Michael Lehmann has a career of ups and downs as a director. His debut was Heathers, which I’d claim as his critical high point. He followed that up with this movie, which was lost in the wake of New World Pictures bankruptcy and then Hudson Hawk, a film which is a cultural touchpoint for a waste of time (and you know that I love it and feel differently than the rest of the world). The rest of his films — Airheads, 40 Days and Nights, My Giant  — are fun films, but stray far from the bombast of his debut.

The Brazilian Cocorada are shapeshifting insects that can become human, newly migrated to a suburban Ohop neighborhood, learning everything about how to be normal from the Sunday paper. Dick (Ed Begley Jr.) gets a job at the nuclear power plant in the hopes that he’ll soon learn how to destroy the world so that only bugs survive.

That mission is soon subverted as the bugs start to become even stranger, if that’s possible. His wife Jane (Stocker Channing, forever Rizo from Grease) becomes addicted to consumerism and doesn’t even notice her husband drifting into an affair. Their son Johnny (Robert Jayne, who went from Night of the Demons 2 to world-class blackjack player) goes from straight A’s to metal and smoking weed. Their daughter Sally becomes pregnant and then a militant lesbian. And even the family dog, Spot, starts killing and eating.

When their mission becomes compromised, Aunt Bea (Dabney Coleman!) is sent to finish the mission, but the Applegates decide they love the humanity they’ve been sent to destroy. They retreat back to the jungle and their neighbors go there to find them in an improbably sweet but appreciably happy ending.

This is yet another movie that has never been released on DVD. Luckily, VHSPS has it.

BONUS: Listen to Becca and I discuss this movie on our podcast.

When I was young, I was too sure of my pop culture loves to ever find love. Or maybe I was just doing things the right way, because my life turned out great. I claimed I’d never be with someone who listened to modern country or pop punk or who would dare to like a movie as inept as Ghost Dad. I’m happy to report that I’m happily married to someone who checks off all of the above.

Sidney Poitier is an American treasure. This is the film that makes you question that status.

Elliot Hopper (Bill Cosby) is a workaholic widower who cares more about work than his family, forgetting his daughter Diane’s (Kimberly Russell, TV’s Head of the Class) birthday in his dogged pursuit of a promotion and company car. To make it up to her, he gives her his car, leading to him riding in a taxi driven by Curtis Burch, a Satanist who drives the car off a bridge into the water, killing Elliot — yes, this is a comedy — and sending his ghost back to his family.

Luckily, his three children can see him when it’s totally dark. He’s then pulled away to London by Sir Edith (Ian Bannen, who died in a car accident in real life), a paranormal researcher who tells him that the powers that be screwed up and he has until Thursday to save his mortal body. Hijinks ensue, with Elliot doing magic tricks with his son Danny, quitting his job and falling in love with Joan (Denise Nicholas, TV’s In the Heat of the Night).

There’s also the not so comedic moment of Diane slipping on roller skates that little sister Amanda left on the steps and breaking her neck. This being a family comedy, everything works out.

The writers of this film were obsessed with ghosts. Phil Alden Robinson (here under the pseudonym Chris Reese) wrote and directed Field of Dreams the year before, while S.S. Wilson and Brent Maddock would go on to direct another movie that my wife loves, Heart and Souls.

It’s kind of hard to watch anything with Bill Cosby in it after the revelations of the last few years. At least this isn’t Leonard Part 6.

Bonus: You can listen to Becca and I discuss this movie on our podcast.

The dream of most long-haired nerds in 1990 — well, this one at least — was to shred on guitar and to date Traci Lords. This movie shows you that the only way to that goal is to find a voodoo woman and sell your soul to the Devil. And if you have to kill people along the way to keep what’s yours, that’s the price you have to pay.

Stephen Quadros stars as Angel Martin (although his solos are played by Nitro guitarist Michael Angelo Batio), a kid who wants to go from the pizza shop to the Sunset Strip by any means necessary. Today, Quadros is better known as an MMA announcer for a large variety of groups, but back in the day, his drumming was so good that Gene Simmons tried him out for KISS.

