When someone asks, “What was Julia Roberts’ first movie?” you can tell them it was as Babs in the 1987 sex comedy Firehouse, despite her not appearing in the credits. She’d have to wait until the next year and Satisfaction to see her name up on the screen.

This was made by J. Christian Ingvordsen, who would eventually go full auteur and write, direct and star in Blue Vengeance. Here, however, he’s made a film about some young ladies who have to deal with the seamier side of firefighting and convince the boys that they can make it.

Take it from someone who watched but this and Fireballs. They’re both horrible, but at least that one has some a talking bird and aggressively tries to be so bad. This one just…is.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

On Rotten Tomatoes, this movie has a rare approval rating of 0%, meaning no favorable reviews whatsoever. I’m going to say it right here and now: fuck you Rotten Tomatoes. Fuck you for ruining great looking posters with your shitty logo, fuck you for weaponizing criticism and fuck you for not having the sense of humor collectively to love this movie.

Well, I feel better. I’m also never getting to be a certified viewer on that site.

When he’s not talking to his fish Birdie, Commandant Eric Lassard has a good idea every now and then. Because the police force is overworked and understaffed, he’s recruiting civilian volunteers to work with his officers in a program called “Citizens On Patrol” (COP).

This movie neatly reinvents the premise of the first film, with Sergeant Carey Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg), Hightower (Bubba Smith), Jones (Michael Winslow), Tackleberry (David Graf), Sweetchuck (Tim Kazurisnky), Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait), Tackleberry’s wife Kathleen (Colleen Camp), Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), Hooks (Marion Ramsey), and Nagata (Brian Tochi) training the new class while Captain Harris (G.W. Bailey) and Proctor (Lance Kinsey) back to torment them.

The Citizens on Patrol are played by Corinne Bohrer as Zed’s love interest Laura (she’s also in Joysticks, the immortal Surf II, Zapped! and Stewardess School, so you know she’s in my soul); voiceover actor Derek McGrath as Milt Butterworth; Scott Thomson — not from Kids In the Hall — as Sgt. Chad Copeland; Billie Bird as Tackleberry’s new best friend Mrs. Lois Feldman; David Spade (with Tony Hawk doing his skateboard stunts) as Kyle Rumford; Brian Backer (Rat from Fast Times At Ridgemont High) as Arnie Lewis and Tab Thacker (who would return to the series) as Tommy “House” Conklin.

If you were a skater back in 1987, this movie meant a lot to you. Beyond Hawk, Steve Caballero, Chris Miller, Tommy Guerrero, Lance Mountain and Mike McGill — pretty much the entire Bones Brigade — do an elaborate skating sequence. Stacy Peralta worked as the second-unit director on the film and ended up having to replace Hawk as David Spade’s stunt double as he was too tall.

They skate to Woodbine Centre, where Shazam! and The Freshman were also filmed before they get busted and forced into the COP — again, much like Mahoney in the initial film in this series.

Randall “Tex” Cobb and several gangs — including ninjas — end the movie pretty much reenacting Death Wish 3 without all the rape and gore.

Also, in the tradition of future big stars being in these movies, Sharon Stone plays Mahoney’s love interest. She attributes the collapse of her first marriage to why she made this movie, saying “hanging out with a gang of comedians, it was the best therapy.”

While this movie was being made, the cast also appeared in a full-motion Police Academy video game for Hasbro’s NEMO console. NBA Jam creator Mark Turmell told Polgyon, ““We actually made an interactive Police Academy game,” he says. “With the actors. We actually went down and had all of the production, weeks of filming, and it was all interactive. You could choose this path or that path. Everything was a big flow chart — that was a very exciting project.”

When Hasbro pulled the funding for the VHS powered video game system, the footage went away too. Somewhere, it still exists — a lost Police Academy film.

Wondering why Summer School is still funny 33 years later and a lot of these Police Academy-style movies are dated? It was directed by Carl Reiner, who knows funny.

It was written by Jeff Franklin, who was also behind Just One of the Guys and created Full House and its Netflix spin-off Fuller House, which he was removed from after #metoo complaints. Oddly enough, he owned 10050 Cielo Drive, which he demolished and replaced with a new house before listing it for sale in 2019.

