Krull should have been a blockbuster. But seriously, it’s a mess. A glorious mess. It’s like the craziest game of Dungeons & Dragons you ever played, filled with info about magic and strange lands. It has the most awesome weapon ever seen in probably any movie ever, the Glaive. It has monsters that look amazing. But it also has a somewhat boring hero and heroine surrounded by much more interesting friends. And it’s long and nonsensical.

Yet I love it. I’ve watched it so many times and every single viewing, I love it more and more while being fully aware of its faults. It’s that kind of movie, I guess.

Director Peter Yates (Bullit; Mother, Jugs and Speed; The Deep; Breaking Away; The Dresser) described making Krull as “complicated” and “enormous”. Special effects artist Brian Johnson took that even further, saying that Yates hated working on the film so much that in the middle of shooting, he took a vacation to the Caribbean for three weeks. Yet when he took on the project, he was excited. His previous films were all realistic and he considered Krull a challenge since he would have to rely on imagination and experimentation.

The movie begins with a narrator (Freddie Jones, Goodbye Gemini, Son of Dracula) telling of a prophecy:

“This, it was given to me to know…that many worlds have been enslaved by the Beast and his army, the Slayers. And this, too, was given me to know…that the Beast would come to our world, the world of Krull, and his Black Fortress would be seen in the land. That the smoke of burning villages would darken the sky, and the cries of the dying echo through deserted valleys. But one thing I cannot know, whether the prophecy be true, that a girl of ancient name shall become queen, that she shall choose a king, and that together they shall rule our world, and that their son shall rule the galaxy.”

On the day of Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa’s wedding that will unite the warring kingdoms of Krull, the Beast and his army of demonic Slayers arrive in the Black Fortress, a mountain of a spacecraft. They kill both kings, destroy both armies and leave with the princess.

The injured Prince Colwyn is brought back by Ynyr, the Old One (also played by Freddie Jones) who tells him of the legend of the Glaive, a legendary weapon that can kill the Beast. Colwyn and Ynry form a party with the magician Ergo (David Battley, Mr. Turkentine from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory) and nine criminals who are undertaking the mission to clear their names: the multi-married axe-wielding Kegan (a super young Liam Neeson), Torquil, Rhun (Robbie Coltrane), dagger-loving Bardolph, bo staff user Oswyn, Menno and Darro the whip users, net throwing Nennog (stuntman Bronco McLoughlin) and Quain the archer. They’re soon joined by Rell the cyclops (Bernard Bresslaw, who is also in Hawk the Slayer) and set off to the home of the Emerald Seer and his assistant Titch to see where the Black Fortress will rise.

No sooner than the Emerald Seer finds it, the Beast’s hand rises and crushes his crystal. The Beast and his Slayers are tenacious, killing everyone they can, including Darro, Menno and the Seer, even taking on the scryer’s form before he’s uncovered. That evil Beast even tries to get a woman to seduce Colwyn, but our hero is a little too smart for that.

Meanwhile, Ynyr goes to meet the Widow of the Web, who was an enchantress who had a kid with the magician before she killed their only child. She tells him where the Black Fortress will be and enough enchanted sand to make it back to tell our heroes. She’s killed by a Crystal Spider — the sand had been protecting her — just as he dies telling the band of adventurers.

Honestly, this movie is exactly like playing D&D. There’s a world of adventure and yet people keep getting killed left and right as they stumble around. That said, they do get to ride Fire Mares, which is nice. And Ergo even transforms into a tiger at one point.

Finally, Colwyn does what we wanted all along: he throws the Glaive into the Beast and then to destroy its counterattack, he and Lyssa get married and shoot fire at the monster, sending the Black Fortress into space.

Only Colwyn, Lyssa, Torquil, Oswyn, Ergo and Titch survive. The newly married couple become king and queen with Torquil being named Lord Marshal of their newly combined kingdom. As the survivors run through a field, the narrator repeats the prophecy that the son of the queen and her chosen king shall rule the galaxy.

Krull was shot on 23 sets, ten of them at Pinewood Studios including the monstrous 007 Stage. 16 Clydesdales were trained for months to be Fire Mares. Hundreds of costumes were sewn. 40 stuntmen were on hand. You’ll marvel at just how much money was thrown at a movie that has a completely incomprehensible story. It’s like a teenager got ridiculously high with all of his friends and attempted to be the dungeon master before having the giggles and passing out.