Once tendonitis flared its ugly head, Quadros went into acting, appearing in a veritable barrage of B-movie delights. He fist fought OJ Simpson in CIA Code Name: Alexa. He fought demons with spin kicks in Demon Wind. And he was the fight coordinator for the DMX/Jet Li vehicle — yes, this happened — Cradle 2 the Grave.

His co-star is the aforementioned Nora Louise Kuzma, who rechristened herself Traci Lords after the first name she always wanted and the surname of the star of Hawaii Five-O, Jack Lord. In 1986, video rental stores across the country scrambled to erase her films from their inventory — she was underage for every one of her films except for Traci, I Love You, the one film she owned the rights to. Supposedly, she was offered big money to stay in the adult industry — I kind of doubt that with all the problems she caused, but money leads as they say — and went mainstream. Between a music career — her album “1000 Fires” is underrated — and modeling, Lords has remained acting ever since.

Here, she plays Lindsay Roberts, the manager of Spastic Colon, a band of fitness dudes who hire Angel. Unbeknownst to all but him, he can live forever if he keeps taking souls. And of course, he falls in love with Lindsay. I mean, who wouldn’t? What woman makes a little hat look as fetching as Traci?

Amazingly, this movie was almost made with Linda Blair playing Lindsay’s part. It’s the producers had their pulse on exactly what I look for in films! And what I look for is muddy, near shot on video demonic possession films with sex symbols in them!

Troy Donahue — who played Merle Johnson in The Godfather Part II and would also appear with Traci in John Waters’ Crybaby — is in here and it’s sadly the last film of screen great Aldo Ray. Again — these are filmmakers who may have asked — what do the fat kids of today want to see? They want to see Aldo Ray be belligerent!

Shock ‘Em Dead is never going to be on anyone’s best movies of all time list. But it’s the kind of movie that I’ll sneak on if you’re too drunk to drive home and crashing on my couch. You’ll wake up and say, “What the hell did we watch last night?” And I’ll just laugh, having led one more soul to this movie and getting one step closer to being a guitar wizard thanks to Satan.

The in-between music in this is used to great effect on Acid Witch’s “Midnight Movies” EP. If you love metal-themed films, I suggest you check it out.

I wonder, after doing an entire week of Andy Sidaris movies, if these quick descriptions of what they’re all about at the beginning of each article are starting to seem repetitive. To wit: a new enemy appears and menaces gorgeous male and female secret agents who use inventive weapons and double entendres to defeat them. It’s not me who is repetitive, I fear. And I have like eight more Sidaris movies left to get to! I should just shut up and get in the hot tub before more killers show up.

A brutal murder in Las Vegas starts off this adventure, which brings in new villain Juan “Jack of Diamonds” Degas, played by Erik Estrada. Donna returns, again played by Dona Speir, but Taryn is missing in action.

Degas wants to smuggle next-generation technology weaponry into the United States, but he’s decided to do it through Miami, which means that he needs to get the L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents out of the way, starting with Donna and newcomer Nicole (Roberta Vasquez, who was Pantera in Picasso Trigger).

This bad guy takes things even further by kidnapping Donna’s mom, which means that he’s going to die like all Andy Sidaris villains: at the end of a rocket launcher. Yes, there are also remote controlled boat bombs, double crosses and ninjas. You just kind of expect these things by now. What you may not expect is an incredibly young Danny Trejo to show up as one of the henchmen, which was a cool surprise.

Edy from past films shows up again as a lounge singer who performs several times, including a song all about, well, guns. And there’s fine dialogue such as “Hiya my ass!” as a ninja is shot and Donna screaming “Don’t just do something! Stand there!”

I recommend not watching these films until it’s so absurdly late that it’s become early. They work best that way.

You can get this on blu ray from Mill Creek Entertainment.

