the combination of odors through the screen.
I’d classify this movie as a Texas giallo. It’s worth watching to see what was possible in the 1980s with such a small budget.
Remember this review the next time you’re out shopping. Whether you’re in your local Home Depot tool aisle or the canned food aisle at Costco….choose wisely. Personally, I’d go for the chainsaw and Beefaroni combo.
Trailer:
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