The posters said, “Beyond our time, beyond our universe . . . there is a planet besieged by alien invaders, where a young king must rescue his love from the clutches of the Beast. Or risk the death of his world. KRULL. A world light-years beyond your imagination.” I agree. I love this movie in spite of itself. It’s not afraid to be big and dumb and rambling and for that, I salute it.

You should grab the Mill Creek video store reissue of this on blu ray. The packaging is amazing and it’s a great way to get the movie cheaply. You can get it at most Walmart stores or visit their site.

Joe D’Amato wanted to make a prehistoric movie like Quest for Fire called Adamo ed Eva that read a lot like 1983’s Adam and Eve vs. The Cannibals. However, once he called in Miles O’Keefe to be in the movie, the actor said that he couldn’t be in the film due to moral and religious reasons. One wonders why he was able to work with Joe D’Amato, a guy who made some of the scummiest films around.

Born Aristide Massaccesi, this man of many names had his paws in everything from being a camera operator on Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World to cinematography on What Have You Done to Solange? before directing his own films like Death Smiles on a Murderer, Beyond the Darkness, Antropophagus, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Endgame and so many more. He also worked with porn stars like Rocco Siffredi on Tarzan X – Shame of Jane before being an early innovator of porn-based parodies/cover versions of other works of art, such as Shakespeare porn (Othello 2000), mythology (Hercules – A Sex Adventure), famous icons (Scarface, Amadeus Mozart) and, of course, plenty of looks into the deviance of the Roman empire.

This time around, Aristide Massaccesi is known as David Hills, for those keeping score.

Akronos has found the Geometric Nucleus and is keeping its secret safe when Zor (Ariel from Jubilee) and his men attack the castle. The old king begs his daughter Mila (Lisa Foster, who starred in the Cinemax classic Fanny Hill and later became a special effects artist and video game developer) to find his student Ator (O’Keefe).

Mila gets shot with an arrow pretty much right away, but Ator knows how to use palm leaves and dry ice to heal any wound, a scene which nearly made me fall of my couch in fits of giggles. Soon, she joins Ator and Thong as they battle their way back to the castle, dealing with cannibals and snake gods.

Somehow, Ator also knows how to make a modern hang glider and bombs, which he uses to destroy Zor’s army. After they battle, Ator even wants Zor to live, because he’s a progressive barbarian hero, but the bad guy tries to kill him. Luckily, Thong takes him out.

After all that, Akronos gives the Geometric Nucleus to Ator, who also pulls that old chestnut out that his life is too dangerous to share with her. He takes the Nucleus to a distant land and sets off a nuke.

Yes, I just wrote that. Because I just watched that.

If you want to see this with riffing, it’s called The Cave Dwellers in its Mystery Science Theater 3000 form. But man, a movie like this doesn’t really even need people talking over it. It was shot with no script in order to compete with Conan the Destroyer. How awesome is that?

You can get this from Revok.

Lana Clarkson is back, but this sequel to Barbarian Queen is one in title only, as it’s a completely different story. Here, she played Althalia, who goes from being a princess to leading peasants and an army of female fighters against Arkaris. That said, this is a Roger Corman produced film, so prepare for plenty of women being tortured and menaced in all manner of pre-#metoo ways.

This one is all about a magic scepter that only Althalia has the secret to, but if she uses it, her father — who is missing after a recent battle — will die. Her brother seeks the throne and her ex-kinda boyfriend is all wishy-washy, so she runs into the forest to escape.

There, she finds a group of Amazons who force her to mud wrestle — yes, did I mention this is a Roger Corman produced film? — before allowing her into their tribe. Soon, they’re battling her brother’s soldiers before our heroine is captured and tortured on the rack — again, did I mention Corman produced this? — before escaping and saving all the land.

I never thought that I’d be wistful for Barbarian Queen, but the sequel really leaves a lit to be desired. Somehow, some way, Barbarian Queen III: Revenge of the She-King was announced but never happened.