Joe Dante is one of my favorite directors of all time. It could be because he also grew up loving monsters, even writing for the zine Castle of Frankenstein before becoming a bona fide director. Or perhaps it’s all the Easter Eggs he puts in his films. It’s probably because each barely contains a lunatic zeal, as if they come right out and say, “I can’t believe someone is paying us to make this movie!”

The original Gremlins was a big financial success and Warner Brothers wanted Dante to make a sequel right away. However, Dante saw that movie as having a finite end, it was a rough experience making the movie and he only saw the sequel as a way to make money. So Warner Brothers moved on without him, inventing all manner of situations where the Gremlins would end up on Mars or in Las Vegas. Finally, they asked Dante one more time and he asked for triple the budget of the original and complete creative control. He got it. Oh boy, did he.

Dante has always felt that too much time has passed between the two films and that the strange cable universe only suggested by this movie has become way too true. Sure, it has. But what I really love about this one is that it tells you right from the beginning that nothing is going to make sense, so just sit back and enjoy it. This is to quote Dante, “one of the more unconventional studio pictures ever.” It’s also probably his most personal film.

While this movie begins — after the Looney Tunes intro we’ll discuss in a bit — in a very ordinary way, by the end it has completely embraced being a cartoon, made in a world where physics and logic don’t apply. What other movie would invite critic Leonard Maltin, who hated the first, to savage that film before the Gremlins murder him?

Mr. Wing (Keye Luke, returning for a cameo) is the last hold out in Chinatown, unable to leave his shop of mysteries and allow it to be razed for the new state-of-the-art Clamp Center, the new headquarters of billionaire Ted Turner/Donald Trump hybrid clone Daniel Clamp (John Glover, who makes any movie he appears in instantly better).

The elderly man dies and Gizmo ends up becoming the test subject of Dr. Catheter (Christopher Lee, who apologized to Dante for being in The Howling 2) and his team of maniacs. He’s soon rescued by the returning Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan) and his now-fiancee Kate Beringer(Phoebe Cates, who really would have been a perfect giallo actress and now I bet you can’t get that idea out of your head either).

Clamp ends up meeting Billy, who works in the concept design area, and becomes his friend. That also means that his superior Marla Bloodstone (Haviland Morris, Sixteen Candles, Home Alone) gets attracted to him and starts her pursuit to the consternation of Kate.

Meanwhile, Gizmo gets wet all over again and spawns George, Lenny, Daffy and the most insidious of all mogwai, Mohawk. I mean, this guy is evil even before he makes the change. Soon, they’re tying up Gizmo and electrocuting him, ripping off his fur and hitting him with toy trains.

If you know the rules of the mogwai, of course these bad boys are going to get wet and multiply further, as well as eat after midnight and go full gremlin. It gets even worse when they get into the lab and start trying every formula they can get their hands on, like a mutagen that creates a brainy gremlin voiced by Tony Randall, a vegetable gremlin, an electrical gremlin, a bat gremlin who can’t be destroyed by bright light, a spider gremlin and hundreds more.

Meanwhile, horror movie host Grandpa Fred (Robert Prosky, The Great Outdoors, Christine) turns into an investigative journalist with the help of Japanese tourist Mr. Katsuji (Gedde Watanabe, who played perhaps the most racist character ever, Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles) and the world discovers that monsters have taken over the Clamp building. Also, Murray and Sheila Futterman (Dick Miller and Jackie Joseph) have come to town at exactly the wrong time.

There’s also a completely bonkers moment where Dante involves you, the audience, in the film. Just like in The Tinger when the titular monster breaks free in the theater, the gremlins take over the projection booth, making shadow puppets and showing the nudie cutie movie Volleyball Holiday. Then, Part Bartel as the manager of the theater enlists Hulk Hogan’s help to quell the rebellion of the gremlins. This scene never appeared on home video releases until DVD. That’s because in the TV/video version, the gremlins take over your TV and do shadow puppetry over white noise before changing the channels and finding the John Wayne movie Chisum. The Duke forces the gremlins to settle down. Lee’s voice here was done by Chad Everett.

It’s audacious that this was even allowed to happen, as the studio worried that audiences would just leave. Dante countered by having a test screening where people loved this segment. For once, test screening made a better movie!