Phys Ed teacher Freddy Shoop (Mark Harmon) just wants school to be over so that he can go to Hawaii, but when Mr. Dearadorian (Reiner) retires, he gets stuck teaching summer school.

He’s left with the worst kids in school for the best time of being a teacher, which would be summer vacation. There’s Pam (a pre-Melrose Place Courtney Thorne-Smith), male exotic dancer Larry (Ken Olandt, syndicated series Super Force); Kevin the jock (Patrick Labyorteaux brother to Matthew), pregnant Rhonda (Shawnee Smith, The Blob), Alan the nerd (Richard Steven Horvitz, the voice of Alpha 5 in Power Rangers), Jerome (Duane Davis, who was in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master), exchange student Anna-Maria (Fabiana Udenio, Alotta Fagina from Austin Powers), Denise (Kelly Jo Minter, Maria from The Lost Boys) and horror film lovers Dave (Gary Riley, Charlie from Stand by Me) and Chainsaw, who is played by Dean Cameron, who this horror-obsessed fan knows was Ralph in Bad Dreams and Ralph the vampire in Rockula.

Will Freddy get Robin the history teacher (Kirstie Alley) to fall for him? Will the kids all graduate? Will there be an extended viewing of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Will hijinks, as I always say, ensue?

Of course.

This is the only Danny Elfman soundtrack that has never been released. There’s also E.G. Daily’s “Mind Over Matter,” which was originally a Debbie Harry song that she recorded and had some success with.

Ah man. More people should know about this movie. Here’s hoping that my little write-up convinces you to give it a chance.

Roger Moore was out and Timothy Dalton was in, along with the return of an Aston Martin to Bond films. This would also be the last 007 film to be named for a Fleming book until Casino Royale. It also has one of the few themes not recorded by a British or American artist, with Norwegian pop-music group A-ha contributing “The Living Daylights.”

There was a big search for the new Bond, with Sam Neill, Pierce Brosnan and Dalton all in the lead. Brosnan actually was the first choice, but when word got out, his series Remington Steele went up in the ratings and NBC decided to keep his contract. Brosnan lost out, the series was still canceled and he’d have to wait some time to play Bond.

Supposedly, Christopher Reeve was offered the role as well, but I can’t see him as Bond.

This film is about the end of Cold War tensions between the UK and Russia, most specifically MI6 and the KGB. A false defection, Joe Don Baker as an arms dealer, Maryam d’Abo as love interest Kara Milovy and plenty of sniper scenes. Felix Leiter even shows up.

Dalton’s Bond is a definite change from Moore. It’s closer to the books, a man who lives on the edge and is constantly at odds with what he must do. There’s less room for jokes and gadgets here. Your mileage may vary based on the era of Bond that you love best.

Joe Don Baker would later play CIA agent Jack Wade in GoldenEye and Tomorrow Never Dies, making him — along with Charles Gray and Walter Gotell — one of three actors to play both an adversary and an ally of Bond.

John Norman is a professor of philosophy and the creator of the Gor series of books, which are basically male-dominated bondage science fiction fantasies that also feature critiques of modern society and the exploration of philosophical themes from a Nietzschean view. And you thought Incels were a brand new thing, huh?

The series began in 1966 with Tarnsman of Gor — which this movie is based on — and was put on hold when DAW refused to publish the twenty-fifth installment, Magicians of Gor in 1988. The series returned in 2001 with Witness of Gor. There’s also an entire subculture called Gorean flourishes online, as you can only imagine that it would.

So yeah. Somehow, this got made. And so did a sequel, Outlaw of Gor.

Professor of physics Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini, Demons, Opera) is pretty much a loser with the ladies until he gets a magical ring that sends him to the world of Gor. Think Den from Heavy Metal and you have the picture.

He also comes into conflict with Oliver Reed, playing the priest-king known as Sarm, who is looking for the Home Stone to create more paths to Earth. Our hero accidentally kills Sarm’s son before he’s knocked out and left for the buzzards. Luckily, he’s saved by Talena (Playboy Playmate of the Month for June 1986 Rebecca Ferratti, who is also in Cheerleader Camp and Embrace of the Vampire), the barbarian princess of Ko-ro-ba.