After co-starring in the first Deathstalker film, Lana Clarkson would return to star in this Roger Corman produced schlockfest. Sadly, despite comedic turns in films like Fast Times at Ridgemont High (she’s Vincent Schiavelli’s wife in a quick scene) and Amazon Women on the Moon (I really need to get to that movie soon), as well as other action films Vice Girls, her career stalled by the early 2000’s. Sure, she did comic conventions and sold autographed memorabilia on her web site, but she was subsidizing her nascent stand-up career — her dream was to be a comedic actress — with a part-time job at the West Hollywood House of Blues.

A month later, she followed famous music producer and noted lunatic Phil Spector back to his mansion and “kissed his gun” in his words. A major trial ended with 19 years of jail time for the creator of the Wall of Sound. But let’s not dwell on the sadness of Clarkson’s end. Let’s celebrate her starring role in a movie that somehow is at once a feminist adventure epic and a misogynistic wallow in the muck.

A peaceful barbarian village — is there any other kind — is all in a tizzy about the wedding of Queen Amethea (Clarkson) to Prince Argan (Frank Zagarino, Tan Zan: The Ultimate Mission). But look out! Lord Aarkur and his men attack, taking Argan and Taramis (Dawn Dunlap, Forbidden World) captive.

You may be thinking — oh cool, this movie is woke and the man is the captive in peril, not the woman, who is the hero — but this is a Roger Corman sword and sorcery movie. So even through Amethea, Estrild (Katt Shea, who went on to direct Stripped to Kill, Poison Ivy and The Rage: Carrie 2) and Tiniara are going to fight and kill lots of evil creatures and baddies, they’re also going to get naked, tortured and me too’d for pretty much the entire film.

I was going to write, “I don’t know the audience for a movie that wants to see barbarian women get raped,” but I totally know the audience.

Let’s try and get past it. Actually, you can’t get past it. But maybe you can get revenge.

By the end of the movie, Estrild is a harem girl, Tiniara has been killed, Taramis becomes Arrakur’s concubine and our main heroine, Amethea, has been tortured repeatedly but comes out on top, tossing the interrogator into a pit of acid after using “her feminine strength to squeeze his manhood painfully” as per Wikipedia. Yes, this is a woman where a woman literally kills with her vagina.

So there’s that, I guess.

Amethea, Argan and the rebels join with a bunch of gladiators in the attack to fight Arrakur’s army. Man, that’s a lot of alliteration. Anyways, our hero fights the big bad and is disarmed and nearly killed before Taramis stabs him in the back and kills him. So even in her moment of triumph, a Corman film reveals that women need treachery to win, not outright skill.

The first film from Corman’s Concorde company, Barbarian Queen was directed by Héctor Olivera as part of a nine-picture deal. Corman wanted low-budget sword-and-sorcery films. Olivera wanted to create more personal film projects. This union led to this film, as well as Cocaine Wars, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, Two to Tango and Play Murder for Me.  I think Corman’s vision won out, sadly.

There’s an in-name-only sequel and Clarkson played a character called Amethea in Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II who has nothing to do with this character. There was also a third film planned.

In later years, Corman has claimed that this movie inspired Xena: Warrior Princess. I must have missed all those episodes where Xena was tied up for most of the story and repeatedly diddled. Seriously, Corman’s movies are more and more troublesome the further we get away from them. I’m all for sleaze and shock, but not when they’re presented to me as empowerment.

Before Aquaman, Jason Momoa was almost another franchise star with this 2011 reimagining of Conan. Directed by Marcus Naspiel (who was also behind the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th) and narrated by Morgan Freeman, it failed at the box office and had mostly negative reviews. That’s never stopped us from loving a movie before, so let’s check it out.

Conan is the son of Corin (Ron Perlman!), who is the chief of the Cimmerians and also a tough dad who doesn’t think his son is ready to hold a sword, despite him beheading several enemies. There’s also this Mask of Acheron that needs put back together, something that big bad Khaler Zym needs to bring his wife back to life. His troops attack Corin’s people, killing everyone but Conan.

Fast forward to Conan’s days as a pirate, where he meets Ela-Shan , a thief and together they embark on a journey to destroy Zym. Conan disfigured Lucius, one of the guards, as a child and goes further now. They learn that Zym seeks Tamara, a descendant of the sorcerers of Acheron, whose death will unleash the mask.

Bob Sapp, who was a major pro wrestling, MMA and pop culture star in Japan plays Ukafa, the leader of Zym’s soldiers. 