Believe it or not, the original cut was even longer. Executive producer Steven Spielberg claimed that there were too many gremlins and several scenes were cut. Way to keep it fun, Steven!

Back to Looney Tunes. Joe Dante talked Chuck Jones into coming out of retirement to animate the opening, which sets the tone for chaos. In fact, instead of the friendly Bugs Bunny introducing the movie, the near-manic Daffy Duck just takes over. In the video version, there is even more of this beginning, including Daffy misspelling the movie as Gremlin Stew and deciding to name it The Return of Super-Daffy Meets Gremlins 2 Part 6: The Movie. This was cut because audiences expected a live-action film and were confused thinking they were watching a cartoon.

Daffy even comes back at the end, as Daffy pops in and out making comments before Porky Pig ends the film. He comes back again and takes over for Porky before the Warner Brothers logo smashes him.

There are so many crazy secrets in this movie. I’ll try and share a few of my favorites.

The end of the world tape that Clamp keeps to show when and if that ever happens is based on the very real Armageddon tape that Ted Turner had instructed CNN to create.

Sylvester Stallone gave his endorsement for Gizmo to dress up as Rambo.

The musical number is stolen nearly shot for shot from the 1934 Busby Berkely musical Dames.

Randall Peltzer, Billy’s dad, was supposed to return after the gremlins were killed at the end and give to Gizmo his newest invention, a wet-suit to keep him from ever getting wet again. The scene was set, Hoyt Axton was available, but everyone thought the movie was too long and the scene would never be shown, so they didn’t shoot it.

If you listen to Gizmo speak to people, he doesn’t always say their names. He refers to Mr. Wing by his real name Keye Luke. And when he meets John Astin, who plays a janitor, he calls him Gomez.

There are music cues from past horror movies used throughout, such as the song from Tarantula when Mohawk transforms into the spider gremlin, the theme from The ‘Burbs when the bat gremlin flies away and a Hammer-esque song when Christopher Lee is in his lab.

Vectorscope Labs has an office in the Clamp building. That’s the company from Dante’s Innerspace. Dr. Quatermass also keeps an office there.

There’s so much to remember here that every time I think I’ve finished writing this, I think of something else, like the Phantom of the Opera gremlin or the fact that Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith are in the salad bar.

Regardless, I love this movie. It continually takes huge bloody bites out of the studio hand that fed it — way after midnight — multiplying and becoming better by the second. It is that most rare of sequels that eclipses the original by many miles.

Lana Clarkson is back, but this sequel to Barbarian Queen is one in title only, as it’s a completely different story. Here, she played Althalia, who goes from being a princess to leading peasants and an army of female fighters against Arkaris. That said, this is a Roger Corman produced film, so prepare for plenty of women being tortured and menaced in all manner of pre-#metoo ways.

This one is all about a magic scepter that only Althalia has the secret to, but if she uses it, her father — who is missing after a recent battle — will die. Her brother seeks the throne and her ex-kinda boyfriend is all wishy-washy, so she runs into the forest to escape.

There, she finds a group of Amazons who force her to mud wrestle — yes, did I mention this is a Roger Corman produced film? — before allowing her into their tribe. Soon, they’re battling her brother’s soldiers before our heroine is captured and tortured on the rack — again, did I mention Corman produced this? — before escaping and saving all the land.

I never thought that I’d be wistful for Barbarian Queen, but the sequel really leaves a lit to be desired. Somehow, some way, Barbarian Queen III: Revenge of the She-King was announced but never happened.

In the small town of Pakoe, a woman is decapitated by a killer wearing swimming goggles and a burlap sack. He’s already killed before and chances are, he’s going to kill again unless sheriff Carl Carson can stop him. Soon, the killings will pile up and the killer will get cocky and taunt Carson via phone. But just who is he?

The Night Brings Charlie came late to the slasher cycle, coming out in 1990 from director Tom Logan (Shakma) and writer Bruce Carson.