Of course, while Cabot strikes out at home, he somehow scores with this vision of womanhood because on Gor, men are the rulers. But he’s still a moron and activates the Home Stone, sending him home to, one assumes, spill his seed, hack the carrot and sail the seas of mayonnaise all by himself.

Gor at least has some great character actors like Jack Palance, Paul Smith (Bluto from Popeye and the landscaper in Pieces) and a young Arnold Vosloo.

Norman almost didn’t get the movie made, as his publisher wanted nothing to do with it. He told the fanzine The Gorean Voice, “Ballantine Books refused to do movie tie-ins to either film; they failed even to answer my letters. My attorney finessed his way around Ballantine’s rights department and contacted the legal department at Random House. The movies were made by going over the heads of the censors.”

It was produced by Harry Alan Towers (who you may remember ran a vice ring that implicated the United Nations, JFK, Peter Lawford and several others when he wasn’t producing Jess Franco movies) and action film impresario Avi Lerner. Direction was provided by Fritz Kiersch, who also brought us Children of the Corn and Tuff Turf.

If you ever played lots of D&D and wondered why the popular girls liked jerks and figured, “I’m going to treat them badly, too!” Good news. You are the target audience for this movie.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

Originally known as Muskie Madness, Troma insisted the title change to Blood Hook before they’d distribute it.

Probably the most interesting thing about the movie is that its director Jim Mallon and lyricist/key group Kevin Murphy worked on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Murphy is, of course, Tom Servo.

Years ago, Peter’s grandfather went missing under mysterious circumstances. Now, he’s brought his friends back to the lake house for the Muskie Madness competition. Soon, people are getting killed and Peter is facing off with a killer that has a gigantic fishing hook.

You can get this from — who else — Vinegar Syndrome, who have really cornered the market on upscale releases of movies that I was once laughed at for renting in 1987. This version was never released and has all of the uncut gore that you were probably hankering for.

Blood Hook is also available on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

Let’s just assume that the events of Demons actually happened, as this movie does. Released just seven months after the original, this movie opens with the residents of a high-rise apartment building watching a movie dramatization of the events that took place in that film. They watch as several teenagers trespass into the closed-off city that was destroyed after the demonic outbreak. Finding the dead body of a demon, one of the teens accidentally drips blood in its mouth and the whole thing starts all over again.

Sally Day (Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni, Mother of Tears, Opera) is upset that her boyfriend hasn’t come to her sweet sixteen party — or as they say in Italy, dolce sedici anni — and she decides to watch the movie. So, you know, as these things happen, a demon crawls out of her television set and infects her. She kills nearly everyone at her party and turns them into more demons, who begin to infect the entire apartment building. Little kids, dogs, cops, bodybuilders, pregnant women — no one is safe from these demons.

George and Hannah (David Edwin Knight and Nancy Brilli, who was also in Body Count) spend most of the movie trying to escape Sally so that they can have their child. She’s nearly unstoppable, plus she has a flying demon on her side.

Italian movie fans should keep their eyes open for Asia Argento, who debuted in this film as Ingrid. Plus, Bobby Rhodes (from the original, as well as Hercules and War Bus Commando), Virginia Bryant (who is also in the unrelated sequel Demons 3: The Ogre), Lino Salemme (Ripper from the first film), Davide Marotta (who played a child alien in a very famous series of Italian Kodak commercials and was also the monstrous boy in Phenomena) and Michele Mirabella (Dancing Crow from Thunder).

Originally, Hannah’s baby would become a demon inside her and claw its way out of her stomach. This scene was taken out when Lamberto Bava and Dario Argento decided they wanted a happier ending. Which is nice, I guess.

After all, this movie is more about jump scares and less about freaking you out with the sheer amount of gore that it features. Is it any wonder that it has less of a metal soundtrack and instead features new wave bands like The Smiths, The Cult, Fields of the Nephilim, Dead Can Dance, Peter Murphy, Love and Rockets, Gene Loves Jezebel and The Producers?

You can watch this on Shudder.

Here’s a drink for this film.

Hellacious High Rise

• 1 oz. vodka
• 1 oz. sweet and sour mix
• .25 oz. Cointreau
• .25 oz. grenadine
• 2 oz. orange juice

1. Pour everything into a glass with crushed ice. Don’t forget Sally’s birthday party.