Zym and his daughter, Marique (an unrecognizable Rose McGowan who spent six hours a day in makeup for the role) attack a monastery, but Tamara runs away and is saved by Conan. For the rest of the film, Conan fights off many attempts on her life before saving her and recovering the sword that was taken from his father. 

This was also made before Momoa became a big star on Game of Thrones. Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all asked to play Conan’s father, yet refused.

This film felt like a video game cut scene for nearly two hours to me. It’s glossy and filled with CGI, with a huge budget compared to any Conan film that ever came before. Yet it just didn’t have the feel that I was looking for. Perhaps you’ll feel differently.

Look, I can hear you laughing. An 11th-century Viking prince — played by Lee Majors of all people — sets sails for North America to find his missing father, who has been captured by Native Americans. Yes, it’s ridiculous. But it’s also directed by Charles B. Pierce, who brought us The Town That Dreaded Sundown, The Bootleggers, and The Legend of Boggy Creek.

Along with Majors, the film also boasts a packed cast: Cornel Wilde (Gargoyles), Mel Ferrer, Jack Elam, Christopher Connelly (Hot Dog from 1990: The Bronx Warriors), NFL Hall of Famer Deacon Jones, former Tarzan Denny Miller and Kathleen Freeman (Sister Mary Stigmata from The Blues Brothers). Well, in my world it’s a star-studded cast!

It also features Jimmy Clem as Olif. In addition to being in nearly every one of Pierce’s films, he was also famous for owning and breeding one of the most respected and revered Brahman cattle herds in the world.

The major highlight of this film is the wacky mask that Lee Majors wears, along with his little mustache. It’s really quite breathtaking. Really, this movie is beyond ridiculous and it’s kind of shocking that it ever made it to the screen. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love it and won’t try to put it on if you ever visit my house, dear reader. It’s the perfect movie to be enjoyed alongside all manner of mind-altering substances!

Shout! Factory released this movie on a double disk with The Barbarians. You can get it right here.

Ruggero Deodato brings together Richard Lynch, twin muscleheads called the Barbarian Brothers, George Eastman and Michael Berryman and the results are everything you dreamed that they would be. Within the first ten minutes of this film, I had already screamed from my couch in pure glee, so happy to be alive and watching an Italian barbarian movie — times two! — that was unashamed to be this stupid.

The Ragnicks are a tribe of peaceful traveling entertainers. Think sideshow — as they journey on horseback, one of them is even throwing knives to practice. They’ve recently adopted twins — Kutchek and Gore — and are protecting the magic ruby of their tribe. But soon, Kadar (Lynch) takes Queen Canary hostage. The young twins attack, biting off his fingers. However, he promises that if he takes Canary as one of his concubines, that he and his men will never kill the twins.

Kadar is a dude with a plan. A fifteen-year plan, really. He raises each of them separately, telling them their brother is dead, and has them routinely beaten by a masked man — either silver or gold depending on the brother. Then, when they have gone through all the whippings and strength trials ala Conan, they will fight and kill one another. That way, he can keep his promise and keep getting some of that sweet freakshow loving from the queen of the sideshow.

The brothers knock off their helmets — forgot that part of the plan — and escape into the woods where they find their old people who now live in misery. They also find Ismena, a thief who is imprisoned by their old tribe. The Ragnicks believe that this is magic and try to hang the twins, but their necks are just too big to lynch and they win over their old friends.

Hijinks ensue — like arm wrestling George Eastman and battling a dragon in the Forbidden Land. It gets a little long at the end, but the ride there is pretty decent, with the Forbidden Land itself looking like where most of the budget went.

If you’re a fan of the Barbarian Brothers — David and Peter Paul — they also show up in D.C. Cab. It’s kind of amazing to me that they were born in Harford, Connecticut and never ended up in the WWE.

Shout! Factory released this movie alongside the Lee Majors vehicle The Norseman. You can get it right here.

John Terlesky replaces Rick Hill as the Deathstalker and he doesn’t really have the look that Boris Vallejo envisions on the box art for this one. And because Jim Wynorski is directing, you know you’re going to get exactly what you expect out of a sword and sorcery Roger Corman movie: breasts, boobs, bazooms and a few beasts. Maybe some blood if you’re lucky. And perhaps some more sweater meat.