Everyone believes that the killer is Charlie Puckett, a disfigured gardener who has to wear a mask similar to the description of the killer. He’s brought in for questioning but refuses to talk until he speaks with Walt, the coroner who served with him in Vietnam. Carson has doubts about the confession, so he sets a trap for the killer, who ends up being Walt. Yep, back in Vietnam, he killed a girl and was discharged. Now, his urge to kill has come back.

But wait – Walt says that Charlie a killer too. He helped kill the girl back in the war and he’s killed everyone else after the second victim. Now, Charlie is coming after the kids in town and there’s a chance to Carson won’t be able to save them in time. So who is the killer? And can anyone be saved in time? And how awesome is it when people are set on fire?

This isn’t an easy movie to find, so I’d like to thank friend of the site John S. Berry for sending it my way.

Say what you will about Claudio Fragasso. From the films he co-wrote with his Rossella Drudi for Bruno Mattei, like Robowar, Zombi 3, Rats: Night of Terror, The Other Hell and Shocking Dark to the films he’s either co-directed or directed, such as Scalps, Troll 2 and Beyond Darkness, he’s created movies that you can see as inept and strange that were made by someone who has no understanding of how human beings think, act or speak. Or you can see it my way — they are works of pure genius, the fruits of a demented mind that doesn’t need to be grounded by such concerns as budget, traditional storytelling or common sense.

Fragasso saw this as a tense psychological thriller with little to no gore and the original cut of the film resembled his vision. However, the producers wanted more violence, so they brought in Bruno Mattei to add the gore. Those very same producers also retitled the film Non Aprite Quella Porta 3 (Don’t Open the Door 3) so that it would appear to be another film in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series (yep, this is getting into La Casa/Demons territory).

Within the first eight minutes of this movie, we’ve seen nudity, aerobics dancing on stage while a director has a near meltdown of amateur acting proportions, the killer disemboweling two women and the director falling off a balcony to her death, all set to some of the most chipper synth turns you’ve ever heard. Buckle up — this movie gets even weirder from here.

The film picks back up after the quick credits to introduce us to Melanie (Tara Buckman from Silent Night, Deadly Night; The Cannonball Run; Joe D’Amato’s Blue Angel Cafe and Never Too Young to Die, the kind of credits that make you royalty around these parts), who is tooling around in a flimsy negligee while some dude picks up her daughter Clarissa and delivers her to another woman. Soon, she’s furiously typing and smoking in a sweater that reveals one shoulder, all while she’s wearing a blue scarf. She also has a teddy bear on her desk that the camera focuses on, which is yet another Fragasso directorial tic.

It seems like our heroine has two phone lines to handle all the calls she gets, which are mostly harassment from her ex-husband. One dude that calls her is so upset that he smashes a glass in his hand while bellowing, “Melanie? Melanie! MELANIE!”

What soon follows is one of the most batshit moments I’ve seen in film (imagine how much that statement covers), as Melanie gives herself a breast exam in front of a mirror while saying, “Well here you are, Melanie Beck. This is you. You have a daughter, you’ve got a marriage on the rocks and nothing but gray skies ahead.” Soon, another phone line rings and another voice says, “You’re a fine looking woman, Beck. Just begging to be fucked senseless.”

Imagine if Cobra Commander called you and wanted you to talk him off. That’s the Night Killer. Let’s talk about the villain of this film. He has a face kind of sort of like Freddy, but instead of attacking you in your dreams, he relies on the aforementioned obscene phone calls. He also has a clawed hand, but instead of sharp razor-like knives, he has bendy rubber fingers. They’re either really sharp or he’s really strong because he keeps punching women through the stomach in an insert shot that looks like the same effect every single time.

Melanie calls the police for advice and trust me, these cops are second to the dumb fuzz in Stagefright. Officer Gabrielle asks for her phone number, to which Melanie tearfully replies, “I have two lines.” The cop is unfazed. “Give me both numbers.” Dialogue like this is why you have not only Fragasso but his wife Rossella writing your script.