Princess Evie of Jzafir (Monique Gabrielle, Penthouse Pet of the Year for December 1982) has been taken away from her rightful throne by Jarek (John LaZar, Z-Man from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls!) and Sultana (Toni Naples, who shows up in Chopping Mall and Sorceress) and replaced by a clone.

So Evie takes on the secret identity of Reena the Seer and hires Deathstalker to get her kingdom back. They have plenty of adventures — yay! — and maybe even fall in love — aww! — before the end of the film.

Look for Queen Kong from GLOW as the Amazon champion Gorgo in a wrestling scene, if you enjoy that sort of thing.

Is Deathstalker II better than the original? No. It’s pretty stupid. But isn’t that what you’re really coming to these movies for? It’s definitely entertaining and a great escape from reality, though.

You can watch it on Amazon Prime or get it on a Sword and Sorcery four movie set from Shout! Factory.

My wife thinks that the only reason they made sword and sorcery movies was to basically make porn. She doesn’t realize that in 1983 the porn industry was in its VHS heydey, with films finally showing up in video stores. And that the internet didn’t exist, so for teenage boys that wanted to see some flesh, the only choice they had was to find a Penthouse magazine in the woods, sneak some Cinemax After Dark or watch these movies. Or be like me, someone that watches them specifically for the sword and sorcery!

The first of four films about the Deathstalker character, this movie is all about a quest to find a chalice, an amulet and a sword, two of which are held by the wicked sorcerer Munkar. Oh yeah — and when we meet our hero, he’s easily killing monsters and humans alike, then making out with a tied up woman. Because hey, he’s Deathstalker. You got a problem with it?

Deathstalker finds the sword first and frees the thief Salmaron, who goes with him on his quest. On the way, he learns about Munkar’s tournament, which will decide which warrior will inherit his kingdom from Oghris. There are about ten sex scenes before we get there, so my wife might be right about this porn theory. One of those sex scenes is between female warrior Kaira and Deathstalker. Kaira is played by Lana Clarkson, who was in the two Barbarian Queen films, but is perhaps better known for being shot and killed by Phil Spector.

The real reason for the tournament is that Munkar wants to take out his competition. To get them weakened, he invites them to drink and have sex with any of his harem girls before their fights, including Princess Codille (Barbi Benton, who was never a Playmate of the Month, but dated Hugh Hefner and was on the covers of the July 1969, March 1970, May 1972 and December 1985 issues, as well as being in layouts in December 1973 and January 1975; she ended up in B-movies, such as the Halloween rip off, Hospital Massacre).

Munkar is a tricky one — he sends one of his guys made up as the Princess and she fools Deathstalker until he finds that meat. That said, our hero is somewhat woke and doesn’t kill the assassin. The killer pays back that kindness by killing Kaira. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the long transformation scene where said dude changes into Barbi Benton while his penis goes back inside his body, resulting in great pain. It goes on. And on. And then some more. Also, there’s a weird puppet creature that Munkar has, along with a tattoo on his bald head, that likes to eat the eyes of teenagers. So there’s that.

The day of the tournament — please nobody yell Mortal Kombat or Enter the Dragon or Kickboxer or Bloodsport — Salmaron is trapped in the harem (not a bad thing) and Oghris is forced to fight Deathstalker. During their fight, Oghris says that they are friends and demands that our hero leave. Instead, they fight and Oghris has the chance to kill him, but fights fairly and loses. Our hero responds by saying goodbye and killing the guy! What the hell, Deathstalker?

That would have been a better final battle than the one where Deathstalker battles an ogre, but that’s what we get. After all this work and this whole movie and all the sex, Deathstalker doesn’t want any of the magic stuff. He just destroys all of the objects of power as Salmaron leads a harem rebellion. Our hero throws Munkar to the people who rip him to pieces.

Deathstalker isn’t a great hero. He doesn’t have a great quest. He just randomly kills people who have shown him kindness and he throws all the objects of his quest away at the end because he must be some kind of nihilist. But this is one movie that’s all about the journey and not the destination. After all, there’s a great scene where the ogre hammers a man into pulpy liquid while an entire family eats a picnic lunch and cheers him on. Seriously, that scene alone earned this movie most of its decent score. And hey, if you want to see 1980’s breasts and beasts, it’s there for you.

You can watch it on Amazon Prime or get it on a Sword and Sorcery four movie set from Shout! Factory.