The cops tell her to lock herself in the house and not let anyone in, but this being an Italian horror movie, they’re going to rip off that “the calls are coming from inside the house” moment from Black Christmas at the very beginning of the film, instead of waiting for the end. The Night Killer is in the house and horny!

The Night Killer may not be able to haunt your dreams, but he can certainly imitate voices, as he calls the cops back as Melanie’s husband and then survives getting shot at by her. He then whispers more sweet nothings before kidnapping her for eight hours. Why doesn’t he kill her? Who knows!

We cut to a hospital where a cop and a fake Dr. Loomis named Dr. Willow are discussing the case. She’s seen the killer’s face, but now she can’t remember who he is and even the fact that she has a daughter. And now we have a reporter wearing an outfit that can best be described as Italian cowboy ala 1990, as she interviews the next door neighbor who had the gift for Melanie’s daughter, who shows off the scar the Night Killer gave him and discusses how he and his wife have temporary custody of Clarissa. His wife then tops every bad performance you’ve ever seen in a Fragasso film with a line reading that can charitably be described as vapidly morose. This is also when we learn that Clarissa’s dad was a cop kicked off the force for excessive violence.

I remember in seventh grade English that our teacher told us that in a mystery story, there’s no extraneous information. Everything could be a clue and that we had to learn to listen for them and discover how each small piece of the puzzle adds up to the solution to the crime. Obviously, she had never seen a Claudio Fragaasso film, where red herrings are thrown with the force of Major League Baseball fastballs right at your brainstem.

Note: Nearly every woman in this movie wears a fur coat.

With that in mind, we catch up to Melanie who is driving around in her convertible when Axel (Peter Hooten, who we all remember was the 1970’s Dr. Strange, as well as appearing in the truly ridiculous Slashed Dreams/Sunburst, Orca, 2020 Texas Gladiators and Just a Damned Soldier with B&S About Movies all-star Mark Gregory) drives up to her and starts sexually harassing her. He follows her into a women’s bathroom where she pulls out a gun and forces him to disrobe, then flushes all of his clothes down the toilet. If you learn anything from Night Killer, this is where you will learn that Peter Hooten has massive balls. I’m not talking nerves of steel. I’m worried that his massive testicles are about to burst that purple thong he’s wearing.

There are times in my life where I laugh so hard that I lose consciousness, where it feels like I can see through the very fabric of reality and I need to hold onto this plane of existence so that I don’t push my soul into another plane. One of these moments happened during this scene, as Axel chases after Melanie in his boxers. A guy at the front desk looks up and says, “Hey bud, what happened to your clothes?” Axel replies, “I got molested…in the little boy’s room!”

Melanie follows this moment of insanity by going to the beach, setting up a blanket, laying out all of her booze and the biggest prescription pill bottles you’ve ever seen in your life and proceeding to overdose. Axel arrives just in time and fully dressed, taking her into the seawater, which he claims is the only cure.

Axel: What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Melanie: Committing…suicide…

Axel: Well you gotta drink seawater so you can throw up all of that shit you’ve been taking!

Melanie: Are you…crazy?

Has Claudio Fragasso discovered the hidden secret to the opioid epidemic? Is it having Peter Hooten get you in a doggy style Heimlich maneuver while making you ingest H2O and NaCL as stirring synth music plays?

Keep in mind that we are literally one third through this movie and it’s already blown my mind numerous times. Folks, this is why you watch Italian ripoff cinema.

We cut to a dinner party where a drunk blonde girl is talking to a mysterious stranger. “You want me to go with you? Where? I wasn’t born yesterday. If a stranger asks for something, there’s a rat in somewhere. What my mama used to always say. But seeing as how I could never stand the sight of the old lady, I’ll come out with you and risk the unknown. To hell with the old bitch, here’s to the unknown!”

Melanie wakes up in a strange hotel room as more synths play.

We then cut right back to another room that’s filled with paintings of the Night Killer that look like the work of a small child. Our villain then takes that blonde from the bar into his apartment, puts on his mask and glove, and she says, “What are you doing?” Again, indulge me as I transcribe this dialogue.

Night Killer: Do you know the story of Little Red Riding Hood?

Girl: Sure. Ah. I get it. I’m Little Red Riding Hood and you’re the big bad wolf. You know, I think I’m just a little tipsy.

Night Killer: Go on with the story.

Girl: Oh grandmother, what big claws you have.

Night Killer: All the better to hold you with.

Girl: What a nutcase!

Night Killer: Don’t stop.

Girl: OK. Granny, what a big, ugly mug you have. Well? Now you’re the one who’s stopped. Oh, why grandmother. What big schlong you have. I don’t like this game anymore. Please take me home.

That’s when the Night Killer murders her by repeatedly shoving her face into liquid latex before he, of course, punches her through the stomach. It’s his signature move, after all! He then fondles her and tells her dead body that now, they’ll make love and he kisses her.

We cut back to Melanie locked in the hotel room with Axel, who comes in with a fresh box of KFC and her clothes dry cleaned. How long was she out? He goes through her pills (“Valium. Syringe. A gun! Barbituates!” which is dialogue that sounds like a Queens of the Stone Age song.) Melanie then puts a gun to her own head, to which Axel replies by eating fried chicken right in her face. “Takes balls to kill yourself. And the only person with those around here in the right place? Yours truly.” Yes, Peter Hooten. We’ve seen your giant massive beanbag, so we’ll agree.

Axel somehow gets her gun and puts it in her mouth, telling her he’s going to kill her when he says so, when she least expects it. He tells her that he’s her master and she lays down on the bed. They make a pact as he puts a switchblade up against her face. He then decides to go out and let off a little steam, leaving her locked up with all his fried chicken.

We then cut to an aquarium, where a doctor checks an overflow valve. The Night Killer shows up, slowly chasing her before feeling her up and ripping open her blouse. She screams and runs as he gives ever so slowly chase. I’ve seen plenty of girls run in slasher movies, but never one as lazy as this. She soon pays by taking the Night Killer’s big move backward.

Melanie isn’t doing well. She’s written “I kill you kill me” on the mirror in lipstick. Axel comes back to tie her to the bed as we get long shots of Hooten slicing up fabric against his manly chest.

More news footage follows as we see a press conference interrupted by the victim from the aquarium being loaded into an ambulance. “The maniac tore her into pieces and fed her to the fish. It’s enough to hurt my stomach thinking about it!” yells a cop. Hey look! It’s Claudio Fragasso as a reporter hitting the cop car window, trying to get more of the story!

We’re back to Melanie and Axel in bed, as he kisses her and she asks to be untied. Somehow, this movie went from A Nightmare on Elm Street to Fifty Shades of Spaghetti. Or, more likely, The Devil’s Honey. Of course, they make love.

Another press conference follows as the media wants to know where Melanie is. Dr. Willow fills them in, as he explains how the Night Killer has impacted Melaine’s life.

Dr. Willow: Melanie Beck is living in a state of dissociative schizophrenia, triggered by the trauma of the experience she was forced to undergo. The poor woman went through the most traumatic ordeal that a human being can experience. A clinical examination of the patient revealed an inordinate amount of seminal fluid. The pure evil of the violence that was put upon her has unhinged her mind. The patient now has a very fragile grip on reality.

There’s also an insane theory by the doctor here where he believes that she gave in during her eight-hour ordeal so that she could survive and now, she’s punishing herself and wants to kill herself as the result. It kind of reminds me of that scene where all the old men discuss how a woman should behave in The Entity. The doctor claims if she goes through the same ordeal again, she’d be back to normal. But then, the psycho would recognize her and kill her.

One of the few movies that Lee Lively, who plays Dr. Willow, was in other than Night Killer was the Barbara Streisand vehicle The Prince of Tides, a fact that pleases me inordinately.

Peter Hooten is all sweaty and drinking outside the hotel room when Melanie decides to put a bullet into her mirror, leading him to do a spit take. No normal human being would ever make a movie that combines all of the words I’ve just said above this other than Fragasso.

The cops find Melanie’s car, but now they’re arguing with Dr. Willow, who had a plan to catch the Night Killer that has gone to hell.

Another press conference. Another fur coat. Now, the police reveal that they think the Night Killer has abducted Melanie. We cut to a Christmas tree as the next door neighbor watches the press conference. And the manager of the hotel calls the police to tell them he’s found Melanie.

The black cop gets to the hotel just in time to get jumped. And the next door neighbor grabs a gun and decides to go out after the Night Killer. Dude, seriously, I’m in the dark. Is he her ex-husband? Is the kidnapper her ex-husband? And now the neighbor’s wife is going crazy! How many red herrings can one movie have? When Fragasso at the helm, the number is beyond comprehension.

Melanie has on yet another fur — and the largest hat ever — as her kidnapper makes a taunting call to the cops, leading to her escaping. The tension is, well, not palpable, but there sure are a lot of f-bombs.

Now we have a multiple person chase with Melanie running, the kidnapper chasing her and the neighbor saying that he’s trying to help her as a sad saxophone plays and the kidnapper screams, “NO!”

The neighbor tells Melanie to lock herself in the house — that worked so well last time — while he gets help and her daughter. She watches as a man calls her from a pay phone outside her window. It’s the Night Killer! He’s back! She’s shocked and screams, but come on. Who else would it be? The phone rings again and there he is — back in the house. The Night Killer reveals himself to be the next door neighbor, who we finally learn is named Sherman. He claims that his wife is right, that she’s a bitch in heat and Mrs. Beck is the reason why he’s scarred for life.

We flash back to how he tortured her, which is the same way that Axel treated her. So wait — was Axel a cop and maybe even her ex-husband doing the same torture so that Melanie would remember who the killer was? What kind of cops and psychologists are these people? Also: all of these memories appear in a weird haze with liquid effects over everything.

Melanie comes on to the Night Killer, telling him how much she missed how he touched her, kissing him and cooing in his ear. She finds his knife and stabs him right in the cockmeat. Axel arrives just in time, jumping through a glass window and firing multiple bullets into Sherman. Melanie and Axel embrace, so I guess he is her ex-husband?

If you think this movie is going to end without more press conferences, you haven’t been paying attention. Dr. Willow says that Mr. and Mrs. Beck were guinea pigs and they had to make her relive this all to find the killer. Seriously, these are the worst cops and people ever. Axel Beck isn’t just getting his job back, he’s getting a promotion. And now, he’s back in bed with his wife and daughter. Seems like a happy ending, right?

Nope. Clarissa interacts with a gift box in the slowest of motion, carrying it lovingly up the steps as we catch up with the Becks in bed. Now, Clarissa is jumping up and down on the bed, ever so languidly unwrapping the gift. You just know what was inside the box — the Night Killer’s mask.

Clarissa is wearing it, as she ends the movie by saying, “Do you recognize me Miss Beck? I’m back. Just for you. Just for you!” and laughing.

Not since the end of Rats: Night of Terror has Fragasso pulled off an ending this audacious. Some would say moronic. Not me. After all, the Night Killer had to give Clarissa that gift before Axel kidnapped his own wife, knowing that they would kill him and Sherman/Night Killer would have to somehow teach her — or maybe his wife did it — how to talk like the Night Killer. Or maybe the mask is possessed? And why did he switch from claws to a switchblade and gun?

This movie is utterly confounding. This is why traditional movies end up boring me, because they make too much sense. If you’re looking for narrative jumps that leap into orbit, if you’re seeking out the unhinged, if you have ever wanted to watch a movie that goes from Elm Street to giallo to pre-Seven box related ending five years before that film was released and if you watched Troll 2 and said, “But what if the same people made a movie that makes even less sense?”, please consider this a strong recommendation.

Want to see it for yourself? You can order it like I did from Cult Action.

UPDATE: Of course, Severin put this out. I feel like I have to make some kind of blood sacrifice to pay them back at this rate.